Day 1,814

She felt as if she were in slow motion as she weaved through the people of Joe's bar. She bumped a few shoulders as she made her way over and plopped down on the creaky bar stool. The bartender looked at her like he was making a first impression. Since she had never been to Joe's before, she was a foreigner to everyone here.

After being rejected and burned by two of the maybe five people she truly cared about in Seattle, she was drowning in self-pity and shame. She did the only thing she knew to do when she felt she had nowhere else to turn. Sadly, there were other things she could've done. But lately, the poison she once so deeply craved came knocking again, tempting her. But she was scared, so, so scared, of what it would do to her.

I can tell you're still testing the water

And don't know how to begin

But this is a moment, you can't hesitate or slow down

Just gotta dive right in

After sipping a water with glassy eyes for what seemed like forever, she ordered a vodka when a sort of familiar man sat down beside her. As the bartender sat down the glass, her eyes focused in on the poison in front of her. She got wrapped up in the glass, taking in the beads of sweat running down its sides and the perfect shape of the ice cubes it held. Then, suddenly, she picked it up and tipped it back along with her curly brunette head.

As the cold liquid sparked up every taste bud on her tongue and ran down her throat, cooling it, she tilted her head back more and stared off. It's been so long. And damn, she'd forgotten how good it was. But damn, she knew she was going to regret this in the morning when she woke up with a pounding head puking her guts out. After 1800 days, she'd fell off. Shit.

I can see your eyes flood with desire

And fear that you might capsize

Despite the fear that grabbed her organs and churned them in her body, she took another drink. And another. And another. She lost herself in the act of changing out glasses with the bartender every 20 minutes. The thought of what she was doing erased away, leaving her with complete desire and want. She kept ordering vodka after vodka. The man beside her watched with a smirk.

After about 6 glasses of vodka, Joe persuaded her keys from her purse and called her a cab. She didn't know where to go, though. She got kicked out of Meredith's and Owen rejected her. She had no one else here, except Maggie and Richard. Surely Maggie would understand and convince Meredith to let her back in, at least for one night so she could gather her things. She scrolled through her phone to Maggie's contact, but just before she clicked it, she saw his name. The dealer was probably parked behind Joe's, just like he was the night she scored some Oxy from him after she blew up on Richard. She clicked his number instead and, after arranging to buy two bags from him, headed out of Joe's.

But this is the moment and oh, you can control it

So even though you're terrified

She slipped down the alley beside of Joe's and speed walked to the car with tinted windows idling on the curb. The window slid down slowly and revealed the face of the junky doctor whom then stuck his hand out the window. Amelia dug around inside her purse then placed two twenty's in his hand. He stuck a tiny bag of crystallized Oxy out of the window. He nodded, Amelia returned it, and she headed off. She ignored the cab parked outside of Joe's for her and walked across the street to the hospital. Yes, the hospital was probably one of the worst places to go right now, but she couldn't show her face at Meredith's yet. Especially not while she was halfway drunk and equipped with the drugs that killed her ex-fiancé. She shoved the small baggy in her purse after running her fingers over the smooth package and opened the hospital door. She didn't know who was on-call tonight, but she was hoping it wasn't Owen. God, please don't let Owen be here. She would just head to her locker, grab a change of clothes, and then leave and find a hotel to sleep off the big mistake weighing on her shoulders.

Upon entering the surgical floor, the first person she saw was, of course, Owen. She prayed she didn't look much different than her normal self. He was looking down at a tablet, standing at the nurses station, so she dropped her head and stared at the floor as she skimmed by him real quick. Yes! She made it to the locker room. She found her locker and started turning the dial of the lock, but she couldn't find the right combination in her mind. She tried a couple different things, but soon got frustrated. She slammed her fist into the door and yelled, "Dammit!" She crashed her head and arms onto the locker. Then she heard footsteps. "Amelia?" Dammit. It was him. "Please, go away." She sniffled, even though she wasn't crying. Surprisingly, he didn't push, he just parked himself on the locker room bench. She lifted her head, turned away from him, and ran into the bathroom.

Fall with me to the open water

There is no lifeline to climb

The deeper you go, swallowed by the undertow

The more you feel alive

She dug around for the baggy. When she felt the slick, thin plastic rub over her index finger, she breathed a sigh of relief. She opened it. The smell drifted out and made her nose sting. Wow, it had been so long. She still would never forget how to do this, though. She dumbed a little mound of the crystal Oxy in her left palm, leaned down and snorted it up her nostril. She picked herself back up, making sure it went down okay. She looked in the mirror, fixed herself a bit and walked back out, ready to face him, whom she knew would realize what she had done. She sauntered back over to the bench, ready for the confrontation. She stood at the edge of the bench, arms crossed, legs firm, and hip cocked out a little.

He looked up, resting his eyes on her face, taking in her appearance. She looked down at his hands folded, clenching. "Amelia," he cocked his head, "What have you been doing?"

"Ha," she laughed.

"Have you been drinking?" Complete concern filled his big, blue eyes.

"Yes."

"Amelia, why?" He ran a hand over his face and wrinkled his eyebrows.

"Why do you care?" She tried to walk past him and leave, but his hand grabbed hers and stopped her.

"Of course I care, Amelia. You've been doing so well for so long. You've been sober for, what, 4 years now? What happened?" He stroked her hand with his thumb, but she jerked hers away.

"What happened?! My sis- Meredith- completely turned on me. Screwed me over, said I wasn't her sister after everything we've been through together. Then you- pushed me away. I had nowhere else to turn, Owen. I didn't know what else to do. So, I walked across the street, had about 5 or 6 glasses of vodka and even scored some Oxy! I'm on a roll!" She ranted. Owen looked at her with complete sorrow and pity.

"Amelia, I- I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I can't believe- I- this is my fault. Damn, I'm so sorry." He dropped his head.

"It's not your fault, Owen. It's mine. I lost my sister, you, and now a place to live."

"She kicked you out?"

"Yes."

"You can come stay with me. I can hel-," He offered, but got cut off.

"No. I'm going to a hotel. I'll see you at work tomorrow." She turned and strutted away, leaving him with a heavy heart.

I can tell you the truth you're seeking

It's here if you'd let it go

Just relax, let the waves crash at your back

Give into the unknown

As she laid down in the unfamiliar, cold bed that night, her mind at ease, but her blood racing through her veins, she found herself thinking back to Meredith and Owen. She could fix this. This was partly her fault. Yes, Meredith betrayed her, but she only pushed it further. Owen did reject her, but she didn't have to resort to the poison that was coursing through her veins. Tomorrow it was back to Day 1. A fresh start, a clean slate. She needed people, though. To start all over and fix this bad, bad mistake, she would need people. She needed to reconcile with Meredith and Owen. She knew Owen would welcome it openly, Meredith, however, wasn't that easy to mend things with.

Her eyelids drooped and her breathing slowed a tad. Tomorrow was Day 1. Again. She could do it. She knew she could. She would need some help, but she could do it. She had people. She just has to reach out and seek their help. She could do this. She can. She will.

So let the cool water wash away

The times that you've been burned before

And we'll ride on the tide

Until we're back to shore