a/n I put a new Christmas story on my blog tonight too, 12-21-12. It features Stephanie, Ranger, and Anthony...and Joe!

It was just too...gooey for ff, Ranger has had enough gooey Christmas fics here already, I think, lol. The link is in my profile.

Happy Holidays...

All That Glitters

Stephanie

Bzzzt! The penthouse's intercom squawked and made me jump. The guys didn't ever use the buzzer when Ranger was home. But Ranger was offline, in the wind, out of town, whatever, and I was thinking I'd spend another Christmas alone. It was late afternoon, December 23rd - - dark, chilly, dreary as my mood.

"Yeah," I grunted into the phone.

Tank said, "Your granny is here, Steph. Should I send her up?"

"Sure." Why not, I could use a laugh and some friendly company right now.

I hesitated then called Tank back. "Um. You know she'll be armed, right? She'll set off all the weapons detectors."

"Taken care of, but we passed on the strip search offer. Brett will be there with Mrs. Mazur in five."

I set out eggnog and Christmas cookies, turned on the sound system to a playlist of traditional carols - - I'll be home for Christmas/ You can count on me...Uh huh. What a load of crap. And broken promises?

Brett politely ushered Grandma in and made a fast escape. She watched him leave and said, "That's one fine ass, baby girl. But then you must be an expert, living here with all this eye candy!" Brett shut the door behind himself with a definite bang.

I laughed and hugged Grandma. "Come sit, have a cookie. I poured eggnog, but I can make tea or coffee?"

"Got some bourbon for the eggnog? That'd hit the spot."

"Sorry. We don't keep hard liquor in the apartment. Have a cookie."

"Why not?"

"Why not what?"

"Why no whiskey? Is that fine bounty hunter one of them 12 steppers or something?"

"Huh?"

"You know, AA? Alcoholics Anonymous? Your mother should go, maybe he could..."

"No!" I interrupted, "We just don't bother, Ranger never drinks the stuff and I pass out."

"Oh. Well. Good cookies. Very pretty! Lookit that! Did you ever! A little reindeer with silver horns and a tiny red nose! And a wreath, and a star, oh my. You didn't bake these, did you, Steph?"

"No. Our housekeeper bakes them for us, she loves to make pretty things."

"Mmmh huh," mumbled Grandma through Rudolph's crumbs.

A brief silence ensued while we both contemplated the effort put into these exquisite little cookies, all that work just for being eaten, so - - sad? Pointless? Wonderful? Finally I said, "So? What brings you here today, Grandma? No stiffs at the funeral parlor?"

"Naw, business is slow - - probably no action til New Years. Someone always eats or drinks too much by then though. It'll pick up." She sounded optimistic.

"Good. I guess...so?"

Grandma Mazur reached into her enormous handbag and pulled out a brightly wrapped gift. She said, "I didn't want to give this to you when your mother was around, you know how prissy she is these days. It's something special for you and Ranger."

"The tag says Treasure Pleasures," I said warily.

"Yep! I figure you're missing that studly hunk of manhood and this way you can get in the mood for him. Be ready, you know what I mean?" wink, wink

Eeeeeeew.

"Go 'head. Open it!" urged Grandma.

The box contained no surprises, just what you'd expect from Grandma via Treasure Pleasures: candy cane striped condoms ("They're favored," Grandma pointed out), scented, flavored oils - - Red-hot Cinnamon and Peppermint Stick, scented candles - - Mistletoe.

A vibrating Santa...

Let's not even go there.

His and hers red velvet thongs with fluffy white marabou trim and strategically placed jingle bells...I giggled at that one.

I said, "You're very kind. So, um, thoughtful! Such an intimate gift."

Grandma smiled happily. "Don't go spreading it around, otherwise your mother and Valerie are gonna want Christmas goody bags too and I don't even want to think about them using this stuff with," - - she shuddered - - "your father or Albert."

We both went eeeeew.

Grandma leaned over the box and pushed my tentative hands aside. She rummaged a bit then squealed, "Aha! This is the best thing! You're gonna love this one."

"It looks like glitter..." I said.

"It is! It's this newfangled stuff - - edible body glitter! Yum! Tastes like Christmas cookies. Why, girl! You spread this all over your - - ah - your, um - wherever you like and then...he licks - - Or you could lick...

"No! Don't tell me. Really, Grandma, I get it. I get it." I wanted to clap my hands over my ears and I know my face was bright red.

She patted my hand. "See that you do, my dear. No sense being shy, is there? We're all adults here, aren't we. And I bet he could lick til -."

"Grandma!"

"Enjoy every minute of it too. Well! Merry Christmas, Stephanie."

She gathered up her bag, stuffed in a bunch of Ella's cookies ("no, no, I don't need no Baggie, baby.") and put on her coat. She kissed my cheek and said, "He'll be home soon, Stephanie, don't give up hope."

I shrugged, tears flooding my eyes.

Grandma paused at the apartment door and looked me in the eye. "Now, see, baby, I know that the president is going into that Middle East place full force, and I'm not so stupid that I don't realize your man goes ahead and does the hardest work, the scariest, most dangerous work. In places like that. And we both know he's very good at his job, right?"

I nodded.

She finished, "But he'll do his best to be home, he loves you."

... ... ...

Twenty-four hours later, I struggled home with a shopping bag of presents and leftovers from my family's Christmas Eve dinner. I sat on the sofa alone in my short red velvet dress and watched CNN and the reports of the war in that far away place. Absently I pulled the bottle of glittered lotion from the Treasure Pleasures box that I'd left on the coffee table and I sniffed its delicious cookie aroma. I rubbed some on my throat and cleavage, trying not to cry.

And big strong hands slid around my neck from behind. I screamed, "Please! Please don't hurt me!"

"Well since you said please," the man whispered with an evil chuckle and I collapsed in relief. The hands went to my shoulders and pulled me up for a hug and an endless kiss. Ranger whispered, "You smell good enough to eat, babe."

I guess that's the whole point, right?

I'll be Home for Christmas

I'll be home for Christmas...

You can count on me...

Please have snow and mistletoe

And presents under the tree.

Christmas Eve will find me

Where the love light gleams

Oh I'll be home for Christmas

If only in my dreams...

WWII Christmas song, now traditional for soldiers and others far from home. [You know who you are!]

Merry Christmas! Happy h0lidays to everyone.

Don't forget to go read my blog fic too...