Mystery Science Theatre 3000 with Ethan!

Before you read this is a parody of the TV show, it is not about MSTing bad fanfics. I already have a negative view on MSTing bad fanfics. See my fanfic "The Mystery Behind Troll Fics" for more on that.

Before I begin. Little history. Feel free to skip.

For a long time, I wondered what would happen if somebody with my experience and personality got marooned watching bad movies.

As a kid, I didn't watch a lot of movies. And to this day in my lifetime I have only ever watched a small amount of movies. Probably a little over 100. Or somewhere near. Most movies I also watch are either comedies, parodies or animation. Some movies I've forgotten the story for. I actually did see Star Wars as a child in the cinema I think around 1997 when it was remastered in the UK I think, but being so long since I last saw it. I forgot the plot.

I have seen movies that aren't comedies, parodies or animation but they're far lower. I've watched three out of Nightmare On Elm Street Movies, one Friday the 13th movie, three Rocky movies, the first Rambo movie….I won't bore you too much. It's rare for me to watch a movie's full series.

Why don't I watch many movies? Well one reason could be I have Asperger's Syndrome. One of the parts of that disability is having a short attention span towards certain things. Another of that is having a huge attraction to animation, which I watched a lot of after school. I also read a lot of comics.

So why am I telling you this boring guff? The character Ethan you're about to read is based on me. At least mostly. Some parts are fictional. While I do have an older brother on real life. He does not live in the USA and I don't visit him there. He also has a different name. Alan not Carl. Carl is very, very little like my real life brother. And for good reason, I don't want him to come kick my ass!

So without further delay….here's the story! And the MST3000 relation is coming. Hold your horses. This takes place in an alternative universe….

Ethan was an immigrant to the United States. He had originally lived in Britain but had travelled to the USA to visit his brother Carl. Although only visiting for a holiday, he had found work as a janitor in an underground laboratory for an evil scientist named Dr Forrester. Dr Forrester had an assistant named Dr Erhardt. Ethan did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses didn't like him and they shot him into space…

Ethan woke up in a huge bone shaped craft after being knocked out.

"Ugh….what happened?" Ethan said rubbing his head. A sheet of paper was near him cellotaped on a wall. It said "Your glasses are in the drawer."

"Uhhh…thanks." He then put them on and came across another sheet of paper saying "You're welcome!" Ethan wandered the bone shaped craft.

"What is this place." Ethan wondered. He came to a place that looked like some sort of sitting room. White Metal chairs bolted down and a white metal table sat. A television was on the wall.

Suddenly the television flicked on and Dr Forrester appeared. "Hello, Ethan! Sleep well?"

"My head hurts. What's going on?"

"Oh don't you know? You've been selected to be the helpful person for our new experiment."

Ethan stared blankly at another direction for a sec. He was still trying to get used to his surroundings.

"What kind of experiment?" He asked.

"An experiment based on your mentality."

"I'm still not with you here."

"A world domination plan."

"A what!?"

"Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life! I will send you cheesy movies, the worst I can find. And you will sit and watch them all until you go mad!"

Ethan thought it over. "And you plan to use this to rule the world?"

"Yep."

"What are ya gonna do? Make a television screen bigger than the earth and make everybody watch the worst movie ever made?"

"Don't question my plans! You….."

"That'll cost a hell of a lot of money, a ton of people and where are you getting the money for all this…"

"Don't question my logic, go to the screen room!"

"Fine….fine…"

Ethan made his way to the screen room. Forrester continued over "The movie is the 1997 Steel movie starring Shaq."

After the movie…..

Ethan walked out of the movie room. Dr Forrester appeared on a screen facing opposite the entrance to the cinema. What did you think of the movie? Dr Forrester gave an evil grin.

"Not that bad…" Ethan said truthfully.

"Not that…..it was STEEL!"

"So?" Ethan asked.

"It's considered to be one of the worst superhero movies of all time! You liked it?" shouted Dr Erhardt.

"Not brilliant, but it's good."

"What do you like about it?" asked Dr Forrester

"The first line was pretty funny. The roasted nuts line was pretty good, the special effects were pretty good, especially with that vehicle exploding."

"Great special effects!? Don't you watch the movies?" shouted Dr Erhardt.

"To be honest with you….I don't. I rarely watch them and I've only ever seen a small amount of movies in my lifetime."

"A person who doesn't watch movies? What kind of sicko are you? Were you even a child?" Yelled Dr Forrester.

"I was. I read a lot of comics such as the Dandy, Beano, Buster. Mainly watched TV shows on CITV and CBBC after school. It was either my short attention span or the fact that I had homework that I didn't watch a lot of movies. I even read books sometimes. My number one distraction was playing computer games on my dad's PC!"

You read books? Sick! But Dandy, Beano, Buster, CITV and CBBC? You're on drugs."

"I was originally from Scotland, that's in the United Kingdom you idiot!"

"Scotland? That can't be. Where's your kilt and red hair? You're wearing trousers. Trousers!"

"That's a stereotype, you fool. I actually hate wearing a kilt. And I'm sick to death of the Scottish Stereotype that's been done to death. It's not accurate at all to wear I live. Did you know I once wrote a letter to Hollywood to create the TV show, Hamish the non-stereotypical Scotsman? He's buff, tough and has black hair and actually hates wearing anything tartan and wears trousers instead. He hunts out people who have stereotyped Scottish people dreadfully, and beats the crap outta them. In the first episode, I have him beat up Matt Groening for his character of Groundskeeper Willie. They turned it down."

Dr Forrester just stared ahead. "I can see why. That by far is the dumbest, DUMBEST idea for a TV show I've ever heard!"

"I'm just damn sick of the way Scots are stereotyped. They don't match how I am at all! Fuck you Seth McFarlane for your unfunny short with the Scotsman in that Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy bullshit. I can even tolerate a stereotype but at least make it funny!"

"He can tolerate Scottish stereotypes? Rats…..there goes my plan B." Dr Forrester frowned.

And so the next movie, Ethan was made to watch was called Good Burger. A nickelodeon movie that had got negative reviews.

"That was awesome!" Ethan grinned. "Just as awesome when I was a child!"

"I don't believe this! That movie is ridiculous!"

"Uh…..it's meant to be…..movies can be stupidly written for comedy, you know."

"I don't get it….you're watching the worst movies of all time!" Dr Erhardt yelled.

Ethan frowned. "Calling them the worst movies of all time is an opinion not a fact. My brother actually enjoys Freddy got Fingered. I've done quotes with him. Daddy, would you like some sausage! Daddy would you like some sausages!"

"Reviews are fact!" Dr Forrester yelled.

"No they're opinions. Everybody has different tastes and interests. Nobody's review is law. We all have different tastes and interests. If we were all the same, the world would fall into an even bigger mess than it is now."

"Did you read that up, did you?"

"Nah…..learned it from the Red Dwarf episode Rimmerworld."

"You're really taking lessons from a sitcom?"

"Don't knock Red Dwarf!" Ethan snarled.

A few days pass…due to not being a movie fan. And not being able to compare bad movies to more good movies. Ethan took enjoyment from the many movies he watched. Even laughing at the hilariously bad moments. He also wondered at times what to say, and if he had robot companions with him the stuff they'd shout would even be related to the movie. He also pitied the creators at times, seeing as how they had put so much time and work into their movie projects, only to have them ripped apart like this if he was nasty enough to give criticism.

Before going to bed. Ethan found Dr Forrester sobbing at the screen.

"Please…..go insane already!" Forrester sobbed.

"Look if it makes you feel better. I'm not that nice of a guy. I like everybody else thought the Garbage Pail Kids movie was garbage. I don't get you. Movies do not make a person go insane."

"Sure they do…"

"No….locking them in space with no way of getting home, do! If I do go insane, it'll have nothing to do with movies! Get me home!"

"No way! You'll be there till I find the right movie!"

"You're accomplishing nothing. I have never read a single newspaper report of people going insane over a movie. They probably got a bit angry but that's it. They don't literally in real life go insane!"

"The Nostalgia Critic seems to go a bit insane in his reviews….."

"I couldn't care less about the Nostalgia Critic because I don't even like him! He's picked on stuff I like way too many times and his material is stale! Besides he's a CHARACTER! Not a real person."

"I guess that's it…...you'll never go insane…..at least not over a movie."

"So can you let me home, now?"

"No way. I'll just let you die out there."

"Sadisitic git!" Ethan snarled.

"Hey….I am an evil scientist." Dr Forrester grinned.

"Hey, get my brother down!" came a familiar voice.

A punch came towards Dr Erhardt's head knocking him out. It was Ethan's older brother Carl. Suddenly Carl picked up Forrester and held him close to his face. Carl had come looking for Ethan in his place of work.

"Get my brother down or taste a world of hurt!" Carl threatened.

Forrester pissed in his uniform. "Yes sir, he gulped."

Ethan was rescued and returned to Earth. Forrester and Dr Erhardt were then locked up for life for their harsh experiments. Ethan's last words to him were…..

"Ruling the world is stupid anyway. There are 255 countries and territories in the world. You'd be the government for all of them!? You'd overwork yourself to death."

While Ethan had lost his job, it was only temporary. All the bad movies he'd watched had given him an idea for a comedy and parody cartoon series of superhero movies.

His idea, Sergos the flying marshmallow alien with four goat horns and an iguana's body with four arms and his quest to rid the world of evil.

How would he get away with such a ridiculous idea? Just tell them it's parody and a comedy.

The movie was a success…and the best part?

He succeeded in getting Hamish the non-stereotypical Scotsman, a part in it. It was a cutaway gag similar to the type you'd see in Family Guy. Even though he couldn't make it into a series and he did kind of agree it wasn't that funny. He was happy to see his work on screen and to get his revenge on people who stereotyped Scottish people so horribly.

Shall we see a look at it?

Hamish was in a locked room with Matt Groening, Seth Mcfarlane, Chris Donald the creator of the UK adult comic Viz and Russell Church who had created the Viz rip off Zit. They were in chairs all tied up about to be tortured.

"That's for your unfunny Scotsman sketch in Seth McFarlane's Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy." Said Hamish punching Seth in the face.

"That's for Groundskeeper Willie!" Hamish punched Matt Groening.

"That's for numerous kilt wearing Scottish stereotypes you've put in your magazine!" Hamish punched Chris Donald.

"Angus McBastard is not FUCKING FUNNY!" Hamish punched Russell Church.

"Surely there's people who've stereotyped Scottish people worse!" groaned Russell Church.

"They will ALL be hunted and tortured!" grinned Hamish. He then looked at a list. "Hmmmm…let's see Mike Myers for his Fat Bastard character!" Also on the list was a Judge Dredd artist and he was also going to piss on Terry Pratchett's grave for "The Wee Free Men."

END.

Note : I don't really believe in torturing anybody. It's just in good fun. I just think Scottish stereotypes have been done to death and don't represent anybody I talk to. Tone them down! They're not funny!