This was made for a Harry Potter parody challenge at the message board I go to. It's based in the summerbefore "Garry Plotter's" third year. There's some poking fun at the third movie, along with a little funny details that are in the books. So, I hope you laugh like...at least just once, so I don't feel too much like a writing idiot. :-)
Caitlin
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Garry Plotter was fast asleep in his room. He had just turned the ripe age of thirteen, so, his hormones were raging. His jet-black hair had now grown so long that people were starting to mistake him for a teen girl. His eyes were supposed to be green, but for some reason, they're now bright blue. He must've gotten color contacts.
The young boy was going in to his third year of school. Wizarding school, that is. Garry went to Hogwash, a school where only the most talented magical children went. Even if kids like Nevin Lungebottom managed to get in. Things are getting off topic already, just like in those Harry Potter movies. Anyways, he had just finished playing with his wand under the covers, which is not only illegal in the wizarding world, but also sounds completely wrong on multiple levels. Garry had a lot of homework that summer, most was from his arch-enemy, Professor Snipe, who had such greasy hair that you could ring his hair out and manage to fill up an oil tank. He used to have a very infamous hooked nose that people spoke of often, but after a long-awaited nose job, it's now like a little button, and resembles Jessica Simpson's nose, his nose of choice. Again, getting off topic. That happens a lot.
Garry had written his two best friends a lot that summer, Donald Whetherby and Mary-Sue Ranger. Letters from the both of them were scattered throughout the room. His friends meant the world to him, even if he will manage to treat them all like crap during his fifth year. Anyways, Don and Mary-Sue were madly in love. They were only thirteen and the year before they had just been platonic friends and no hints of affection were shown, but now romance was in full bloom and they were like that couple many of us saw in high school, that couple that made you want to puke because of how much snogging they managed to do in a mere few hours. We're getting off topic again. Sorry.
Garry was starting to wake up, his snowy owl, Medwig, was tapping on Garry's window. He let her in and shut her in her cage. She had "playfully nipped" his fingers one too many times and he was pretty sick of it. His aunt was pounding on his door, and yelled for him to come downstairs. His fat relative, Madge, was arriving at that very moment. She was fatter than a whale. Garry hated her more than anything, almost as much as his arch-nemesis, Moldewort. But this is the third year, so Moldewort will be talked about for a total of five minutes throughout the whole story. Anyways, Madge stomped into the foyer and the pictures on the wall shook with such force that Garry was pretty sure that the neighbors had felt the small quake. Madge stepped in to the kitchen and sat down. She got drunk quickly, and managed to make Garry so mad, that Garry gave her the meanest death stare he had; the whole room unnecessarily started to tremor, and Garry started breathing so heavily that he sounded asthmatic. And before Garry knew it, Madge was in the air and turning in to the largest, widest, and ugliest balloon he had ever seen. She floated out the door. How she managed to fit through such a small entrance, Garry never knew. He whipped out his wand, called his belongings to him, and ran out the door.
He booked it to the nearest haunted playground in town and sat down on the sidewalk, being all angsty and moody. He looked up at the stars. Soon, he saw a large object floating in the sky. He conjured up a little crossbow, and shot her down out of the sky. Madge was so full of air that Garry was pretty sure that she had flown all the way back to her home in the country. Out of nowhere, a crazy black dog came in to view, and starting barking at Garry viciously. Why a dog that will end up being his long, lost godfather would bark at him like that is unknown. Why couldn't the dog just run up to him and playfully lick his face? We're straying from the main topic again. Whoops. He took out his wand, ready to attack, but being the lanky kid he is, he tripped over his own two feet and fell flat on his face. Soon, this crazy bus came in to view, and it was an ugly shade of puce. As he got to his feet, this kid who had as much oil on his face as Snipe did on his hair came in to view. Garry actually thought about referring him to Proactiv, to help the poor kid get rid of all his ugly pimples. His name was Bernie. He helped Garry on to the train and took him to his seat. There were these annoying heads on the bus for no apparent reason because we'd rather listen to stupid talking heads than actually seeing important scenes that actually happened. Bernie wouldn't leave him alone the whole time, but luckily his stop came up in a matter of minutes.
Garry got dropped off at the Leaky Cauldron (that's in London). Before leaving, Bernie became even stranger by winking at Garry before leaving and slipping him a card that read, "Call me hun" and a phone number. After the uncomfortable goodbye between Garry and Bernie, Garry was greeted by some man, who was supposed to be Tom the Inn Keeper but looked like Igor off of Frankenstein. The man led Garry inside, and up to a special room where the Minister for Magic, who was really a stupid jerk who may have screwed over the wizarding world big time, was located. He sent Garry away minutes after. He walked downstairs to discover Donald and Mary-Sure were here, and of course when he came upon them, they were snogging in a corner. Afterwards they all sat down and discussed the crazy and boring summers that each one of them had. And like always, Mary-Sue had most of the lines and said many things that should have been said by Don, but she's Mary-Sue, so of course she gets the spotlight.
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i know, it could've been funnier, but I'm kind of creatively challenged. haha.