Play of the Slayer
Season One
By Marie Nomad
It was a dark and gloomy night. Of course nights are naturally dark and gloomy especially in Cleveland. However, things have been gloomier than usual. The faculty and students were doing their normal routines of homework, getting school ready, and slaying.
Robin, the Headmaster of the prestigious school, walked down the hallway studying the place. There was an aura of depression that just emanated from the walls. It was heavier than anything that he had even seen before in his life. He glanced over to see the girls whispering and muttering. The faculty was even worse. He had to do something, he was the headmaster.
Sharon, the head of the Drama team came up to him. "Mr. Wood, what are we going to do for our play? We were going to do Star Wars but…"
Robin nodded and then his eyes lit up. "Say, Sharon, I want you to do a parody. A really funny parody."
"About what?"
"I don't know. Surprise me." Robin shrugged, "Just have the Parody done by the end of the week."
"Sharon's jaw dropped. "Yes… yes sir."
XXX
"A week?" Joanna said as she and the other Drama team members gathered around the stage. "We can't produce and perform a play in a week!"
"I know but things have been tense around here since Darth Vader revealed himself." Sharon said, "Our teachers need a laugh or two."
"And having a teacher as a puppet walking around isn't funny enough?"
"I read about what they went through and it's funny." Elizabeth said as she held up a paper. "They never talked about it being funny though."
Sharon's eyes lit up. "Hey… we can parody what happens to Buffy and her friends before the great summoning."
Jennifer frowned. "Are you sure that's a good idea? I tried to talk to Mr. Angel about his past but it's hard for him as well as the others."
"Oh don't worry. We won't go into details. Besides, they probably don't remember the good stuff that happened. We have copies of Giles' journal, and we can talk to the faculty separately. It will be great. First, we need to get all the info we can and then we can start casting roles."
XXX
"Does anyone know what was going on?" Buffy asked as she, Angel, and the others walked into the auditorium.
"I don't know. Just this flyer." Angel said as he held up the paper that said, "Major play tonight, everyone attend."
"Wonder what the play's about." Buffy wondered as she took her seat next to Spike and Illyria. Xander and the others sat the other side of him. In a rare moment, all of the faculty and trainers had gathered in one spot.
"No idea." Spike replied, "They kept it top secret. Not even Robin knew. All he knew is that it's supposed to be funny."
The lights dimmed and the Sharon the Narrator walked on. "Hello, this is a parody of what happens. All historical events may be distorted for humor and because it may be disturbing otherwise. This does not reflect our feelings towards you in any way. We respect you a lot. Now, on with our play." She bowed her head and walked to the side. "It all began many years ago in a far away land called L.A."
Sweet music came out of the speaker as Dorothy came out wearing a school girl's outfit while sucking on a lollypop.
"Buffy was a nice normal girl who went to Hermany High School." The Narrator said as she read her note cards.
"Oh no." Buffy moaned as she put her hands in her head.
Stage Buffy looked around and said, "Hi, I'm Buffy Summers. I like to shop, date, and well… shop." Stage Buffy skipped around.
The Narrator said, "But, then, Buffy got a calling."
A phone rang off stage and Stage Buffy said, "I got it." She reached off stage and a voice boomed.
"Buffy Anne Summers, you have been chosen to be a vampire slayer. You are destined to destroy vampires, demons, and cause mass damage wherever you are."
"Yeah right." Stage Buffy scoffed and slammed the phone as the real Buffy tensed up.
"It's not like that." Buffy hissed.
"Relax, Buffy, it's a parody." Angel whispered.
At that moment, a girl wearing a long black trenchcoat and a huge spiky wig walked on carrying a bush and sat down behind Stage Buffy.
Stage Buffy ranted, "I'm just a normal girl. There are no such things as vampires, demons and I don't destroy stuff." She flung the phone out and hit the girl in the bushes.
"Ow!"
Stage Buffy looked around and asked, "Did you hear that? Who's out there?"
The girl in the bushes said, "No one."
"Ah… okay." Stage Buffy skipped away and laughter came out of the audience.
Buffy blushed as the others looked at her. "I'm not that dense."
"Ow…" The girl in the trenchcoat came out of the bush and said in a loud whisper, "Hi, I'm Angel, I'm a vampire but I'm different. You see, I have a soul. I'm sent here to watch Buffy and help her when I could. But, don't tell her. She will kill me. Okay?"
"Sure thing, Peaches!" Spike yelled out. "I didn't know you stalked her back then." He said to the real Angel.
Angel fidgeted, "Well, what she said was true."
Stage Angel gulped as she put up her bush and Stage Buffy came back out followed by more girls carrying tombstones.
"I feel like I'm being followed." Stage Buffy said confused as she looked around.
All of a sudden, the girls came out of the tombstones with cat masks. "Roar!"
"Oh my god! Vampires are real!" Stage Buffy gasped and ran off with the girls in the cat masks and Stage Angel still carrying the bush followed.
Fake sounds of fighting came off stage and Stage Buffy came back on with a torn uniform covered in dust. Stage Angel came on as well but covered in dust. "Okay… maybe I am a vampire slayer." Stage Buffy sighed, "But I will lead a nice normal life."
"Yeah right!" The audience yelled out.
Stage Buffy pouted. "Why not? We can do anything we put our minds to. Right now, I have a dance to go to." She went to the side and Stage Angel followed. Stage Angel held up a pair of binoculars and then dropped them while blushing.
Stage Buffy came back wearing a prom dress. "I'm all set for my dance." She announced. "Nothing will happen." She turned around and a group of 'vampires' and Stage Angel followed her off stage.
Smoke came out of the side and screams followed. The 'vampires' and Stage Angel ran off covered in fake paper flames and Stage Buffy came back out with a blow torch. "Oops. Don't tell anyone but I burnt down the gym." Sirens rang and Stage Buffy gulped and ran off.
The Narrator chuckled and said, "And so that's the beginning of Buffy's tendency of destroying public property!"
The audience laughed and Buffy scowled. "Hey! I didn't destroy that much! Those other times weren't my fault!"
"Yeah, sure." Robin muttered.
The Narrator looked at the audience. "And so, after that disaster, Buffy was expelled and she got sent to Sunnydale."
A sign with Sunnydale on it came on and Stage Buffy carried a pair of luggage and said, "I'm off to Sunnydale. It should be more peaceful than L.A. I mean, what could happen in Sunnydale?"
"Everything!" Xander yelled.
Stage Buffy shrugged and walked off. Stage Angel with the bush and several 'vampires' followed her off stage.
"Say, don't you think that it's strange that you're being played by a girl?" Gunn asked from the back seat.
Angel shrugged. "Not really, everyone on the drama team are girls and besides, in Shakespeare's time, all of the plays are done by men and boys."
"So… all the scenes between Romeo and Juliet were played by two guys?" Gunn asked. "Wonder how they would treat the romance here?"
The theme from the Andy Griffith show came on and Stage Buffy walked back on with luggage in hand. "And so, Buffy came to Sunnydale." The Narrator said as she walked to the side. "It is a nice peaceful town where nothing happens." Stage Buffy put down her luggage and smiled. "Until, Buffy shows up." The music became ominous.
"That's not true! There were thirteen graveyards in there!" Buffy yelled.
Stage Angel came up from behind the bush and gulped. "Excuse me."
Stage Buffy looked at the stage vampire. "Yes?"
"I am here to warn you that trouble is coming." Stage Angel whispered, "You have to be careful. The hellmouth is opening and you must stop it and look cute while doing it. Oh, I got you a present." Stage Angel put on a pair of oven mitts and hand a huge cross necklace to her. "Here you go."
"Aww… thanks!" Stage Buffy gushed as she accepted it. "But, who are you and why are you wearing oven mitts?"
"I am… a friend and I like to cook." Stage Angel said dramatically as she picked up the bush and duck behind it.
"Wow, a tall dark handsome man just gave me a present! Sunnydale is great!" Stage Buffy gushed as she hugged the cross.
Angel and Buffy looked at each other as they remembered that event. "Well, I don't think it's like that." Buffy confessed.
Stage Buffy pranced on and met up with a redhead girl, another girl wearing an eyepatch, and a girl dressed in a brown suit, glasses, and carrying a huge book.
"Hi, I'm Buffy, I just came into town."
"I'm Willow, I love computers!"
"I'm Giles, I love books."
"And I'm Xander, I love girls."
"Why is Xander wearing an eyepatch?" Buffy wondered.
"Maybe, to distinguish Xander from the others?" Angel guessed.
Stage Buffy looked at the audience. "This is great, I have some nice normal friends who don't know a thing about vampires. I will finally lead a nice normal life."
Stage Giles adjusted her glasses and said, "Actually, I am a watcher. I am sent here to help you with your slaying duties. A slayer slays and a watcher…"
"Watches?" Stage Buffy guessed.
"Yes well… no. You see, there's a group of stuffy English guys like me who help Slayers go off to their doom while looking good." Stage Giles said, "Now, let's go training."
"Oh… can't you send that cute mysterious guy to train me instead. He's hot." Stage Buffy said as she twirled her hair.
"What cute mysterious guy?" Stage Xander asked. "What's his name?"
"I don't know his name but I know that he's cute and mysterious."
Stage Angel walked on with her bush and put both hands on her face. "Awww…"
"I don't know any mysterious men." Stage Giles said, "You must be careful."
"I'm careful and I have great taste in men." Stage Buffy pouted.
"No you don't!" Xander yelled and then Spike slapped him on the back of the head.
"Yes, I do." Stage Buffy came up to the edge of the stage.
"No, you don't!"
"Yes, I do."
"No, you don't."
Stage Buffy paused. "No, I don't."
"Yes, you do." Xander said firmly. Then, he closed his mouth. "D'oh!"
Stage Xander sighed, "I feel so sorry for that guy."
The Narrator cleared her throat. "Anyway, after that meeting all sorts of things happened."
"Like what?" Everyone on stage asked at once.
"Oh well…" The Narrator said as she walked off to the side. She gasped as a pair of claws grabbed her and pulled her out.
A girl dressed up in a felt praying mantis costume showed up and walked up to Stage Xander. "Hi, I like you."
"Yes! Someone who likes me and is not attracted to that handsome guy that Buffy likes so much." Stage Xander gushed. The mantis girl took Stage Xander by the hand and walked off stage. Stage Xander screamed and ran back out with the mantis girl running after him with a knife and fork. "Help!"
"I'll save you!" Stage Buffy said heroically as she ran after the mantis girl with an ax.
"And you say that I have lousy taste in men." Buffy scoffed to Xander. Xander looked down.
"You have to be more careful." Stage Buffy warned Stage Xander. "You never know what's going to happen."
"I will." Stage Xander promised as he walked to the side with a group of other girls. All of a sudden, hyena masks fell on them and they picked them out. "Howl!" Stage Xander howled and ran after Stage Willow.
"Eek!" Stage Willow squeaked and ran off. Stage Giles and Stage Buffy chased after Stage Xander around the stage and finally Stage Giles and Stage Buffy tackled Stage Xander and ripped off her mask.
"What happened?"
"I thought you were going to be more careful." Stage Buffy warned.
"I didn't know that was going to happen." Stage Xander sighed.
"You never know what's a demon around here." Stage Buffy said as Stage Angel came up wearing a cat mask. "Hi, An-gel… oh my god, you're a vampire!"
"Oops." Stage Angel took off her mask and ran off and Stage Buffy and the others chased after her. "But, I have a soul."
"So?" Stage Xander as she held up a crossbow.
"So, I'm good. See?" Stage Angel held up a sign that said 'Good'.
"Okay. You can go." Stage Buffy said as Stage Angel ran off. The girl sighed. "Why did I have to fall in love with a vampire? Oh well, I just don't have to fall for another vampire again!"
"Yeah right." There was a chorus from the audience.
"You have nothing to worry. They made up later." The Narrator said as she looked at the Buffy and Angel in the audience. "Now… after Angel was revealed to be a vampire and give us a hint of the tangle web known as the Sunnydale love life was to come."
"Our love life wasn't that complicated!" Xander yelled.
"And this is coming from a guy who was engage to a thousand year old ex-vengeance demon." Buffy stared at him.
"The faculty here has had sex at least once with someone else who works here." The Narrator said as she pulled out a chart which looked like a giant knot. "See?"
"Just move on with the program!" Someone else yelled.
"Okay.. okay…" The Narrator said as she looked up her cue cards. "Let's see… Willow was attacked by her cyberboyfriend. She wasn't gay at the time. An organ stealing demon was terrorizing a talent show but was stopped by a puppet demon hunter. Hey, how original."
Everyone except for Spike fought the urge to look at Angel.
"And…" All of a sudden, there was a scream from off stage. At once, everyone looked to see Stage Giles clutching his head in agony. "What's wrong, Giles?"
"I… I CAN'T READ!" Stage Giles wailed at the top of her lungs.
Stage Buffy stumbled in with a cat mask on. "I… I'm a vampire!"
Stage Xander peeked from behind the curtains. "I'm naked!"
"GAH!" Stage Buffy and Stage Giles yelled as they turned around and covered their eyes.
"Oh no! Everyone's nightmares are coming true!" The Narrator gasped. "What other horrible thing will happen?"
Stage Willow and Stage Angel came on. "I… I have to do this." Stage Willow said and they started to sing badly.
The others on the stage held their ears and ran off. "Oh the agony!" Spike mocked and then looked at Willow. "No offense."
Willow blushed. "That's okay… I never liked singing but I don't remember Angel being there."
"I wasn't but I guess they just wanted to adjust the facts a little." Angel replied and then fidgeted. "I wonder how far they will go?"
After the bad song, the Narrator waved her hands, "Since we have so much to cover, I shall use my omnipotent powers as a Narrator and make this go away."
At once, everyone returned to normal and the Narrator brushed her hands. "Ah, it feels so good to be the Narrator. Now…"
"You must not interfere." A girl wearing a dark suit with a demon mask came on. "I am… The Master."
"The Master of what?" The Narrator asked.
The Master paused and replied, "I don't know. Now, give me the stage!"
"Not if we have anything to say about it!" Stage Buffy said as she and the others stood bravely. "We will defeat you."
"Yeah right. I'm strong. In fact, I'm Angel's grandsire." Stage Master said as he pointed to Stage Angel.
"Grandpa!" Stage Angel gasped, "Buffy, you better be careful. He's a dangerous vampire, he's ancient."
"And that he's destined to kill you." Stage Giles said.
"What! I can't get killed by him! I'm only sixteen! I have cars to wreck, towns to destroy, and vampires to have sex with!" Stage Buffy cried out.
"I didn't wreck any cars, there was only one town and don't you dare bring Angel and Spike into this!" Buffy yelled as she blushed with everyone looking at her.
"I will kill you." Stage Master proclaimed as he walked up and attacked the group. He flung Stage Xander to the side and kicked Stage Angel down.
"Ya!" Stage Buffy jumped up and sparred with Stage Master. She ducked to the side and said, "Okay, it's time for my ultimate attack." She cupped her hands and said, "Kame… hame…"
"You know that doesn't work in real life!" The Narrator yelled.
"It doesn't?" Stage Buffy stopped and then the Stage Master flung her across the room and there was a splash. The Stage Master ran after her off stage and then a skeleton was flung out.
"Yes, she stopped the Master!" The Narrator cheered.
"That's less detailed than I thought." Buffy muttered.
"Well, they had so much to cover." Angel said as he tensed slightly.
"Oh my god!" Stage Angel brought Stage Buffy out. "Buffy's dead!"
"Not if I have anything to say about it." Stage Xander said as Stage Angel laid Stage Buffy out. With his back turned to the audience, Stage Xander performed CPR. "Breathe!"
Stage Buffy sat up and gasped loudly.
"She's okay!" The Narrator announced and the audience cheered.
"Was I dead?" Stage Buffy asked as she was helped up.
"For a minute, yeah." Stage Angel replied.
"But…" Stage Buffy pointed to Stage Giles. "You told me that I'm going to die."
"Well… that prophesy said so but you did technically die so the prophesy has been fulfilled."
"What! That's the stupidest thing I had ever heard of!" Stage Buffy screamed as she ran after Stage Giles throwing stuff. Everyone else laughed as Stage Giles jumped off the stage with Stage Buffy throwing teddy bears. In her rage, she picked up Angel and flung him at Stage Giles.
Stage Giles caught the puppet and put him down. "Sorry about that. Buffy! Don't you dare toss your boyfriend around like that, young lady!" The actress yelled at Stage Buffy.
Buffy moaned as she buried her head in her hands. Angel sat down beside her again. "Relax, they are having fun."
"Yeah, but it's my life."
To Be Continued…