Author's Note: This is going to take a bit of explaining. So on a roleplaying site called "Mayfield Academy" I play Grant Mitchell, Grady's brother. And I have journal as Grant on the site where I (he) discusses the important things in his life. This story is a play on that journal. How things are written here are how they're written in the journal. Yeah...so... Anyway, this is all for fun. :)

I would like to dedicate this story to the Mayfielders, everybody on the SWAC forum because I'm honestly honored that they voted me "Best Author", "Most Likely to Succeed" and "Best Lurker" (XD) on the site. Thank you so much guys! I love you all! Seriously. This ones for you guys because I know you all know my love for Grant. He's tied (with Chad) for my favorite character in the show.

Please enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Sonny With a Chance related.

What up, peeps?

It's Grant "Da Man" Mitchell here for an exciting little thing I like to call "A Ladies Man's Guide to Picking Up Chicks". Or, if you prefer, you can call it "Grant "Da Man" Mitchell's Guide to Being Quite Possibly the Single Most Sexy, Attractive, and All-Round Best Guy on the Face of the Planet", whateva rolls off the tongue easier.

DELTA NU!

So, anyway, I, The G-Man, am here today to explain the techniques of gettin' the ladies to come crawling. And by "crawling", I mean, this is how to get them ladies to beg for some sweet mercy. They won't know what hit 'em after you pull these tricks off. I'm talking BOW CHICKA WOW WOW!

I'm gonna show you all examples of how dudes that fail at hitting off with the ladies do it and then follow up with how this man – Ulysses S. GRANT – does it.

I just wanna make a little disclaimer before we begin, all my homeboys mentioned in this guide do actually act like this. I make nuthin' up. This is ALLLLLL REAL… You know why it's all real? 'Cause I'm "Da Bomb" and I don't lie.

(Though, I will admit, certain parts are slightly made-up/paraphrased…but only slightly.)

This guide will touch on the following crucial subjects:

1. Ladies

2. Chicks

3. Girls

4. Babes

5. Women

6. Females

7. Giraffes

8. Par-TAYS

9. Shorty-shorts

10. MORE CHICKS!

So basically it covers the basics on everything a dude's gotta know.

Part I

Now, let's begin.

Part one will deal with the topic of the two important –ays in every dude's life. Par-tAYS and laydAYS.

Yeah, I know I spelled parties and ladies wrong, but dat's the way it's gonna be, so deal wit it. Those are the sexy ways to write those words. And if you haven't already noticed, The G-Man is about as sexy as they get, so I'm gonna write 'em the sexy way.

So anyway, home skillet biscuitz, the two important –ays are not to be taken lightly. See par-tays can potentially lead to lay-days.

Let's take a look at my pal – What's his name? – Chance, Char, Cherry, Chaddy – That blond guy that's always around that FINE grottie, Sonny (or was it Sonia…or Sarah…Nancy?). The one I'm not related to… I think his name is Cherry.

Whatevas, I'm totes hotter than him, so I'm gonna call him Cherry.

So this one time Cherry's at a party (My pal, Cher, only goes to parties, he's not cool enough for par-TAYS! Those are only for babe magnets such as myself. Word.). And he's gettin' down with his somewhat bad self, doing what he does, when this totally FINE babe walks over to him.

And he's all, "Hey, Imma try to be sexy."

And she's all, "Nah, you not sexy at all. Only that vision of a Greek god over there is a sexy man-child."

And of course that chick is checking me out now and I'm all like, "You want it."

So, then Cherry's all like, "What? You think he's sexy than this?"

And she's all, "Yeah."

I wanna stop us right there. See, a trick to the ladies is don't act like you're trying too hard to make 'em think you're the sexiest man that eva lived. As shown with Cherry, he was radiating, "Look at me and my sexiness." While I was all like, "I am sexy," and, as you can probably tell, everybody delta nu it.

Soon enough, my bud, Cherry, struck out. I got the girl and it became a par-TAY! DELTA NU!

In conclusion, don't try too hard. Ladies don't like it.

Part II

Ready for part two, homies?

Better be.

'Cause here it is.

Now part two deals with another crucial thing to getting the ladies. Having something in common with 'em.

I know from experiences that, apparently, chicks dig guys that have something to talk about with them. I mean, always thought being allowed to look at this heavenly body waz enough for 'em. Now they wanna communicate and say something. Confusing, I know.

But whatevas. So because chicks dig guys that are "conversationalists", it's important that The G-Man tell ya about how to pretend you know what a girl wants to hear. Because we all know, we men don't have a clue why these ladies expect so much from us.

Let's take a lookie at my bud – Wait, I know this one….he's my bro's wingman… Nikki, Nara, Neo, Allan… Yeah, I don't watch my lil bro's show and I barely know who's on it. So I guess we're gonna call him Nikki because I think that's right. But, again, whatevas, I'm so much more sexy.

So anyway, Nikki is down in the cafe (Did you know that if you call a "cafeteria" a "café," people (mostly females) think you're all sophisticated and smart? 'Cause if you tell 'em, "I'm goin' to the cafeteria." They get all, "Ewww…he's poor and can only eat at the cafeteria. He's not a café man." True story. Believe it.).

So yeah, Nikki's in the café checking out the ladies. When this hottie comes over and starts talkin' to 'em.

And he was all like, "Yeah, yeah. I know I'm hot."

And she was all, "So like do you like like rugby? 'Cause that's like totally my fav sport ever. Like for reals."

And he was all like, "Wha? Rugs? You like rugs?"

And she was all like, "No, like rugby like. It's like the best like sport eva!"

It was right at the moment that I, being the sexy pretender that I am, snuck over and was all like, "Hey, babe, you're a fine looking lady who appears to like the same thing as me. I totally love rugby. It's like my favorite –"

I had to pause for a sec, because I totally forgot what rugby was. But luckily, because I have the mind of an elephant, I remembered that rugby was some sort of sport. I like sports for the most part, so I guess I wasn't really lying to this babe. 'Cause sports involve some things that are very important to me.

Sports bras.

Shorty-shorts.

Hot athletic chicks.

And in some case, short skirts.

Yeah, it's like practically heaven's gift to me.

Christmas comes early every year when it's a hot day during track season. Let's say it together now…DELTA NU!

Back to the story…I babbled to that chick about how much loved all things rugby. I said stuff like, "Yeah, I love rugby," "It's like the sexiest sport eva," and so on and so forth. And soon enough I charmed her using one of my sexiest pick up lines ever!

I said, "Do you have a thermometer? Because you're giving me a fever, baby!"

And then WHAM! BAM! THANK YOU, MA'AM! It was a done deal.

So, if it wasn't already obvious, the way into a girl's pant's (pocket), where she keeps the keys to her car that will drive you both home, which will allow both of y'all to go into her bed(room) where you can watch her strip her clothes (racks) because they've become too full of all the clothing she's bought in the past month, is through pretending to know everything about everything.

Pretty much learn how to BS everything and you'll be golden.

Part III

Time for part tres.

This part's good. I promise.

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm da bomb, so all this right here is the bomb diggity! Word to your mothers.

Tip number three for hitting a homer with the ladies is just being sexy.

Sounds simple enough, right?

But let me tell you, looking this god-like all the time is a curse more than a gift… Okay, I'm lying again. Looking this delicious all the time is always a gift. I mean, seriously, I can't keep the ladies off me I'm so sexy.

When I walk into a room the sexy scale starts hitting levels of ultra-sexy. And at times it can be dangerous.

See every room in the world has a sexy scale. There can only be so much sexy in one room at one time. So like if there are two sexy looking people in one room and then another sexy person walks in the sexy scale rises. And if too many sexy people end up in a room together it's not good.

You might be asking why it isn't good. And I'll tell you.

'Cause if too many sexy people are in a room together then the non-sexy people start gettin' overloaded with tryin' to look at all the sexiness. And then the sexy people can't find each other to hit on one another because these not-so-sexy people keep gettin' in the way and intruding on the super sexy couple that is about to form.

It's just not cool. Trust me.

So yeah, let me give you a situation.

My bro, Gravy, was standing in front of our house in Orlando. And, you know, he was being all sheepish and shy. And I was being all cool and sexy, just standing there with my shirt off, the sun glittering on the my perfectly oiled pecks as if I were a sexy, sparkly vampire, my hair windswept and flawless, my beautiful blue eyes looking straight ahead, my hands holding a running hose as I watered the lawn…Pretty much I looked like I usually do.

I didn't look like anything special or outta the ordinary. Just the usual the god-like dude that I am.

And this total babe struts her way over.

And my first thought/word spoken aloud was "NICE!" She seemed a bit surprised by my observation, but it totally made her want me even more, so alls good in da neighbor.

So anyway, she's all, "Hola, sabe usted donde esta la convencion supermodelo?"

I don't have a clue what she said, but as soon as I heard something that sounded like "supermodel," I was like, "Here's my wife, for reals, yo! DELTA NU!"

But, you see, Gravy had this crazy idea that he was sexier than I was. So he went to her and was all like, "Word, lady. I totes got the hots for you. You wanna-"

She for seriously cut him off right there and walked over to me, sensing that I could totes BS what she wanted to hear. And plus, my sexiness was just callin' to her and she couldn't resist. I mean, could you resist if you saw all THIS standing out in the sunlight? I think not. So believe she nearly ran over to me and my hottie body.

So right there you see how being a sex god makes all the ladies want you more.

Being this sexy is hard, but someone's gotta do it.

Part IIII

So that brings us to our final part in this guide to being the single most attractive dude eva. This part will deal with the very, very important topic of determining whether or not a girl is a Hottie McHothot. And let me make this very easy for you.

EVERY FEMALE IS A HOTTIE McHOTHOT!

As long as they got boo-tAY (third most important –ay word) and are of the female persuasion; they are totes hot.

I mean I've dated millions of girls. There was Tessa (or was it Toni or Tawni…No, it was totally Tessa) from that bird studio, Sonia, the grottie (a gross hottie), Jennifer (or maybe it was Jessica….), Zara (or was it Zora…No, I was right the first time, it was Zandra), though she was a little young for me, etc… So I would know what is considered a smokin' hot babe. You're talking to a babe magnet right here, so yeah, be jealous.

I don't really think an example is necessary because I think you can already agree that every chick's a babe, but I'll give you one.

Imma in the bird studio waiting to see my bro, when this older, balding dude walks down the hall, sweating and all. He's breathing heavy and lookin' panicked for some reason.

And Imma like, "What up, OLDIE?"

And he's all like, "Oh," wipe the sweat. "You must be Grant "Da Man" Mitchell (everybody knows who am I). Gravy's brotha. Hi, Imma be Manshall Puck."

I was all like, "Yeah. IDK. I just wanna know why y'all sweaty like a pig."

He said that he just broke up wit his lay-DAY friend.

And I was all, "Ka-ching! SCORE! 'Nother babe for the Grant Man!"

And he was all like, "I dun know if ya want her. She's all like old, yo."

And I'm like, ""Da Man" Tip numba four: All chicks are the bomb diggity! Who-shaw!"

So, I like totally went down the hall and met his former babe. She had red hair and waz a teach or something. And though she kept telling me that she didn't want me, I knew she waz just tryin' to hide the cougar she was. RAWR!

In conclusion, all females are totally smokin'. No matter the age. BOW CHICKA WOW WOW!

So that concludes Grant "Da Man" Mitchell's guide to being a sexy and attractive man. I mean, most of this just comes with the territory of being one of the sexiest – Wait, scratch that. – THEE sexiest thing that eva lived, but someone's gotta be.

Just remember my four simple tips and you too can be a sexy man beast.

1. Remember the important –ay words.

2. BS everything.

3. Look sexy.

4. Every girl is a babe, for realz.

With these things in mind, you, my friend, will be about as sexy as you can be.

Peace to your mothers.

B-b-b-b-b-b-b-BOUNCIN'!

-Grant "Da Man" Mitchell

This has been a Grant Mitchell Enterprise Original in conjunction with DELTA NU Publishing. Grant "Da Man" Mitchell cannot be held responsible for any bodily harm, rejection, misinterpretations, break-ups, or pregnancy that may be a result of using his patented tips of being a ladies man. Thank you for your business.

Author's Note: Thank you for reading! :D I hope it was enjoyable!