FINAL FANTASY X-2: GOOFY ANGELS
I
[The stadium in Luca is filled to the brim with people wanting to see Yuna in concert. Paine and Rikku make their way into the stadium, knocking out a guard in the process.]
Rikku: Y, R, P, in position. It's showtime girls!
Yuna: Showtime? What the hell are you talking about? I'm wandering around out here in…..
Rikku: Shut up Yuna! We're not supposed to know what you're doing yet! It's not in the script!
Yuna: Fine, whatever.
Paine: Um, can we get on with this already?
[Paine and Rikku bust up a few guards, posing like badasses after each victory. They then hijack a flying platform, and zip over to the main stage.]
Rikku: Hey, give it back already!
?: Boys!
[Two freaks appear to each side of ?.]
?: Want in on this number? Then show me your moves!
Paine: That doesn't make any sense. We're going to kick your ass, not have a break-off.
?: Umm, are you sure? I am quite jiggly, if you haven't noticed. Besides, you cant hit me, I look like Yuna, but have a different voice, and the mysterious name ?.
Paine: Whatever, just forget I said anything. I'll stick to the script.
Paine (clears throat): Think you can keep up?
[Rikku and Paine beat down ? quite severely.]
Paine: I could have danced all night! Wait I think I will! (Paine gets funky)
Rikku: Wait a minute! We just blatantly attacked the High Sumnoner that destroyed Sin and brought the Eternal Calm in front of like what? 50,000 screaming fans!
Paine: Hey, you're right! Why aren't we being tore apart by a mob? And surely even if we get away, every single person in Spira should be seeking our blood for this!
?: You guys suck.
[? disappears and the girls magically know she went outside, so they follow. They run around the dock and eventually lose sight of ?.]
Rikku: I knew I shouldn't have got so wasted last night! I can't run fast with this hangover!
Logos: You're too slow, little girl.
Rikku: Umm, yeah, that's what I just said….oh, and Yeouch!
Ormi: Show's over! Bwhaaahaaa!
Rikku: What show? What the hell are you blabbing about fatso?
Paine: Rikku! This way! We will run down a dead end pier! That will surely save us!
[The two men follow after Paine, and Yuna appears behind them, firing bullets at their feet, instead of actually at them, which would make sense. She then jumps off Ormi's shield, does a flip, and the trio throw down their best sexy/tough poses. They then beat down the men easily.]
?: That's quite enough sniveling boys!
Ormi: What does sniveling mean?
?: Well, umm, lets see…. Let me think….. ummm…. Oh nevermind you idiot! Just get out of the way!
Yuna: Give it back!
?: Give what back? Your virginity? I'm sorry love, you can't unring a bell ya know.
Rikku: You're a freak. Give back her Garment Grid you moron.
?: Didn't you girls ever learn to share?
Paine: Hey! That one night with you I shared my…
?: Ack! Shut up!
Yuna: Hey look! I'm gonna get pissy! [is pissy] Give it back!
?: Fine it's yours.
[? gives up the grid, and turns into a slutty looking LeBlanc.]
LeBlanc: But it won't be for long loves!
Paine: Loves? What the hell kinda threat is that?
LeBlanc: Well, umm, that's my catchphrase.
Rikku: How lame.
[YRP fights LeBlanc, and beats her ass easily.]
LeBlanc: I won't let you off so easily next time!
Yuna: You suck bitch.
[Rikku and Paine walk away, but Yuna begins dancing.]
Paine: Rikku, check Yuna out! She's gittin jiggy wit it!
[Yuna dances for a bit, then ends with a sweet as sugar pose. Celsius appears in the background. ]
Yuna (narrating): My body just started dancing by itself. I didn't know what was going on. I was frightened…. And a little turned on. While I was dancing, something happened….
Rikku: It looked like you were enjoying yourself! You were shaking your ass all over the place. It was sooo sexy!
Yuna: I was. It was like someone else took over. I think I had an orgasm.
Shinra: That can happen when you put on thousand year old crusty clothes. The emotions and crusty body fluids recorded on the clothes pass to the user.
Rikku: Isn't that dangerous? Couldn't she get crabs or something?
Shinra: I don't know. Maybe. I can't say, haven't had time to wash out the skid marks from the laundry.
Buddy: But it's your invention! And it's your job to do the laundry around here!
Shinra: I'm just a creepy sex crazed midget disguised as a kid.
Brother (clears throat): Dancing Yuna, I want to see!
Yuna: It'll cost you.
Brother: One moment. (digs in pockets)
Paine: No, she means you gotta get rid of that stupid ass name. Brother? Who the hell is called 'Brother'? What, was Cid burnin the blunt when you were born? You suck, you bastard.
Brother: What, no dance? Oh well, I can get horny just imagining it.
[Yuna approaches Brother and speaks with him.]
Brother: Yuna, has my talking gotten better?
Yuna (narrating): He really has improved. He said he practiced just so he could hit on me more.
[Yuna approaches Paine and speaks with her.]
Yuna (narrating): This is Paine. I look up to her as a sphere hunter, and also find her so very sexy. Always wearing her hot black clothes, and so very tough. God she just rocks my world!
Paine: Quit undressing me in your mind!
Yuna: Oh, oops, sorry!
[Yuna talks to Rikku]
Rikku: Wanna go make out?
Yuna (narrating): It all started when I saw this sphere of you. At least I think it was you, and I'm too stupid to remember that you vanished to the Farplane after Sin died, taking all the bras in Spira with you. Notice how the last game I had a nicely supported rack, and now I look flat as a board? Anyways, I joined the Gullwings hoping to find more spheres, or at least a decent underwire. The search is going badly.
Rikku: We could always have a three way with Barkeep!
[Yuna wanders off, frightened that Brother's incestuous ways are spreading, and speaks with Shinra.]
Shinra: I know everything.
Yuna (narrating): Shinra's an Al Bhed. He's a real whiz kid. No one knows what he looks like, and it is rumored he's actually a very small 54 year old man. I'm not sure myself.
[Yuna speaks with Buddy]
Yuna (narrating): Buddy and Brother are old friends. In fact, I think they are lovers. He says he was on the airship with us two years ago, keeping Brother 'company' during the trip.
[Yuna goes to the cabin and speaks with Barkeep]
Barkeep: Mish Yoona, What can I do for yoo?
Yuna: First you can tell me why you speak like a drunken moron, that's what you can do for me.
Barkeep: Kish my ass, beetch.
Yuna (narrating): This is Barkeep. He's a hypello. There have been some pictures of me nude appearing in various locations around Spira. I think Barkeep is taking pictures of me while I sleep, but I have no proof.
[Yuna rests, then returns to the bridge, summoned by Brother's stupid call]
Buddy: Whoa! Treasure sphere waves coming from those old ruins above Gagazet.
Paine: What the hell? Like these thousand year old spheres just suddenly decide to transmit waves just like that?
Buddy: Well, no, we just now found the waves that were being emitted.
Paine: Oh, so you were too stupid to find them yesterday eh?
Buddy: Bite me bitch.
[Everyone sees the floating rocks and such]
Rikku: We don't have to climb that thing, do we?
Yuna: Yeah, I'm too damn lazy for that!
Buddy: I'll fly you up there, you useless damn broads.
[The girls land on a walkway and Yuna gets dizzy and falls. Rikku and Paine grab her arms at the last second.]
Brother: What is your status?
Rikku: What do you think you mohawked freak! You friggin moron! You dropped us right on a ledge and Yuna is about to fall to her death!
Brother: Oooh, that gives me an idea! What's the word now….hm….. oh, yeah! Necrophilia! WOOT!
Paine: I'm either gonna hurt him, or screw him, one of the two.
Rikku: Shut up and pull already!
Paine: If you knew how many guys I've heard that from….
[Rikku and Paine pull Yuna to safety. The group moves around to the far ledge, and when they climb it, they meet back up with the heart clad trio]
Yuna: Who's there?
LeBlanc: Who's there? What the hell kinda thing to say is that? You're looking right at me stupid!
Yuna: Kiss my ass bitch.
LeBlanc: That's what I hate about amateurs. They have no idea of what it takes to be real sphere hunters.
Rikku: Amateurs? Sphere hunting is only 2 years old stupid.
[Ormi and Logos walk up]
Ormi: I need a doughnut!
Logos: Following them has paid off spendidly!
Paine: Wait a minute, if you are following us, how is it that you are further along on the trail?
LeBlanc: We're going to whip your ass for actually trying to apply logic to the situation!
[They fight. YRP beats them handily. LeBlanc and crew throw a smoke bomb and run away]
Paine: She's getting hurt. Whips, chains, nipple clamps, the good stuff! Oh yeah!
Yuna: Bitch, you're psychotic.
[YRP completes the chase mission, and find LeBlanc and crew hanging from the ledge of the cliffside spire-thing.]
LeBlanc: Would…would you stop staring!
Logos: If I had known how nasty your ass was, I'd ask for double the gil last night!
Ormi: Buwahhaahahhaaa!
[Ormi then apparently falls to his death.]
[Paine begins stepping on LeBlanc's fingers.]
Yuna: Are you rubbing your nipples while you do that Paine?
Rikku: Knock it off, we gotta go. There's a damn spider up here that's oooh-so-scary.
[YRP whip up on Boris and grab the sphere. LeBlanc appears sans Ormi.]
LeBlanc: It's obvious to the trained eye. That sphere's just a dud. Perfect for the Dullwings!
Yuna: Oh look! [stares at the sphere] It's a sex tape of LeBlanc!
LeBlanc: Very funny, ha ha.
Rikku: Who is the guy? Ohmigosh!
Paine & Yuna: It's Nooj!
LeBlanc: Oh my God, he said he destroyed that!
[LeBlanc approaches quickly. As soon as she is in range Yuna knocks the living piss out of her.]
Yuna: Bitch don't EVER call me dull again! I WILL. CUT. YOU.
[LeBlanc and Logos run away both crying in fear. Rikku and Paine also flee.]
Yuna: MISSION COMPLETE!