Disclaimer: You know I don't own them, don't make any money either.
25 Times That Jim Tried to Play Innocent. A continuation of the WTF?! Series – This is the Bullshit chapter. So you have to read most of these with the sarcasm that is dripping off the page.
Total crack, but it's the good kind So with great humor I present Jim's soliloquy.
"Yes, Bones, I realize now that sparring in the gym with Spock while talking trash was a bad idea, I get it, ok? How was I supposed to know that Ny's weight during pregnancy was such a touchy subject with him?!"
"Well Spock it seems I've won the chess game yet again. And you know, I was really going to try to use a strategy this time like you suggested, oh well, there is always next week!"
"Nyota you look lovely today. Oh really? I had no idea that the ambassador liked to touch on people so much. I'm sure Spock will be fine."
"Look, we all know that Chekov is an awesome example of jail-bait, but come on Hikaru, I jumped off a drill to save you, why would I try to steal your boyfriend?"
"Would someone tell Scotty that I hear barking in the transporter room again?"
"Pavel, hey, um… I just heard Hikaru talking in the mess about how inferior Russian products were compared to those made in Japan, so I just thought you might need to know, man."
"I have not been trying to avoid you Gaila. I have been down to engineering several times! And no, it was not always on your off shifts!"
"Oh, Rand, I didn't see you there. I'm just going to run get some lunch, I'll be right back to do all those reports."
"Damnit Bones! You promised you would not joke about alien STDs that will make my 'junk' fall off again!"
"Ny sure has filled out nice with pregnancy hasn't she Spock? I mean, you know, her hips have gotten wider with all the hormones so that she can give birth… and stuff."
"I have not helped Chekov get into any bars, Sulu. I guess they don't card like they used to for under-age Fleet members any more."
"Spock, I do not sleep with a woman on every planet we visit. It hurts my feelings that you would accuse me of such."
"Scotty, I'm going to let you conference the admirals today during the scheduled com-link about all the engine modifications you have made, you know since Enterprise is your baby. I'm sure you won't mind seeing Admiral Archer again."
"I do not give my First Officer 'bed room eyes' Bones! Have you been hitting the bottle already today?"
"No Pavel, you aren't slurring at all! Hikaru will never know that you drank both bottles of vodka by yourself."
"Nyota, you are pregnant! No one will notice that your uniform is a little tighter and shorter than normal! Trust me!"
"Oh no Spock! Did someone slip you some chocolate in your drink while you weren't looking? Who would try to get the First Officer drunk?"
"Bones, if I didn't know you any better I would think that you picked fights with Spock because you are jealous of him. You know, he does spend a lot of time standing by me up on the bridge."
"Scotty, of course I love your home-brew, why would I pour it out? I'm just rinsing out the cup since I've drank it all. Got be a good influence on these younger kids to keep the ship clean. It was just as great this time as last time, but I really need to stick with just the one cup being the captain and all."
"So Pavel will be legal soon? That had totally slipped my mind, Hikaru, remind me when the party will be? Sixteen days from now?"
"Come on, Ny, don't you think if I loved Bones, as much as you say I do, that I'd be with him now and not still single?"
"Gaila, I will always treasure the time you and I spent together, but you and Scotty have so much more in common. Don't let me hold you back."
"It's just my birthday. I am totally fine, Bones."
"I have no knowledge of the Ambassador Spock. The only person I meet on Delta Vega is Scotty. I don't know what you are talking about, Spock. I am completely innocent and will not be held responsible for causing the world to end."
"Why, Bones, welcome to the bridge. What brings you out of Med Bay this time of day?"
A/N: Thanks for reading. Please review and tell me what you think
Ok, Jim might have come off like a Jack-ass but that was not the intent. Please don't hate me if you think I was really mean to Jim, because I wasn't trying to be. He was just picking on his crew.
I have no idea where the whole Nyota-is-pregnant thing came from, but hey you work with what you've got.