Memories of the Moonlight
Final Fantasy VII – Dirge of Cerberus
I will wander 'til the end of time, torn away from you
I turned in my bed; not restlessly, as it may seem, but more out of the attempt to snuggle closer into the warmth that I felt beside me. The beautiful moonlight washed into the room through the open window on the other end of the room from the bed where we lay. I had been so cold so far, but now, that was gone. The warm embrace I was in almost seemed to bring the warm touch of a midsummer night to me in the middle of this wintry night.
Obsidian locks lay tangled with my own dull brown tresses. I had received plenty of compliments for my hair, but to me, they seemed dull in comparison to the sheen of those dark tresses shining in the moonlight.
Arms encircled my waist, as our legs were entangled in the sheets. He was lying next to me peacefully; no sign of discomfort even though he was fully dressed in his red coat. Even his bandana was in place; I noticed when I pushed his long bangs away from his face.
I wished we could stay this way forever, in each other's embrace. Forgetting everything about the world. Everything about other people. All wars, all troubles, all responsibilities. We simply wouldn't care about anything but each other.
"Vincent…" I whispered.
I expected him to open his eyes and say my name…
Only once, and I wouldn't mind any sorrow. I wouldn't mind him never looking at me again. I wouldn't mind everything I've never had. But all I want now is to hear my name from those lips, even if for just this once.
But when that burning crimson gaze locked itself with mine, and those lips parted to voice one word, one name, I felt my heart shrink…almost get squeezed till there was nothing left of it. All these years I'd been with him, all the feelings I've ever had, everything I'd ever done, and given up for him, yet…
That one name he couldn't forget. That one person he couldn't erase from his memories…
He softly whispered only one thing, only one name…
"Lucrecia…"
The tears couldn't be stopped even if I shut my eyes tight.
I pulled away to face the pain
I close my eyes and drift away
Over the fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
Tear-filled eyes open to the isolation of my bed as I try to bring myself to reality. Those tears…they have been staining these eyes for years now.
The dream I often have…is the one I had been seeing right now. Oh, how I wish I could forget everything about it, about him, and move on with my life! But this dream keeps coming back to me, over and over again, to haunt me. To torment me and remind me that the one thing I've always wanted will never be mine.
It's as if my own conscience shows me these dreams over my heart, just to bring more and more pain; to watch me roam desperately in this forest of despair I have grown inside of me until my legs give out and I cannot run any further.
Lucrecia, I know, had been his fiancée. Her death had been quite something for Vincent to deal with. And the way he has sealed his heart, his emotions, his feelings, away from everyone's reach, was a proof of it.
But why?!
Why does he not see how it hurts me? Why can he not figure out that he is killing me on the inside?
Vincent knows about the way I feel, and that's what makes me even more miserable. He knows all about how I feel, yet I do not have an inkling about his thoughts and feelings.
He remains passive around me as he does around everyone. Which frustrates me to no end.
Am I not worth more to him than anyone else? Do my feelings, the feelings I've mourned and grieved over for all these years, mean nothing to him? Does he simply not find it worth regarding?
That monotonous expression cannot be penetrated. No matter how hard I tired, I was never able to break through it. Altogether, it is still hard for me to tell how he feels about me.
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Torn away from you.
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold
(Over my heart).
I don't know why I still mourn my feelings for him. It's pointless, and I have somehow realized it.
I sit up on the bed. It isn't warm at all…
The chill of the winter on my sheets probably made it seem even emptier than usual; a feel of unuse and hollowness filling it.
Every time he looks at me, I feel this warm feeling come up inside my heart. Even if he does not mean anything more than just a simple glance he might give to almost anyone, the fact that he regards me and knows of my existence is enough. I fear he will never even remember me.
But of course, he knows me. And he also knows of all the sacrifices I made to stay with him. Not fearing his absurd life story, not caring that I would probably die if I tagged along with him.
Not only was his uncaring attitude towards my feelings the only problem. We have a wall of differences between us.
He is strong, with agility and strength that made him one of the greatest fighters. His skill with weapons is amazing…the way he deals with Cerberus, or any other gun. I am weak. I can't even fire Cerberus, and all I can use is my light-weight, not-very-efficient sword. I can't run fast enough and neither am I physically fit. I am too skinny for durability.
He is emotionless, expressionless. Keeping his emotions bottled up, opening them for his one and only love. His love forever, possibly. I am too easily touched. I can never turn to stone. Every simple tragic moment, every bit of happiness would have my emotions pouring out.
He himself said it on the battlefield, when I had gotten myself gravely injured. Injured because I had mercy on an enemy begging for mercy. The man had managed to shoot my right leg, and slash a part of my left arm.
I speak of it like it happened ages ago. Well, to me, it seems like ages.
It happened just yesterday…the main reason why I am lying here now.
"You carry your emotions on your sleeve. If you cannot find it in your heart to eliminate an enemy just because he is begging for mercy, you shall turn away and then find him rising just to stab your back and kill you." He said. "Take the searing pain as a learning experience."
'He was begging for his life, Vincent." I countered, bleeding profusely from my arm. He disregarded the injury.
"I would never have done what you did, for I do not have mercy on enemies who vainly revolt against us, and upon defeat, resort to begging. Where is your pride for revolt now?" he turned away. 'For if your positions were reversed, he would surely not have mercy on you. Which you can see for yourself."
"I saw true desperation in his eyes!" I said.
"Emotions that these people control to gain sympathy. Never trust what you see, for this world is all a drama."
"So would you say that if I ask you for help now, I would be lying to get you back for those bitter words?" I yelled. He turned to face me again. "Even though I am not even in the state to lie?"
He was silent for a while. The screams and yells of people were not even significant to me anymore. It seemed to grow deathly quiet, as if Vincent's searing words of criticism was all that had been ringing through my ears.
"Yes, I would. If you were my enemy-" he touched the barrel of Cerberus to my forehead. "-I would have killed you on the spot."
I was shivering in fear in agony. A nearly suppressed sob could be heard from me. I hate this guy.
I have found a reason to hate him. He is a heartless monster who would kill a helpless person like me. He doesn't care for me, whether friend or foe, weak or strong.
"However…" he tucked Cerberus away into the holster, kneeling down to my level. "You are not an enemy, and I know you enough to tell from your eyes that you are in much pain."
I was shocked, and all I could do was gape like a fish. What the hell was he thinking?
He took of his red cape and swung it around my shoulders. Then, turning, he offered me his back.
"Grab hold of my shoulders with your uninjured arm, and don't let go. We have to get you to the paramedics."
And he started walking, with me hauled on uncomfortably onto his back.
"Bear in mind that I shall not be helping you should you fall victim to your stupid, untimely emotions again. You have to be more responsible…"
I lay my head against his, and just wished that this moment would last forever, just me and him. His smooth, black hair tickled my chin and the surprisingly sweet smell of it mingled with the musky scent of his skin.
Even though he was scolding me, it showed that he cared to at least let me know of my mistakes so that I wouldn't be injured like this again. Which meant…
He cared enough to scold me for being irresponsible.
His incessant complaining about how stupid and careless I was, and how foolish it was to stay with him with a dim-wit like mine, fell to deaf years, when the blood loss pulled me under.
When I woke up at the paramedics' the next day, I had no idea where he went.
I can't go on living this way
But I can't go back the way I came
Chained to this fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
I hate my life. I hate the fact that I have to live a life filled with sorrow and heart-break.
There have been two turning points in my life: each bringing twice fold sorrow.
The first was when my parents died. It was a murder, but we never knew who was responsible. The few years that followed…how we managed to survive, we don't know. My sister and I lived in our old house for two years before finally deciding that we would have to fend for ourselves.
The second came after that. I set out on my own, and through my travels, I met Vincent. At the beginning, it was a lifting sensation…the feeling of falling in love for the first time.
But as I got to know him better and got to know of his life story, thanks to Cloud and Yuffie, who gladly took me in when they met me, it grew worse. In fact, I had grown more familiar with them, even though I know them for less than half the time I have been with Vincent.
He never let me in on his secrets. He just realized that I had fallen in love with him. He termed it to be 'painfully obvious'. He said he could see it in my eyes. But why was he so unfeeling towards it?
I guessed I would never know.
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Half alive without you
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us
I reach for my bag, which lay next to me. It contains all my handy things: stuff I carry on the battlefield and on journeys.
The first thing my fingers touch in it was a paper-thin object with a smooth surface. I pull it out.
The picture I had found ages ago.
It showed Vincent and Lucrecia, from their days at the research centre.
I smile sorrowfully at the girl. Her story was sad..it broke my heart when I first heard about it. She seemed very nice, as well as beautiful. I guess, since Vincent fell for her, that she was very different from me and probably much more accomplished and sensible.
"Lucrecia…"
I touch her on the picture.
"…you were very special to Vincent, you know that?"
She looks up at me, unblinking.
"I just have on one thing to ask."
No answer, but the picture seemed to motion me…to ask my question.
"Can you just let me have Vincent now that you're gone? If you don't and he keeps ignoring me, I'll be seeing you soon enough. In the underworld. And I'll have a bone to pick with you, 'cause it technically makes you my murderer."
Silence.
I laugh. The agonizing sound of my sobs mixed into it, echo throughout the empty room.
Change - open your eyes to the light
I denied it all so long, oh so long
Say goodbye, goodbye
I haul myself up from the bed with some difficulty. My leg is still not in the condition to move efficiently, and the heavy plaster restricted my movement.
I think I feel better now that I feel the moonlight wash over me. I look up at the beautiful silver isc in the sky; shining over everyone.
To some, it is happiness. Its peaceful, shimmering glow on a night like this brought a fraction of the sun's warmth down to earth, it seems. Lovers sit out on their roofs, just enjoying the pale lunar light. Singles search for a reason to believe that they will find true love, in the pale face of the moon.
To others, it is hope. The ray of light in the darkest night. I remember my sister wipe away her tears just by looking up at the moon and telling me that there is still hope. Hope for life to get better for her, even after our parents died and she was left to take care of us both.
To others, it brings back memories. Memories of a time that they lived and enjoyed. Come to think of it, it reminds me of all the fun we've had when mother and father were alive…just running in the meadows under the moonlight. My mother would sit and cheer us on as we played tag with father. A time when my sister used to laugh.
Now, we had both forgotten how to laugh.
And, to me…the moonlight is nothing but despair.
The smiling face to others, seemed like a sad one to me. The shimmering low seemed dismal and mournful to me. It reminds me of Vincent. It reminds me of the things I will never get.
The moon looks gloomy to me, and the light probably made my face shine because of all the tear tracks on it.
I once remember my mother saying that my face used to shine with happiness, and moonlight falling on it made it even more radiant.
"Oh, mom." I sighed. "If only you could see me now…"
My heart is broken
Release me, I can't hold on
Deliver us
As I sit reminiscing about all the memories I have of Vincent, I hear footsteps. I would have recognized those footsteps anywhere.
I didn't turn around when I called his name.
"Vincent?" I say in monotone. "I thought you had left."
"I'm a man of my word," he answers in a deep voice. 'I said I'd see you get better."
"I never heard you say it." I say, as I look up at the moon.
"I know." I hear him walk closer. "You had passed out by then."
"You wouldn't be breaking a promise if the person you made a promise with didn't even hear about it, you know?"
I think I felt a shock go through my entire body when he touches my shoulders silently with his hands, looking up at the sky.
"The moon…" he looks up at it with tired eyes. "It's so beautiful, yet sad."
"Was it a moonlit night?" I suddenly ask.
Even Vincent was taken aback.
"What?"
"When Lucrecia died." I state simply. "Is that why it is sad?"
"…no." He whispers silently.
"Then?"
"It's just that…"
Is it because you can see me crying under the moon? Please, tell me that it is the reason why you call the moon sad.
"…that it brings back many memories."
"Such as?" I know by now that I am just searching for more heart-break.
"Memories I cherished with the one person I always loved."
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us
'And may I ask why you are crying?" he asks in monotone as he sits beside me.
"The same reason as you." I say as I laugh lightly. "Memories coming back."
"The moonlight truly takes all people down memory lane."
"True indeed.' I silently lower my head.
"But those tears…" he touches my head gently.
I look up instantaneously.
"…those are tears for someone you love. You remembering someone like that?" His glare…the red eyes scrutinize me carefully. Trying to find out whether they still show the feelings I had for him.
I smile.
The smile does not reach my tear-glazed eyes.
A smile that should belong to the peaceful person who does not care about anything because they have lost everything. So, they just realize there's nothing left to lose.
"How right you are."
I just look at him, sitting here right next to me, so calm and somehow different. And I realize that this is all I need.
I want this moment to last forever. Just me and him, not talking, but simply sitting, feeling each other's presence.
Vincent looks away and stares back at the moon.
"Lucrecia."
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold
Yes.
I want this moment to last forever.
Lucrecia may have his heart, and even his mind.
But I have Vincent with me. He's still sitting beside me, and no one can change that he stayed to watch over me.
He may not me mine. But for now, I'll pretend he is.
I'll pretend that we are not sad and grieving on the inside. I'll ignore that we are both broken-hearted, lost-soulled people who never found peace of mind.
I'll just pretend we are two silent people, reminiscing in the pale moonlight.
I'll pretend that we were two silent people who secretly love each other, but are too afraid to tell.
Yes.
Pretending is the best option for me.