New Moon: The End
Edward's Story
I took Bella's bag and dropped it onto the seat of her truck.
"Come for a walk with me," I said, keeping my voice even. I didn't give her a choice; I grabbed her hand and dragged her along the lawn, eastward.
I put the mask on.
I tried to keep my breathing even, but the two parts of myself were battling viciously; it felt like my superfluous lungs would split with the force of it.
The one half of myself, the sensible, responsible half, was winning. It was finally strong enough to leave her. I would make her safe. I would take every precaution to rid her of the dangers that hung over her head daily. The most significant of those being myself.
I had planned everything out.
I would make my leave, and she would grieve, like any human. I loved her a thousand times stronger than she loved me, but it would still hurt. Time would heal that, though. Yes, after time it would lessen and finally fade away. My face would disappear from her mind, the tenor of my voice forgotten from her ears. Along with the memories- wonderful and wretched.
Then she might find someone. He would see her, and love her. Not a millionth of a fraction of what I did, but it would suffice. He would treat her well, and she would gradually fall in love. She would smile at him and it would make his live, beating heart melt.
That's usually when my second half cut in.
It screamed in contradiction. No, no, no! This side of me believed leaving impossible.
Wanted it to be. It clung obstinately to her.
Bella was the sun, and I was the earth that was blessed so exceptionally to have the unworthy privilege of revolving around her.
This side of me was selfish. It didn't recognize danger. It recognized the impossible pull of irreversible, unchanging, undeniable true love. She was the reason for my existence. We belonged together. She was mine, and I hers. Forever. That would never change.
I was reborn in 1917 for one simple reason. To wait for seventy-three years until the love of my life was born, and then love her until the end of time.
This side of me needed no explanation. I had to stay. It was impossible not to. I had to be there; I was not complete without her. If not for her, I would drift, float away with the next breeze. She kept me grounded, tied me to the earth. This side of me believed I had no choice but to stay and keep her out of harm's way.
This side of me was in denial, of course.
I was the one putting her there, in harm's way. Every day. Every second. Jasper's loss of control had proven that. It had been inevitable. And so my undying need for her would have to come second, and her safety first.
Destiny had given me two choices.
But I would not murder my true love.
And I would not doom her to a soulless eternity.
So I chose the only alternative left. Leaving. Freeing her of this burden that I had created. Willing myself to fight the force that pulled me back to her every time I walked away from her. I would make Bella live a safe, happy, human life. And I wouldn't be apart of it.
We walked into the trees just a few yards. I let go of her hand, half of me saying that was the last time we would touch. And the other half willing my hand to grab it again.
I leaned my back against a tree, creating distance between us.
My mask in place, I looked into her eyes. She was staring at me cautiously. She knew something was different. She was undeniably perceptive. I had no idea what she was thinking, or how long it would take to convince her.
"Okay, let's talk," she said calmly. I suddenly felt evil- like a person about to play some gruesome trick on someone unsuspecting.
I took a deep breath, pulling out the practiced script in the back of my head. My throat ached, not only from her scent. It felt like somehow my body knew Bella and I were separating. I felt my body change, like a human body preparing for starvation; storing the last remnants of what it survives on.
"Bella, we're leaving," I said quietly. It was easy enough to say these words. She wouldn't understand yet.
I felt her take a breath, too. "Why now? Another year-"
"Bella, it's time," I interrupted. She'd misunderstood the plural. "How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon, regardless." This wasn't exactly a lie. It would only be a matter of time, just like everything else.
Confusion creased her forehead for a moment. And then it slowly sunk in.
Her eyes went wide, her jaw trembled. "When you say we-," she began in a whisper.
"I mean my family and myself," I finished, making every word distinct, helping her mind comprehend it easier.
She still shook her head, identifying what I'd told her. I waited for her rebuttal.
"Okay. I'll come with you." I was afraid of this, but suspected it.
"You can't, Bella. Where we're going…It's not the right place for you." This was also mostly truth. Denali was not the right place for her. A houseful of vampires was no place for a human. Especially one of her luck, and frailty.
"Where you are is the right place for me," she said in a low voice. She was resolved.
Here it goes.
"I'm no good for you, Bella." The truth of my words made my voice sound wistful.
"Don't be ridiculous," she said, her voice higher now. Perhaps it was meant to sound angry, but it came out pleading. "You're the very best part of my life."
Agony. The way she regarded me was foolish, but the her words were music to my ears. I'd love to think my being in her life was somehow beneficial to her, but of course, I was not. Quite the contrary; I was the worst.
"My world is not for you," I told her.
"What happened with Jasper- that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"
Of course. "You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected."
"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised you would stay-"
I cut her off again. "As long as that was best for you," I reminded her.
Ah, yes. She was starting to understand. Half of me was glad her acceptance would be quick, the other, betrayed.
"No!" Her voice rose. "This is about my soul, isn't it?" she yelled. "Carlisle told me about that and I don't care, Edward, I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you- it's yours already!" She was such a silly girl. A soul that radiantly beautiful and strong should never be wasted on a hideous monster like me.
She was also incredibly stubborn. She knew where this conversation was headed, yet she fought against it. I had to convince her. I had to lie to her now.
A sense of finality hit me then. I would never see her face again. This took a toll on me; for a fraction of a second I felt my face crumple into horror. Anguish made my head feel light. I took a deep breath to steady myself, keeping my mask intact.
It took every ounce of determination to say those next words.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."
Don't believe me, please! a voice cried inside my head. I realized it was my own. I watched her eyes, waiting for disbelief to fill them. I waited for her say "don't be silly, Edward, of course you do" but it didn't come.
Every second was unbearable. I could almost see the words replaying in her head, trying to make sense of them. She looked up then.
"You… don't…want me?" she whispered. Oh God.
Yes! I do! God, I do! the voice pleaded. My brain panicked. I felt the two halves of myself, wrenching from each other. One pulling me deeper into the forest, the other pushing me toward her.
Convince her. You have to convince her.
"No," I said calmly. How? I waited for my façade to crumble. It didn't.
I'm surprised she didn't laugh. It was a such ridiculous thing. I had wanted her from the moment we met. In more ways than one.
Her eyes narrowed somewhat, she tilted her head slightly. She looked into my eyes, searching for a different answer than the one I'd given. I hardened my expression, making sure it was still in place. Her eyes widened again, not finding anything.
"Well that changes things," she said.
I felt that strange sense of betrayal again. Why was she taking this so well, and so quickly? I had to look away from her gaze.
"Of course I'll always love you…" I began. It hurt my mouth. "In a way," I finished. The pain was overwhelming; my words would soon sound unconvincing. So I closed off my mind, and let the lies roll out of my mouth of their own accord. They'd find some way to make sense. I numbed myself. "But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change."
It was getting closer now.
I continued. "Because I'm tired of trying to be something I'm not Bella. I am not human. I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that." I created a barrier around my mind. The feelings and contradictory thoughts bounced off of me.
I was numb, I was numb, I was numb. I realized suddenly I was trying to convince myself as well.
Her breathing accelerated. "Don't," she whispered. "Don't do this," she pleaded.
She believed me.
Her realization surprised us both. I was somehow not expecting it.
But I had to make it final. She needed closure. Disgusted with myself, I flipped around my earlier words.
"You're not good for me, Bella," I said in a cold voice that was not mine.
I watched in horror as her face fell and her eyes dimmed. She absorbed the words; she'd given up. Her eyes glistened with tears. I suddenly wanted to grab her shoulders and shake them out of her. How? How could she believe me? The numbness disappeared and excruciating pain came instead.
Keep the mask on. My face had no trace of emotion.
She began to say something, but faltered. Her mouth closed again. I waited.
"If… that's what you want," she said, accepting my lies.
What? No! Of course not! Don't be stupid, Bella! the voice yelled in my head, furious.
It took every single ounce of strength I had in my body to move one muscle.
I nodded once. And my body went cold.
Tears were gathering at the corners of her perfect brown eyes. If one tear trickled down her face, I knew I would not be able to stop myself from embracing her, wiping the tear from her face, and whispering apologies over and over until she believed I loved her again.
I had to distract her. And I had to confirm just one last thing.
"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," I said, keeping my voice low and hard. There was no voice inside my head, just tearless sobbing. My selfish side had accepted defeat, and was now overwhelmed with the pain of my stone heart breaking.
"Anything," she vowed, her voice was strong against her choked throat.
I came so close to taking it back then. So close.
My sweet, brave, selfless Bella. Even after I'd declared my false rejection, she'd still keep a promise for such a monster as I was. But it would be easy, because no monsters would be around to challenge what I'd ask of her.
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I ordered, keeping her glazed eyes locked on mine. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" I needed firm confirmation before the tears started falling.
She nodded helplessly. I restrained myself from wrapping my arms around her and kissing every surface of her body. I tried to distance myself instead.
"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself- for him."I made my words as cold as I could make them, hoping to finally cut the last string that held her to me.
"I will," she whispered. She knew it was close, too.
"And I'll make you a promise in return," I said, suddenly speaking to myself as well as her. "I promise that this will be the last you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again." For a fraction of a second, bad memories flickered past my eyes. It gave my voice more volume, wanting to speak the truth now. I owed her this much. But it still hurt. "You can go on with your life without any more interference from me." I paused for one second. I hated these next words. But these were essential. They completed my act. "It will be as if I'd never existed." I finished. The words were torture.
Her eyes glistened again, blazing with astonishment. She started to shake, as if she might crumble to the ground. Worry pulled me toward her. Her heart beat faster now.
Distract her. The tears were coming.
I tried to smile slightly, making my face look calm. When really my insides were rotting away slowly, my heart corroded and in pieces. I tried to remember Bella's smile. It helped me think.
I was relieved to realize that Bella's pain could be nowhere near the intensity of mine. And the understanding that hers would fade also brought a peaceful smile to my face.
"Don't worry. You're human- your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."
She looked up. "And your memories?" she asked, her voice crackled. Of course she was worried about me.
"Well, I won't forget. But my kind…" I made the distinction clear. "We're very easily distracted." I could see the wetness double in her eyes, creating a glaze over them. I had to think quickly.
"That's all I suppose. We won't bother you again." I used the plural, trying to sound detached. Trying to make our differences evident. I took a step back, exaggerating the separation. Both sides of me hated it.
"Wait!" she cried, and part of me rejoiced. She reached out to me.
My selfish side tried to claw its way out to me, trying to grasp her.
The only thing more difficult than resisting the temptation to embrace her tightly in that moment was drinking her sweet, fragrant blood last spring, trying to save her life. Two halves of me battled then, too. One half needed to save her. Could not exist without her in the world. I would surely perish if she wasn't. The other half was murderously resolved on consuming her until she was empty of blood.
The memory disgusted me, but made it easy then to wrap my hands around her fragile wrists and touch my lips lightly to her forehead. The warmth sent waves over me. I chose my last words carefully.
"Take care of yourself," I breathed. I was glad her eyes were closed; my mask fell and the grief started to seep through.
I stepped away.
And left her.