Author's Note: A little piece of Caskett-somehow-AU, set before Rick found out, that Kate remembers... I've never written for Castle before, I've written this before I watched Always(still recovering from that episode...*.*) and it was 4am when I wrote it - so please be gentle :P Thanks a lot to the wonderful MarieStarbuck for being there in the process and beta'ing. I'm always open for reviews/advice/suggestions & I have no idea if this is finished or not... Enjoy!
His finger trailed a line on her body - she hasn't felt this electrified in weeks - for every centimeter his finger moved downwards, she felt her body spinning from her control. The abrupt stop of movement when he reached her hipbones made her startle for a second.
"Rick, don't…," she was interrupted by his lips meeting hers, demanding, yet sensible, he was longing for more. She nibbed on his lower lip just to make him go crazy with desperation for sheer want of her lips. Her tongue playing with his - their bodies colliding at the slightest touch. When she broke the connection of their lips, he looked into her dark green shimmering eyes and knew, that despite all his need, he wanted more - more than this, more than just these casual dates of pure lust and excitement, he wanted her to be with him.
"Kate, I…," his eyes changed from aroused and full of need to something she couldn't quite figure out.
"What is it?" she whispered, her voice still filled with the heat from the previous moments.
"Tell me, Rick, or I'll make you," but her seducing tone had only minimal effect on him, which was odd, since she could normally wrap him around her finger in an instant.
"I… this isn't it. I mean it's my dreams come true, that's for sure, but… it's not enough."
"What? What the hell do you mean - it's not enough? I thought we were clear on…"
"I know, I know, I just… I can't Kate, I can't just pretend that our little encounters, as much fun as they are, are enough. I know we set rules, because you probably knew that this would happen to me. But I want you completely, not just for your amazing body and everything you do with it."
"Everything I do with it, huh?"
"Kate…!" the whininess in his voice made her stop teasing and get serious herself.
"Rick, I can't, you know I can't…"
"Why?"
"What do you mean 'why'? You know why."
"Do I - the hell I know, Kate. The only thing I really know is that you told me there's a wall somewhere and that you need time. And then a month ago you just knocked on my door with a bottle of vodka and well… we both know how that ended."
"I… Rick, you…"
"Yeah, I know, I didn't really do anything to stop you, why should I at that point? I was convinced I could turn it off and let it be just sex." Realising that he was still basically on top of her, he rolled to his side and sat up.
"I tried Kate, I really tried to just have fun okay? I just…"
"The heart wants what the heart wants… that's what you said." Kate answered and sat up next to him, bringing her hand up to make him look at her.
"I'm an idiot…"
"No Kate, you're not, how should you have known?"
"I… not that… I just wanted to be close. Ignore all the stuff standing in our way. I just wanted simple. It's stupid." He answered her with a puzzled look, not knowing exactly what she was on about. She sighed, "I wanted to be close to you, without waiting to be ready for more. More of the complicated stuff, my life is so complicated anyway and I wanted this to be simple. That night… I shouldn't have come, I know how you felt, still I was so selfish to… Rick?"
"What do you mean you know how I felt?" His face froze in an instant - had she really just said that, how would she know that he… "You…?"
A tear ran down Kate's cheek, going unnoticed by its owner, but not by its opponent.
"Rick, I… it was too much."
"It was too much? Kate, you were dying. Right there, lying in my arms, dying. I needed you to know. I needed you to know that I'd be there to wake up to. I needed you to have a reason to stay."
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you so much. I just didn't know how to…"
"Deal with it? Why on earth would you not tell me Kate?" More frustration and hurt swinging in his voice than anger. "We would've figured something out - why do you always have to do everything on your own?"
"What exactly, Rick? What would you've figured out? How to live with the knowledge that the woman you love can't be there for you in a relationship, because she has so many issues to cope with. That she can barely handle everyday life? It wouldn't have been fair."
"This wasn't fair either. And why would you even start this?"
"Because coping with not having you at all was even more unbearable than coping with all the stuff in my life while you were hovering over me. I needed you."
"For what? Relaxing? Letting off steam when you didn't get to chase killers at the precinct? I know we said 'no talking about personal stuff while doing it, ...this' but…"
"Because I love you, you idiot." She said, struggling to fight a grin, looking at his dumbstruck face.
"You… but I thought… you set the rules and…"
"Yes, I set the rules. I set the rules so this wouldn't happen. This is complicated. I can't handle complicated, Rick. I can't…"
But whatever she was trying to say was interrupted by a kiss. A kiss that felt so different from everything they had before. It felt real. No rush. No need to get further in the proceedings of the evening. No sense of meaningless. This meant something - she just couldn't put a finger on what this was supposed to be. Even though her eyes were shut, she felt like blacking out. The moment she realised that she was blacking out for real, it was already too late to somehow warn Rick that she needed a glass of water right that second. Her movements stopped and she sank down to bed - leaving Rick confused, worried and totally panicking.
"Kate? Kate! God, Kate - what the?" He was fiddling for his phone to call 911 when she opened her eyes.
"Rick?" she whispered, barely making a sound.
"Oh god Kate, what…"
"Water, just get me water"
"I… what…"
"Rick."
"Just… stay," she let a small smile creep on her face. She wouldn't go anywhere. He got up to get her a glass of water and when he returned, Kate sat against the head board.
"Here." He reached over to her, giving her the glass.
"You're shaking…"
"Yeah well, you scared the hell out of me. Are you okay?" His worry for her filling the room. She just nodded silently. "Kate…"
"It's okay. I'll live." regretting her words the moment they were out of her mouth - her eyes staring into his. "Sorry. I didn't wanna scare you. I just… my blood pressure is low and I…"
"And you didn't drink or eat anything today? But this never happened before… this is new."
"It isn't, I just learned to hide it."
"You learned to hide - this? But why?"
"Because it was just another weakness. Just another thing standing in our way."
"A complication." She nodded at his words, not looking at him directly because she couldn't face whatever was going on in her partner's mind right now. Feeling the soft touch of his hand under her chin made her shut her eyes. She opened them to look into two pools of bright blue.
"I'm just worried. And you're not weak, Kate. Not at all."
"Feels like it."
"But you aren't. You are the strongest person I know and you're the woman I love." At these four words, she started to feel the warmth creeping up in her again.
"Sorry…"
"For…?"
"Freaking you out. And for being stupid with all of this. For being too selfish to realise that I wasn't the only one struggling her way through"
"You know that now. And I know that now too. But Kate…?"
"Hmmm?"
"What now?"