Breathe in, breathe out.
Her lungs worked painfully slow, as if the usual daily task of breathing had just become too much for her body to handle, with everything else pelting her from all sides. There was so much death, she felt as though she reeked of it, that the smell lingered around her, claiming her as its own.
Breathe in,
She curled up in a little ball, slender arms wrapping around her knees, trying to make herself smaller, invisible. As if she would be able to escape the pain that way.
breathe out.
Her eyes stung from holding back tears for so long that she couldn't bare to keep her eyes open any more. Even now, as she struggled to keep down the lump in her throat, to stop the trembling in her lips, she thought of all those she lost, as if she wasn't already fighting a loosing battle with her emotions.
Breathe in,
She kept this breath in until her lungs burned from the lack of new oxygen, and she pondered on how it almost felt good, to feel something other than this pain that refused to go away.
breathe out.
She deflated like a balloon as this breath left her body, and she tried to curl into an even smaller ball. Her head started to ache, and she couldn't keep herself from the pain anymore, so she flung herself into it, letting the tears leak from her eyes, though keeping her mouth closed as to ensure no one heard her.
She had to be strong, because she wasn't sure anyone else could be.
Breathe in,
This breath in hurt even more than the last, even though it was just entering her body. More than anything she wanted to just disappear, then and there, as long as it meant she would stop hurting so much. But she had to stay. She had to fight. Didn't she?
breathe out.
She didn't want to carry this burden. It was bigger than her, no matter how many people tried to take little chunks from it. It was huge, growing into this massive weight she constantly felt on her shoulders, her heart. And it was swallowing her, chipping away at what was left in her little, messed up world. And she hated it. There was no silver lining. Just guilt and loneliness and grief, everywhere she went.
Breathe in,
And now the bed was shaking with her sobs, but not one sound had come out of her mouth, because she couldn't do this to anyone, show them how broken she had become. Not Jeremy. Not Alaric. Not Bonnie. Not Caroline. Not even Damon, who she was certain would take everything from her if she just asked. It felt like even though it was killing her, she must keep it to herself. Hide it away, where no one could see it. So she could show them her fake hope and just pray that it's enough to help them carry on with their own lives and problems and losses.
Breathe out.
The place on the sheets where her head and been sitting was now uncomfortably wet, so she crawled off the bed on to the floor, an arm around her middle as if her guts would fall out and stain the carpet. She just sort of tumbled off of the bed, after unsuccessfully trying to stand up. She didn't have the energy. She spent it all on faking smiles and hope.
Breathe in,
And now her breaths were coming in what could be more accurately described as gasps. She was burning on the inside, everything in her catching on fire and just going up in flames, leaving nothing left, and she tried to use the air to douse those wicked flames, but it only fueled the fire and burnt more of her.
Breathe out.
Now, clutching at the ground, face buried in the carpet as if it would muffle her tiny screams and pitiful hiccups, she understood that this would never go away. Something had been stolen from her, a piece that could not be replaced by anything, ever. And she would have to learn how live around it, to block it out and keep it from everyone she loved – or everyone who was left, anyway.
Breathe in,
She started to gather this pain inside of her once again, breathing it back into her heart, though it killed her a little bit more as she did so. She had to collect herself, keep up this facade she put up. They couldn't loose her too. She couldn't willingly make them take on any more grief, to crumble like she was doing now. She couldn't even stand the thought, so she pulled it in more forcefully, shoving herself full of that empty feeling that was only dispelled by the times where she was alone, where she could cry like that, let it all out and then have to put it all back once more.
Breathe out.
The tears finally stopped, though her eyes still stung slightly. Her stomach hurt from all of her sobbing, but she would just have to ignore it. For everyone else.
Breathe in,
Standing up, she looked at herself in the mirror, not at all surprised at the dead look that could be found in her eyes. She just hoped no one else would be able to spot it.
Breathe out.
As soon as her eyes weren't red anymore and she'd fixed her make-up, she went downstairs, one of the most painful smiles plastered on to her lips. She'd fake it. For them. For everyone she lost, disappointed, and the people that still counted on her.
Because there was no other option.
Because she was the only one who should.
Breathe in, breathe out,
and live your life like nothing is wrong.
Author's Note: So, I've been gone for quite a while... I had this one laying around, wanted to get it up before I forgot about it completely. Hopefully I'll writing some more once the summer rolls around. But for now, I hope you enjoyed!