Dedication -So this is dedicated to my Grandpa's friend who died last week. I wanted to post it right after I typed it the day I found out but it was unedited,{so I want to thank CheatingAtMonkeyBall for beta reading this. you rule for that}I hope that my Grandpa's friend is in a better place, and I hope that everyone of his family and friends can eventually move on. I suck at dedications I know I know
please enjoy I wasn't sure what to rate it and lastly
Song It Will Be Me- Melissa Etheridge
If you feel a hand guiding you along
When the path seems wrong
It will be me
I kind of lost it. I didn't mean to, but I could feel my fist meeting someone's face. I couldn't see whom I hit through my tears, but I saw the red droopy blood
"I just want to help," I heard the voice plead, desperation evident in their tone.
"I don't remember needing help!" I mocked back disregarding the voice that had spoken to me. The person beside me let out a heavy sigh and shifted to there feet to stand up. To my disappointment the person approached me, their feet trembling as they cornered me afraid that I would have anther outburst, and I was afraid as well. As the person approached me they dropped their stance gently lifting my head up to meet their face, and I saw his face. It was James.
There is no mountain that I can't climb
For you I'd swim through the rivers of time
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me
"I entered the kitchen to find Logan and Carlos arguing about what color an orange was, but I just wanted to find you. I was looking for you Kendall," James paused reluctantly and he continued to speak unsure of if he should or not. "I wanted to show you something-" James paused; seeing his friend look up he once again continued his story. "I asked them where to find you, but they just looked at me as if I was speaking another language. I'm pretty sure I was at first, but Logan gave me the news making sure to silence Carlos first. After hearing the news I ran straight here" James finishes hugging his crying friend in an awkward man hug. Pulling away James whispered in Kendall's ear "I told you I'll always be there for you" and he meant it, it was evident in every part of his body, because the four of them where blood brothers they would always be there for one another.
If there is a key that goes to your heart
A special part
It will be me
I remember hearing James trying to comfort me, he was failing miserably but the thought always counts when you need someone to be there. James always was. He followed me around sometimes, but he was always there to comfort me, no matter how good or bad his words of encouragement were. I felt better in the warmth of a friend. Although I was going to grieve over my father's death, I wasn't alone, and wherever he watched me from the doors of heaven or hell as long as he was smiling down on me I felt- I felt-sick to my stomach. I couldn't imagine life going back to normal without my dad because only a hollow hole sheltered me, and I was scared that somehow the hole would break and I would be alone in a forest of blackness with no one there to guide me.
Suddenly I was crying again. I didn't want to cry, but that was how I grieved, showing my girly side instead of being strong for Katie and my mom. I shouldn't have to be comforted while they suffer alone. I jerked away from James' grip to find my mom and Katie, but he didn't let me go. He held me as I fell down onto my knees. I felt the fire in my heart drop, and I felt cold as if another lifeform had been taken away from me. James was right there cradling me as I fell yelling my name into the heavy black air until my tears calmed down in the midnight sky.
"Its alright Kendall. I've got you; I'm right here."
Oh, how the world seem so unfair
Creating a love that cannot be shared
As you go your way, and I go mine
A light will shine, and it will be me
I never expected Kendall to break down so hard. It scared me of my mind watching him have a panic attack. Blood now covered my hands from his attack, and just by looking at him you could tell he had no idea what had just happened or that it was his blood covering the floor. I was broken out of my thoughts by Kendall looking down - his eyes becoming dull realizing what he had done; and then he once again began trembling. Desperate to latch onto him, I clung to his body in a strong hug as he quivered in my death grip. As long as he was safe I didn't care what happened to me.
"Did I bite you?"
I could here how scary his voice sounded; it was so broken. I had shielded my head so he wouldn't see a single tear slip. I answered him trying to keep my voice as gentle as I could "No, Kendall, that's not my blood." He looked at me in confusion, and I wanted to scream. Did Kendall seriously think he had hurt me? I couldn't tell him the truth; I would rather have let him believe it was me who suffered because either answer would shatter his hear. To tell him truth started to sting, and my breath was caught in my lungs. I wanted to lie to him, but his face was so broken that I new better than to hurt him even more. What if I killed him with the truth? What if I told him I loved him? I knew he would hate me; maybe it was best to lie. Somehow my heart wouldn't let me lie to him, so I told him the truth, holding onto hope.
"So I-I bit my-myself?"
As soon as he finished his sentence I sealed his lips in a kiss and held my breath expecting him to pull away, but he never did. Instead his tongue teased over my jaw line, and his soft sweet lips pressed into me, not bothering to pull away until I though I couldn't breath, Finally I said the words that had been caught on my throat: "I love you."
Past the ever after there's a place for two
In your tears of laughter
I'll be there for you
Looking into James' eyes, I tried to return his love, but my heart was still pained and broken. Instead I latched onto him - snuggling into his faint scent of man-spray - and buried my head in his chest like a girl. Flipping the switch, I turned on the TV desperate to find a romantic love scene to show him that I loved him too whilst simultaneously plastered kisses on James' chest. He refused to return them; I felt my heart break again. Had I shattered his heart too? Panicking I turned the TV off as he slowly stood up bobbing his head down. I couldn't tell him 'I love you' but there was one word I still remembered from an old movie my mom used to watch.
"Ditto."
My voice came out scratchy, and I felt time stop for a second as he turned around with tears filling his eyes. Maybe I could take on the pain; sometimes when you lose something you gain something else - something better. I swallowed and felt the fire inside my heart rage. I had to tell him I loved him too.
"I can't lose you, Jamie. Don't go; I-I love you"
In the sun and the moon
In the land and the sea
Look all around you
It will be me
It had been frightening days ago when Kendall hadn't returned his love for me. He had eventually, and today was a new day. Our friendship had moved on but today was the day of the funeral and suddenly I felt a need to comfort Kendall, to take away the pain. As I started to fix my tie, I felt an urge to call Kendall, but I knew to let him rest. Funerals always seemed hard especially when you're trying to let go. Letting Kendall sleep had been a neutral agreement between all 3 of us. We knew that he would want rest. Sometimes it's better to lie down than to face the world, but you had to face off with fate every once in a while. After all sometimes you could only stall life because eventually time would catch you in the act, and life would catch up to you. I knew it was time to wake Kendall up, but waking him up would be like stabbing his heart. I couldn't bear him any more pain.
Slowly I opened the door to see him fully dressed sitting on the bed. His eyes were dazed over, but he was up, ready to face reality
"You ready to go?"
Kendall didn't answer but looked up at me like a 5 year old who had lost their puppy.
"Snuggle with me first, Jamie. Please?"
There is no mountain that I can't climb
For you I'd swim through the rivers of time
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me
It will be me
It will be me.
A year later
The sun had set over the horizon moments ago. Kendall Knight snored softly in James' tight embrace as James silently watched his chest rise up and down. Tears had been shed on the bed and Kendall's face still carried the reminisce of those soft childlike tears. Something else covered the bed also. Pills splattered the entire room, and blood was dripping from James' hands. Today had been the first anniversary of something tragic. Today was the day Kendall's father had died. It had only been a year, but it seemed like so much longer. As the cold air washed over the window, James understood why heat existed and was thankful for that. He never expected this day to be easy, and it was far from that. 7 failed attempts at suicide and a loving boyfriend along 7 broken windows that had Mr. Bitters threatening to report to the police (thankfully, Logan and Carlos had stopped him) as James had held onto Kendall giving his cold body life. James had seen so much violence today, but he had also seen love. He never expected Kendall to want to celebrate their one-year anniversary today on its actual day. But Kendall had been stubborn upon waking up in the morning loudly waking James up in manner that mirrored Carlos'. Upon James' awakening, he was met with Kendall's blue eyes, and a loving boyfriend who was refusing to let him get up until he agreed to have their one-year anniversary next week. James instantly agreed, and from there on it had just gone to crazy town. James had been there every step of the way. James had known that someday this would get easier but a year wasn't long enough and as he cuddled Kendall in his arms. He was glad Kendall still wanted to celebrate their love, so repeating Kendall's words to the sleeping form before him, he let time slip into the future.
"Ditto"