Opening Montage
Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nelltes
We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. This gives way to Daria receiving a notice that she's been hired by NBC, which cuts to a shot of her moving into a New York apartment. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...
Life After Thirty
created by
WildDogJJ
this episode:
"Child Disservices"
Quinn and Jim's house, day...
The outside of the house looks no different from when we last saw it eight years ago. The only thing that's different is the cars in the driveway. Quinn now drives a white 2014 Cadillac CTS sedan while Jim now drives a blue 2016 Camaro ZL1. Inside the house is more modern furniture and childrens toys. The family dog is now a beige greyhound with black stripes named, what else, Stripe (Storm having died of old age recently). Quinn is in the kitchen baking a cake. A tripod mounted camera captures every minute. She takes the cake out of the oven and begins to frost it, speaking to the camera as she does.
"And...viola! A perfect chocolate cake. Now, lets see how Sandi's doing."
Later, she's in the backyard patio with the camera. Sandi has been sunbathing with a cake batter mask. Quinn removes the dried batter from Sandi's face and hands her a mirror. Sandi is pleased with the results.
"Wow, Quinn! Chocolate cake batter can be used as an exfoliant!"
Quinn said "Duh, Sandi."
She now faces the camera.
"Join me next time for another exciting addition of Smores 'n' Pores, cooking good while looking good."
Quinn shuts off the camera. Sandi now frowns.
"I can't believe I risked an outbreak to prank your viewers."
Quinn said "Well, no one takes my makeup tips seriously so what's the harm? This is more about comedy anyway. Did you have fun?"
Sighing, Sandi said "No."
She takes a small bottle of vodka out of her purse and downs a shot. She then looks at her wedding ring.
"I can't stop thinking about...Joey."
Quinn said "Sandi, I'm sorry." She notices the ring. "You're still wearing the ring!?"
Sandi said "I ...I can't help it. I love him so much."
Quinn reminded her "He was cheating on you with a barely legal slut. You've been divorced for nine months now. You need to move on."
"B-but what if he still loves me and comes back?"
Quinn rolls her eyes knowing how unlikely that is to happen.
Meanwhile, in the basement...
Jim, Chuck, Mack and Kevin are in the rec room drinking beer and talking. Mack is talking about his latest sexual conquest.
"...so I finally gave her a fake number and she left. Why do they get so clingy?"
Jim said "Maybe you should've told her from the get go that it was just a booty call."
Kevin decided to change the subject.
"I, like, heard this guy on the radio say climate change is, like, a communist lie."
Chuck deadpanned "Was his name Rush Limbaugh?"
Kevin scratched his head in thought.
"Uhhhh...I don't know. Anyway, I say let the climate change. We can, like, grow oranges in Alaska."
In a sarcastic tone, Jim said "Great idea. There's just one problem, we live in New Jersey."
Kevin said "So?"
Chuck said "So, if it's warm enough to grow oranges in Alaska how warm do you think it'll be here?"
Kevin looks confused.
"I dunno."
The other three guys roll their eyes.
Meanwhile, at Lewis Elementary School...
The school looks like Lawndale High in miniature. At the playground, the first graders and fourth graders are at recess. Among the fourth graders is nine year old Charles Ruttheimer the fourth, or Chucky as he's more commonly known. Chuckie looks like his father except that his red hair is long and shaggy and his face is always expressionless. Among the first graders are triplets Tommy, Timmy and Teddy Carbone. They are Quinn and Jim's sons. All three have red hair like their mother, but cut short. Tommy is skinny and active looking while Timmy is overwieght. Teddy has Tommy's build but wears thick rimmed glasses similar to those once worn by his aunt, Daria. While Tommy is showing off his yo-yo skills to an impressed crowd that includes Timmy, Teddy is sitting on a bench reading "Heart of Darkness".
"Wow!" exclaimed the other kids in unison as Tommy wraps his yo-yo around the top of the jungle jim. Chucky walks by. He looks at Teddy, sitting alone and reading. He then looks at Tommy and Timmy. In an apathetic monotone, Chucky said "You're brother's weird." With that, he walks off.
"Tommy, why is Teddy reading by himself?" asked a brunette girl.
Tommy said "He's just weird, Quinn."
The girls name is Quinn Ruttheimer. She's Chuck and Stacy's daughter. Changing the subject, she said "That trick was so cool, Tommy."
Tommy said "Duh!"
At this point, three other first graders walk up to the crowd. Two of them are big, strong boys with dark hair and facial expressions that indicate they're not too bright. Their name's are Al and Lou. The third boy, who's obviously the leader while Al and Lou are his followers, is dressed in designer clothes and walks with a regal strut. His facial expression is a cocky grin. He has brown hair and green eyes. His name is Shane Sloan. He's Tom Sloan's son.
"Hey," said Shane, "You know, yo-yo tricks are for babies."
Timmy said "But, Tommy's not a baby."
Pointing at Timmy's plump form, Shane said "I wasn't talking to you, Titty."
Timmy covers his chest. He's sensitive about the man-boobs.
Shane continued "You wanna see something cool? Check this out."
He picks a small pebble off of the ground and throws it at the bench where Teddy's reading. The sound of the rock hitting the bench disturbs Teddy's reading. He looks up and sees Shane laughing. The other kids join in, including Tommy and Timmy. Teddy rolls his eyes and resumes reading. Shane picks up another pebble and hands it to Tommy.
"Try it."
Tommy looks doubtful, which Shane notices. In a condescending tone, he said "Come on, Tommy. Aren't you cool?"
"Yeah, I'm cool."
Smirking, Shane said "Prove it."
Without any hesitation, Tommy throws the rock at his brother. Teddy looks up and narrows his eyes menacingly at Tommy. When he resumes reading, Shane picks up a third rock and hands it to Timmy.
"Come on, Titty. Give it a try."
Nervous, Timmy said "But, what if I get in trouble?"
Tommy said "Come on, Timmy. I just threw one."
Shane snarked "I feel sorry for you, Tommy. One of your brothers is a brain and the other is a fat chicken with boobs."
Tommy, fearing a loss of status, said "Come on, Timmy. Don't be a wuss."
Timmy hesitates. All the other kids start chanting.
"THROW IT! THROW IT! THROW IT!"
Feeling the pressure, Timmy throws the rock. It hits Teddy square in his right eye and breaks his glasses. The other kids cheer. At this point, Chucky walks by again. He speaks once again in an apathetic monotone.
"You broke your brother's glasses."
A few hours later...
Quinn is driving her Cadillac from the optomotrist's office. All three of her boys are in the back seat. She's not happy because she just had to get new glasses for Teddy, who now has a black eye.
"How could you do that?," she angrily said, "Throw a rock at you brother like that."
Timmy said "Shane Sloan said it was cool."
Teddy deadpanned "Well, then it must be cool."
Quinn shakes her head. Teddy had his aunts anti-social tendencies and her sarcasm.
"Shane's not cool."
Tommy said "But, he can do anything he wants."
Quinn said "That doesn't make him cool, it makes him a spoiled brat. Now, about your punishment."
Timmy protested "But Mom, Shane never gets punished."
Quinn said "Well, you are. The cost of you brother's new glasses is coming from your and Tommy's allowances."
Tommy is now livid.
"But I didn't break his glasses."
Quinn said "You participated in the rock throwing, that makes you just as guilty."
"But, Mom..."
"No buts, you two."
Tommy and Timmy sigh. Quinn pulls the car into the parking lot of Food Lord.
"I need to get some things. Come on."
The three boys follow Quinn out of the car.
Inside Food Lord, a short time later...
Quinn is talking to a stock clerk.
"Excuse me, but where's the dog food?"
The stock boy, a scruffy looking teenager, said "Um...What?"
Quinn said "Dog food."
The stock boy said "Do we even carry pet food?"
Losing her patience, Quinn said "You work here, so you should know."
The stock boy said "Whatever."
He puts ear buds on and listens to his IPod at peak volume.
"HEY!" Quinn barked, "I'd like to speak to your manager. HEY, DON'T IGNORE ME! I'M A CUSTOMER!"
A couple of women overhear Quinn yelling at the stock boy.
"That's the 'Smores 'n' Pores' girl. She sure has a temper."
"Make's you wonder how one of her boys wound up with that black eye, doesn't it."
Another customer overhears. He pulls out his smart phone.
"You are not gonna believe what I just heard."
Over the next few days...
The Lawndale rumor kicks into high gear and the rumor spreads across town like a wild fire. Each retelling of the story becomes more outlandish.
"I heard Quinn Carbone beat up a grocery store clerk after giving her son a black eye."
"Have you heard? Teddy Carbone is so anti-social because Quinn beats him up."
"I heard that Quinn beats her kids with a steel chain."
"Apparently, Quinn and Jim like to torture their kids by beating them with lead pipes."
"One time, Quinn's husband threatened to report her to the police and she nearly choked him to death."
"I heard Quinn tried to drown all three of her boys in the pool."
"Did you hear? Quinn Carbone tried to kill her kids."
"I heard that she molests her boys too."
"Quinn put one of her kids through a window face first."
Quinn and Jim's house, day...
Quinn and Jim are watching TV. The doorbell rings. Quinn said "Who could that be?"
She and Jim both answer the door. Standing there is a very skinny man with red hair, a button shirt with pocket protector and a clip board.
"Hi," he said in a nasally voice, "I'm Artie. I'm with Carter County Child Protective Services."
Quinn and Jim both gasp.
Quinn and Jim's Living Room, a short time later...
Artie is interviewing Quinn and Jim. He said "Some disturbing anonymous reports came in about how both of you, Mrs. Carbone in particular, treat your children. I've been tasked with conducting an investigation."
Quinn said "This is ridiculous. We don't abuse our children."
Looking at Jim, Artie asked "How would you describe your wife's conduct toward the boys?"
Before Jim can answer, Quinn said "I don't abuse my children in any way, shape or form."
Artie said "Mrs. Carbone, please. Let your husband talk."
Jim said "We don't abuse our boys."
Artie said "How do you discipline them, then?"
Before Jim can answer Quinn said "That's none of your business!"
Artie said "This is a child services investigation to determine if you and your husband are fit parents. That makes it very much my business. Second, I want to hear you husbands side of the story first."
Quinn folds he arms and rapidly loses her patience. Jim said "Well, you really need to ask Quinn that."
Suspicious, Artie said "So, you're afraid to speak your mind in your wife's presence?"
Offended by the insinuation, Quinn said "Now, hold on..."
Jim interrupts Quinn, saying "I'm not afraid of my wife. It's just that my own father was no prize as a parent and I'm afraid of repeating his mistakes. To that end we agreed that Quinn would be the primary disciplinarian and I'd follow her example."
"I see," said Artie. Turning his attention to Quinn, he asked "So, how do you discipline the boys?"
Quinn said "When they misbehave we take away toys and privilages."
Artie said "So, you're saying you don't hit them. What about spanking?"
Quinn said "I don't believe in corporal punishment."
Artie, not buying it, said "So you say. How would you describe your children?"
Jim said "They're good kids. Sure, they get out of line once in a while, but what kid doesn't."
"I see."
Quinn said "Jim, honey, maybe I should handle this."
Artie said "How would you describe your children individually?"
Jim said "Well.."
Quinn interrupts him.
"Tommy is very outgoing and makes friends easy, so I guess he takes after me. Timmy follows Tommy around and wants to be like him, he takes more after his father. Teddy, on the other hand, is a loner who prefers reading books to socializing with others his age. He takes after my sister."
Artie said "So, the one you gave a black eye reminds you of your sister. Is it possible you're projecting sibling rivalry onto him?"
Offended, Quinn said "That's ridiculous. Teddy got a black eye because other kids threw rocks at him the other day at school."
Jim added "Sure, she and her sister had their issues growing up, but they get along great now."
"Jim," Quinn hissed, "Lat me handle this."
(They really have turned into Helen and Jake.)
Artie finally said "Here's what I think based on this interview." Reading aloud from his notes, Artie said "Quinn is a control freak who projects hostility onto her husband and children. Jim suffers from insecurities about his masculinity which his wife takes full advantage of as he abdicates all responsibility for the children and blindly follows Quinn's lead. Quinn clearly favors Tommy and likely leaves Timmy alone since he follows her favorite. I believe this has resulted in Teddy being abused physically as an outlet for the lingering hostility Quinn feels toward her own sister."
Jim angrily said "That's asinine! Your assessment couldn't be farther from the truth if it tried."
Artie said "Mr. Carbone, please. Now you're projecting hostility. I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that I believe this is a very unhealthy home for children. The good news is that I don't have enough evidence to legally remove your kids and will have to conduct further investigations. In the mean time, I suggest you only show positive emotions. No raised voices, no arguments, and no stern lectures."
Quinn said "No stern lectures! Are you kidding me!?"
Artie said "It's detrimental to their self esteem. You want to keep your kids, you need to make this a healthier home. Validation, not discipline. Have a nice day."
With that, Artie left. Quinn and Jim are now seriously worried that their kids might be taken away from them.
Kevin and Brittany's house, a short time later...
Artie is now interviewing Kevin. He figured that since Kevin and Brittany live right next door they might be able to tell him what he believes Quinn and Jim won't.
"So, Mr. Thompson, how long have you known the Carbones?"
Kevin said "I've known Quinn since high school. I met Jim when he and Quinn first started dating right after she finished college...I think. It's kind of a blur."
Artie said "I see."
Kevin said "You know, I was the QB back in high school."
Artie looks skeptical due to the fact that Kevin now has a huge beer gut and wears a Philadelphia Eagles cap to hide his baldness. At this moment, Brittany walks by in a form fitting dress that shows off her still fit yet curvy body.
"Kevie, Daryl's here?"
Kevin said "He's driving you to the gym? What a nice guy."
Brittany said "He's great! Don't wait up for me, babe."
"Long workout?"
Looking guilty, Brittany said "Um...Yeah."
"Cool."
Outside, a short time later...
Music: "Callin' Dr. Love" by Kiss
Brittany hops into Daryl's car. Her large, handsome, muscular black personal trainer said "Ready for some sex cardio?"
Brittany said "You bet, my big, black stud."
They kiss passionately.
Meanwhile, inside the house...
Kevin is being interviewed by Artie. Artie asked "So, you've never seen Quinn or Jim abuse their kids?"
Kevin said "No, but don't take my word for it. My youngest kid is friends with all three of those boys. KEVIN JUNIOR, COULD YOU COME HERE A SECOND?"
Six year old Kevin Thompson Junior walks in. The first thing one would notice about the boy is that he's black...just like Daryl.
"Hey, Dad. What's going on?"
Kevin asked "Have you ever seen Mr. or Mrs. Carbone hit their kids?"
Kevin Jr. said "No. Mr. and Mrs. Carbone are really nice."
"Thanks. See, I told you."
After Kevin Jr. leaves, Artie asked "Is your youngest adopted?"
Kevin proudly proclaimed "Nope, that boy's my flesh and blood. I actually produced a black kid. Pretty cool, huh?"
Artie rolls his eyes as it's obvious Kevin really believes that.
Later, at Chuck and Stacy's house...
Artie is now interviewing Stacy and Chuck. Stacy said "Are you crazy!? Quinn loves her boys more than anything."
Artie said "That's not what I saw. I saw an environment toxic for healthy children."
Chuck said "We're over there all the time. They love their kids."
Artie said "Are you sure?"
Stacy said "I'm an investigative journalist. If those boys were being abused I'd definitely pick up on something."
Artie accused "Or try to cover up for a friend."
Stacy is VERY offended by the accusation.
"How DARE you question my personal and professional integrity!"
Chuck angrily told Artie "I think you'd better leave!"
Sandi's house...
Artie is now interviewing Sandi, who is nursing a bottle of scotch.
"So, you've never seen anything suspicious?"
Sandi said "No. Quinn and Jim would never do anything to hurt their kids."
"I see."
At this point, Artie notices the wedding photo of Sandi and Joey.
"Is your husband around?"
Sandi said "You mean EX-husband, who ditched me for a skanky piece of jailbait?"
Artie said "I'm so sorry."
"Don't be, Joey was a jerk. Thing is...I..."
She's about to cry. Artie said "It'll be okay."
Regaining her composure, Sandi said "Thank you. By the way, are you single?"
Artie, who can't believe a still hot (despite the drinking) Sandi would want a geek like him said "Um, Why?"
Sandi grabs Artie's shirt. He can smell the scotch on her breath. She said "You don't understand. I...I'm...I'M SOOO LONELY!"
She sobs uncontrollably. Artie is now so freaked that he shoves her off of him and runs away.
Quinn and Jim's backyard, the next day...
Timmy, Tommy and Kevin Jr. are playing with action figures while Teddy is in a corner reading "Animal Farm". Kevin Jr. holds up a figure that looks like a samurai with metal spikes in his armor. Imitating a deep, menacing voice, Kevin Jr. said "Now, you accursed turtles will die."
Tommy holds up a turtle figure with a red bandanna while Timmy holds up one with a blue bandanna. Tommy, in a fake New York accent, said "That's what you think, Shredder."
They make the figures play fight. Timmy called out "Hey, Teddy, wanna join us?"
Rolling his eyes, Teddy said "No, I have better things to do than play with toy turtles."
"Weirdo." said Tommy.
Kevin Jr. said "Speaking of weird, this dork showed up at our house the other day. He thinks your parents hit you. Do they?"
Tommy said "No way."
Timmy said "Our Dad told us his Dad used to hit him, but he'd never hit us."
Tommy added "Yeah, and Mom never hits us either."
On the other side of the fence Artie walks by. The only words he hears, however, are "Mom" and "hits us".
"I knew it!"
Later that day...
Quinn, Jim and their three sons are having dinner. Tommy decides to act up.
"Why do we have to eat vegetables?"
Quinn said "Because they're good for you."
Teddy has already finished his vegetables. He said "They taste like shit."
Quinn sternly said "What have I told you boys about using that kind of language?"
Nervous, Jim said "Um, Quinn, the investigation. We can't punish them. We can't even yell at them."
Quinn now looks frightened. She calmly said "You know, I don't like that kind of language."
Teddy said "Yet you won't let us express ourselves."
Tommy said "That means I can say piss, and f%&$!"
Timmy added "So, I can say c&%# now?"
Quinn looks ready to loose it, which Jim notices.
"Honey, child services investigation."
Quinn immediately calms down.
"Now that you mention it, you boys can say whatever you want from now on."
Teddy has a Daria like smirk. The doorbell rings. Quinn said "I'll get it."
She answers the door. It's Artie. He looks determined.
"I want to speak with all three of your boys, right now."
Quinn looks absolutely terrified.
"Boys, could you come here for a second."
All three boys respond to their mother's call. Artie asked "How are you boys?"
Tommy said "We're good."
With a smug grin, Teddy said "Mom won't let us say certain words at the table."
Taken aback, Quinn said "I don't want my kids swearing! What's wrong with that?"
Artie said "You forbid your children to express themselves!? What kind of mother are you!?"
Quinn now silently seethes with rage while Artie turns his attention to the boys.
"I know that your parents mistreat you. Would you like to come with me? I'll take you out of this toxic environment and place you in a nice, loving home."
Now, Quinn loses it.
"YOU'LL DO KNOW SUCH THING!"
Ignoring her, Artie said to the boys "I know your mother beats you and I know you can't express yourselves honestly in front of her. I'm here to put you up with a decent family."
Jim, having heard the commotion, approaches and asks "What's going on here?"
Artie said "I'm taking your kids and placing them in foster care."
Quinn, channeling her inner Helen, said "Do you have a court order?"
"No."
"Then you aren't taking my boys anywhere."
Artie said "It's for their own good, Mrs. Carbone."
Jim gets right in Artie's face.
"You have no legal grounds to take our kids away."
"But...but..."
Jim said "Leave, or do we have to call the cops first?"
Artie said "This isn't over. I'll get the court order and then those kids will safely be taken away from you monsters."
Quinn shouted "GET OFF OF OUR PROPERTY!"
Artie backs away.
"YOU TWO ARE OUT OF CONTROL!" he said as Quinn slammed the door in his face. Quinn and Jim now exchanges worried looks. The three T's, on the other hand, are now thinking of all sorts of ways to take advantage of the situation.
Carter County Department of Children and Families, Downtown Lawndale, the next day...
Artie is seated in his supervisor's office. His supervisor is none other than Jodie Landon. She's reading his case file.
"So, you found no evidence of either physical, emotional or sexual abuse yet still recommended the triplets be forceably removed from the home. Care to explain?"
Arty said "Well, Ms. Landon, the parents are clearly unbalanced."
Skeptical, Jodie said "I see. Do you have any hard evidence, or is this just a gut reaction?"
Artie said "I interviewed friends and neighbors of the Carbones. I think the Ruttheimers are covering for them. Mr. Thompson is so clueless he isn't even aware that he's raising another man's son and Ms. Griffin is a drunken nympho."
Rolling her eyes, Jodie asked "And how does this indicate that Quinn and Jim are abusive parents?"
Artie said "They keep toxic company. That can't be good for the boys."
Growing more skeptical, Jodie said "I see." She looks at the case file. "I notice that they explained Theodore's black eye by saying he was hit by another kid at school. How is Janet, by the way?"
Raising an eyebrow, Artie asked "Who's Janet?"
Jodie said "She's a first grade teacher at Lewis Elementary. Janet Henderson. She's an old friend of mine."
Artie starts to look nervous, which Jodie notices.
"You did interview the kids teacher, didn't you?"
Shaking, Artie said "Um...No."
Raising an eyebrow, Jodie asked "Did you interview anyone at that school?"
Artie nervously said "I...Well, I didn't think it was necessary."
Jodie said "So you recommended extreme action when the only evidence is hearsay and your own imagination."
Artie sweats profusely, realizing he just botched things big time.
Jodie said "Unfortunately, this isn't the first time you've recommended breaking up a family without any evidence. What makes you think the kids are being abused?"
Artie said "I can't prove it, but I know in my gut that they are."
Rolling her eyes, Jodie said "Despite what our current President says, in this country it's still innocent until proven guilty."
Artie said "No one believed me about the aliens, either, but I know the truth. You have to believe me about this."
Jodie is NOT impressed.
"Artie, I'm afraid I have to let you go."
Artie gulps.
Quinn and Jim's house, that evening...
Teddy is sitting at the kitchen table reading "Paradise Lost" when the phone rings. He answers.
"Hello?"
On the other end of the line, Jodie said "Hi, this is Jodie Landon from Child Protective services. Are either of your parents available?"
Thinking fast, Teddy lied.
"No, can I take a message?"
Jodie said "Just tell them that the investigation's over and we're satisfied that you and your brothers are not being abused. Also, we apologize for the inconvenience."
"I will, bye."
"Bye."
With that, they both hang up. Quinn comes in the kitchen.
"Who was that, Teddy?"
"That was Child Services, Mom."
Quinn turns white as a sheet.
"Wh-What did they say?"
Thinking fast, Teddy said "They're satisfied that Tommy and Timmy aren't being abused, but they think I am. They want to keep an eye on us a little longer. They told me to report any mistreatment to them so that they can respond immediately, and they have a warrant to take me away if that happens."
Hugging her son, Quinn said "Oh, Teddy, I'd never hurt you. I promise to be a better mother from now on. Anything you want you can have."
Teddy smirks.
Why should my moron brothers have all the fun. Let's see how Tommy and Timmy like being ignored.
Over the following week...
Teddy monopolizes his mother's attention every chance he gets. The first thing he does is call his brothers a couple of retards at dinner. At first, Quinn gets angry.
"Teddy, you apologize to your brothers right now!"
Jim said "Quinn, investigation."
Teddy said "That's right, Mom. You have to let me express myself or they'll take me away."
Quinn softened and said "I'm sorry, Teddy. You can express yourself freely."
"Thanks, Mom."
"HEY!" said Tommy.
Timmy whined "That's not fair."
Teddy smirks.
Later, Tommy and Timmy are fighting over a toy. When Quinn tries to break up the fight Teddy called out "Mom, I wanna show you what I drew in art class today."
Quinn called back "I'm busy. Can it wait?"
Teddy said "I guess you want Child Services to take me away, then."
Quinn sighs as she let's her other two sons fight while giving her undivided attention to Teddy.
Later, Tommy is complaining to Teddy "Why are you hogging Mom's attention, freak?"
Teddy called out "MOM, TOMMY CALLED ME A FREAK!"
Quinn arrives.
"Tommy, you apologise to your brother right now."
Tommy grudgingly said "I'm sorry."
Teddy then called Tommy a dumbass.
"Mom, Teddy just insulted me."
Quinn, believing Teddy can have child services take him away if she disciplines him, said "You brother has a right to express himself. They won't take you and Tommy away like they'll take Teddy away."
Teddy smirks. It went on and on for a whole week. Teddy has his parents convinced that he can make abuse claims and be taken away if his parents don't give him preferential treatment. Tommy and Timmy resent being left out while Teddy hogs all of Quinn and Jim's attention, but they're powerless to do anything but complain. Teddy has Quinn and Jim over a barrel and he knows it. Or so he thinks...
The end of the week...
Jim is in the home office doing some paperwork when the phone rings. He answers.
"Hello?"
On the other end of the line, Jodie said "Hi, Mr. Carbone?"
"Speaking."
Jodie said "Jodie Landon, Child Services. Last week I called to tell you and your wife that the investigation was called off but one of your kids answered. I just wanted to make sure you got the message."
Jim said "I did." Now.
Jodie said "All right. Once again, sorry for the inconvenience. Bye."
With that, Jodie hangs up. Jim is now upset.
Teddy's room, a minute later...
Teddy's room doesn't look like a normal six year old boy's room. There's a bookshelf full of reading material much too advanced for a first grader while the walls are covered in posters of Kafka, Mark Twain, F. Scott Fitzgerald, George Orwell and many other literary greats. Teddy is sitting on his bed reading a copy of "The DaVinci Code" when his father enters.
"Teddy," said Jim.
Looking up from his book, Teddy said "Yes, Dad?"
Jim said "I just got an interesting phone call from child services. They said the investigation was called off last week."
Teddy immediately gulps. He is sooooo busted. Jim angrily continued "How could you lie to us like that? Do you have any idea how worried sick your mother and I have been?"
Jim immediately snatches Teddy's book from him.
"HEY!"
Jim said "That's for making fools out of us. Why did you do it, anyway?"
Teddy said "I didn't do it to be mean, honest."
Jim asked "Then why did you?"
Teddy said "Because Mom pays way more attention to Tommy and Timmy than she does to me. I just wanted to be loved as much as my brothers."
Softening his demeanor, Jim sits down next to his son.
"Teddy, your mother loves you and your brothers equally. We both do."
Teddy said "Mom pays more attention to Tommy and Timmy because they're normal. I think she thinks I'm a weirdo. I just figured if she thought I'd be taken away she'd pay more attention to me. I'm not like other kids, I know, but I can't help it. I can only be me."
Jim immediately goes from being angry to being sympathetic. He understands exactly where Teddy's coming from.
The Master Bedroom, later that evening...
Jim is sitting up in bed while Quinn lays down looking like she's being crushed by the weight of the world.
"It's so hard," she said, "When we decided to have children I never once thought we'd be in a situation where they could be taken away from us on a whim."
Jim said "Well, you can rest easy. Child Services called today. The investigation was called off over a week ago."
Quinn immediately sits up.
"WHAT!?"
Jim said "Teddy lied when he said they would take him away if he reported us."
Absolutely livid, Quinn hissed "I'm gonna kill him."
Jim said "Relax, Quinn. I took his latest book away as a punishment."
Noticing how calm her husband is, Quinn asked "How can you be so easy going about this?"
Jim said "Because I'm less concerned with what Teddy did and more concerned with why he did it. He thinks you love his brothers more than you love him."
Quinn said "That's crazy!"
Jim said "To be honest, you do spend more time with Tommy and Timmy than you do with Teddy."
Quinn said "That's because Teddy's so smart and he's a loner. I just assumed he didn't need or want as much attention."
Jim explained "Well, he thinks you don't care about him because he's different."
Quinn said "That's crazy, Jim. I love all three of our sons equally."
Jim said "I know that, but does Teddy? As intellectually gifted as he is, he's still just a little boy."
Quinn immediately calms down and looks thoughtful.
Pizza King, the following evening...
Quinn and Teddy are seated at a table having pizza. Teddy said "This is great, Mom. Thanks."
Quinn said "Teddy, your father told me how you lied about us still being under investigation."
Teddy looks worried, which Quinn notices.
"Don't worry, Teddy, I'm not mad. I was told you did it because you thought I wasn't giving you enough attention. Is that true?"
Teddy said "Mom, promise you won't get mad?"
Quinn, sensing her sons distress, said "I promise."
Teddy explained "You always seemed to give Tommy and Timmy more attention than you gave me. I thought it was because I'm weird."
Concerned, Quinn asked "What makes you think you're weird?"
Teddy said "Mom, I prefer reading and having grown up conversations to playing with kids my own age. For a six year old that's weird."
Quinn puts a reassuring hand on her sons shoulder.
"Teddy, you're not weird, you're just you. I wouldn't ever want you to be anyone else."
Teddy asked "Then why don't you give me as much attention as you give Tommy and Timmy."
Quinn said "I didn't think you wanted it. I just assumed as long as you were left alone you were happy."
Teddy said "While that's generally true, sometimes it can seem like you think less of me because I'm a brain."
Quinn said "I don't think that. Teddy, you have an amazing gift. I'm actually proud of you for being so smart."
Teddy's face lights up.
"Really?"
Quinn said "Of course. If you're ever feeling left out again just let me know. You and your brothers come first, always. Just ask if you want to spend more time with me."
Teddy said "I will. Thanks, Mom."
Quinn and Teddy hug.
"Just remember, Teddy, I'd do anything for you. For all three of you."
"I love you, Mom."
The hug ends. They resume eating pizza and making small talk.
End Credits.
Next Time
Tommy wants Shane Sloan to think he's cool so he acts up at both school and home. Quinn and Jim struggle to deal.
Authors Notes
1) This story is the first in an ongoing series about everyones lives now. Expect more familiar faces to appear in later episodes
2) Also expect me to introduce other original characters. As you've probably noticed, Teddy is a male version of Daria. I'm going to give him his own Jane at some point.