Hey guys. This is going to be a pretty…different story from what I've written before. I know I can handle it though because I am taking it from a personal point of view. It's taken me a year to be able to admit that I did these things and this is the best way for me to do it. I'm not looking for pity or attention I'm just stating it so I don't get bitched at for this story not being realistic. It will be realistic trust me I've lived it. Anyway major trigger warning. If your newly recovering it's best not to read this because it might set you off.
The slam against cold, harsh metal was worse then normal today and Kurt found it hard to even want to get up. The hadn't treated him very kindly and this was just the icing on the cake. He bit his lip to keep from losing it right then and there and instead found himself pushing off the floor and brushing off the invisible dust that had settled. He took off quickly to a bathroom, the need of control becoming to much to bear. He darted into a stall, avoiding any eyes that followed, and slammed the door shut, locking it instantly. He slid down the door and buried his face in his hands. Why did he have to be treated like this…it wasn't like he'd ever done anything to them. It was out of his control. That thought was what made the decision for him. There was one thing he could control. He whipped open the forgotten satchel and rooted around in it for a few agonizing seconds before pulling out a small, black change purse. He opened it and pulled out what he'd been craving since that first slushy had hit him that morning. The blade was thin and shiny, brand new looking almost. He sighed with relief of having that small silver object staring back at him. He pulled up his left sleeve slowly, careful to make sure it wouldn't fall back down. He was not going to have a shirt ruined with blood. He played with the blade for a few minutes, trailing small circles with the dull end before pressing the sharp corner to his wrist. The small poke was all he needed to push him farther, dragging it across pale skin. He winced slightly but the adrenaline was far worth it. He didn't stop until a thin line of crimson appeared, beading in areas. He continued this little dance until 5 fresh lines donned his skin. He watched it drip down his arm for a few minutes before ripping a wad of toilet paper from it roll and draping it over the lines. He watched as they bled through the white paper, sticking to his skin. He then placed a second wad over top and pulled down his sleeve, promising to properly wash them once he got home. He stood and let out a quivering breath before pulling on his façade and unlocking the stall door. Leaving with his normal 'bitch' face on he knew no one would ever notice the difference.
That night he cleaned his wounds and made sure to disinfect them and cover the with the needed makeup. When he was satisfied he left his room, grabbing his bag along the way and set off to his boyfriends house. He relaxed just thinking about Blaine because he was the only person who made him feel even remotely better. He arrived at his house in record time and knocked shyly on the front door, as he always did even though he'd been told he was welcome to come in. He was greeted with a kiss from the curly headed boy and his troubles faded away for the moment. All there was, was him and Blaine. When both pulled away he smiled at Blaine and let himself be pulled into the house.
"So what do you want to do? We've got the place to ourselves tonight.", Blaine informed him. Kurt gripped the front of his shirt and pulled Blaine close until their lips crashed together, no light sweetness, just lust-filled passion.
"I've got a couple ideas.", he replied against Blaine's lips. Blaine nodded and before long both found themselves in Blaine's room. Kurt sat on the edge of his bed beckoned him seductively. Blaine attacked him and began ravishing his neck, leaving purple bruises.
"Might want to be more careful with our hickey placement next time.", Kurt offered as Blaine pulled off and smirked at him.
"I don't care who sees it….everyone knows your mine", Blaine growled protectively. Inside Kurt pretty much exploded because here was this extremely attractive guy, who not only loved him to pieces but never wanted to let anyone have him.
"Too many clothes", Kurt moaned and reached for the bottom of Blaine's shirt, lifting it over his head with some help by Blaine.
"Let me return the favor.", Blaine demanded and did the same with Kurt's sweater. Kurt laid back on the bed with Blaine on top of him.
"Hi.", he giggled because Blaine was looking at him like they were meeting for the first time.
"Hey.", Blaine replied before grabbing Kurt's wrist and pushing it on the bed. He then slammed their mouths together in a fit of passion. All the while Blaine was tentatively stroking his wrist, unbeknownst to Kurt, and unintentionally aggravating the newly formed scars that laid underneath the concealer that was lying for Kurt. Suddenly Kurt hissed and retracted his arm from Blaine reach and rubbing at it. Blaine sat up immediately.
"What is it? Did I hurt you?", he apprehensively. Kurt shook his head then stared wide eyed at the red slits that were now uncovered for the world to see.
"No just…rubbed my skin a little to hard.", he told him. Blaine's face held a sorry look and without Kurt permission he took his arm and began peppering his wrist with oft kisses.
"I'm sorry baby.", he said before Kurt pulled away again, hiding his arm from view. When Blaine scooted closer he inched back farther on the bed. Blaine looked utterly devastated that he'd hurt Kurt bad enough for him not to want to be near him.
"Kurt I'm sorry….I won't hurt you.", he promised as he reached out to touch him.
"Stop!", Kurt shrieked and a startled Blaine pulled back. Kurt saw the tears forming and felt like a total asshole for making Blaine cry.
"I- you ….I'm sorry.", Kurt apologized before standing up and reaching for his shirt.
"Just tell me what I did.", Blaine insisted.
"Blaine you didn't do anything wrong…", he offered and made a move to pull his shit on but was halted when Blaine pulled him into a hug. The boy wrapped his arms around Kurt, pushing his head into his shoulders.
"Whatever I did I'm sorry….please don't have to leave..", he begged.
"We don't have to do anything…we can just watch movies or something." Kurt sighed but nodded into his embrace.
"Alright." Blaine let him go then shot a look at his arm.
"Will you let me see?", he asked referring to the idea that Kurt was hurt.
"You don't have to, I'm fine ….really", he added when Blaine looked at him disbelieving.
"I just want to make sure ok?", Blaine insisted reaching for him arm. When Kurt couldn't pull away quick enough he closed him eyes tight, hoping to block out the screams of disgust that would surly follow. When nothing but a soft gasp came, tears slid down his cheeks but he still refused to open his eyes, knowing that when he did Blaine would be gone. Strong arms enveloped him and he was unsure why Blaine hadn't just told him to leave yet because surly he didn't want a damaged boyfriend.
"Oh Kurt.", was the only he heard before he broke away from the safe haven that was Blaine's hug.
"No…just no.", he before quickly running from the room with nothing but his shirt. He managed to somehow pull on his shirt as he ran and when Blaine grabbed him from behind he lost it.
"Kurt stop!", Blaine demanded as he wiggled to get away from him.
"Let me go!", he cried when he found he could not escape from Blaine. When nothing happed he let himself fall still, no sounds except for their heavy breathing.
"Just let me leave…can't you at least let me go without telling me how much I disgust you.", Kurt sneered. Blaine almost sobbed at the fact that Kurt though he hated him.
"Kurt you do not disgust me….I love you and you know it."
"Used to love me…", Kurt countered.
"No…I still love you….and I always will….now let me help you.", he pleaded.
"I don't need help.", Kurt said.
"Yes you do baby….you shouldn't hurt yourself.", Blaine replied softy, grabbing Kurt's hand in his. Kurt didn't he care enough to pull his hand away, and let it be caressed.
"Why are doing this…..I know you can't possibly still want me…", Kurt said, turning to face him.
"I do though, Kurt you are the best thing that's ever happened to me….why would I let that go?", he asked.
"Because I'm a freak.", he replied, openly letting the tears flow and dropping the bitchy attitude he put up whenever he felt threatened. Blaine laid his hand across Kurt's face, sing his thumb to wipe the tears away.
"No you are not….your hurting and you need help, that doesn't make you a freak or unwanted or unloved.", Blaine told him sincerely. He was more than happy to catch Kurt when he flung himself into his arms and began sobbing. He held Kurt while his body quivered with his cries.
"I'm sorry I'm so sorry.", he cried into Blaine's chest. He petted Kurt's head and shushed him.
"You have nothing to be sorry for baby not a thing."