Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and I'm as poor as a church mouse, so don't bother suing me, I have no money.

Author's note: I don't mention the character's names, it can be anybody…decide on your own…oh, I don't mind if you review.

Mixed feelings

I feel empty.

We have been a couple for more than three years now and although I have to admit I have been absolutely in love with him during the first year, this love started to fade somehow. I don't know when it began or why…

I used to feel absolutely secure being with him. Now I prefer to be on my own…my body aches for someone to hold me in a tight embrace when I'm alone and when he's there to take me in his arms all I want is to get away.

There is another person in my heart…someone I've loved even longer than him. I doubt that this person feels the same for me. I could never really be together with him, I think…but I yearn for him…for his body to be close to mine and for his lips to touch my very soul when he would kiss me…he would never kiss me, that's for sure…

I betray the person that has shared the last few years with me, don't I? Yet, I cannot break up with me nor tell him anything about the way I feel. It's weird, but I have to keep it secret. I really am afraid of losing him. How could I ever live without him? How can I go on living with him? Confused. I'm so confused and don't know what to do. My heart tells me to give up on both of them, but I am not brave enough. I'm to scared to live my life without a person I could turn to. What if I can't find a new love?

Maybe that's why I stay with him. I like him. I even can tell him I love him, because in some twisted and crazy way I really do care for him. He's the one who's there for me if I need him. He'll never let me down.

Isn't it better to be with someone you can be sure of? I'm sad and depressed…when did I turn out to be such a liar? I do not only betray him, but myself as well. And there's nothing I could do about it. I have no clue how to change myself.

Do I have to change at all?

This is tearing up my heart…my entire being. I lost myself in the past 3 years. I drown and I suffocate.

I could never hurt him…after all I care about him and somehow I have to make sure he's alright. What if this is what love is all about? What if this friendly and caring feeling is all that is left after the first shiver of being in love has faded? Then it would be okay to stay with him.

Inside me, my heart is desperate. It wants to feel passion and lust and there should be butterflies in my stomach every time I see him.

I'm broke. I'm shattered to pieces and no one  around me notices it.