Chapter One: Taste the Cheese
Bilbo Baggins was serenely blowing smoke rings outside his house, eyes closed, when a smoke ring that smelt like a potent arsehole invaded his nostrils. He coughed, eyes watering, and looked up into the face of Gandalf, who was grinning maniacally at him. Bilbo wished Gandalf a hasty good morning before running back into his house.
Bilbo thought he was safe until he saw Gandalf's eye in the window. He screamed. Gandalf proceeded to lick his window. Bilbo knelt on the floor, feeling violated and humiliated. Gandalf drew a glowing blue dick on the door.
The worst was yet to come.
That night Bilbo sat down to some shit dinner of whole fish and potatoes. Only a poor man would eat that crap. Why was Bilbo eating fish without it being scaled? Gross.
Anyway, Dwalin came to the door. I mean literally CAME, as soon as Bilbo opened the door he was tainted by Dwalin's tough seed. Bilbo screamed again. Bilbo would do a lot of screaming in this tale.
As soon as Dwalin 'came' in, so did the other eleven dwarves. They overpowered Bilbo, ripping off his clothes and licking his body. Ignoring Bilbo's cries, they raided his pantry, stuffing their mouths with his good food. They didn't like the blue cheese though – they stuffed that into the bewildered Bilbo's gob, as he cried tears.
'Pussy,' Kili said serenely, as he crammed in more of the Devil's dairy into Bilbo's confused face-hole. 'Yes, you are the pussy that has been foretold.'
'Put in this DOILY, too,' said Fili. 'I've tainted it with royal gorgonzola gootch tang!'
'NOOOO,' cried Gandalf, who had decided then to swank his old droopy arse through the door. 'We must save him!'
'Awww,' said Ori, the dwarf that had a slingshot that may have been mentally retarded. His dick was as swollen as the cucumber he was waving around.
'Yes, we must save him! … FOR THORIN.'
Gandalf swanked his arse to the side so Thorin could come through. He examined the weeping Bilbo's rump. He pinched it. He poked it. He slapped it with Bofur's hat.
'GOOD!' He declared, looking like the internet meme of Grumpy Cat. He grabbed the butter away from Fatty Dwarf. He applied what was to be known from then on as 'Bitch Stink' to Bilbo's butt-chute.
Bilbo screamed.
'YOU WILL BE OUR BUGGER-ER-LER!' Thorin cried, before ramming his engorged phallus into Bilbo's Tasty Tunnel. 'This is your CONTRACT!'
Bilbo screamed (again). He contracted his rectum. This gave Thorin great pleasure. He began grooving, encouraged by the music the other dwarves were making with the pots and pans.
'Fuck the arse and fuck his face!
Cram in dicks and get in by force!
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!
Smash his shitter and burn his hole!
Fist his butt and suck on his fat!
Pour your cum on his rectum floor!
Splash your jizz on the pulsating balls!
Pump in the dump your boiling slaw!
Pound him up with your thumping pole!
And when you're finished if he is whole,
Take your love from his aching hole!
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!
So carefully, carefully, with the plates!'
To muffle the screams of Bilbo, they stuffed Bilbo's mouth with blue cheese. The old hobbit drinking wine from a jug outside didn't give a shit. He shit his pants. Crows flew to the East. A thrush snacked on a snail. A fucking squirrel didn't care. Thorin came, jiggling his butt like a wild Oliphant.
Bilbo had got the job.
The job was FUCKING.