A/N: I found this challenge on another fanfic writer's profile (can't remember which one, but if you wrote the PJO Challenge, it's you) and thought it looked fun.
And it turned...into this.
I wrote most of this locked in the bathroom at one in the morning, which might explain some of the utter insanity, but I'm afraid most of it is just me.
Enjoy!
1. Rhys
2. Ianthe
3. Cassian
4. Feyre
5. Tamlin
6. Hybern
7. Amren
8. Mor
9. Nesta
10. Elain
11. Lucien
12. Azriel
1. Have you ever read a 7/11?
Amren/Lucien.
Um, no. Can't say that I have. Amren would literally eat him alive, spit out his bones, then weave his shiny, shiny hair into a pillow and treasure it for all eternity.
2. Do you think 4 is hot?
Feyre
I wouldn't say hot…more like beautiful in a mysterious, night-caressed kind of way (I'm sure The Night did lots of caressing up in the cabin, ahem)
3. What if 12 got 8 pregnant?
Mor/Azriel
MY BABIES! I'm now firmly on the Elriel ship, but I still have a soft spot for those two… Aw, little faebies! So cute…
4. Can you recall any fics about 9?
Nesta
Tons. Most of them are Nessian (I'm a slut for this ship), but I've always admired/hated/loved/was-annoyed-by her.
5. Would 2 and 6 make a good couple?
Ianthe/Hybern
Oh, yes. They can be idiot bitches in Hell together. No kiddies, unfortunately, since I'm 1000% pretty sure Nesta nailed his balls to the wall (literally) then took him down, but left the nails. Ouch. You deserve it, Hybie.
6. 5/9 or 5/10. Why?
Tamlin/Nesta or Tamlin/Elain
Um…neither? The Tool doesn't deserve an Archeron sister. This feels too much like the jerk who breaks your heart and sleeps with your sister, her patented Yoga dog and her uppity maid from London. But if I had to choose…probably Nesta. Elain would like the flowers more, but I don't think she could survive a relationship with Tamy. Nesta would match him every step of the way. She'd probably be put in jail for husband-icide within days, then break herself out of jail and have a swell party now that she's rid of him.
7. What would happen if 7 walked in on 2 and 12 making out?
Amren walks in on Ianthe and Azriel making out.
…
"Shadowsinger. I need to debrief you on the—" I stopped stalk still, stunned for the second time in millennia. I couldn't process what I was seeing.
Azriel pulled away from Ianthe with a gasp, lipstick marks all over his face and his leathers opened, revealing his tanned, tattooed chest.
I hissed. "What is going on here?"
Ianthe pouted, draping herself over the couch in the House of Wind. How did she even get in here? She was supposed to be dead!
But it was Azriel who cried dramatically, "True love, Amy dearest! True love and sex. Lots and lots of sex." He smiled down at the priestess, and resumed making out.
I couldn't even form words. He called me Amy dearest? And now he was making out with Ianthe!
I turned, ready to find Rhysand and demand he turn his dog back into the celibate mutt he'd been before, not this horny wolfhound, when the High Lord himself popped up, somehow making it past the no winnowing boundary.
He was wearing Bermuda shorts and a loud baby blue shirt. His hair was in a Mohawk and he had Ray-Bans on.
"Rhysand—" I began, but he cut me off.
"Aw, that is so cute!"
I turned to see Ianthe and Azriel still furiously at it on the couch. I wanted to gouge out my eyes at the repulsive scene.
Rhys started crying tears of joy, and Azriel and Ianthe quit creating their newest generation and started doing Ring-Around-The-Rosie in the living room.
Cassian landed on the balcony, holding Mor in his arms and immediately burst into tears too. "YOU HAVE TO GET MARRIED!"
Feyre ran into the room in a full Lady Gaga outfit. "I'M A PRIEST! I'LL DO THE CEREMONY!"
I gaped, flummoxed as Mor started singing Ariana Grande with Nesta and Elain as her backup dancers. They were all banging simbals together and wearing mariachi costumes.
It was beautiful.
Ianthe ran to the windows and grabbed the curtains, draping them around herself like Scarlet O'Harra. "I AM READY TO MEET MY LOVE!"
Rose petals danced down through the air as Cassian walked her down the aisle, where Azriel waited, jittery and excited as a nervous virgin (which he was. He was holding out for Mor, but Ianthe is so much better) and Feyre waited to marry them.
Rhys was the best man, sobbing unashamedly and taking endless selfies with his Selfie-Stick to post on his Instagram.
BEST MATE JUST GOT HITCHED! was the headline.
Mor and the Archeron sisters crooned/cymbaled on as High Priestess and Shadowsinger were joined in matrimony.
Then there was a fantastic party, with lots of cake and carrot juice.
As things wound down (I still hadn't moved from my spot, gaping by the doorway) Ianthe stood up, her face glowing with happiness, clutching her new husband's hand.
"I have news!" she announced. "I'm pregnant, even though my love and I have never had sex because we got interupted earlier."
Rhys squealed, causing Cassian to burst an eardrum, grabbing her in a hug. "OH MA GOSH! This is like, so exciting!"
As everyone fawned, there was a dark flash, and then Hybern appeared, cackling madly.
"MY EVIL PLAN HAS WORKED!" he boomed. "I GAVE YOU EVIL FERTILITY MAGIC IN THE CARROT JUICE, AND NOW YOUR BABY WILL BECOME MINE, AND I WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD!"
There were many wails of distraught pain, and Hybern cackled again, before detonating a bomb and flashing away.
Ianthe turned to Azriel with tears in her eyes. "I am sorry my love!" she wept.
He gathered her in his strong arms. "Be not so, my darling! We will die together, as two peas in a pod!"
Then the world exploded, killing them all and leaving me standing there alone, gaping.
"What the hell just happened?" I wondered aloud.
No answer, just the Lady Gaga heels, abandoned cymbals and a spilled cup of carrot fertility juice on the ground.
…
Yeah. That just happened. *walks away whistling casually*
8. Make up a summary for a 3/10 fic.
Cassian/Elain
Every time Cassian returns from the war camps he's broken, memories and pain weighing him down. And every time, Elain sits underneath a little rosebush in the garden and waits for him.
9. Is there such thing as a 1/8 fic?
Rhys/Mor
Platonic love, yes! COUSINS! But otherwise…no? Incest. Gross.
10. Suggest a title for a 7/12 hurt/comfort fic.
Amren/Azriel
Heard Your Voice Crying—Thought You Would Come Save Me (post-ACOWAR Amren and Azriel talk about the war and the things that have changed with them and those they loved)
11. Does anyone on your friends list read 3/8?
Cassian/Mor
Yes. Sometimes I read it too, even though I don't really ship them…
12. Does anyone on your friends list write or draw 11?
Lucien
FOXY-BOY! Absolutely.
13. Would anyone on your friends list write 2/4/5?
Ianthe/Feyre/Tamlin
I sincerely hope not. Ianthe and the Tool might be into it, but Feyre…bye-bye, sickos.
14. If you wrote a 1/6/12 fic, what would the warning be?
Rhys/Hybern/Azriel
Warning: Boy Band feels and gayness ahead
15. When was the last time you read a fic about 5?
Tamlin
Yesterday? I think I read a oneshot about his feelings post-ACOWAR. It was good, too.
16. 1 and 7 are in a happy relationship until 9 runs off with 7. 1, broken hearted, has a hot one-night-stand with 11, and has a brief and unhappy affair with 6, then follows the wise advice of 5 and finds true love with 12.
Filled in the blanks:
Rhys and Amren are in a happy relationship until Nesta runs off with Amren. Rhys, broken hearted, has a hot one-night stand with Lucien, and has a brief and unhappy affair with Hybern, then follows the wise advice of Tamlin and finds true love with Azriel.
…
17. What title would you give this fic?
Tamlin Should Clearly Never Give 'Wise' Advice
18. How would you feel if 7 and 8 were in a heated argument?
Amren/Mor
Like Mor stole one of Amren's baubles, and I should evacuate the city.
19. What would you do if 5 was close friends with a sibling of yours?
Tamlin
Disown my sibling
20. How would you react if you saw 8 and 11 in a closet together with a rubber ducky?
Mor/Lucien
…Like something is seriously wrong.
21. How would you feel if 2 dissed you in the worst possible way?
Ianthe
Bitch.
22. If you saw 9 and 3 together in a bed, how would you react?
Nesta/Cassian
MY BABIES! :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
23. You just came home from school and all your friends hate you. Plus, you got an F on the biggest project of the year in your best subject. Your parents have grounded you, and you have finally gotten time to rest in your room after a long scolding only to find 10 rummaging through your stuff. What do you tell him or her?
Elain:
Me:
Elain:
Me: "Cassian put you up to this didn't he?"
24. What would you do if 1 were emo and slit his or her wrists?
Rhys
My poor, darling baby! Here, take this self-help book, and a suicide hotline and some love and never mind more love and hugs and kisses and endless devotion and here's my soul oh no is that too much never mind at least take my heart my poor, sweet, innocent baby bat
25. What would you do if 4 gave you a daisy?
Feyre
Smile, thank her, then wonder why the fuck Feyre is giving me a daisy
26. 6 stole your hair brush. What do you do?
Hybern
…
Hit him on the head with it, Rachel Elizabeth Dare-style
27. 7, 9, and 4 have banded together and are singing the most annoying song in the world at the top of their lungs at 3 o'clock in the morning. What are your first thoughts?
Amren, Nesta, and Feyre
What. The. Fuck.
Also, GIRL BAND!
Then I'd probably yell at them, but chicken out because Amren and Nesta are scary.
28. 2 and 11 are your teachers. How do you react?
Ianthe/Lucien
…
Drop out of school, but only after taking Lucien's gym course so I can see him in sweats. The vision.
And graffiti Ianthe's car on the way out.