Shipping? Dramione? Red vines? Pottermore? Oh well.
A/N: Hey, guys! This is a funny one-shot parody - a mix from the original Harry Potter series, AVPM, AVPS, Pottermore and facebook fan pages:) All of you Potterheads' favourites! Enjoy!
Warning: For mature teenagers only - the content contains a bit mild foul language. Plus the characters are out-of-character. This is a parody, they're meant to be out-of-character. Okay, guys?
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, A Very Potter Musical, A Very Potter Sequel, Pottermore, any content from all the facebook fan pages or High School Musical.
"Hey, Hermione," A voice appeared from behind and Hermione twisted her body around to see Malfoy. With his hands in his pocket and an all-knowing smirk upon his face, he swaggered his way to her.
"Ew, don't even come near me, you stupid git!" She rolled her eyes at him.
"B-but but, Hermione!" Draco looked around quickly, terrified. "You can't say those things! People ship us! Shhhh!" He hissed, leaning close to her face.
"Oh yeah, like I give a damn to what fan fiction readers think! I hate you and that's the end of the story!" Hermione retorted, and slapped him with all the might she had. "No one ships me with anyone except Ron!"
Draco collapsed onto the ground, his hand clutching to his face.
"Now that's more like it," she smiled. "Just like third year! Boy, how I missed that satisfaction!" She sighed happily.
"Owww! My father will hear about this!" Draco swore loudly and rubbed his now swollen cheek resentfully, his eyes staring at Hermione with obvious anger and humiliation.
"Hermione!" Harry's voice came around the corner and so did that of its owner. He was holding a bag of red, unknown materials. "Hey, want a red vine?"
"Hi, Harry!" Hermione said cheerfully, and walked up to him. "Um, no thanks." She stared at those long, twisted glossy red unidentified stuff and shook her head.
"What are you doing here with Malfoy?" Harry frowned in dismay. "I don't like seeing you with him alone in a corridor, you know."
"Oh, it's nothing! He was trying to please fan fiction readers by getting together with me, but you know the rules set by J.K Rowling! No one ships me with anyone other than Ron! So I gave him a piece of my mind! Ha!" Hermione answered with triumph, her eyes dancing in delight.
"Wait, what? I thought... we're all shipping Harmony." Harry said, puzzled.
"Pffftt. What the hell is Harmony? I mean, I know the word harmony but you seemed to be saying some kind of name… who is it? Some new Ravenclaw girl you've met after revealing your shameful techniques to deal with girls to Cho Chang?"
"No, it's actually…"
Hermione cut him off rudely. "You should be with Ginny and not some Ravenclaws! Oh my goodness! YOU're breaking the rules of the queen, Harry, out of all characters! How do you explain yourself?" She stabbed a finger to his chest.
"No, not Ravenclaw! Harmony is Harry plus Hermione, duh! And you call yourself the brightest witch of your age! Pfffft!" Harry crossed his arms.
"What? Me? And you? Eww!" Hermione clapped her hands to her throat and pretended to puke.
"What? I quite like this pairing, I must confess. You and I seem perfect together. I mean, even David Yates ship us!" Harry snapped.
"That's why the movies are no way better than the books! Made me look like a two-timer! Duh!" Hermione said angrily.
Then, Draco got up and pushed Harry aside.
"Hey! I still say we ship Dramione!" Draco argued.
"Yeah, and it's like crap plus the most wonderful thing on earth! Dramione, that is." Hermione commented with thick sarcasm.
"Well," Draco smiled genuinely. "I admit that I am honestly very dashing and handsome, what with my blond hair and white teeth. Plus I am ultra-bloody rich. Yeah, that pretty much makes me the most wonderful thing on earth. If I rate myself with the range of 1 to 10, I'd give myself a 10… because I am worth it!" He straightened his robes and stared into vacancy with a dreamy look on his face.
"Suit yourself. You're the crap part!" Harry snapped.
"Well, at least I swag!" Draco snapped back.
Then the corridor fell silent for a minute.
Harry broke the ice. "You-"
But Hermione surprisingly cut him off.
"No, Harry, he's right. Draco does swag. In fact, he swags better than you do. No, actually, you never swag, not even during movie premiers. All you do is stand like a robot and clench your jaw. That makes you look like a terminator who doesn't know how to walk." She said emotionlessly and mercilessly to Harry's astonished face.
Harry stuttered. "But-but-but… Hermione!"
"Oh no, d-d-did I just… stutter?" Harry screeched.
"Everyone knows Draco Bloody Malfoy swags better than anyone else on the planet. And he loves Zefron more than anyone else on the planet." Draco said as-a-matter-of-factly.
"No, I feel like I love Zefron the most." Hermione argued.
"Nope! Harry Potter loves Zefron more than anyone else on the planet!" Harry spluttered out loud. "Plus I do swag! I'm Harry freakin' Potter!"
"That's absurd!" A voice hissed. "10 points from Gryffindor!"
"Oh no, it's Snape!" Harry yelled. "Guys, run!"
But it was too late as Snape has already swaggered his way to them.
"I swag better than anyone else on the planet. Justin Bieber can just f*ck off! Plus, I whip my hair back and forth!" Snape snapped. "I am sexy and I know it!"
"Hey, guys! Hey, Snape!" Ron's voice came.
"Hi, Ron." said Snape cheerfully.
"Ron! Thank God you're here! These two idiots were trying to ship Dramione and Harmony! What about Romione? Duh!" Hermione rushed to Ron's side, who surprisingly pushed her away.
"Sorry, woman. I don't ship myself with someone who can't draw." Ron said, and said to Harry, "Gimme a red vine!"
There was an awful silence as everyone exchanged knowing glances with each other, except for Hermione.
"B-b-but… Ron!" Hermione shouted.
"No, Hermione, he's right. You can't draw. In fact, you can't draw even if you read a book about how to draw." Harry said, shrugging. "You really shouldn't be called the brightest witch of your age."
"B-b-but…"
"It's okay, Hermione, let's go to Pigfarts together next year and leave these stupid Gryffindors here in Hogwarts, which has really gone to the dogs." Draco offered generously.
"But I don't ship Dramione." Hermione said.
"You have to, or else no one will ever read us again. Did you know we're the most-shipped-pair in fan fictions?"
"Oh, really? Oh my God, I never knew! So I really have to work harder to convince the readers that we really are in love!" Hermione's eyes popped out of her skull.
"Yeah! Cool, right? Together we can have it all!" Draco said in glee. "Plus we're the most-shipped-pair on all the Harry Potter fan pages! Like, the most popular page is Voldemophobia, I think, but there're tons more! I 'liked' all of them in a flash. So my facebook wall's like, full of harry potter fan pictures everywhere!"
"Now that you mention it, I 'liked' a lot of pages on facebook too! I clicked 'like' all the time and my DEAR friends-" She gave Harry and Ron an angry look, "-ALWAYS complain that I washed their new feed-"
Snape interrupted loudly, "That's MY f*cking line! ALWAYS! A hundred points from Gryffindor!"
"Do not worry, Harry! A thousand points to Gryffindor!" Dumbledore appeared suddenly, wearing a colourful T-shirt that had the picture of six jumping teenagers on it.
"Why?" Draco shouted.
"Well, because Harry and I are tight!" Dumbledore said. "You have to ask?"
"But that's okay," Draco snorted. "'Cause Slytherin is SO winning the house cup on POTTERMORE!"
"Please don't tell me it's the same as your made-up space school called Pigfarts," Harry snickered.
"Dude, heck no! Potter doesn't know about Pottermore? What a joke!" Snape laughed evilly. "Oh, I love irony!"
"Really, Harry, I told you to pay attention in class!" Hermione snapped angrily.
"I DON'T take Muggle Studies, Hermione!" Harry said between clenched teeth.
"That's your problem! Pottermore is GREAT!" Hermione said, and Draco, Snape and Dumbledore nodded enthusiastically. Ron just kept on eating red vines and paid no attention to what was happening.
"Plus, just use Petrificus Totalus. It's the best spell for duelling." Draco added.
"I added you as my favourite," Hermione lowered her head and said shyly to Draco, who caught her hands in his and kissed her cheek.
"Why, honey, I added you as my favourite, too." Draco replied.
"Eww, you guys!" Harry chewed a red vine. "I still say we ship Harmony! And I thought you ship Romione, Hermione!"
"Speaking of these, what is it that I hear about this pair called Drapple?" Hermione said threateningly to Draco. "What exactly do you see in that apple? Answer me!"
"That's just a phase! It's nothing! I only used the apple to give a test to my secret plan to bring death eaters to Hogwarts-" Then he found everyone staring at him. "Uh-oh. Oh well, not that secret of a plan now, it is."
"I have suddenly gone temporarily death and could not hear a word you say," Everyone said in union.
"Phew," Draco sighed in relief.
"And what about that Slytherin called Astoria?" Hermione narrowed her eyes.
"What kind of name is that?" Harry snorted.
"She never existed anyway," Draco shrugged. "I've never ever even seen her at Hogwarts. J.K made her up at the last minute."
"Well, you-" Hermione began.
"I'll just ask J.K Rowling to get rid of her if it means that much to you, baby." Draco cut Hermione off and stared into her eyes.
"And that Pansy Cow-bitch Parkinson-" Hermione started.
"I'll make J.K kill her off, too."
"Good." Hermione smiled, satisfied.
"Anyone or anything else that you don't like, Hermione?" Harry asked sarcastically. "Kill them all off in a go!"
"No, nothing else. I want to make sure that people can only read stories about Dramione, and not all those ugly pairings." Hermione answered in triumph.
"And so now can we go to Pigfarts?" Draco asked Hermione impatiently.
"No, you can't! You can't buy out NASA!" Ron suddenly said, chewing red vines endlessly. "But you can ask Harry. After all, he is Moon-shoes Potter!" he added.
"Ron! How can you still seem okay with Dramione?" Harry said in disbelief.
"Duh! I am still under a love potion's effect so I am still in love with... well, I don't know. Just not Hermione." Ron ate another red vine. "Speaking of which, this is really your fault, according to the sixth book."
"Sheesh! Just because you're the king, you think you're the boss of everyone!" Harry bellowed.
"Yeah, pretty much! Plus I am ginger!" Ron laughed.
"Thanks, J.K. You made gingers cool and us with normal hair suck!" Harry yelled to the sky - well, in this case, he yelled to the high stone ceiling of the corridor.
"No, I think my blond hair looks just as cool. It's your personal problem, Potter! Don't blame it on J.K!" Draco said defensively.
"He's right, Harry. Maybe if you go on Pottermore, people will actually talk to you again. 'Cause you know, you're so not cool without a Pottermore account. Don't you know it's open to all now?" Hermione added. "And," she turned to Draco, "I got sorted to Slytherin."
"What?" Draco screamed. "Great! So now we can be in the same common room! You can sleep in my dorm-"
"-in your dreams." Hermione cut him off and rolled her eyes. "We're just acting, remember? We're just acting this stupid shipping thing so I can have more fans!"
"W-what do you mean by acting? After all we've been through! But it's too late! I have already fallen in love with you!" Draco yelled, shock in his eyes.
"What we've been through?" Hermione repeated and frowned. "Yeah, right! What DID we actually went through? We started this 15 minutes ago!" She said sarcastically.
"So you DIDN'T add me as your favourite on Pottermore?" Draco shouted.
"No, I DID add you as a favourite, along with, like, everyone and everything else." Hermione explained.
"So you WEREN'T sorted in Slytherin?" Draco shouted again.
"I WAS sorted in Slytherin. Big deal. I still hang out with Harry and Ron in OUR common room, though, right, guys?" Hermione asked.
"Yeah, we're the golden trio, dude. Unbreakable." Harry and Ron said together.
"B-b-but... H-Hermione!" Draco cried.
"Okay okay. To gain fame, I WILL act," She rolled her eyes.
"No, you WILL really fall in love with me. I've got a trick up my sleeve – look into my eyes." Draco whispered.
"Fine, whatever,"
Hermione looked into his eyes.
His eyes are greyish-blue... so profound, so clear, so endless! They were so... romantic and loving, with passion and desire, yet promise and loyalty. He is promising his love and his heart to me. His eyes are telling me that he loves me more than anything else on earth, and that he is begging me to return the favour. Oh! I think I'm falling in love! I think I'll faint!
And she did.
"Works every time," Draco smirked, and scooped Hermione up against his strong, muscular chest.
"Well, seeya, guys! My baby and I have to go." And he turned and walked away, with Hermione in his strong, muscular arms.
"That guy always steals the show!" Harry yelled in fury.
"Well, because this is Draco Bloody Malfoy!" Draco shouted back.
"Never worry! Ginny's here!" A high-pitched voice sang.
"Ginny? What are you doing here?" Ron said. "Racist sister!"
"Just because I'm dating Dean doesn't mean I despise white people like us, Ron!" Ginny said, rolling her eyes.
"Wait, you're dating Dean?" Harry shrieked furiously.
"Yeah, what's your problem?" Ginny frowned. "YOU never liked me, anyway, since first year!"
"Yeah, but now that Hermione's taken by Malfoy, and Cho's not liked by fan fiction readers at all, I really need you now!" Harry knelt down to Ginny.
"Duh! NOW you're begging me! Why didn't you do that when we were in the Chamber of Secrets? I thought the setting was perfect!"
"We were like, twelve and eleven at that time! And what do you mean by 'the setting was perfect'? Did you set that up?" Harry said suspiciously.
"No, I didn't!"
"Liar!" Harry yelled out one of his secretly-favourite lines - the line he said to Quirrel in first year.
"No!"
"So you went through all the trouble to get me to like you? By making me enter that damned Slytherin chamber?" Harry screamed.
"No! Well, okay, maybe I DID persuade J.K to put me in a closed area with you..." Ginny confessed.
"You, woman, are unbelievable. I NEARLY GOT KILLED BY A GIANT BASILISK!"
"Hey, I like the Basilisk." Draco returned to the conversation.
"Where's Hermione?" Ron asked.
"Oh, I left her in OUR common room," Draco smirked, and ducked to escape from a book thrown at him by Harry.
"Hey, this is Hermione's favourite book! Thanks, Potter!" Then Draco left again.
"Anyway, you nearly got killed in EVERY book, Harry. Big deal. Actually, killing the Basilisk really wasn't the toughest job, comparing to the last book, duh!" Ginny said.
"Easy for YOU to say!" Harry snapped.
"So, what do you say we ship us? As a sorry gift from me to you?" Ginny suggested.
"Oh, alright." Harry said.
"Great!" Ginny grabbed his arm and started to leave.
"Wait, what about Dean, then?" Harry stopped.
"Oh, I wasn't dating him anymore. He always asked me whether I wanted 'gummmmmmm'. So I dumped him. And I just said I was dating him so I could get you to feel jealous." Ginny explained.
"You're. So. Wicked." Harry stared at her. "But surprisingly, I like it."
"What the hell is a Hufflepuff?" Dumbledore suddenly yelled.
"Huh?" Snape asked.
"Oh, nothing. Fan fiction readers like the way I act all crazy and suddenly shout lines from the Muggle musical – A Very Potter Musical." Dumbledore replied. "And they want me to wear this shirt too. See? It's from High School Musical, with Zefron printed on it."
"Oh, yeah, that A Very Potter Musical. It's great..."
"Yeah, red vines..."
And so Harry and Ginny left the corridor, with Ron, Snape and Dumbledore behind them.
A/N: Do you like it? Should I write more? Actually most of this is true about me lol: I am in Slytherin on Pottermore, I 'liked' almost every facebook fan page, I added almost everything/everyone as my favourite on Pottermore, and I love Zefron too. YAY:D *fan-girl scream* Review, guys!
P.S I know that I still haven't updated Not That I Even Care & Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger and the Giant Squid, but I promise that I'll update soon - I'm NOT giving them up! :D