Title: On This Fine Morning
Author: Obi the Kid
Rating: PG
Summary: A Yappy Obi story! Obi-Wan turns normal (sort of) and Qui-Gon is not happy about it.
Obi: Good morning, Master Qui-Gon.
Qui: Good morning, Obi-Wan.
Obi: How are you this fine day, sir?
Qui: Ah, uh, I am quite well. And you?
Obi: I am wonderful and prepared for a fine day of training.
Qui: And…that's all?
Obi: Yes, sir. Whatever you would wish me to do today, just point me in that direction.
Qui: Sir?
Obi: It is what you are, correct?
Qui: Yes, but…
Obi: Then I should address you as such.
Qui: All right. But don't think that will get you a hug.
Obi: A highly respected master Jedi such as yourself has no need to engage in embracing rituals in order to train their apprentices to full potential, you are aware, yes?
Qui: Um…yes?
Obi: You should be more confident, Master Qui-Gon.
Qui: Confidence is not a problem for me, but you usually are.
Obi: And I am turning over a new leaf. Or leaves, shall we say?
Qui: Shall?
Obi: Proper language is expected of the best apprentices, is it not?
Qui: It is, but…shall?
Obi: Don't sound so surprised, sir. You are the responsible party who has trained me after all.
Qui: After all, I am. But well…you're not…you.
Obi: Correct. I am improved. When the time comes and you die at the hands of a Sith, I will be ready to assume responsibility for training the child that will one day be the demise of us all.
Qui: Ah, hmm. What?
Obi: Worries not, Master Qui-Gon. There will be much time for small talk later.
Qui: There will? I don't know exactly what you just said, but it seems a little bigger than just small talk. The demise of us all? Die at the hands of a Sith? Did you have another nightmare, Obi-Wan?
Obi: Not this night, I did not. I had the grandest slumber of my life.
Qui: Grandest slumber? Okay. Did you eat or drink anything funny before bed?
Obi: I find nothing funny about food or drink. Its purpose is to fuel my growing body and mind for the day's training.
Qui: True. But…did you get a hold of Yoda's smoking pipe?
Obi: Master Qui-Gon! I would never touch such an article or intake such a substance into my body. I would believe you thought better of me than that.
Qui: I do, but…did you take any drugs or…
Obi: Is it so difficult to believe that I am truly a fine apprentice, sir?
Qui: Well…sort of.
(Door chime rings)
Qui: Saved by the bell, thank the Force. Bren! Come in, please. It's a little weird in here, but you are always welcome.
Bren: Hey Stretch! Hey, kid!
Obi: Please Master Anders, I am an adolescent, not a 'kid'.
Bren: Ah, uh, um, okay. Sure, whatever you want. Hug?
Obi: I do not necessitate the engagement of embracing rituals.
Bren: You ah, whaaat?
Qui: I told you it was weird in here.
Bren: What the hell is wrong with him?
Qui: He's turned normal on me?
Bren: That's not normal, that's just odd.
Qui: Yes, anyway, we were going to the gym, Bren. Would you care to join us?
Obi: Does not Master Anders have classes to teach on this fine morning?
Bren: I do, but they don't start until later. More like, on this fine afternoon. I've got time to play with my two favorite people.
Obi: We will be training. There is no time for play when you are a young Jedi striving towards being one of the finest apprentices in the Order. I will present my best.
Bren: Oooookay. Right. Hey, Qui-Gon, I reiterate, what the hell is wrong with him?
Qui: No idea. Any normal person would say that he's gone a little insane when things change so dramatically, but insanity was his forte. Perhaps he's…sane?
Bren: Yeah well, it's creepy. Let's go.
Qui: Come, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Master Qui-Gon, may I lead the Kata exercises on this fine morning?
Qui: If that makes you happy, Padawan, lead away.
(At the gym.)
Obi: Wonderful motion, sir. May I use that technique in my next spar session with my age-mates?
Qui: You can do whatever you want with it. It's something I've taught you about thirty-five times now and you usually only succeed in slicing my knee caps open when you do it.
Obi: You are witty, Master Qui-Gon. And I do appreciate on this fine morning that I am somewhat vertically challenged. Do you wish to engage in a duel, sir?
Bren: Yeah. Go ahead…sir. Engage with the vertically challenged adolescent on this fine morning.
Qui: Not helping, Bren. Obi-Wan, certainly, I will spar with you. Let's go.
(Thirty minutes later.)
Obi: That was splendid, sir! You are quite the adversary. A fine swordsman on this fine morning. May I take my leave for a moment and see about the other apprentices?
Qui: You may.
Bren: Okay, Qui-Gon. Something is seriously wrong with that kid. He's gone loopy. Did you spike his milk or did he hit his head?
Qui: I didn't spike anything. And who knows about the head thing. He's always running into things and bruising some part of his body. I've no idea what this is all about. All I can tell you is that we came home yesterday from that mission on Rancon 3 and then…ohhhhhhh, wait a minute. The soldiers on that planet have apprentices. Very different from Jedi, but there are some minor similarities. There's no allowance for a misstep there either. It's very formal and very strict and they all turn out wonderfully bright and strong, but…rigid. The apprentices are often praised for that rigidity and conformance to strictness. And they each strive to best one another. There are levels and all are ranked. The very best are promoted quickly and are most valued by the Prime Minister as his royal guard. While we were there, Obi-Wan followed them around, watching them. I'm just not sure why he brought it home.
Bren: Well, maybe he's looking for praise?
Qui: What? I tap him on the shoulder once in a while. I even ruffled his hair last week.
Bren: But did you tell him you were proud of him for anything he accomplished last week?
Qui: He didn't accomplish anything except getting us tossed out of the Council chambers and embarrassing Chancellor Valorum in the mall.
Bren: You went to the mall without me?
Qui: Sorry.
Bren: You should be.
Qui: Bigger problem here, remember? So perhaps I didn't praise him. But if he constantly screws up, what's to praise?
Bren: He doesn't constantly screw up. I just don't think you appreciate the subtle things he does.
Qui: Obi-Wan is many things; subtle is not one of them. But all right, let me think. He did do well on the mission. He didn't try and hug anyone or talk an ear off. And he pointed out a problem with the Prime Minister's speech…and did it quietly.
Bren: No praise?
Qui: Hmmm. No. I screwed up, right?
Bren: Big time, Sweet Knees. Probably why he's gone over to the Nutty Side. Try the praise thing when he comes back over. Oh and you may want to make that soon; those kids over there don't appear to be enjoying Mr. Rigidity.
(Obi-Wan returned moments later, trying not to sulk.)
Qui: is there a problem, Obi-Wan?
Obi: The other apprentices are not appreciative of my offerings. They have rejected and severed ties with me. I had no choice but to return to your presence on this fine morning, Master Qui-Gon.
Qui: Well, that's all right. I enjoy your company, Obi-Wan. Which reminds me, you did quite well on our most recent mission. I was very pleased and proud of how you presented yourself throughout. Well done, Padawan.
Obi: Thank you, sir. I hope I can continue to be the apprentice that you deserve as a Jedi Master. Now, if I may, I would like to return to our quarters so that I might study for next week's exam in Physics. Sir?
Qui: Ah, sure, why not? Next week? You mean you're not going to cram the night before?
Obi: I have learned that those methods do not advance me as they should. I shall now begin my studying a week in advance and study for several hours each day.
Qui: You don't think you might get bored with all that studying? What about the other hobbies you engage in? I don't think Cyan, Nev or Brazo's lives would be complete if you didn't harass them for mush every day.
Obi: Ah, mush. I do regret my foray into that area. I spent far too much time craving a physical feeling of comfort from people who do not seem to appreciate me. Those days are past, sir. I will return to quarters now.
Qui: Right. I'll meet you there soon.
(Qui-Gon and Bren are alone)
Bren: What the…he's giving up mush? No. I think he's possessed or something. Some alien has stolen his brain, or melted it. Drugged him maybe. Blackmail. Something. That is not your kid, Qui-Gon.
Qui: I admit to being perplexed.
Bren: And I know how much you hate being perplexed. It makes your hair all frizzy.
Qui: My hair…what? No it doesn't. And they have shampoo for that now. Have you been to the shampoo aisle lately? There are just hundreds of bright colored options. I don't see how anyone can make a viable decision…
Bren: HEY!
Qui: Huh? Oh. Sorry. I don't know what happened there. I should go talk to him, yes? Maybe he just needs someone to listen so he can work through this.
Bren: Good idea. I've got to make a quick run. I'll stop by your quarters in about an hour to make sure you haven't strangled him.
(An hour later, Bren walks into the Jinn/Kenobi quarters to find them in the middle of a slap fight.)
Bren: What the hell is happening?
Qui: Stop…acting…sane…damn it.
Obi: I am not acting, sir. I…ouch! I am becoming the apprentice you wish me to be. Ow!
Qui: I don't want a stick in the mud, you moron. SITH! I want you to be normal…normal for you. OUCH! Don't pull my hair!
Obi: You pulled my braid first, sir!
Qui: Stop. Calling. Me. Sir! Eahhhhhhhh ow!
Bren: BOYS! What are you doing? A girlie slap fight with hair pulling? Really?
Obi: He started it. He slapped me in my face, like this!
Qui: OUCH! I only started it because you kept acting like that.
Obi: Like what? Normal? Look, sir, I want to be a great apprentice, I want to make something of my life on this fine morning. I can't do that the way I was behaving before. I must change. So, stop slapping me! OW! Leggo of my braid!
Qui: Not until you try and hug me!
Bren: Whoa! You do know what you just said, right, Master Girlie Man?
Qui: I do and I am not a girl.
Bren: Yeah? Prove it. Take your battle over near the mirror and then tell me that you're not a girl. Both of you.
(The pair slapped and hair pulled their way to the bathroom mirror. Once they caught a reflection, it stopped them immediately in their tracks.)
Qui: Hmmmm.
Obi: Umm…
Qui: Humpf.
Obi: Welllllll…
Bren: Told you. Now let go of each other's hair and come here. Now! Good. Now, stay! As usual, I have to fix you. I don't get paid for this either. You, Qui-Gon, stop fighting with the kid. You are supposed to be training him, not slapping him like a girl. You, Obi-Wan. Stop acting normal, or I will kick your as…
Qui: Bren!
Bren: What? If it's gotta be done, I will do it. I mean it.
Obi: You do not wish me to act normal, sir? Is that it?
Qui: I want you to act like you, not like something you aren't. Those apprentices on Rancon 3 are not Jedi. There is an entirely different structure there. You don't have to be the best Jedi apprentice in the Order. You only need be the best you can be. And if that involves driving half the temple crazy with mush requests, then that's the way it has to be. So, stop acting weird. Stop it!
Obi: But, sir…
Qui: And stop sir-ing me.
Obi: But it is a sign of respect.
Qui: I know you respect me, Obi-Wan. You don't need that stupid three letter word to prove it.
Bren: Yeah, kid, you should go back to your other favorite three letter word.
Obi: What's that?
Bren: Sad. Just sad. Let the kid go all normal on you and he forgets what he is. Hug, you idiot. Hug. Your favorite three letter word.
Obi: Ohhhhhhhh, that word. Well, now that you mention it, I do love that word.
Bren: I know you do. Now, can you be normal again please? And I mean your normal, not normal normal.
Obi: Yes.
Qui: Just like that?
Obi: Yes.
Qui: So, what do we do now?
Obi: Hug me?
Qui: No.
Obi: But, Master! You said you would hug me if I became normal again. I'm normal again. I'm me! The old Obi, not that stuffy new one. That was rough, you know. How do people walk around like that? Like they have a stick up their a…
Bren: KID! Enough!
Obi: Well, it's true! Trust me. I know from several hours of experience. And that whole 'on this fine morning' thing? What was I smoking? Sheesh! Now, can someone hug me please? And I'd like to watch a Lima vid today. One where he doesn't die. He dies a lot in his vids. He must like the angst. I like angst. Angst leads to mush and mush is crazy good. So, a hug and angsty Lima is what I require. Ready, Master?
Qui: No and no….OUCH! Damn it, Bren! What was that for?
Bren: You're as big an idiot as he is. The two of you deserve each other. Hug the little runt, would you?
Qui: Oh no. No way. You know what happens when I hug him. He becomes a human leech. Just suctions himself right onto you and won't let go. No hugs.
Bren: Well then, I will have to say the same for you. I withhold hugs from you until you start acting like a normal father.
Qui: First of all, that's not fair.
Obi: Ewww. Are you talking about adult mush?
Qui: Shut up, Obi-Wan. Second of all, I am not his father. Father's are stuck with these things forever. I get to ditch mine when he takes his trials.
Obi: At age twenty-five.
Qui: Not in my lifetime.
Obi: You'll be dead, no need to worry about it.
Qui: Would you stop trying to kill me when you turn twenty-five please! I have a right to live a nice long retirement after you're gone.
Obi: Sorry. You die, I cry. I kill crazy Sith guy. Then a few years later Jerk Boy-turned-Sith Kid kills everyone else. It's pretty tragic. I'll need a tissue. If they ever do a movie of it, Lima should play you. He dies better than anyone and since you get to die…
Qui: Enough! Fine! If I hug you will you shut up?
Obi: Yup.
Qui: Then let's get this over with.
Bren: I can feel the love. It's so heartwarming.
Qui: Obi-Wan, let go now.
Obi: Not gonna do it.
Qui: Bren, pull him off me please.
Bren: No way, Stretch. I'm getting all misty eyed watching this.
Qui: Liar. You're laughing. Stop it, Bren. Let go, Obi-Wan.
Bren: This is so beautiful.
Qui: It is not! He's digging his fingernails into my robe. Obi-Wan if you tear my robe, I will bury you in it.
Obi: Then I would die happy, Master. I mean, right now, I'm just slated to live in a desert for the rest of my life and then die in a girlie fight, so your way sounds better.
Bren: Girlie fight, huh? Is that what you were just practicing for?
Qui: I was not fighting like a girl.
Bren: And what's wrong with fighting like a girl? We can do some serious damage.
Qui: You know what I mean. Obi-Wan, LET ME GO!
Obi: Only if you promise to watch angsty Lima with me.
Qui: No.
Obi: Okay.
Qui: OUCH! I CAN'T BREATHE! YOU ARE CHOKING THE LIFE OUT OF ME!
Bren: By wrapping his arms halfway around your waist? What a wuss. Come on, kid, let him go now.
Obi: Okay.
Qui: How did you do that? And why does he listen to you?
Bren: Girls rule!
Qui: That's mature.
Bren: No, it's not. But, girls rule!
Obi: They do, Master. Maybe you should consider being one. Then maybe crazy Sith Guy won't kill you.
Qui: I am not becoming a girl and I am not going to be killed by crazy Sith Guy anytime soon.
Obi: Right, you still have twelve years, six weeks, three days…
Bren: That's enough, kid. The veins on his forehead are expanding. His head will explode if you continue. Go find a Lima vid to watch. We'll meet you at the couch…on this fine morning.
Obi: On this fine…ha! You're funny, Master Bren. Hug?
Bren: You know it!
Obi: Aaaah. Nice. Okay, I'll go find Lima.
Qui: Why did he let go so fast?
Bren: Because I hug him freely. It's not an ordeal. It's not a game of stress. I welcome the embrace. Enjoy it for the moment and then it's over. Simple, huh?
Qui: No, it's not that simple. Nothing is that simple with this child.
Bren: If you'd stop and pay attention, it would be. Now, go sit down next to him on the couch. Shut up and enjoy the next two hours. Who knows, you might be dead in twelve years, six weeks, three days…
Qui: Would you stop it. You feed right into him, that's why he likes you.
Bren: He likes you too, dummy. Go and sit. Now.
Qui: Fine! But I won't enjoy it.
Obi: Hi, Master! Master Bren made you sit next to me, didn't she? And you listened to her.
Qui: I didn't have a choice.
Obi: She takes away your will?
Qui: She sucks the life out of me.
Obi: And you become an obedient dog.
Qui: It's sad what I have become.
Obi: It really is sad. But at least you don't have a stick in the mud apprentice anymore. I don't like being that Obi-Wan. I'll never be him again. It's the old me or nothing.
Qui: I suppose that's all right. You were quite stuffy and drab.
Obi: I was. It didn't work for me or for our relationship. There's only room for one stuffy and drab member of this team, right Master?
Qui: Are you calling me stuffy and drab?
Bren: Shut up, Stretch. Of course he is. Obi-Wan, let's watch some Lima. What are we watching anyway?
Obi: His newest. The Grey Troll. Lima gets stuck in some Hoth-like place where he tries to not freeze his bejeezers off and has to survive attacks by four-legged, hairy grey trolls with fangs who want to eat him alive.
Qui: Nothing like a vid based on realism.
Bren: It's Lima. He could get attacked by giant cantaloupes and the kid and I would still watch, right Obi-Wan?
Obi: I don't like to eat cantaloupes, Master Bren.
Bren: Missed the whole point, didn't you?
Obi: Probably. It's been a long day. Being not-me is hard.
Qui: Try being the master of not-you. Or better yet, try being the master of you-you.
Obi: You should try being the apprentice of stuffy and drab, it's not easy either.
Qui: Well you should try living with your obsessive mushy crap all the time.
Obi: And you should try living with Mr. Grooms-a-lot. Trying to get into the bathroom in the morning is like…
Bren: BOYS!
Qui/Obi: What?
Bren: Shut up. Eyes to the monitor. Watch Lima. Behave.
Qui/Obi: Yes, ma'am.
Obi: Wow, we are so weak.
Qui: We are powerless against her.
Obi: At least we have Lima…and twelve more years together.
Qui: Whatever you say, Obi-Wan.
Bren: On this fine morning…
The End.