Fic: My Skin
Author: Chantelle
Summary: Faith makes a decision.
Rating: Romance/Angst
Copyright: Yes they are mine. That's why I'm sitting here as an out of work uni student eating 2 minute noodles out of a coffee cup. Come on, give me a break, of course I don't own them!
Spoilers: Well since I live in Australia and have only seen up to Superheroes, I think it's pretty safe.
Author's Notes: Well this is my first fic and I'm pretty nervous posting this. The title came from the inspiration for this fic, a song called "My Skin" by Natalie Merchant. This is not a songfic and it really doesn't have anything to do with the story, but the song is what made me write it so it just seemed right to put it there. I obviously don't have a beta so stay with me.
Finally, this is for everyone at the 55 David Boscorelli and Yokas board where I have spent many hours reading great fics but never actually posting one of my own. Well here goes.
MY SKIN
Lying here in his arms, I know I've made a mistake but it's too late to turn back the clock. I can't breathe as the finality of what I have done washes over me. It physically hurts to think about what happened today but I can't stop it from replaying in my head.
****
THAT AFTERNOON
"Faith, Faith..." Bosco's voice breaks through my reverie. "Faith, are you alright?" He parks the squad into a space in front of the station house and just sits there looking at me, concern evident in his eyes.
"Bosco...Bosco...Bosco.." He looks at me, urging me to speak with his eyes. He slowly raises his hand to my cheek and that's all it takes for a single tear to slide down my face.
"Bosco...I'm leaving."
"...O...K... do you want me to pick you up for work tomorrow?" He continues to rub my cheek gently as his other hand plays with my hair.
"No...Bosco, I'm leaving the 55th." His hands pull back from my face and stay in midair. His eyes pierce mine with no anger, only hurt.
"Faith come on, what are you talking about?" He's confused and so am I, but I have to do this.
"I can't be here with you anymore Boz."
"Why not...I love you, you love me? What have I done?"
"I'm married Boz."
"But we decided you were leaving Fred." He looks scared and then a sadness crosses his eyes.
"You're not leaving him." It's not even a question, he knows in his heart that's the truth. He turns his whole body so he's facing the front of the car, his eyes faced straight ahead.
"I can't do it, I have the kids to think about and a marriage that I can't just throw away." I look at him hoping he'll understand. Two tears roll down his face and land on his clenched fists. I keep talking to convince myself I am doing the right thing.
"Fred and I have been through so much. His drinking, my cancer. So much that you..."
"Fine Faith," his monotone voice breaks through my rambling, but he doesn't look at me, "fine."
I just sit and look at perhaps the love of my life that I am turning away. He just stares straight ahead, another tear rolling down, his knuckles clenched white. We just sit there for what seems like hours, but of course it is only two minutes. Bosco doesn't move. I can't cry, I don't deserve to. I slowly open the squad door, hop out and close it again. I can't look back so I head straight towards the locker room to get changed. I keep expecting Bosco to follow...I want him to follow. No, this IS the right thing to do. I'd only end up hurting him in the long run.
Sully and Davis walk in as I wipe my eyes of any stray tears that may have fallen.
"Hey Faith, is everything okay with Bosco? He's like a statue in the squad out front," Sully looks at me waiting.
"Just one of those shifts, Sul. He'll be fine." I catch the look between Sully and Davis but I don't really care.
"Yeah..one of those shifts. Right." Davis obviously doesn't believe me so I just grab my bag and walk out. I glance at Bosco in the car, still unmoved from where I left him. I don't know if he sees me so I just keep on walking down the block.
Now that I'm a few blocks away from the station I stand still in the middle of the sidewalk, memories running though my mind. Our first kiss, Bosco stroking my face, holding me, looking down at my face the first time we made love, the passion in his eyes the first and every time he said he loved me and now the look in his eyes when I broke his heart. My own heart constricts and my eyes close, willing myself not to cry.
"I'm not letting you go." I open my eyes and turn around to see Bosco there, his eyes and nose are red.
"Boz, it's not a choice. It's the way it has to be."
"Why? You don't love me? No, I know that isn't true. Why Faith, why?" He grabs both my hands gently and keeps them out our sides. He lowers his voice to a whisper.
"I know you love me, I feel it every time you look at me. I feel it right now."
"Stop it. We have to end this thing now. You should be happy, I'm letting you off the hook before it gets too serious." He drops my hands as anger crosses his face.
"Off the hook! Off the hook! I don't want to be off the hook, Faith. And this is serious. I have never been more serious in my life. I would do anything for you, Faith. Anything at all, but I can't let you leave me. Not that!"
"I don't know what I can say to make you understand Bosco. I love my kids. I need my kids to be happy and they're happy with their parents together."
"I need this Faith. I need you. I need us." I can see his eyes start to tear up and hear his voice waiver, trying to stay under control. I should be crying but I just can't let it show because I've caused this pain.
"I can't be the woman you need Boz. I just can't. You deserve so much more. Go and be happy. It may not seem like it now, but this is right." I want to leave but his eyes keep me fixed to the spot, tears are streaming down his face. This is my punishment for doing this to him, to have this memory in my mind forever.
"Faith, stop it! You don't believe that. Don't you know how amazing you are? I have spent so many hours just looking at you wondering why you loved me. You don't need any man, you are strong enough to face anything, but you wanted me anyway Faith. Do you know how wonderful that made me feel?" His hands reach out and stroke my cheeks. I lean into his touch, I can't help it. I can't talk so he just keeps on going.
"We have so many more things to do together Faith. I'm not ready to let you walk away, I don't think I'll ever be ready. You're in my blood, you are everything to me. I have so many things to give you, so much love, so many moments. Don't take them away. We can do this Faith. I need you." He inches closer to me, his lips brushing mine as he talks. "I want you. Don't take it all away."
And then he presses his lips against mine. So full of love, need and passion. His tongue slips into my mouth and caresses mine. I can taste his tears as they continue to fall and he pulls me so close to him that I can feel every inch of his body. I can feel his heart pounding, and his chest still breathing unevenly from his crying. He pulls back a bit and kisses me everywhere. My cheeks, my eyes, my forehead, and my lips. Bosco rests his forehead against mine.
"I love you," he whispers with more passion and pleading than I have ever heard.
"I love you too Bosco...but this is the way it has to be." I pull away from him and run. I don't turn around because I know what I'll see. I'll see Bosco unmoving, tears streaming down his face with his fists clenched. I can't handle that, I can't see him like that. This time he won't follow me.
****
I can't lay here any longer so I carefully move out of Fred's grip and move to the bathroom. I don't want Fred to touch me right now, I haven't even let him kiss me. In the dark quietness of the bathroom, I finally let the tears fall. All the things I should have said and done that I never did run through my head. Heaving sobs wrack my body but no sound comes from my mouth. This hurts, it aches. I slide down the wall and land on the floor. I love Bosco, I need him, I want him. But I made the choice and it's too late.
THE END
****
Well that's it guys. What did you think, I would love to know. I have an idea about writing a sequel or more, because honestly I hate reading fics where Bosco and Faith aren't together in the end, and here I am writing my first fic and that's what happens. Aagh!!! I guess all this talk about Bosco/Cruz has put me in a bit of a bad mood. Tell me what you liked and what you didn't like (be gentle, remember very nervous first timer) and if you think I should continue.
Chantelle
"We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams." WW