The Photo

Author's Note: I've always wondered where Angel's picture of Buffy, as shown in Angel S1, came from. So here's my idea behind its origins.

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All Angel wanted to was sit and read. His co-workers described this activity more as brooding in the dark, but he enjoyed time alone with a good book. Not that anyone seemed to understand that.

Not too long after he settled into the quiet comfort of his office with his favorite book propped open, Doyle barged in and kept insisting upon going out to a sports bar of some kind. Not long after that, Cordelia waltzed in as she was about to leave on a date with some obviously rich, young man in hopes of "moving on up", as she so eloquently put it.

Once she was gone, Doyle chatted as Angel listened. He began to flip randomly through Angel's book when it happened. As he was commenting how if Cordelia knew about his half-demon heritage, his chances would be worse than zero, the photo innocently slipped out of the pages.

Doyle scrambled to pick it up and once he saw the image, automatically whistled. "Wow," he exclaimed. "She's something. Is this an old squeeze of yours?" He flipped the picture over, showing the image to Angel.

Angel averted his gaze. "Yeah," he replied, turning away from his friend. It wasn't as if though he had forgotten it was there; in fact, when no one else was around, he would read and prop up the picture on his desk. It made him feel as if though he had company. Just the image of her kept away the bitter feeling of loneliness. Sometimes, though, it only made it worse.

"Well, how does she feel about a man with an Irish accent?" Doyle joked. Angel turned to look at him, a look of quiet despair written on his face. Doyle understood immediately and regretted making the joke. "Buffy," he confirmed. Angel nodded once. "Yeah," he said again softly.

The picture was quickly forgotten as Doyle had a vision right afterwards. But once everything had been said and done, Angel returned to his office and carefully removed the picture of Buffy from his book to examine it. Not many people knew he carried it or how important one little photo had become to him. Even less people knew why and when the picture had been taken.

Angel sat down heavily in his chair and closed his eyes. His memory of that day was so distinct and vivid, it could have been yesterday and not over a year ago, when he was still with her.

# # #

Buffy watched Angel, a small, amused smile playing across her lips as she watched her love. Angel wasn't a man of many emotions; he had been fairly reserved since his return and she was lucky if she could get a smile out of him. So Buffy couldn't help but be entertained by the quiet, giddy look in his eyes that she noticed the minute she had stepped into the mansion.

"When was the last time you were this mildly excited?" she jokingly asked from her place on his couch.

Angel looked up from the antique camera in his hands, distracted by the sound of her voice. To her surprise, he broke out into a grin and moved forward quickly, kissing her on the nose. "I'm always excited to see you," he replied.

Buffy crinkled her nose and laughed. "Good answer," she said with a chuckle. She paused before continuing. "So where did you find that anyway?"

Angel returned to fiddling with the camera, gently examining it. "I wandered into an antique store last night and found it. It looks just like one I had back in the 50s," he said. "It looks like it could still work, so I got some film."

She smiled again, almost taken aback by his enthusiasm. "I didn't know you like photography. What are you going to take pictures of?"

He looked up at her, a crooked grin on his face. Buffy stared back before tilting her head and sighing. "I just had to ask, didn't I?"

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Buffy had to suppress the urge to giggle as Angel's need for the perfect light had her moving her all about the mansion. He finally settled on placing her a few feet in front of the left corner of the courtyard garden. A few rays from the setting sun lit behind her, giving the perfect glow while still relatively safe for Angel to be outside.

Angel adjusted the strap of the camera around his neck, adjusting the lens. Buffy began to fidget where she stood.

"So, what do you want me to do? Stand here? Do a karate move?" she joked nervously. She couldn't explain it, but the thought of modeling for Angel's photos made her nervous. She felt like there was a spotlight on her, and Angel was her expectant audience.

Angel chuckled low under his breath at her babbling. "Just be natural, Buffy," he coaxed as he prepared to take the first shot. "Be you."

Buffy smiled reluctantly. "Alright, be me. Doesn't sound too hard." She was taken by surprise at the sound of the first click. "Hey! Give a girl a warning. My eyes were probably closed."

He smiled again from behind the camera. "I was just making sure it's working. Besides, they don't all have to be posed. Candid shots are good too."

She stuck her tongue out at him playfully, not surprised to hear yet another click.

Once Buffy loosened up, it was as if the camera wasn't ever there. Some shots were of her standing, looking directly at him or looking away. Others were of her as she talked and moved around, staying within the vicinity of the sunlight as it faded away. Angel was down to his last shot when he began to move to closer to her.

"Did you really manage to waste an entire roll of film on me?" she laughed as he approached.

Angel smiled softly. "There's just one more shot left."

Buffy looked directly at the camera lens and tucked her hair behind her left ear, tilting her head slightly. She kept her expression serious yet soft as she heard the last click of the camera. Angel let the camera rest against his chest and moved to take her hand.

"Perfect," he said as he kissed her on the forehead. She closed her eyes and smiled to herself, leaning towards him.

As they moved back inside, Buffy felt the question resting on the tip of her tongue. Like the mind reader she often accused him of being, Angel could sense it too. "Go ahead and ask whatever you need to ask," he said gently as he set the camera down beside the fireplace.

Buffy sighed and motioned him to sit with her on the couch. She relaxed into his embrace before finally speaking. "It's just… why the sudden need for pictures of me, Angel?"

It was then that Angel's expression became sad, a change that went unnoticed to Buffy as he hid his face in her hair. "Pictures allow things to stay the same. They freeze a moment in time, so that whatever—or whoever—is in them, essentially become immortal. The contents of the photo will always remain the same, no matter how much time passes or how old people become."

Angel took in an unnecessary breath, not sure how she would respond to what he would say next. "These pictures will let me keep you, just the way you are right now, in this very moment. It's the immortal version of you, so I'll have always have you with me, for as long as I remain alive."

Buffy turned her head to look at her love, who studied her expression carefully. Wordlessly, she leaned into him and kissed him softly and sweetly. As she pulled away, she reached up to touch his face and looked at him. "You will always have me, Angel," she finally said.

They settled into comfortable silence after that, watching the fire before them.

# # #

It wasn't until Angel was already in Los Angeles that he thought to develop the film. Things after that day had gotten hectic. With the Ascension looming ahead of them, the camera had been quickly forgotten.

As he hastily packed his belongings in the mansion, he had come across the camera in his bedroom. When he finally arrived in the City of Angels, one of the first things he did after unpacking was turn in a room in his apartment into a temporary darkroom.

Some of the pictures, due to the camera's frail state, had come out warped or blurred. He worked his way through the black and white roll of film of his only love, hoping that he would have at least one clear shot develop.

It was the final shot that Angel took of her that turned out to be the only one he could bring himself to keep. He remembered her expression that day clearly, having savored watching her in the sunlight as he stuck to the dark side of the garden.

The developed result was exactly as he pictured it. The background behind her was blurred, blobs of light and dark. But Buffy herself was crisp and clear. Her lips had a soft trace of a smile on them. Her eyes, looking directly at him, were slightly serious with wisdom only a Slayer could possess. She looked soft yet strong, just as Angel would always wanted to remember her.

Although Buffy had not at the time completely comprehended Angel's explanation the day he took the pictures, he hoped that she understood now. It would have been unfair to Buffy if he had stayed. It would have been selfish on his part, and he loved her too much to ever deny her anything, including a normal life. And while they were both now burdened with broken hearts, Angel hoped that someday, she would forgive him for the pain that he caused and realize that everything he did, including walking out of her life, was for her.

Angel stared longingly at the picture of her. His beautiful, brave Slayer, forever 18. He could now carry her with him, his one physical token of her. With a heavy sigh, he placed the photo in one of his favorite books, knowing that whenever he would have a moment to sit and read, she would be hidden within the pages, always within reach.

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