Breathe No More

summary: riku is on edge, feeling alone and unloved, when sora and kairi find him. sora tries to talk to him, but he's unwilling to find a purpose to his own life. and then there's her...who is the strange girl on the island?

WARNING: CONTAINS BLOOD, VIOLENCE, DRUG USE, AND ATTEMPTED SUICIDE

story is in riku's POV

disclaimer: i dont own kingdom hearts!

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i've been walking in the mirror for so long

that i've come to believe my soul's on the other side

all the little pieces falling shatter

shards of me too sharp to put back together, too small to matter

but big enough to cut me into so many little pieces if i try to touch her

and i bleed, i bleed

and i breathe, i breathe no more

-breathe no more-evanescence

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What can I do? I just don't understand why it was so wrong. It was to save her, right I gave up on ever recieving her love. Isn't that enough? It's what they wanted, isn't it? For me to be out of the way. But Sora just had to come looking for me. It was easier for me when I was trapped. But now, when I saw them every day, I wanted her. I wanted her so badly. I gave up everything for her, but she still chose him. No matter how hard I tried, she never wanted me. She wanted him, and she always would.

It used to tear me up. Seeing the way they shot glances at each other when they thought I wasn't looking. Hearing the quiet laughs that always seemed to die down whenever I was around. I don't feel so bad anymore, though. I don't feel much of anything anymore. Not the cuts on my heart or the ones on my wrists. Of course, no one knows about them. They'd wonder why I did it, and I really don't want to explain it to them. Especially Sora and...and her.

And now? Well, I guess you can say I freaked out again. Drugs will do that to a guy. I tried to quit a few times. Almost dropped it completely. Hmm..relapse? Yeah, I'll go with that. I started them to make myself happier, and it seemed to work. Until I saw them together, that is.

Sighing, I turned away from the window and looked into the mirror. What's wrong with me? Dear gods, I look as bad as I feel. My eyes are glassy and red. I started putting on make-up to cover the dark circles under them. My once-perfect silver hair is now tangled and hanging limply over my shoulders and into my eyes. And I'm pale. Deathly pale. I havn't been outside in a while. Even when I do go out, all I wear are long sleeved shirts and long pants. Nothing showing any skin. I don't want them to see.

Then I snapped.

I smashed the mirror with my fist, not caring that the glass penetrated my hand, digging deep and making the blood pour out. I fell to my knees and cried as the glass shattered around me. I'm pathetic, I know. Crying like some deranged little school girl. I', seventeen, I'm not supposed to cry, but I just can't stop. It's becoming too much for me.

I absent-mindedly took a random shard of glass and carved their names into my arms. The tears falling from my once bright aquamarine eyes is mixing with the blood. Sora...Kairi...

Seized by grief, I lashed out. I just started slicing. Not caring that blood now covered the floor around me, not hearing the knock on the door, or when it opened. Not hearing the cry that echoed around me. I could only whisper one thing. " I loved you..." before I collapsed onto my side, laying in my own blood. I looked up and saw a pair of violet eyes looking upon me with horror and tears and, strangely, guilt.

Painfully I pushed myself up onto my knees. I stared back at her in silence until he found us. "Kairi, I don't think he's..." he froze as he turned his head and saw us. I think he thought I did it to her at first, until he looked down at me from in front of her. His eyes...looked so angry...sad, worried. "Riku...what...why...what did you do?" I looked up at him as tears clouded my eyes again. I couldn't speak. The words wouldn't come out. All I could do was choke out a sob as my arms shook and I fell, catching my hand on more glass.

"S-sora..." Kairi honestly looked horrified as she turned towards him, looking for an answer. Sora's eyes never left mine. When she turned back to me, she failed to hold back any longer. She collapsed to her knees and cried violently. She looked over at me, and my eyes hit the floor. I couldn't look at her. She touched my hand before I could pull away. "Why?" she whispered. "WHY!"

And suddenly I could speak again. I pushed myself up again, leaning on my left arm, the one which now bears her name. "Because it felt right," I said quietly, " it made me forget. I wanted to feel something new."

I stood shakily and walked to the dresser. Pushing some glass aside, I opened the drawer and tossed the evidence of my addiction on the bed. "I guess I couldn't handle it." Unaware that I had spoken aloud, I looked at Sora quizzically.

"How long?" he asked.

"Since we got back."

"Why?"

I shrugged. "Because it felt good. They made me happy."

It was a lie, plain and simple. But in my current state, he'd believe me.

I turned away. "Both of you...I'm sorry, but...please...just go."

"WHAT?" Sora exclaimed. "We can't just leave you here alone! Not like this! You might..."

"Just GO, Sora," I yelled through more tears. "Please."

Sora gave up. He grabbed Kairi's hand and pulled her away. I sighed and pulled the curtains over the window closed. As I lay down on my bed, an improvement from the floor might I add, I let more tears fall. I'd be alright tomorrow, but tonight I wanted to cry.

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gomenosai for everything

gomenosai i know i let you down

gomenosai til the end

i never needed a friend like i do now

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so, how was it? it's actually the first one i ever wrote. i have four chapters, but i'm going to wait for reviews before i post. i wanna know if anyone likes it. please review?