A/N: Welcome all to Briar Elwood's first venture into songfics!
I watch the western sky
The sun is sinking
The geese are flying south
It sets me thinking…
It had been a year ago today. At least by his timeline. By Earth's timeline it was a full 50 years ago. Why the TARDIS had landed so late afterwards, the Doctor didn't know. In fact, he hadn't even known why she had taken him here at all at first. He had woken up feeling peculiar—there was something in the feel of the day and he hadn't been able to pick it out.
For the longest time he had laid in bed, trying to remember. And then he had felt the TARDIS land. Quickly throwing on clothes, he rushed to the control room and checked the date. December 29, 2060. He frowned. December 29th…why did that ring a bell? He walked out the door to be hit by a cold blast of air. After the rush left, he examined his surroundings and suddenly remembered.
Across the street was the all too familiar cemetery.
I did not miss you much
I did not suffer
What did not kill me then
Just made me tougher…
His first thought was to leave immediately. He wasn't going to stay here! The emotional strain, the hard, dull ache that he knew would arise would be too much, too difficult to deal with. But the TARDIS never landed anywhere by accident, no matter what it may seem like at first. So the Doctor stayed. In fact, shivering against the bitter cold, he went inside the cemetery's gates to find that headstone he knew was there.
I feel the winter come
His icy sinews,
Now in the firelight
The case continues…
Another night in court
The same old trail
The same old questions asked
The same denial…
After the terrible accident, after the funeral (the only human funeral the Doctor had ever attended), the Doctor had left quietly, lost and dead. Nothing mattered to him. Nothing at all. The TARDIS had tried to help him, comfort him. But after realizing that wasn't going to work, the TARDIS had settled on a different tactic. Questions would arise at various moments, various locations. After these intense conversations, the Doctor always left feeling interrogated. But he never gave in. He would never admit it. Never.
The shadows close me round
Like jury members
I look for answers in
The fire's embers…
Why was I missing then
That whole December?
I give my usual lie
I don't remember…
There it was—the headstone he knew so well. For the longest time, the Doctor stood in the bone-chilling snow, staring at the name carved in the beautiful Gallifreyan marble. He had asked her mother for permission to carve the headstone personally with the marble from his home planet and she, being too grief-stricken to argue, had easily agreed. Tears formed in his eyes, but whether from the icy wind or from sorrow, he didn't know. The familiar ache renewed as he read the words he had carved.
In Loving Memory of
Rose Tyler,
Daughter, Friend, and Companion.
Far She Traveled, Long She Loved,
Bringing Joy to All Who Knew Her
But Graced By Her Smile
We Shall Be No More
Another winter comes
His icy fingers creep
Into these bones of mine
These memories never sleep
And all these differences
A cloak I borrowed
We kept our distances
Why should it follow
I must have loved you?
So maybe he had. Maybe he had loved this human. Why? She was a human, pitiful and weak, he was a Time Lord, mysterious and noble. But she had been beautiful, cheerful, smart . . .she hadn't been the typical stupid ape. Not in the slightest. But why? What was this force, this power that had drawn him to her? And why wouldn't he admit it?
What is the force that binds the stars?
I wore this mask to hide my scars
What is the power that pulls the tide?
Never could find a place to hide…
What moves the earth around the sun?
What could I do but run and run and run?
Afraid to love, afraid to fail
A mast without a sail…
He spent the night sitting there, across from Rose's grave, contemplating various tangents. He was almost surprised when the sun started to rise behind him. He stood and turned, watching as the morning rays stretched out, feeling every corner, every shadow. He had known Rose had loved him—when he had figured that out, he had backed away. Nothing could happen between them. He wasn't going to allow it.
The moon's a fingernail
And slowly sinking
Another day begins
And now I'm thinking
That this indifference
Was my invention
When everything I did
Sought your attention
With the warming sun, the Doctor smiled. No matter what cautions he had taken, Rose had always been there. To help him, to guide him, to bring joy into his life when nothing else could. She had shown him the good in life, the sprouting seed of hope after the storm.
You were my compass star
You were my measure
You were a pirate's map
Of buried treasure…
A ghost of his old smile grew on his face, the painful ache dulling. He looked back at Rose's headstone, tears of sorrow, but also of joy, in his eyes. This is why the TARDIS had brought him here. To confess it so he could see Rose's purpose in those comforting eyes. So he could move on, rejoicing for the life she had lead, glad to know he was good enough to be her friend. So he could get back to his purpose of fixing the universe problems and saving people's lives. So he could simply get on with life and say
"Yes, I loved her."
If this was all correct
The last thing I'd expect
The prosecution rests
It's time that I confessed
I must have loved you
I must have loved you.
A/N: I love reviewers and live for constructive criticism!