The funeral and wake was a blur for Rick Grimes, his family, and Lori's family. It was a constant flood of people, and casseroles that Rick helped Mrs. Collins load into her freezer. This was the second time he'd done this. She was widowed seven months prior, and they guessed now that that was when Lori started shooting up. Rick had dated Lori since freshman year, and blamed himself for not seeing the signs. Lori had started blowing him off, but he wanted to give her space to grieve, and he knew she was grieving, so he didn't put much stock in the dullness in her eyes, the matte look of her hair (opposed to its typical shine), the weight loss, but he blamed himself the most for the last one. When she finally started to come back around, he was so excited to see her, that when they were alone and intimate, he didn't even notice the marks on the inside of her elbow. He would never forgive himself.

He turned to leave the kitchen that he'd sat in so many times after school while Lori bustled about trying to help her mom with dinner. The two of them knew how bad Rick was at cooking, so they actually encouraged him to just sit at the table and look handsome. However, he was very good at bringing the groceries in from the car, and he was really good at reaching up for the high shelves when they needed it. He tried to leave, and he felt Mrs. Collins' hand around his wrist. "Did I forget a casserole?" he asked dully. She stared into his eyes. "I can't Rick. I don't want to be alone."

He burst into tears, crying, "I miss her so much."
"I do too. I don't how to be alone."
He had never been too at ease around Mrs. Collins, never casual enough to use her first name, but here he was, standing in the kitchen, hugging her as they both sobbed about Lori.
"I don't want you to blame yourself Rick."
"I don't want you to feel alone, Mrs. Collins."
"I am. I am widow, with a dead child."
"You're not alone. You still have me, and I won't let you eat all of those casseroles alone."

She let out a weak laugh, "Thank you Rick. I've taken enough of your time. Get home to your mother. Will you be at the wake tomorrow?"
"Of course."
"And Rick, one more thing."
"Yes?" he asked, hand on the doorknob.
"I know you're only a junior, and that you and Lori have been together since you were fourteen, but she wouldn't want you to mourn her and not move on. I won't be hurt if you start dating another girl. You are just 17, and you don't have to be tied down yet. Do you understand me?"
"Yes. Thank you very much for your blessing Mrs. Collins. Would you like a ride tomorrow?"
She forced her face into a small smile, "Thank you darling."

He left the house and sat in his Mustang. He turned the engine over and the cassette in his deck started playing.
"FUCK!" he screamed into his hands. It was Lori's cassette. "Fuck my life! Fuck it!"
He continued to sob for another twenty minutes until the cassette finished playing, "I'm sorry Lori, I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I don't care that you slept with Shane, I don't care that you aborted our baby, I don't care that you did heroin; I just want you back."
He wiped his tears and his snot with his jacket sleeve, took a deep breath, and finally backed out of the Collins' driveway. He arrived home and his mother greeted him at the door. "Rick, how is she?"
"She's going to be okay."
"How are you?"
"I'm not alright."
"I know honey."
"I miss her Mom."
"I know."
"This morning, I was driving to the wake, and someone cut me off, and I looked at her, because she always laughed when that happens. You know that I am convinced people don't do things like that so I always get a dumb look on my face, and she always laughed at me, and I would get to see her smile, and I turned to look at her, and she wasn't there. She wasn't there Mom."
"I know honey. Afterschool, when you were upstairs, I heard you trip and I looked for her to crack a smile. I understand, baby."
"Can I go to sleep?" He pleaded.
"Anything you want baby."
"Goodnight Mom."
"Goodnight Rick. Just stop in to see your daddy on your way up. He wants to see you."

He knocked on the door to his parents' bedroom and his dad gruffly called, "Come in."
Rick shuffled into the room, weighed down by grief and sadness.
"Dad?"
"Rick, come, sit a spell," his father patted a spot on the bed.

Rick sat down and slumped his shoulders forward.
"I know you're upset son."
"That's an understatement," Rick muttered.
"She wasn't good for you Rick."
"Dad, please don't," Rick started.
"Please, let me finish. Just think about the crummy things she did to you. She cheated on you, she always ditched you-"
"Dad, shut up," Rick interrupted.
"I'll let that slide because I know you're upset-"
"Stop it! Despite anything bad she did to me, I still loved her, and I still miss her more than anything right now, so I would appreciate it if you could stop saying crappy things about my dead girlfriend. Goodnight Dad. I hope I'll see you at the last wake tomorrow."

Before he walked out of the doorway, he turned and said, "I love her. Every couple has bad spots, and we're in high school. This is the stupid stuff that's supposed to happen, that we're supposed to get upset over, but then suck it up and deal. I was ready to deal with that; I'm sorry that you weren't."

He went to his room and had nightmares about the night he got the phone call from Mrs. Collins. He had gotten used to the phone calls; after her dad died, Lori went missing a lot. It was similar to when she had found out she was pregnant sophomore year. She didn't tell him until he found her drinking alone on the beach one night. They fought over her drinking, and she started crying. It wasn't until he pinned her to the ground that she finally, shamefully admitted, "I'm pregnant!"

He had immediately climbed off of her and pulled her to sit up. He refused to react, because whatever he was feeling, she was feeling it a lot worse. He looked at her and softly asked, "Why didn't you tell me, Lori?"
"I don't want the baby," she drunkenly sobbed.
"No?"
"We are sixteen, Rick! Of course I don't want it!" she screamed, dropping her head against his shoulder. She shivered and he pulled her closer.

Rick remembered this night so vividly.

"I want an abortion Rick," she begged. "I know you don't like that idea, but-"
"I won't make you do something you don't want," he soothed. "This is your body, your decision. I will support whatever you want to do. Just tell me how much I owe."
She looked up at him and shook her head, "No, I'm not letting you-"
"I got you pregnant, and you have to deal with this, please let me pay for it."
"Fine."
"Thank you. Can I just ask a few questions?"
She nodded.
"How long have you known?"
"About three weeks; that was when I took the test. Before that I just thought I might be, and I couldn't bring myself to take the test."
"I really wish you had told me. I don't want you to feel alone."
"You're so sweet to me."
"Why were you drinking?"
"Because I didn't know what to do."
"Do you want to go home?"
She nodded, and he helped her stand up. He unzipped his sweatshirt and she slipped it on, whispering a thank you, as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. He opened the passenger door on his car for her and kissed her cheek before he closed the door. He drove her home in silence. Her mom was out, and her dad was at work. He walked her to her bedroom and they stood outside of it for a few moments, hugging each other. She moved to take off his jacket, but he told her to keep it. It was the least he could do.

"Promise me, you'll tell me anything like this."
"I promise."

The night he found out she died, he would much rather have had her be pregnant again. He would have relived that night 1000 times, rather than hear, "Rick, I can't find Lori; do you know where she is?"

He drove around the town for hours until he got another call from Mrs. Collins. Rick was so relieved, when he jovially answered the phone, "Where was she? I was running out of places to look and-"

He was cut off, "Rick, she's dead."
It was almost two minutes before Rick could speak, and when he did, all he said was, "What?"
"The police found a wrecked car. She was in it. I'm at the hospital now, waiting for someone. I know it's a lot to ask, but can you please come. I need someone else here."
"I'll be right there," he promised.

He drove quickly, probably a little too fast, but no one pulled him over. He parked his car, and sprinted into the building, to the room number Mrs. Collins had texted to him. He entered the room and found Mrs. Collins sitting there alone. She stood when he entered, and the two immediately embraced. Rick began crying, for the first time.
"Rick," she whispered. "There's something I need to tell you before the doctor comes."
He looked at her and she continued, "Lori had drugs in her system when they found her. It was an overdose that caused her to crash."
"No," Rick protested. "Lori doesn't do drugs."
"That's what I thought."
"I'm so sorry Rick. I understand if you want to leave."
"I won't. I love your daughter."

The doctor entered the room, and said, "Hello, my name is Dr. Kepner. I was the doctor in charge of the ER when your daughter was admitted. I want to say how sorry I am for your loss."
"Thank you," they muttered together.
"I understand what a trying time this is. Typically I would ask you if you wanted to donate her organs, but I cannot do that due to the presence of the drugs in her tissues, but I am required to ask if you would like a full autopsy."
"No," Mrs. Collins said firmly.
"I understand. I also wanted to give you some reading material on grief and the numbers to three of our grief counselors."
"Thank you," Rick offered.
"Was she your girlfriend?" Dr. Grey asked.
Rick nodded. "I'm sorry," she started.
"Rick."
"I'm sorry for your loss Rick. She's a beautiful girl."
"Thank you."
"I'll leave you two alone. Take your time."

Rick hated that night. It was absolutely the worst night of his life.

Things only got worse when he ignored his mother's phone calls and texts. When he got home she bombarded him with questions about where he had been, why he hadn't listened to her phone calls, it was so late and why hadn't he called, it was a school night, didn't he have homework. He screamed, "LORI IS DEAD!"

She recoiled, "Rick, that is a terrible thing to say."
"No! She is dead, she overdosed on drugs and wrapped her car around a fucking tree. I've been at the hospital with Mrs. Collins since 4:30."
"I am so sorry, Rick."
Rick hated the pity in his mother's eyes, and he also hated that he had just cussed at her, but she seemed to brush it off easily enough.