I cannot keep up with the speed my stomach goes. It turns around, stretches, comes back around and repeats. And I don't eat in a week. It's all wrong, it's all so messed up. It was meant to be lovely, but I feel a bit dizzy.
It happens when I look at him. When I speak to him. Even when someone says his name near me. It's happening now.
The problem is that I lose control. I don't own my feelings and not eating won't help. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I wanna live out here, where exists his dirty glasses, his stinky clothes, his mess fixing my falsely organized mess. I want to live – only – in a world where there's Sid.
I don't understand the texts. I mean, of course I know what's written on them, I'm not as stupid as people think I am. But I don't know what to do with them. I know I should do it. I know I should… eat. But everything would be different if I do it. I would become someone else. And the world, everything I know, everything I created and believe would be completely different if I was someone else. If I ate.
Would Sid love me if I was someone else? Would Sid love me if I was like, you know, Michelle? A person who eats. A person who is normal and doesn't need to make an effort on that. Would he love me if… But, wait, what if he loves me? What if, right now, he's thinking about me, and how would it be to hug me, to kiss me, to fuck me? What if he cares? What if he at least likes me?
Look up if you like me.
Look up if you like me.
Look up if you like me.