A/N: Please do not let the title fool you. This story is not lewd or raunchy or wrong. Dick is one of the many nicknames for Richard out there in the world, we all know that. So let's please grow up and be serious, because this is a serious story and is not a joke. Thank you.
"NYYYYYOOOORRRPPP!" My stomach whined at me, begging, pleading to be filled with something good.
It was a rainy Saturday. I spent most of the day asleep or working on my novel (Diary of a Strong Kid. It's not a parody of Diary of a Wimpy Kid, it's actually my autobiography and I started writing it way before that asshat Jeff Kinney started writing his inane book series with a similar title), and so before I knew it, it was 9 o'clock PM and I hadn't eaten a darn thing all day.
"Get it together, Y/N!" I shouted at myself in the mirror. My (your eye color) eyes and (your hair color) hair and (body shape) body and (what your teeth are like) teeth and (what your butt is like) butt and (what your soul is like) soul stared back at me. I looked as hungry as I felt!
I knew what I had to do.
I dragged my weary bones to my phone as quickly as I could and then hit the first number on my speed dial.
"Hello? Papa John's? Yes, this is Y/N…. No, the rash hasn't cleared up yet, but it's getting there… My family? I don't know, I'm still not speaking to them… Cool, one large pepperoni pizza please… Yes, for just me again... I don't like your judging tone, Harold! … Yes, of course, I'll talk to you again tomorrow. Thank you, goodbye."
I threw the phone at the wall and it shattered into a million pieces. Then, I curled into the fetal position and waited for my glorious pepperoni pizza to arrive to the log cabin under a bridge that I call my home.
Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
Then -
DING DONG!
I leapt from my couch and bolted to the door. But when I wrenched it open, it was a pizza delivery guy I had never seen before. He had snow white hair and glowing green eyes. He could walk through walls, disappear, and fly. He was honestly much more unique than the other guy! It was then that I knew what I had to do… say hello!
"Hi sir, I would like my pizza now."
"Hello Y/N! Okay!"
My jaw dropped.
"H-h-h-h-h-h-how do you know my name?" I sputtered.
"It's on the receipt!" the mystery man said before chortling at me.
"Oh," I said lamely. I handed him the $15.63 I owed him (no tip. And I'm not sorry), he gave me the pizza, said "I'm Danny Phantom!" and then he flew away into the night.
"What a weird guy!" I mumbled to myself. But I soon forgot about Mr. Danny Phantom as I beheld the beautiful pizza in my arms.
"Come to (mommy/daddy)!" I shrieked, but when I wrenched open the pizza box, I laid my eyes on the most shocking thing I've ever seen in my life.
"I'm not a crook!"
There, in the middle of my pepperoni pizza, was the face of 37th President of the United States, Richard Milhous Nixon. I blinked and rubbed my eyes 500 times but alas, I still saw his fricking face in my pizza.
"RICHARD NIXON?!" I bellowed. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY PIZZA?!"
Richard smiled at me.
"I was a ghost that got trapped inside this pizza. So now I am known to the world as Pizza Dick. Please, call me Pizza Dick. I would really, really like it if you called me, Richard Nixon, Pizza Dick. If there is anything you ever remember about me, Richard Milhous Nixon, 37th President of the United States of America, it is that what I wanted to be called more than anything was Pizza Dick."
There was a long pause before I gulped and finally said, "Well, uh okay then Pizza Dick. Nice to meet you, I'm Y/N."
"Nice to meet you Y/N! I'm Pizza Dick!" Richard replied.
"Um yes, I know… you already said that," I awkwardly said in response. In that moment I was feeling so, ummmm, how you say, AWKO TACO! I didn't know what to do. So I decided to speak my truth.
"Ri- I mean, Pizza Dick. This is cool and all, but I'm so very hungry and was hoping to get a nice normal pizza to eat for dinner. But now Richard Nixon is my pizza and I just really don't know what to do…"
Richard Nixon's eyes glazed over. His smile soured and he stared into space.
"Do what you have to do."
"Pizza Dick, no-"
"DO IT, Y/N!"
Well, he didn't have to tell me twice. I ate him and it was great. The end.