Disclaimer: *rolls eyes* Are these really necessary? -_-' Dya think I'd be writin 4 free if I thought I owned the stuff? Heck no! lol Nor do I own the song "Everything." That's the property of Lifehouse and some other people.

QoH: My 1st Fushigi Yugi (4 the purposes here, I'll be usin the english version) fanfic! I started readin FY recently, and found it absolutely addictin! True, I've only read volume six, since that's all they have at the library so far (therefore, if I get any info wrong, can u guys tell me? thanks. whatever wasn't in v6 is stuff I found on the 'net, so I'm not sure how accurate it is ^_^ either that, or its my own creation lol), but I think it's fantastic! Of course, given the volume, my favorite character is Hotohori! *_* That dude aint just the emperor of Hong-Nan, ya know! He also reigns supreme in the sweetness department, not 2 mention da boy's a total Hottie (notice the capital "H" hehe) *thinks 4 a sec* Hm... why do I get the feelin that I'm preachin 2 the choir? lol Duh, of course u all like him, 2, or u wouldn't be be readin a fanfic about him lol that is, him and Miaka! :D Ya know, I respect the whole Tamahome/Miaka 'ship, really I do. But, I can't help thinkin H/M would've a better couple... (by the way, "zutto" means "always," in case ya didn't know)

Setting: I know that Hotohori dies in the real thing, protectin Miaka and her world (naturally), a fact that really disturbs me (ie. makes me cry like a baby), so I'm makin it like that battle with Nakago never took place (^_^ In fact, the whole gang's alive! I can't stand 2 c such cool guys die! ;_;) Oh, and I know he's married *sniff*, but I don't really know much about his wife (Houki?), so I'm pretendin she doesn't exist either ('sides, it's not really fair 2 her that her hubby's still in love with Miaka) Oh, yeah, and Miaka's in Tokyo with Tama for now… ^_~ hehe *looks over the notes* Okies, I think that's everything...

Zutto

Chapter 1: Bittersweet Memories

                Hotohori sat at his desk, his head in his hands. While his country celebrated the summoning of Suzaku and the ensuing peace, he'd isolated himself in his private office, working on tedious paperwork, as he had for days. He'd never liked the stuff, but he'd needed an excuse to escape the revelry, and that seemed as good as any.

                The only thing was, he couldn't concentrate on it enough to even see the letters properly. One constant, painful thought occupied his mind and heart all the time, leaving little room for anything else. Miaka... Watching her leave, disappear into her own world had been harder on him than he'd thought it was going to be. I wonder what it's like, that Tokyo she'd always talked so fondly of, he mused vaguely, standing to walk to the balconey. Looking up at the sky sadly, he immediately spotted the star that symbolized her. Next to his constellation, it twinkled happily down at him, reminding him of her own shining personality. Eyeing his own ruefully as it hovered near the bright little dot of light, he knew that was the closest he'd ever come to her, ever again.

                Hanging his head as he leaned against the post that shared the weight of the sheltering roof, Hotohori's eyes fell on the teddy bear at his feet. Kneeling, he picked up the small stuffed animal, slowly running his fingers over the strange material. Sitting back against the railing, he wrapped the bear tight in his arms. He closed his eyes as he buried his face in it, tears he could no longer hold back soaking into the toy. A faint, but unmistakable trace of Miaka's scent remained, and he breathed deep to take it in, his nerves calmed slightly at the tiny connection with his love.

                "How I miss her..." he whispered, dropping his head wearily against the ornate border between him and the ground below. I hope she's happy, he wished haltingly, hesitating for a moment as he forced himself to think it, with Tamahome... He was happy with his friend and fellow warrior, really he was, but why did it have to be Miaka? Why couldn't he have fallen for Yui, or somebody? The former Seriyuu priestess certainly wouldn't have had a problem with that, he was sure. Why did it have to be the girl Hotohori had loved before he'd even known her?

                Yes, he smiled as he remembered his youthful enthusiasm for the legend of the Suzaku priestess, he'd been so happy to hear about "the girl from another world," thinking she would relieve his loneliness. Which she did, in a way, but she'd also brought a whole new level of emotions to his heart.

                He knew now that what he'd felt for her as a child had really been nothing more than a mere crush, a wishful thought he guarded carefully as he was surrounded fawning servents and subjects. Yet, after meeting the girl who'd haunted his dreams since that time, he knew he was in for it, and bad. After getting to know her, he'd found the old feelings had fully returned, and that they'd brought more mature reinforcements.

                Hotohori's mind travelled back to the time after he'd saved her from drowning. He'd been so scared then, more so than he'd ever been in all his life, and probably ever would be. While he'd searched in the raging thunderstorm, he'd nearly lost it, falling into full-blown panic, where he would've been useless to everone, especially Miaka. Even when he'd found her, tangled in the clinging seaweed, the terrifying notion crossed his mind that he'd been too late, that her beautiful spirit had been extinguished forever.

~Find me here.

                He'd always been loyal to Suzaku, but in that moment, he'd prayed as he'd never prayed before, in a desperate plea that the god might save his angel. To his utter relief, Suzaku had answered him, helping him to bring Miaka to the shore where their friends waited anxiously. As they'd chattered around him in varying degrees of worry, shock, or mixtures of both, Hotohori silently thanked him as he'd held an unconscious Miaka close in his protective embrace.

~Speak to me.~

                He'd carried her, both of them still dripping wet, to his chamber, where he'd had a female servant remove her clothing so she didn't get hypothermia while he'd changed his own in the next room. Admittedly, he'd wanted to do it, himself, but he'd known it wasn't right, so he'd restrained himself firmly. Besides, Hotohori smiled ironically to himself, laughing a little for the first time in over a week, she probably would've beat me over the head with the nearest blunt object if she'd found out that I'd done something like that.

                Watching her as she slept had been a rare treat that Hotohori had savored as he'd sat quietly by her bedside, not wishing to wake her when she'd obviously needed rest. Even when clearly distressed, her shadowed eyes scrunching up and flitting about frantically, she'd still looked like a beautiful figment of his lonely imagination, as she always had.

                When she'd awoken and they'd talked, he'd gotten the, what he considered now, foolish idea to press his own advances on her, pratically begging her to give him a chance, knowing full well she still loved Tamahome. For a moment, he'd been able to feel hope as she'd reacted instinctively to the undying, devoted love he'd offered her in his kiss.

~I want to feel you.
  I need to hear you.~

                That tiny glimmer, that glimpse of heaven had been too good to last, however. When she'd pulled away, her eyes clouded by pain once more, he'd just smiled over his keen disappointment and sat beside her as she'd drifted off again. He'd expected it, known it was coming, but he couldn't help feeling that he'd been cheated somehow. Not by Miaka, no, never by her. Wishful thinking again, he sighed as he stood up and trudging inside, shutting the doors softly behind him, I really have to learn not to do that...

                When he climbed in bed, he still kept the bear with him, the slight comfort it offered made it a welcome guest. He rested his head beside it, staring at it until exhaustion took him at last. Perhaps it was a trick of the moonlight, but if Hotohori had been awake he might have wondered about the flash deep in the eyes of the bear...


QoH: Ok, so not a lot happened in this chapter... ^_~ Just wait, it's comin! I do kinda like this "wool-gathering" bit by Hoto-chan, tho... :D Ominous lil bit there with at the end, huh? hehe Review, please? *puppy eyes* I'd love 2 know what u all think of my 1st attempt at an FY fic!