Nothing's left. Everything… the charade has ended.
What's there to live for?
Nothing, that's what. The Sorceress is dead… nobody left to fuck my mind over and over. The world hates me… not that I cared, but it was nice to enter a town and not be glared back out. Garden has disowned me. Fu and Raijin are growing more and more distant. Matron and Cid are off making up for the lost time. Even the Orphanage Gang have gone on to better things. But the greatest regret of all…
The blonde tried hard not to think of him, but the last image he had of him came unbidden into his mind. It was during the battle against Adel, when he'd looked at him with such pain and hatred from bloodied, tearstained eyes…
Zell.
Seifer rubbed his eyes, hard. He had to stop thinking about the little blonde. Nevertheless, the pain was there, the regret… the intense hurt of a love unrequited.
He looked up and saw the large, blurry outline of the orphanage. He walked towards the crumbling house resolutely, each step taking him farther and farther from the only human he'd ever admitted to having loved.
"Goodbye, Zell," he whispered, as he entered the house. He'd already decided, his mind was firm.
Once he'd entered the house, there was no going back out.
"Zell, stop that."
"…what?" the little blonde asked, looking up to see a frowning Quistis looking at him.
"That," Quistis said, indicating with her head. Zell looked down. He couldn't detect anything offensive within his person.
"What?" he repeated, looking confused. He cocked his head to one side, staring at the blonde instructor.
"I think she means that," Rinoa said witheringly, as Zell started to pace around again. "You're starting act more and more like Squall, Zell."
Squall, who was currently sitting behind his desk, gave Rinoa a hard glare before returning to his paperwork.
"What d'you mean?" Zell said, a little too defensively.
"Zell, lately you've been acting a little too… reserved. Moody, even." Selphie said worriedly, prodding the dozing cowboy beside her. With a start, Irvine looked up blearily and said, "I agree with Selphie," before nodding off again. The messenger girl giggled.
"So what if I am?"
"Well, we're worried, Zell. You're not yourself." Quistis said gently.
"I… I'm just not feeling well." Zell finished lamely. At this, Squall finally looked up sharply.
"Then take a vacation, Zell. Take a paid leave, leave Balamb Garden for a while—you may consider that as an order, if you feel like refusing." Squall said. Everyone except the spunky fighter stared at their commander, openmouthed. None of them had ever heard Squall speak more than a few syllables at a time.
"Thanks, Squall." Zell said quietly, showing none of his usual energy. On that somber note, he left the commander's office.
"I wonder what's got to him?" Quistis said worriedly, staring at the door through which Zell had gone. None of them were accustomed to seeing him that downcast for such a long time. It was unnatural, and therefore, it scared them.
Even Squall, normally so aloof and uncaring, could not take the image of the new Zell out of his mind, while unease played around the edges of his mind.
Great, kicked out of Garden, Zell thought glumly as he walked towards the Garden's parking lot, a suitcase in hand. His normally hyper disposition seemed to have dissipated like smoke caught in a high wind; Zell couldn't remember the last time he'd been his chipper self in the past week.
It was all because of him.
Why won't he just get out of my mind? Zell thought angrily, scowling at nothing in particular. A couple of junior cadets, who had been laughing loudly, immediately stopped and scurried away.
He had always bullied me in the past, Zell thought, not paying attention to the crowded hall. He used to infuriate me to no end, reveling in every moment I made a fool of myself. He lived for those moments that he made me look like an idiot! So why can't I seem to stop thinking about him?
Perhaps Squall is right. Maybe a change of scenery is what I need right now. With that, Zell hoisted his bag over his well-muscled shoulder, grabbed a key from the attendant at the entrance of the parking lot, and drove out of Balamb Garden.
Seifer looked around at the rotting house. This had been the house which held his memories—the ones worth remembering, anyway. This had been the site where he'd met the Orphanage Gang, the place where he felt most at home, the place where he could boast of a life away from the mindfuck games that Ultemecia had freely used.
This was also the place where everything, most especially his romantic dream, had started.
"What the hell," Seifer said, his voice echoing weirdly around the house. At once, the terrible weight of his hopeless life was laid bare. Seifer blinked furiously, refusing to acknowledge the fact. He was Seifer Almasy, dammit! He was once a Sorceress's Knight!
Seifer moved into the living room. At once, as though some ancient magic that had lain dormant for a long time had only just been stirred, the tall blonde seemed to see the ghosts of the past in the room.
A ghost-Zell ran past him, chasing after a taller ghost-boy had no difficulty in recognizing as his past self.
"Give that back!" Zell cried, running after the older blonde. Seifer only stuck his tongue out, clutching Zell's stuffed animal out of the crying boy's reach.
"Make me, then!" Seifer said. Even while he was still young, the trademark sneer was already firmly in place. He danced around, laughing, as Zell attempted to climb up his body to reach his stuffed animal.
"I'm gonna go tell Matwyn you're being mean to me again!" Zell panted, as he jumped up. His fingers brushed the toy; immediately, Seifer jumped up the overstuffed armchair and continued to hold the toy out of Zell's reach.
"Seifie!"
Seifer looked around for the source of the bossy voice; at the door stood Quistis. Even when they were little, Quistis looked bossy.
Give that back to Zelly!" she said, taking a step in the laughing blonde's direction.
"Make me!" Seifer taunted, as he continued to dance on the chair.
"Seifie—" Quistis said, her brow knitting closer. Seifer stuck out his tongue and jumped back from the chair—only to slam bodily into Matron's waiting arms.
"M—Matwyn!" Seifer squeaked, clutching the bear possessively in his hands.
"Give that back to Zell, Seifer. What have I told you about taking things that aren't yours?" Matron gently chided, slowly taking the bear from Seifer's unresisting hands.
Seifer only looked moodily at Zell, who was now laughing delightedly as he received his teddy bear back.
"Seifer?" Matron said, reaching out to the blonde troublemaker. Before she could get a purchasing grip, Seifer gave Zell one last glare, and ran out of the room.
The present-day Seifer looked up the stairs through which the ghost of his past self had run up. He knew what happened, but he needed to see the place, to surround himself once more in that exact moment in which he knew started his true romantic dream…
He climbed up the stairs, ascending to Zell's old room. His steps echoed throughout the abandoned orphanage, as though mocking him of his loneliness.
Zell stepped off the ferry, shouldering his backpack almost nervously. He stared around at the wide expanse of the Centra continent. His choice of a vacation place complimented his dark mood completely; instead of heading towards the well-known tourist traps of Dollet, Deling, Esthar and the other cities, he'd chosen to make a pilgrimage to the place where he'd come from, to the place where the only good memories of Seifer were to be had.
Sighing heavily, trying to avoid thinking of that blonde-haired god, he trudged down the road towards Edea's former orphanage. Perhaps… perhaps, the silence of the past would help calm his troubled soul.
And… perhaps he'd finally come to terms with his out-of-control feelings for the former Sorceress' Knight.
Seifer opened the door, and was immediately assaulted by the multitude of memories that pervaded the room. As though on cue, two ghosts from his past materialized before his eyes: his own self and Zell.
"Seif!" Zell squeaked, clutching his teddy bear tighter to his body. Outside, the rain lashed at the windows, while the wind howled its fury against the creaking orphanage house.
"Matwyn sent me here to say I'm sorry," Seifer said stiffly, trying to act cool. He started to sneer—when a particularly vicious bolt of lightning rent the night sky. Seifer abandoned his cool pretense and shivered in fear. He HATED lightning.
"W—well, I'll, uh, I'll go back t—to my room now. I—I'm a b—brave boy," Seifer said, crying out again when another bolt scurried across the sky, followed by thunder that rocked the house to its foundations.
He turned around, trying not to show Zell his shaking legs. He took one step forwards, when he felt the smaller blonde's grip on his arm. Seifer looked around.
"Stay with me, Seif," Zell said, looking at the older blonde with pleading eyes. "I—I'm afraid too. We can share Teddy," he offered, as though tempting the older boy. Seifer was only too glad to accept.
Both boys lay down on the bed, curling up on the thin mattress, their arms around one another, and the teddy bear between them. And, despite the ferocity of the storm outside, both boys fell asleep.
Seifer stared unseeingly at the bed, tears forming in his eyes. It had been then, when his protective instinct for Zell had arisen. He let silent tears fall as a multitude of images, of memories assaulted his vision.
How could he have been so stupid! He'd been too arrogant, too full of himself. He could still remember…
"Seif!" a thin voice cried out, almost buried beneath the babble of childish voices.
Seifer extricated himself from the clutches of Selphie and turned around. Zell stood at the door of the orphanage, peeking out fearfully. Seifer walked away from the tight knot of children, towards his Zell.
"Zelly," he said, smiling softly. Zell released his grip on the door frame and ran for Seifer's open arms.
"They said you was moving away," the younger blonde sobbed, tightening his grip on Seifer's waist. Seifer likewise did the same, bringing the smaller blonde closer to him. Matron smiled to herself, and began herding the other children back towards the orphanage.
"Seif, don't go," Zell sobbed. He looked up and whispered, "You can have my Teddy if you promise me you won't go away."
Seifer laughed, albeit a broken, grief-laden laugh.
"I won't accept it, Zelly," he whispered back, "because you have to give it to me when we meet again."
"Let me come with you then!" Zell insisted, tears streaming down his cheeks. Seifer reached down and gently wiped the tearstains away.
"When you're ready, Zelly, I want you to promise you'll follow me, so we'll be together again," Seifer said, his sight finally wavering until the younger blonde seemed to swim in a haze of tears.
"I promise, Seif. I promise."
Free of the effects of the Guardian Forces, Seifer could remember only too painfully the circumstances leading to their falling out. He'd bragged that only he would be impervious to a GF's side effects, after first learning of them in class. One thing led to another, and the bet that changed his life came out.
He'd arrogantly accepted a bet that required him to equip a GF far earlier than the standard age set by Balamb Garden. As a result…
"Seifer!" a short blonde cried out excitedly. Seifer turned away from Raijin, frowning at the eagerly bouncing blonde coming his way.
"SEIFER. KNOW?" Fujin asked, looking disapprovingly at the spunky blonde.
"Who is he, ya know?" Raijin asked. Seifer maintained a deadpan face as he watched the blonde with the queer haircut run his way.
"Seif!" the shorter blonde exclaimed, finally reaching Seifer. Without warning, he jumped forwards and threw his arms around Seifer, enveloping the taller man in a bone-crushing hug.
Fujin and Raijin both sniggered, deeply amused at the monstrous blush that was stealing over their leader's face. The passing SeeDs and junior classmen laughed, openly pointing at the shorter man wrapped over the head of the Disciplinary Committee like some sort of lover.
"What the—get off me, you freak with the chicken hair!" Seifer said, wrenching Zell's arms off him. He immediately backed several steps, bumping into Raijin's broad chest as a result. Seifer looked deeply mortified as soft laughter floated all around him.
"I don't know him!" he stated loudly, pointing an accusatory finger at the stock-still blonde. "Stay away from me if you don't want to get a new set of elbows, Chickenwuss!"
With that, Seifer and his posse stomped away, leaving Zell in the middle of the crowded hall.
"I never meant to hurt you," Seifer whispered softly, sadly. He sat down on the edge of the bed, dropping his head onto his hands. He wanted to kill that stupid junior classman who'd goaded him to equip those damnable GF's far too early. He wanted to kill himself.
"Zell… my Zelly… I'm sorry…" Seifer sobbed hoarsely.
Zell blinked once, as though just noticing where he was. He had managed to travel through the wide expanse of Centra continent without really noticing it. He looked down at his hands; they were covered with monster blood he hadn't even known he'd slain.
Zell shivered as a cruel breeze washed over him. Frowning, he turned around—and saw the crumbling ruins of the old orphanage in the distance, barely visible over the bright blue of the sea.
"No shit!" Zell said, surprised. With a surprising burst of energy, he bounded across the rocky plain, straight towards the ruins.
Seifer moved back downstairs, not really wanting to remain in that room where his Zell used to stay. Those memories of times lost were slowly driving him insane.
The tall blonde looked around and saw the old orphanage piano still standing in the same corner where Matron used to play. He slowly walked over to it. Compared to the rest of the house, the piano seemed less run-down.
Seifer approached the piano slowly, marveling at its almost unnaturally pristine condition. With tears in his eyes, he sat down on the worn cushions, gently tracing the edge of the lid with his fingers. He looked around, and saw the ghost of a younger Zell smile up at him. There was such a look of unsullied innocence on that beloved face that Seifer could not help himself. He lifted the cover off, just as the first tear splashed onto the aged wood.
"Will you really play the peeano, Seifie? Will you really?"
"Yes, my beloved Zell, I will," Seifer sobbed, his fingers drawing forth the first trembling notes of their song.
"Just for you, I will."
Zell closed the last few meters. The orphanage loomed in front of him, decrepit and crumbling. He lightly stepped over the fallen rocks, heading steadily for the entrance of the ruined house—when he heard the faint notes of a disturbingly familiar song.
The blonde martial artist stopped, wondering where he'd heard that song before. As he let his mind wander, it immediately alighted on the blonde knight, during one of Selphie's school festivals. He was slinking around Garden, not really keen on watching all of them dance, when he spotted Seifer slip into one of the music rooms in the Garden. His curiosity piqued, he slunk over to the entrance, and that was where he heard, for the first time, the school bully play with a passion he never would have thought that Seifer would be able to produce…
Then a newer, more disturbing memory surfaced to the foremost of his brain…
"Matwyn, I wanna play!" Seifer demanded, looking up at Matron's smiling face. The music faltered, and Matron looked down at him.
"What was that, little Seifer? You want to play the piano?" Matron laughed gently, then moved a little along the piano bench. She smiled at the scowling blonde, and patted the seat beside her.
"Come here, Seifer. Come here and I'll teach you to play the piano." Seifer immediately scrambled up the bench. Matron started playing slowly, but Seifer only scowled at her.
"Is there anything wrong?" Matron asked, noticing Seifer's continued scowl.
"There's no room for Zelly on the bench," Seifer accused, pointing at the smaller blonde on the floor. Matron's lips twitched at this rough display of affection. The others, however, were not so discreet with their observations.
"Aaa, Seifie's in lurv with Zelly! Seifie luurves Zelly!" Irvine shouted gleefully, dancing around the room.
"Ooh, Seifie and Zelly up on a tree, kay aye ess ess aye en—Irvy, help!" Selphie's merry chant shifted to a squeak of horror as Seifer climbed down the piano bench, bearing down after the brown-haired girl.
Zell blushed. Was that really Seifer? It was just too hard to believe… no, it was impossible to believe that Seifer would ever act like that…
"Seifer?" Matron called out, sensing the belligerent child's presence lurking near the door.
"I'm sorry I hit Selphie," he said abruptly. Before Matron could reply, though, a second voice whispered loudly, "Seifie, say that apology to Selphie, not to Matwyn!"
"Zelly, don't boss me around!" Seifer said, forgetting that someone was listening to their banter with amusement.
"But Seifie—" Zell whined.
"Seifer, Zell? Why don't you come in here?" Matron coaxed, patting the piano seat beside her.
"Won't fit," Seifer said shortly. Matron laughed, but kept patting the seat anyway.
"Well, why don't Zell sit on your lap, Seifer? That way, we can all sit down, and I can teach you that song I was playing earlier."
"You will? Really?" both said in unison. Immediately, Seifer climbed the bench, straddled it, then helped pull Zell up. After minutes of awkward shifting, they were finally comfortably seated. Matron smiled at the tenderness in which Seifer had helped Zell climb, and the gentleness that was obvious, despite Seifer's continuous complaints of
Zell's weight.
"Now, place your fingers, here, and here…"
As though continuing from the ghosts of the past, that very same music drifted out to him. Zell closed his eyes, not even trying to stop his tears, letting that familiar song wash over him. But there was something wrong… the song felt so wrong…
Zell's eyes snapped open. The song conveyed sadness and despair of a magnitude that felt almost like a slap on the face. The notes sounded broken, ragged—the song felt just full of hopelessness.
"This'll be our song, Zelly."
That distant whisper, carried by the winds of the past, finally clicked everything together. There was only one person who ever called him that, in that same affectionate tone… only one person could…
Abandoning his things on the edges of the ruined property, Zell sprinted for the house, tears streaming down his cheeks.
Zell leaned against the wall of the entrance hall, breathing in short gasps. The music felt louder now; whoever was playing was using Matron's old piano. He gathered all of his courage, took one last deep breath, and stepped through the door beside him.
The moment he spotted that familiar mop of golden-blonde hair, the room seemed to vanish, and nothing else existed except him and that golden-haired, piano-playing god before him.
Then, as though fate prompted the events leading to this moment, Seifer chose that moment to whisper, "Oh Zell, I miss you… so much so it hurts…"
Fresh tears sprang to the shorter blonde's eyes. That statement was what cemented the feeling that had been brewing inside him, and which he had never deigned to recognize.
Slowly, he approached the seated form of his former tormentor on the piano bench.
Seifer continued playing, although his heart had flown away, to that far place where his Zell was.
Shall I keep playing until I just drop from sheer exhaustion? Seifer wondered dimly, as his fingers danced across the keys. There was no point in living, if the only person he cared for was so obviously against him.
"Oh Zell, I miss you… so much so it hurts…" he whispered. He would not cry, he would not cry…
"I missed you too, believe it or not," an achingly familiar voice quietly replied. Seifer, who was used to Zell's voice coming out to him from his memories, did not look around.
"If only that were real… what I would give to hear you say that, Zelly…" Seifer said, as his music became more and more discordant. He choked back a sob, when he felt a pair of warm, muscled hands wrap around his chest and something lean against his back.
Seifer's fingers flew off the keys; frantically, his hand reached for the weapon that was not there. He tried looking around, but something was obstructing his head, he could not swivel it around—
"I missed you too, if you can believe it…" Zell's voice whispered again. The realization of who was behind him, hugging him from behind, practically shook him to the core.
"Ze… Zell?" Seifer whispered, so softly as though he was afraid that saying it any louder would break whatever enchantment was in effect. "Is… is that really… you?"
"I'm sorry, Seif…" Zell whispered, his breath playing across Seifer's ear. Seifer closed his eyes as he felt Zell hug him a little more tightly. "I'm so sorry…"
"Zell, no, I should be the one—" Seifer said hurriedly, when a tender act from the shorter blonde cut him off.
"No, it was never your fault," Zell whispered, walking around and sitting beside the taller blonde. Seifer hesitated a moment before he leaned in hesitantly and, for the briefest of moments, touched his lips against Zell's.
Seifer felt the younger blonde start to recoil. Acting swiftly, he snaked his hand around Zell's slim waist and pulled him in, effectively prolonging the kiss.
The piano was forgotten. All those months of anguish and self-doubt seemed to vanish like smoke in a high wind. Seifer pressed himself as tightly as he could, desperately wanting to lose himself in that moment of bliss. If Zell backed out now, at least he'd have this moment of eternity to sustain him until his dying day.
Zell backed out of the kiss, pulling away roughly from Seifer's desperate questing tongue. Seifer's heart plummeted. A blush crept across his alabaster face, echoing his devastated feelings.
"What, come to make fun of me?" he asked, turning his head away. Despite his raging emotions, he managed to hitch his familiar sneer in place.
"I can tell you're happy, you know. Who'd have thought, the great Seifer Almasy was gay… gay for the one guy he loved to torment the most? I know you're just dying to spread that around. Go ahead, I won't stop you. I know you've been looking for a reason to get back at me. Well, there you are. There's your reason. Go ahead and tell the whole world that the useless bastard that was the Sorceress's Knight was a fag on top of all his crimes." he said acidly, his sneering tone hiding the pain he felt inside. He pulled up that defensive persona which he had hidden behind for so many years, hoping that it would be enough to deflect what anger was coming his way.
"Damn it, Seifer!" Zell said, glaring at the taller blonde. Seifer continued to look away, not wanting to let the other see the hurt in his eyes.
"You just get the kicks at ruining everything!" Zell continued, slamming his fist on the piano lid. Seifer continued to look at the ground, his sneer faltering a bit. He felt Zell leave the seat behind him, and his heart, if it was even possible, fell further. He turned back to the piano, breathing heavily, feeling the despair overwhelm him. Without warning, he felt Zell's strong fingers grasp his chin and tilt his head upward.
"You never rush nor force a first kiss, Seif," Zell said softly, before leaning in and gently touching his lips against Seifer's. Seifer could feel shock overcome him. Zell, sensing this, took the opportunity to delve into Seifer's slack mouth, moving his tongue very gently against the taller blonde's.
With a gentleness that belied his martial artist upbringing, Zell continued to explore the recesses of Seifer's mouth, savoring the unique taste that was solely Seifer's. The older blonde finally overcame his shock, and started kissing back. Passionately.
At long last, nature reestablished herself and both pulled away, the need to breath overcoming their heated liplock. No other words were exchanged; Zell pulled the taller blonde up, enveloped him in a brief but heartfelt hug and whispered in his hear.
"I never gave up on you, you know. All this time, I've always held out for the off-chance that you might come back to me. Not Seifer Almasy the bullying gunblader, but Seify, the one that did not hesitate to share a teddy bear and some comfort to a scared little kid."
"I'm so glad you did," Seifer whispered, tears threatening to spill down his cheeks. Sighing, he pressed his cheek to Zell's head firmly while pulling the shorter blonde closer. He never wanted to let go, even if it meant letting the rest of the world go to hell.
"I'm so glad you did. My Zell."
With a soft but genuine smile, Seifer stood up and gently led Zell up to the upper rooms; to that private space he'd declared as his own sanctuary. He knew that time would mellow out their love for each other, but at this moment he needed to feel that silk-wrapped steel form pressed tightly against him, inside him. He knew that time would allow them to live a languid life in each other's arms, but this time… this time was to be offered to the gods of pleasure.
Nothing was left. The charade had ended… with him exactly where he wanted to be, with the man he adored most tightly held between his arms.
Author's Note: Oh snap! I meant to add some smut to this, but that kind of ending was just too good to resist. Ah well. I might decide to add that in at a later date, but don't hold your breath. I'm no good with that kind of stuff, and it might end up ruining the story. I'll be marking this as 'Complete' for now.
All reviews are welcome!