Dear Gordon,
Two weeks ago today I lost our second child together, and with that tiny human I lost any chance of carrying a baby within me again. I don't know what hurts more; that I had a child relying on me to survive and I let them down in the most appalling of ways, or that we together will never get to eagerly await the arrival of our desperately wanted newborn child.
There was never any question over whether I really wanted the child. Katie, Tom and Jonathan are the very reason I strive to be a strong female career woman. I want them to look back in years to come and say that because of their parents they had every opportunity to grasp at. I was just apprehensive I guess. With Jonathan still so young it was difficult to see how it would all fit together. But of course, it would have done.
I leave the house most mornings before Jonathan has woken up, and arrive home each evening long after he has been put to bed. I love my job, but I love our children more so. We get the rare weekend where neither of us is on call. I spend beautiful moments each night watching Jonathan sleep soundly in his cot; occasionally twitching in his dreams. We both have to rush with the eldest two to do their homework and get them to bed before it gets too late. Quite simply I was just blinded by our already chaotic lifestyles. I should have known that with you by my side, Gordon, anything is possible.
Knowing we will never have anymore children together is utterly heartbreaking. I haven't stopped crying since that fateful day. As ever you've been so strong and loving with your unwavering commitment to us all. I am so sorry to have let you down.
All my love,
Jill x