Author's Note: I know, I know…I haven't updated my M*A*S*H stories in FOREVER! But, truth be told I don't know if I ever will. I've pretty much lost interest to be quite honest with you. I have (get ready) moved on and am going to start writing, when I have time (which is extremely rare), for my new favorite/obsession: Red Dwarf! But bear with me, this is my first Red Dwarf story so I'm really sorry if it's not as good as you would expect. I am but a lowly American and will try my best to sound as British as possible. =]

This story is set sometime after Series 3, but there will be things that happened in Series 3 later in the story and 'Justice' (from Series 4) is mentioned like it had happened already, as will a couple things in later chapters. So like I said…bear with me! And enjoy!

Hundred Percent Human
By: Cora

Chapter 1 – nPod

"Okay this time, you have to close your eyes, turn around three times, throw it under your leg, bounce it twice off the table, and get it in the cup," Lister held up the ping pong ball and closed his eyes, his face slightly twisted in concentration.

When the ball ended up ricocheting off the corner of the table and flying over to Rimmer's bunk, Cat let out a noise that was half a laugh and half a meowing screech. "What the hell was that? I thought you were aiming for the cup!"

"Alright, alright. You try it then, Smeghead." The man with the somewhat irrational haircut jumped on his roommates bunk, trying his hardest to mess up the bed in a way that would drive the hologram nutty. He found the ball and chucked it to his opponent, attempting to put his catlike reflexes to the test.

"Watch and learn, Monkey." The dark-skinned cat descendant (today dressed in a bright gold jacket, black vinyl shirt, and tight silver pants), caught the ball and spun around, much more gracefully than Lister had when taking his turn. The ball completely missed the table and flew out the door, passing clean through the man standing in the doorway.

"What the smeg are you doing, you stupid goit?" the hologram demanded, stomping into the room with Kryten behind him. The droid wore a look of apologetic guilt.

"Oops, sorry Goalpost Head. Didn't mean to rearrange your pixels like that. Oh, wait! That's how you usually look, isn't it? My bad!" the cat smiled, flashing his long, sharp teeth.

"What do you want, Rimmer?" Lister folded his arms, already trying to figure out again how something completely composed of light could annoy him so thoroughly.

"I want to know what the hell that idiot was doing, throwing things through me!" he pointed to the humanoid who was grooming himself in the mirror over the counter.

"We're just playing a good old game of quarters, man. Relax!"

The dead second technician rolled his eyes and turned up his nose before curiosity got the best of him, "Quarters?"

"Yeah, you know," Lister rolled the ball down his nose and into the cup, years of practice making themselves evident. "quarters. It's a classic. 'Course we had to use something different than a coin. Mine are all in the arcade on Titan."

Rimmer raised an eyebrow and set his jaw, trying to make himself seem like the 'holier than thou' type he thought he should be seen as. "Well when you're done being stupid, you might want to see what we found floating around in space this morning while you were wasting your day in bed." Without anything further, the hologram turned around and disappeared out the door and down the metal corridor.

"Tell me you found a giant order from the Indian Palace." When the cat and Kryten gave him a funny look, Lister shrugged, "Sorry, I'm hopeful. Inventory says we're down to only 987 curries and that won't last all that much longer."

"Terribly sorry sir, but it's nothing like that." Kryten informed the other half of the ship's crew, "It's actually a stasis pod from the early 21st century, as far as I can tell from the structural characteristics of the time."

"There somebody in it?" Cat asked, remembering the previous events that had taken place when the crew found someone floating around in space.

"Yes sir. Its stasis field was probably activated around 2015, give or take a couple years."

"So in other words, whatever's in that pod could be like that thing we ran into before," Lister and Cat were on the same wavelength at the moment, but the one actually vocalizing the memory probably wasn't worried about how it could mess up his hair again, like the other one was.

"It couldn't be like what we found before, Sir. Simulants weren't created until much farther into the future. We've x-rayed it and know what's in the pod. More or less."

"Wouldn't it have to be if it could survive space?"

"Oh, well it is lead, Mr. Lister. But, I was cleaning different parts in the science lab last month and came across something extraordinary. It seems the researchers found a brand new compound on one of the last planets the Jupiter Mining Corporation explored. When added to the radiation of a standard x-ray, it creates a sort of super strength x-ray vision, allowing regular x-rays to see through most anything. Lead included." The poor droid's lip started quivering, "Activate guilt mode: I'm very sorry I didn't find it before our encounter with the mass-murdering simulant. I realize I should have cleaned that area of the lab more extensively before, but I guess I just neglected it to catch up on your laundry. I just–"

"Kryten," Lister cut off his robotic friend before he short circuited, "are you saying you know what's in that pod?"

"More or less. Won't you follow me, Sir? I think you should see for yourself."

"Yeah, I wanna see this!" The cat squealed, running a comb through his perfectly pony-tailed hair.

"Sure, why not. Cat already lost anyway." Pocketing the ping pong ball, Lister threw his hat on and followed the other two down to the lab, an uneasy feeling in his gut that wasn't even closely related to the four helpings of vindaloo he'd had for breakfast.

"So you're absolutely sure it's human?" The only surviving original crew member was studying the x-rays as much as his art college education would allow. "I mean it looks human, but it could just be another life form that evolved over the three million years we've been in space, couldn't it? What if they just used an old stasis pod?"

"I don't think that's likely, Sir." Kryten shook his head, "Based on my knowledge of human anatomy, I've come to the conclusion that this really is a human. My best guess is that this is a female in her early twenties."

Cat's perfectly waxed brows furrowed, "You can tell all that by a bunch of bones?"

"Why yes. The fusion between the caps and shafts of the bones in the thigh and upper arm clearly indicate the age, along with the recently sealed skull bones. And then the angle of the leg bones in relation to the hips shows that it is, in fact, female."

Lister's mouth formed an involuntary, cheeky grin, "Not entirely sure what you just said, but I say if it's a girl in her early twenties in there, let me at her."

"What if she's a fat, hideous, hairy creature that just has the anatomy of a twenty year old?" Rimmer asked, his arms folded and foot tapping impatiently.

"When we find those aliens you think can get your body back, you could finally lose your virginity," the man retorted.

"Oh hardy har har, mouse brain. I say we throw it back into space. It's too risky."

"What do you think, Holly?" Lister sighed and asked the ship's computer's opinion. He knew Rimmer could have a point, no matter how much he hated to admit it.

"Did you find a black-box recording with it?" asked the blond computer generated head in her completely realistic voice.

"No, just the pod," Rimmer replied, looking over the large metal box again, making sure they didn't miss an extra compartment.

"Is there a name or any writing anywhere on it? Serial number? Something?"

"No Holls, just a big red button that says Stasis on the back," the human took a good look at the pod for the first time. It was about seven feet long and three feet across. It was just a big, industrial looking, metal box with big hinges on one side and heavy duty clasps on the other.

"Well I don't know why you're asking me then," the computer sounded miffed. "It's not like I can just pull answers to all your questions out of thin air. I know it looks like I can, but I can't. I can't tell the future or anything. I may have had an IQ of 6,000 at one time, but I just don't know what happened to it! Why don't you ask that stupid Talky Toaster? He'd probably have more answers for you!" And with that, the temperamental computer head vanished off her screen for the time being.

"I guess there's only one way to find out." The cat stepped up to the box, kicking the big red button before anyone could stop him.

"Cat, you idiot! You could have just put the whole crew in jeopardy!"Rimmer's pixels turned a shade of red as he yelled, stepping forward and raising his fist before realizing there wasn't much he could do as far as throwing the punch the feline deserved.

Before anything could be done about the cat, however, a loud clamor came from inside the box. The shrieks and screaming for help pretty much confirmed Kryten's speculations. "Help me! Somebody help! Anybody! Help me!" It was a girl's voice and her fists were hitting the inside of the metal trap as hard as they could.

"Cat, Kryten! Get the other latches!" Lister dove for the box, unhooking the one closest to the button end of the pod. When the other two latches were taken apart, the three hurried to lift the heavy lid and swung it open. She still screamed and wriggled, flailing her arms and legs outside of the box, trying anything she could to get away from the danger she thought was coming. "Hey, hey, hey, it's okay, it's okay." Two large, human hands grabbed the girls arms as gently as they could, while their owners tried to get her to calm down. "You're alright, I promise. We're good guys."

The girl tried to squirm out of his hold, "Why can't you people leave me alone?" Her hazel, green eyes were bright with fear, "Let me go! Please…please…" her screams turned into sobs, but they almost helped her to fight back harder.

"Shhh, it's okay. We want to help you," Lister didn't know what to do to earn the girl's trust. Her left eye was black and swollen, her lip split and bloody, she had several cuts above her right eyebrow, and even more bruises were visible through her tattered and dirty clothes.

Cat, Kryten, and Rimmer had all backed off while their fellow shipmate tried to calm their find, not wanting to overwhelm her. "Boy she looks rough," Cat murmured to the others in the corner of the room, for once being completely serious.

"I hate to think what happened to her…what brought her here," Rimmer shook his head, actually thinking of someone besides himself for a change.

"You're okay," the man at the pod was starting to have a little luck. The girl had stopped screaming, but was still resisting a bit and had moved on to hyperventilating. "I'm not gonna hurt ya, honest." She let him help her sit up in the container she had been in for longer than she would ever guess, "Just take deep breaths. You're alright." Lister stole a quick look back at his friends in the corner, his eyes a mixture of worry and heartbreak for the girl.

When her breathing started calming down a bit, she tried to wipe her eyes and flinched, finding the bruises on her face. "We can fix that. You'll be good as new in no time," he winked to see if his charm would have any affect.

"Wh…who…are you?" she asked, her voice hoarse.

"Dave Lister, at your service," he smiled. He couldn't help it. She was beaten, battered, and scared but still…beautiful. Her shoulder length hair was going every which way, but it was still the prettiest combination of brown and red with natural blonde highlights. She may have been the first woman he'd seen in three million years and probably the last woman in the universe, but that didn't matter. She was gorgeous anyway.

Clearing his throat, he tried to push those thoughts away for the moment, "You think you could stand?" When her eyes grew wide again and he could tell her body was tensing, preparing itself for another round of whatever she had been put through previously, Lister nodded toward the cushioned table on one end of the science lab. "Thought you might be more comfortable out of the pod." She nodded a little and tried to stand, but her arms and legs started shaking when she tried putting any pressure on them. "Here," Lister stood up and flipped his dread locks back, "I got ya." He helped her stand and carefully picked her up. When he turned around to head toward the table, she gasped at the sight of the droid, smoothing out the padding and paper on the table.

Kryten looked startled and guilty again, "Oh I'm sorry. Just a habit."

"It's okay Kryt," sitting the girl on the table, he kind of chuckled, "Kryten's a droid we found on the Nova 5. We broke his programming though, so now he's more like a real human. Nicest guy you'll ever meet."

"He's a what?" She asked, watching the oddly shaped, metallic, almost human looking thing bustle about, pulling different first aid supplies out of different cupboards.

"An android. Course, he's technically a mechanoid. They were pretty much made to be slaves for people that didn't want to do their own laundry."

"So he's a robot?" things were just getting too confusing for the poor girl. Her heart started racing with dread, "Does that mean we're in like…China or Japan or something?"

"Little west of there actually." Lister felt like his stomach had done a cartwheel. He didn't want to tell her where they really were yet. When they really were. She was unstable from whatever tragic mishap had taken place before being trapped in stasis, and she had been in suspended animation for even longer than he had. He didn't have all that much going for him on Earth when he boarded Red Dwarf, but the young woman in front of him could have had the perfect life he never had.

"Here you are, Sir. Everything you should need to mend whatever cut, bruise, or bump." The droid had returned to the table with a tray full of gauze, cotton balls, creams, band aids, hydrogen peroxide, and butterfly stitches. "Would you like some assistance?"

"No, I can manage," he grabbed a few cotton balls and soaked them in the peroxide. "This might sting a little," he warned, carefully going over the cuts above her eyebrow.

"Okay then. I'll go fix up a space for her to stay," Kryten nodded and left the lab, Rimmer and the cat behind him.

"Sorry," the girl had jumped when he went over a particularly large cut right above her eye. "I wish we had something to just make this all go away for ya." She just nodded a little, trying hard not to show the pain she was in. "So, does a pretty girl like you got a name?"

"I'm Nicole…Nikki," she smiled, "I'm not that pretty, but I have a name, I guess."

"One of those, huh? Why is it always the pretty girls that never think they're anything to look at?"

"I never saw myself like that I guess," she shrugged. "My parents were the only ones to say anything like that to me and they're supposed to be biased. I figured it was just them."

He just laughed and shook his head. "So where are you from?" The man asked, adjusting the butterfly stitches to help close the biggest gashes around her eye. He'd noticed she didn't have the usual accent he was used to hearing and wanted to steer clear of the fate of her parents for a while longer.

"Um…Iowa," the question seemed a little random and caught her off guard. "Well, I grew up there. Maybe I should say New York City now? I wasn't there for long though…" she trailed off, her eyes not focusing on anything.

"That where his happened?" he asked after a few minutes had passed without a sound other than the rustling of band aid backing. She just nodded, closing her eyes and trying not to let the tears out again. He knew not to keep pushing the subject and let it go. She'd tell him when she was ready. "Well…" he pushed a piece of hair that had fallen into her face back behind her ear, "if it's any comfort to you, you're about as far away from whoever did this to you as you can be. You're safe here," for the most part, he added mentally.

Nikki opened her eyes and smiled a little, "When do I get to go home?" Her voice was shaky with the threatening tears.

Lister covered the girl's bruised hand with his, "Listen…Nikki…I'm afraid it's not that simple."

Her heart jumped up into her throat and her mouth went dry. Here she thought she had been rescued, but now she didn't know what to think. Was she really safe, or was this another round of torture she didn't deserve? "What do you mean?" Her voice shook, but she tried to look strong. "You promised you were good guys. Please, just let me go. I don't know what you guys want from me but I – "

"Hey, easy…easy," Lister wiped off his hand on his pants and lightly grabbed the girl's arms, "Bad choice of words on my part, I know. But I didn't mean it like that. We've all been wanting to get home for a very, very long time now. But we just can't."

"What are you talking about?" she asked, now thinking maybe she had been brought to some sort of prison where her abductors took their victims.

"I mean we're kind of…it." He went across the room to the small freezer, pulled out an ice pack, and wrapped it in a towel, avoiding eye contact until handing it to her. "Here, hold this on your eye."

"What do you mean, we're kind of it?" she grabbed the ice and held it up to her face, her hands shaking. "Where are we?"

The man sighed, knowing he pretty much had to tell her now, "It's kind of a long story."

"I'm assuming I have the time if I can't go anywhere," she shot back.

"Right," Lister nodded and grabbed a stool from under one of the computers. Nikki watched him closely as he adjusted it in front of her and took a seat. His leather biker-gloved hands played with a button on his black cargo pants, he adjusted his hat twice, messed with one of his dreadlocks, and made a few strange faces before finally thinking of something to say. "You were in that pod for…a lot longer than you probably think."

"Um…huh?"

Well, that kind of ended abruptly, but I thought it was a good place to end this chapter. The next update will have some of Lister's explanation and Nikki's reaction, along with whatever else I can think of. ;-] Hopefully whatever questions you may have will be answered then too! Also, if you thought maybe Lister wasn't being his usual self when talking to Nikki, there'll probably be an explanation for that soon too. (And for why he didn't run off to grab his Spiderman costume…hehe)

But I hope you liked it! Tell me what you think and thanks for reading!

PS: I hope the next update won't take too long to post, but with school and all the homework…I can't promise anything. (I apologize in advance).