I Saw You
Synopsis: The Doctor has always been a coward, but there's something Martha needs to know.
Characters: The Doctor (ten), Martha
Episode/Spoilers: Set sometime during series 4, so spoilers for anything up to series 3, Last Of The Time Lords
Rating: PG
He was sitting on a garden wall at the end of her street. Blue suit, black Chucks and of course the long brown overcoat. Martha stopped walking for a moment and stared at him, unsure what to do, whether she wanted to see him. But then he turned his head and looked her, a huge grin lighting up his face. He stood up, placing his hands in his trouser pockets and waited for her. What could she do? Full of conflicting emotions, she walked along the street to him, stopping a foot or so in front of him. He studied her for a second, before taking his hands out of his pockets, striding forward and embracing her. She threw her arms around him and hugged him back.
"So what are you doing here?" Martha asked when he finally let her go.
He studied her and she watched him expectantly, he looked so serious all of a sudden that she wasn't sure what he was going on. He hesitated, but he had to tell her, there'd been so much unsaid in his life, so much he could never go back and say to family and friends, that he had to do this.
"I always knew you existed," he said. "I don't want you to think that I didn't."
She was surprised that he remembered her words from months ago. "I know you knew I was there, that wasn't what I meant."
"I know." He rubbed the back of neck and looked away, suddenly finding his trainers fascinating."I've always been a coward you know. I wasn't lying when I told you and Jack that I ran away from the schism and never stopped running." He looked back at her face. "I did see you, just as you wanted me to. But I can't let myself feel like that." When he saw Martha about to speak, he knew what she was going to say. "With Rose it was different." That didn't come out quite as he had intended.
"Thanks, that's so much better now," Martha replied with just a hint of sarcasm.
"That wasn't what I meant. It wasn't her that was different, it was me. She was the first person I spent time with after the war. Actually, she the first person I had even a conversation with. I met her four days after the war ended... after I thought everything that mattered had ended. She helped me heal. I was vulnerable and I let her in, let myself get far too close."
Martha hadn't known that. Whenever he'd mentioned Rose, it had always been wistful and she'd known he was grieving for her. She'd only learnt of Rose's fate when she'd overheard him and Jack talking. "But you did love her."
"Yes," he agreed. "I love all my companions. Male, female, human or not. Including you. I just don't always... usually in fact, show it. With Rose, I let myself feel things that I hadn't felt for centuries because... because I needed to, because the silence was too much." He ran a hand through his hair. "No that doesn't sound right, sounds like I used her and I didn't, I just let myself feel for once. She taught me that it was good to be alive and that was a lesson I needed to learn." He grinned suddenly, that slightly manic grin that had scared Martha at first, but that she'd come to love. "You know what's funny, Martha Jones?"
"No," she replied with a smile, "but I'm pretty sure you're going to tell me."
"I never told Rose half, a quarter, not even a tenth, of the things I told you. You think that I didn't see you, that I didn't appreciate you, didn't... I don't know, didn't love you like I did Rose. But I never told her about my home planet, I don't think I even told her its name. I never told her about my family. Well, I seem to remember mentioning once that I'd been a father, but I never elaborated. And I certainly never told her about the war."
"So, what? I'd make a better psychiatrist than her, I'm nosier than her?"
The Doctor smiled ruefully. "I'm really very, very bad at this. I would never tell those things to someone I didn't trust and love."
Martha stared at him, unsure what to say. There was a time, not that long ago, when she would have given anything to hear him say he loved her, but now... she really had no idea what to say. Before she got the chance though, he was talking again.
"I know you need to stay here and look after your family, finish your degree, get a job, a life... a real life rather than one where you don't know what century it is from one minute to the next. But I don't want you to think that I didn't see you, that I don't see you now. And I certainly don't want you to think that I don't miss you. If you ever decide that you want to come back to the TARDIS, we'll be here when you call. She misses you too you know," he added.
"I miss her as well. And you," Martha added with a small smile. She looked awkwardly at the ground for a moment and then back up at the Doctor. "I'm seeing someone."
"I know."
"You do?"
"Jack told me. And I'm glad, as long as he makes you happy."
"I think he does, it's early days, but yeah he's nice - funny, smart, cute."
"Good," the Doctor replied and then grinned, "Good for you."
"What about you?"
"Am I seeing anyone? I haven't done that sort of thing in, well in... it's been a long time."
Martha shook her head, "Are you travelling with anyone?"
"Ah," the Doctor nodded. "Donna, you'd like her. Donna Noble. Knew her before I met you. We met up again. First met Christmas Eve, last year. The giant star ship over London - it was her it was after. She went off travelling." He frowned, "She said I scared her. Did I scare you when we first met?"
"You can be a little erratic sometimes."
"Can I? Oh, well, okay. Anyway, seems she's not scared now. She's visiting her her parents, it's their wedding anniversary and, well to be honest I'm avoiding families, especially mothers. Been hit by two and that's enough." The Doctor stopped talking and watched Martha with a small smile. "So you're okay then?"
"I am."
"You're happy staying here? Cos the TARDIS is big enough for three, four if Jack pops by, which he does occasionally."
"I'm happy. But I will call you, so don't go losing my mobile, you."
"Still got it," he tapped his jacket pocket. "I should go, let you get on. And I have stuff to do."
"Okay. It was good to see you."
"And you."
They stood and stared at each other for a second, before they hugged each other.
"I'll speak to you soon, Martha Jones."
"That you will, Mr Smith."
End