Dark Feather Chronics:
Castiel : The Angel of Thursday
I like in here, on the top of mountains it's calm and I feel like it's my home now. I know what you guys are thinking, who is this? And where am I? I'm Castiel the angel of Thursday, the Winchester's guardian, I am on the top of noble frozen mountains of Himalaya, I've been through so much and now I'm here.
Let me tell you what it's feel like for an angel, so that you can understand me. But how can I tell you something so complex, should I use an analogy? Yes, it's feels right to do so;
Being an angel is like being one with live itself, it's like being immerse in the cold ocean, where if a fish moves you can feel it like you are moving. Maybe that's why I stood by Dean's side for so long, I enjoy his presence, and I feel I'm free.
Being a fallen angel is like being one with nothing, I can't feel the fish anymore; maybe there no fish to move, all I can feel is a deep need for reconnection. Maybe that is what means to have freedom.
Freedom is a length of hope, and God wants you to haggle yourself with it. I now understand why Anna was our leader, she had that ability to see though right and wrong, but for me, truth it's always grey, and I've lost everything and still… I feel good about it.
Since I fell, it's being loner that the usual, Balthazar and Rachel are gone… Its hurt me that I killed both, it's still haunts me, what… What I've done. Now it doesn't matter, I'm free again, Am I?
I feel like talking with Dean, now…
I just reached Dean, but he is sleeping on the couch… I found him by searching the town, it's midnight… He looks happy – Dean – I whisper, I just want to talk – Dean, Are you asleep?
He awakes and we talk, he drinks again… Why does he need to drink so much? He tells me that help him sleeps and them he sleeps on the couch, just like that.
Dean's face it is unique… I guess, I've never thought about beauty, I guess Dean is handsome… Some girls must like him, girls like Lisa and Anna. I've seen human sex so many times, it really got boring after a couple of centuries, but I must say that Anna surprised me… Well she did mate with a human, which is not allowed…
What brings me back memories from that day when we went to that place full of iniquity, I never felt so scared on my whole life, what I was supposed to do? That chastity woman, she looked nice enough, maybe Dean found her attractive, I still don't understand what he meant by "ordering something out of menu"
Now I'm here watching over him while he is asleep, should I still heal him? His head resting on the couch awkwardly… Yes, I'll heal him or else he would wake up with his body sore. His shoulder feels so tense… The problem with freedom is that I still don't know how to deal with it, and all those feelings it really confusing, love, hate, hope, sadness… I must confess that I've being trying to name my feelings, but it keeps changing.
See, now I'm in awe… Dean is mumbling something, I guess he is having a good dream, I smile and I'm glad, my eyes trace his jaw line and watch over his chest that goes up and down. I never said to Dean about my struggle with feelings, I guess he knows.
I feel like he could understand me, but he is only a man… I wish I could be human, the truth is… I don't know how I feel about this, I'm still struggling with the fact that God doesn't care.
That day was the darkest day of my existence maybe that was my punishment for breaking the rules. But why he brought me back? For Dean, Joshua said, I don't get it, what I'm supposed to do for Dean? Protect him? Didn't I do that already?
…
Eventually Dean will find out about… I think he already knows that I'm going to fade away… I've seen it some time ago, I've never told anybody. In that time I worked with Crowley, that was a big mistake… But at least I stopped Raphael, why do I keep killing my brothers?
Dean – I whisper, his face is so serene, is he happy? I want to touch him again, it's feels good to have him by my side… It was worth the sacrifice? I think only time will tell, right Dean? He is sleeping still; I think I need to say something before I go.
Thank you Cas – Dean mumbles, I smile, is he dreaming about me? – You are welcome Dean – That's good to know he feels something for me… "We are like family"