Dean needed. He needed the little things he passed off as personality quirks. Bacon Cheeseburgers. One night stands all across America. The ever present familiarity and comfort of the Impala reminded him of a time when everything was okay. But there were deeper hungers, things that he'd hate to admit to requiring. His father's love, which was never enough. Sam's safety, which was to inconsistent to trust. Something that would never leave him, never betray him, never disappoint him. Dean needed something to lean on, and to merge with, and to call his own. Dean was human and he needed to eat, he needed to fuck, he needed to cry, scream, pray. He needed to hope and he needed to love. Sometimes, he needed everything, more than anyone.
The world was ending. Dean could see it in everyone around him. Everyone was losing hope. Some nights, Dean sat in the motel room. He leaned back in his chair, away from his untouched meal at the table, and watched Sam bury himself in research that never proved to be any use. He watched his little brother skim through page after page, his long brown hair hanging in front of his eyes. Dean wondered if Sam could even read the words on front of him, or if he even intended to. He remembered seeing Sam wearing this same expression in the months after Jess died. Hopelessness. He wondered if it would always come back to this, the pain of not being able to save everyone. As the night grew longer and the silence grew louder, he wondered if he would even be able to save anyone.
Other nights, the brothers stayed at Bobby's. More research, more food left unfinished, more questions left unanswered. Sometimes they made useless conversation to fill the void. Just hearing their own voices, making sure they still had them. But tonight there was no pretending. Silence fell on the house. From each of their restless bodies it seeped into the floorboards and made the air seem colder. Every page they turned rustled the silence, nearly echoing against the walls.\
When Castiel appeared, no one noticed until his footfalls rung through every room and hallway.
Dean turned his head abruptly. His clenched jaw calmed when his mind registered the figure in front of him. Everyone seemed to be expecting the worst these days.
"Cas," It was the first word he'd spoken all night. It caught in his throat and came out sounding like a plee.
"Hello Dean," Castiel's voice echoed the emotion in the room. It was deep and monotone as always. He regarded Sam and Bobby each with a nod. The room was silent again until Sam spoke.
"Cas. What's new? Why are you here?"
"There is nothing new that would be helpful to you." Sam looked frustrated. Dean felt even more so. Nothing, there was never anything. Nothing new and nothing important. Nothing that was worth what it took to get out of bed in the morning and face the apocalypse. Face knowing that he might be the only thing that could stop it. He might be the single solitary thing standing between billions of people and death.
"But I've still continued my search," Castiel kept speaking.
It should make me want to give up, Dean thought. Never get out of bed. Simply go back to sleep, maybe forever.
"Ever since you convinced me to keep looking for my father, Dean, I have continued."
But it didn't. It made him want to ball his fists and cock his guns. It made him want to scream and shoot things, and fall to knees and cry out to the heavens.
"My search is still inconclusive so far"
And then it snapped, every single thing in Dean that needed and didn't get, and each little part of him that waited and begged but continued to exist and fester.
"He's not there, Cas, you won't find him," Dean raised him voice to an uncomfortable level due to the previous calm.
"Dean, I will find God."
Dean looked away for a moment in disbelieving aggravation with Castiel's undying faith.
"Don't you think he would've showed up by now? Don't you think he would care just a little bit that half this planet is about to be pushed off into oblivion? Maybe all of it!"
Dean's eyes questioned with such and intensity that Castiel was overcome with a need to give a satisfying answer.
"I have faith in my father," he replied.
"I don't give a fuck about your faith!" Dean yelled. "Tell me how I'm supposed to have any! The world's ending and Jo and Ellen died for no reason and no matter how hard I pray for just a little sign of how, somehow, it' all gonna be okay, that there is some reason, no one answers. All I've got is you telling me to have faith!"
Dean was standing inches from Castiel's wide searching eyes. There was no satisfactory answer to give him now.
Dean stormed past Castiel. His fist slammed into the door frame just before the door swung loudly shut behind him. Everyone in the room was silent. There were no more words to say.
Back at the motel, Dean's knuckles turned white as he wrung his hands together. He squeezed his eyes shut until it hurt but tears still broke through. He sat at the edge if the bed and cried and prayed, one last time with desperation and anger.
When he picked his head back up, Castiel was standing once again in front of him. He clenched his jaw and balled his fists but took no swings and said nothing.
Castiel was the one to break this silence.
"You gave me faith when I came very close to losing it."
Dean relaxed his face but kept his face tightened. He wondered if Castiel had been there to see him cry.
"You give me faith in humanity. You give me faith in my father because I finally understand what it is he loves in you so much."
Dean pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes and stood. Castiel was, as ever, in his space. Castiel than lowered his voice and spoke again.
"I wish that I would give you faith and show you all is not lost yet."
Dean raised his hand. The tips of his fingers settled along Castiel's jaw. Castiel did not move.
Dean did.
With one step he pressed his entire length to Castiel. His space was completely invaded, completely filled with Cas and he didn't care. Bringing his head down to meet Castiel's lips, he gave in to everything he needed. He's cried and screamed and begged and prayed and loved. And, in that moment, he found the faith to believe that maybe it was going to be okay, maybe not all was lost quite yet.