So...this show is my new obsession, and after watching the most recent episode, I felt I had to write this. The entire thing with Jordi's mom...I felt that it needed some closure. Trigger warning for depression, mentions of suicide, and self-harm.
I don't know why I'm so upset about this.
Her absence has been a part of my entire life- I'm used to watching her leave, but this time- it just hurts so much more. I feel like she's ripped my heart out of my chest and shattered it into pieces. She promised that I would never be alone- that she would be there every single step of the way. She promised that this time wouldn't be the same as last time- and I believed her. I fell right into her trap like the fool I am- and now I'm sitting here, trying to comprehend what just happened.
She's my mother. It'd been years since I had seen her, before she came to Oceanpark. At first, I knew she would leave- it's her nature, that's the way she is. There's no part of her that cares of me- if she did care, I wouldn't have been neglected for a good part of my life. I wouldn't have been sent to a grandmother that doesn't even want to accept that I have fucking cancer.
Maybe the amount of chemicals in my body, the chemo, maybe that's what's fucking with my emotions. I'm crying over this- and I don't even understand why- I shouldn't be. She doesn't deserve my tears, I know that…but I can't help but wonder what I've ever done wrong. There must be something. A mother doesn't just decide that she's going to neglect her child from a young age. In fact, most moms are blessed that they have children, cherishing their kids with every breath they take..
My mother was obviously different. She never really did care about me- and I should've known she wouldn't stick around. Cancer wasn't even enough to get her to stay. To make her realize that I need her. Just saying that…saying that I need her, that makes me feel pathetic. I let down my guard while she was here, I trust her so easily, because she's my mother, and she took advantage of that and broke my heart.
Wincing, I turn away from the window and limp toward my bed. I think Leo and the others are still at homecoming, which is an especially good thing. I don't want him to see me like this. I don't want anyone to see me like this. No one has ever seen me cry- no one has ever seen me completely fall apart, breaking into a thousand unfixable pieces. I've broken down more times than I want to admit- but no one else knows. I'd like to keep it that way- I don't want pity.
I don't want people to look at me like I'm going to break. I get enough of that already- considering the cancer and the chemo. I'm not in the mood for anymore people fussing over me.
I scoot into bed, reaching over, into my nightstand drawer. My fingers close around a sharp piece of metal, and I bring my hand out, shutting the drawer, before unclenching my palm and looking at the blade.
I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about this before. Especially around times like these, right after she leaves me, alone, to die. I don't think I'll survive this, and slitting my wrists will just end the pain before it starts, right?
I shake my head miserably, tears turning in my eyes. Swallowing angrily, I force my sobs back down, not wanting to cry. I don't want to be that weak. I glance down at my wrist, and then at the blade, just considering for a few seconds. This is that cliché moment, when you ask yourself whether you want to cut or not.
I'm not going to be one of those cliché people that contemplates forever, and eventually chickens out.
I take a deep breath, and press the blade to my wrist.
"Leo!"
I stop in the middle of the hallway, turning around to see Dr. McAndrew walking over to me.
"Yeah? Listen, I gotta go talk to Emma, and it's kinda important, can we talk about whatever this is, later?" I reply, making a move to continue forward.
Dr. McAndrew shakes his head. "I think you'll want to hear this. It's about Jordi."
He's got my interest piqued. "What about him?"
"His mother left, Leo," Dr. McAndrew says grimly. "She signed the papers that'll get him on his way to becoming an emancipated minor. I don't know if he knows about it yet, and I want you to go talk to him. He passed out earlier, I think you know about it? With Dash at the movie theater. Chemo's taking its toll on him, and you know what that's like. You know how to convey this to him. He'll react better if you do it."
"Shit…" I curse, staring at him. "That bitch…"
"You can curse her out later, Leo." Dr. McAndrew looks me in the eye. "Go to Jordi. He needs you right now."
"I'm on my way," I mutter, turning around, and heading to the room I share with Jordi.
I hobble toward our room, using one hand to push open the door, and then limping inside.
"Holy shit…Jordi…"
He looks up at me, panic in his eyes- but what I'm more focused on is the blade in his hand, and the bleeding cuts on his right wrist. His eyes are glassy, and his lip is trembling, making him look absolutely vulnerable and terrified. He's pale and he looks pretty sick- but that's from the chemo.
"G-Go away…" Jordi chokes out, and I can tell he's about to cry from how shaky his voice is.
"No," I say firmly, hobbling over to his bed, and heaving myself onto the mattress, laying my crutches down on the floor. "What the hell is this? Oh god, what did you do, Jordi…?"
Jordi freezes, glaring straight at me. "This? This is what I deserve. This is for being such a fuck up, she decided I'm not worth staying for. This is for being a mess, Leo."
I shake my head, grabbing the blade from him, and tucking it into my pocket. "You're not a fuck up. You don't deserve to hurt yourself, man."
"Then why does she keep leaving?" Jordi growls. "There must be something wrong with me, for her to keep abandoning me like I'm fucking nothing!"
"There's nothing wrong with you, Jordi," I tell him firmly. "She's just a bitch."
Jordi sighs heavily, staring off into space for the next few moments. He's trying so hard to hold himself together- to be strong, and I really wish he wouldn't feel like he has to keep his walls up all the time.
"Hey, can I clean your arm up?" I ask, softening my tone. "You're still bleeding." Jordi nods mutely, and I sigh, slipping off the bed and grabbing my crutches again. "I'll be right back, alright?"
I receive another nod in response, and turn, crutching out of the room and toward the nurses' station. I need to come with an excuse for why I need bandages…shit. I can't have Nurse Jackson or Nurse Brittany finding out about this- it'll just cause hell for Jordi, and it's something he'll definitely hate me for.
"Nurse Brittany?"
"Yes, Leo?" She replies, glancing up from her computer and giving me a bright smile.
"Do you have any gauze?"
"Gauze? Why would you need gauze?"
"Jordi accidentally cut his arm on the windowsill, I said I'd help him clean it up."
Her face changes. "Let me do it, I'll be right there."
"No!" I shake my head vigorously. "No, he doesn't want Nurse Jackson finding out, and he didn't want you knowing either, but I needed gauze…"
She sighs, reaching under the desk and pulling out a roll of gauze. She holds it out to me. "Fine. But you need to let me come take a look at his arm, after you've cleaned it up."
"I will," I reply, taking the roll from her.
I make my way back to the room, and sigh in relief- Jordi is exactly as I left him, he hasn't moved at all. The blood on his arm is running down his wrist and making its way to the bedsheets- it needs to be cleaned immediately. I don't want it to stain his sheets- the nurses will have a cow if they find blood on his sheets.
I grab a towel and dampen it, in the bathroom, before sitting back down on his bed, and taking his wrist in both of my hands. As I begin washing the blood off, I glance at him. A tear rolls down his cheek, but he doesn't move.
"Have you ever been suicidal before, Leo?" He breaks the silence, voice lacking any type of emotion.
Releasing a heavy breath, I nod. "Yeah, actually, I have. Right after they told me I had cancer. And then again, after I lost my leg. You're not the only one to have ever felt like this- it's kinda normal, actually."
"It's that why you weren't surprised to see me like this?" I put the towel down and grab the gauze, slowly beginning to wrap his arm.
"Mhm. You've been distancing yourself lately, and I know that you were too smart to accept that your mother would stay this time. I half-expected you to do something like this to yourself…"
"Glad to see I've lived up to the fuck-up image everyone has of me," Jordi grumbles.
"Hey," I let go of his arm, and force him to look at me. "You are not a fuck up. You have every right to feel this way, Jordi. You've been through a lot, shit hasn't been easy for you. I'm surprised you didn't break sooner…"
"It's just so hard, Leo," Jordi whispers, sounding choked up and breaking my heart. "It's so hard to hold it all in, and pretend none of it has affected me."
"Jordi…"
"What did you do, Leo?" He asks. "How did you cope?"
"I talked to someone. Emma, actually. She found me in the bathroom, crying and feeling sorry for myself, and she helped me through it. As much as we go at each other's throats now, I know she's always there when I need her. Just like I am for you. I know you don't like showing weakness, not to anyone- but you can trust me. You can break down in front of me as much as you want, and no one will ever have to know."
"I'm sorry," Jordi whispers, as another tear slips down his cheek. After that, it's as if the floodgates break, and tears begin to fall down his face at a rapid rate, dampening the collar of his shirt.
"Come here." I scoot over, pulling him into my arms, letting him bury his face in my chest. I can feel my shirt beginning to soak with his tears, but I ignore it. He needs this- a good cry- something that everyone needs at some point.
After a good five minutes, he finally lifts his head, face stained with tears and eyes bloodshot. "Thanks, Leo…" He says shakily.
"Don't thank me," I reassure him. "I'm always here for you, whenever you need me."
"I'm just used to being alone, and that sometimes makes me shy away from people wanting to help me…"
"I know." I look at him sadly, reaching up to wipe the tears from his cheeks. "But you can trust me. You never have to be scared of opening up to me, I promise. I'm here for you. Text me whenever you need me, and I'll be there. You're not alone, Jordi. You'll never be alone."
"T-Thanks, Leo…"
I shake my head, and he just flops his head back onto my chest, burying his face in my shirt, and closing his eyes.
"Go to sleep, alright? You've had a long day, you need your rest. The chemo's gonna do a number to your body." I whisper, leaning back against his pillows, keeping my hold on him. "I'm not leaving you. You're never gonna be alone again, I promise."
Thoughts? The bromance that Leo and Jordi have is really special, in my eyes- that's mainly why I wanted to write this. I'd love to kno your opinions- thank you for reading.
-Neha