I do not own Twilight okay? Before any of you flame me for this, I am Twilight neutral. It's okay alright? Not something I would read every day but its okay. I figured this would be a funny satire-like thing to do on the character's personalities and how they really feel on how Meyer wrote them. Now for you Nazi fangirls, if you don't like my perception of them, say so nicely like "I don't think Bella would say that…" Blah blah blah. I would like reviews I can understand thank you. It is a shame I have to even write that! Anyway, enough with this A/N, on with the Dear Stephenie Meyer fic!
Dear Stephenie Meyer,
You may know me already, mainly because your best selling book is about me. Who knew a plain Jane from a small town in Washington would be the inspiration of such a famous book series! I read them and I have a few things to say about it. Now, I know not all letters you get are praise, but as to be fair to you, I'll let you know what I did like and what I didn't.
Now the romance you wrote between me and my darling Edward is sweet. I liked it. What girl wouldn't? But as I look around online, I see some rather nasty things. I see people calling me a "Mary-Sue" and a creation of your unfulfilled desires. I mean in every book, I beg Edward to make me a vampire. It does get rather tiresome. I also read in the books, any time something of great distress happens, like when I was in Italy that time and as the Volteri was feeding and I passed out as they began. I can see why many people call this novel of yours bad and so much like a fanfiction and sub par. I am rather disgusted with how you portrayed me. I am so flat and I rely too much on men. I mean in New Moon, I practically use Jacob as a crutch while I come up with some insane plan to bring Edward back. Then when he does, I leave Jacob aside. What kind of girl does that to a childhood friend? I was always thought that would be rather mean when it came to using friends. I actually thought that in your story with me, you made me look bad and shallow. I don't like hurting friends at all. I find it to be rather shameful! Why would you have me tear out Jacob's heart and stomp on it like that!
Also, I would like to say that I do find the wedding between me and Edward sweet. I mean your goal is a romance story and by god, you at least wrote that. You were also nice enough to show the readers some of the pleasure of mine and Edward's honeymoon but, doesn't the sex seem a little, abusive to you? I mean if Edward is moving so fast that he is destroying the bed then, why did I only end up bruised and pregnant? Would that not do more damage to me then? Some people I noticed complained about the fact that Edward is technically dead by the medical definition so how could I end up pregnant? It's your story so I won't go on it too much; I love my daughter too much to. I just like to leave it as a little miracle and look at it like that.
Oh, speaking of Nessie, I have a few things to say there too, one mother to another. How I gave birth to her sounded rather…ummm…gruesome. Edward using his teeth for a C-Section? My father-in-law Carlisle could have done it like normal and Edward could have just bit me as it was happening so I would survive the trauma? Seems like that would be a little more proper as to Edward I guess putting the venom in me as he delivered the baby. Oh and another thing; couldn't you wait until she was fully grown before Jacob imprints on her? I know her growth is accelerated but I do not like the idea of Jacob being seen as a pedophile that can't get over me or accept I don't feel the same about him as he does me! I do not like knowing you used my daughter to fill Jacob's heart so he would have a little bit of Bella! No offence to you, but that sounds awfully creepy. I do not appreciate you using my daughter like that! How would you like it if one of your daughters married an ex-boyfriend only because he wanted a little bit of you? Doesn't sit too well with me, I don't know about you though.
Well, all in all I would say that you could use some work on your stories. They're getting there but I would mainly work on characterization and maybe I wouldn't be so annoyed with how you wrote me.
Sincerely,
Bella Cullen (formerly Swan)