Hunt the Hare Multiverse
Teenage Wildlife Version
Dreeness Archive
(A multiverse, multiple different overlapping storylines, played out over multiple overlapping realities.)
(This is the "Teenage Wildlife" version of HtH, other versions are available online.)
(Belated thanks to Miss Clock, for creating the "Hunt the Hare Scrabble Graphic". A complete version of the "Hunt the Hare Scrabble Graphic" is available for viewing at the "Heroic Visions" section of TGNMemory.)
(May contain traces of "Love in the Time of Sakutia".)
(We will start with the reality we are most familiar with, and after a while visit some other realities.)
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Location: The United States of America,
California,
Jump City Bay,
Titans Island.
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Play.
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All possible universes exist.
- Max Tegmark
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"The Ultimate Warrior of Death"
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The Ultimate Warrior of Death stalks the tower. But, where are the Titans? Have they fled? Do they cower in cowardly cowardice before the Ultimate Warrior of Death?
Well, they better, because the Ultimate Warrior of Death is... an aurochs!
No, wait, that's stupid. An aurochs is just a big cow. So, what is the Ultimate Warrior of Death?
Hmm... I know! He is... a dire wolf! Yes, that's what I am! A great big wolf, with great big pointy teeth! Yeah! I am, I am... Fang-narr, the Unspeakable! Scourge of the Bloody Steppes! Yes!
Ha! Fang-narr charges down the abandoned corridors, blithely and lithely bouncing off the walls, faster and faster, effortlessly turning corners... Ow! Didn't hurt.
Yes, now Fang-narr reaches the final corner before the staircase, picking up speed, charging forward with savage grace and... Ow! Damn! What a stupid place to leave an end-table. Didn't hurt.
Okay, now Fang-narr is entangled in a fiendish table-trap, but he struggles valiantly to free himself, for he is the Scourge of... Oh hell! The bloody steps!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
This doesn't hurt.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
I was going downstairs, anyway.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Damn it.
... That didn't hurt.
Okay, now Fang-narr is feeling a bit wobbly, so he transforms himself into... Beast Boy, Royal Imperial Ambassador from Groovy-Land! Yes, Beast Boy, important international diplomat by day, rogue-ish womanizing super-secret agent by night. Beast Boy, darling of the paparazzi, the young devil-may-care charmer, the Toast of Europe.
Beast Boy, who is in charge of the Tower of the Titans. Beast Boy, who is in charge because... everybody else went to the Pentagon.
Beast Boy, who was not invited back to the Pentagon. Just because some starchy old general had some kind of "anxiety attack" when a Siberian Tiger walked into the men's room.
It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault.
And what kind of a general would be frightened of a green tiger, anyway? How stupid is that. I mean, holy crap, a green tiger. How idiotic would you have to be? Doesn't he watch TV? Doesn't he read People Magazine? A green tiger is so obviously just me, any fool would know that. I'm famous. Everybody knows me. I'm a hero. That general is just a moron. A stupid, stupid moron.
And if you ask me, he was more than ready for early retirement, anyway.
And anyway, I don't care. Why would I care? I don't care about secret code-books, and debriefings. Debriefings. God, do they have any idea how awful that sounds? This way to the Pentagon, soldiers. It is time to debrief you. And they wonder why recruitment is way down.
Maybe Cyborg will bring me one of those complimentary fruit baskets. Oh yeah, like that would happen. He is such a walking stomach, not only would he eat all the fruit, I would be lucky if he didn't eat the basket, too.
And it's not like I care about being left all alone, while everybody else goes off to some probably boring meeting. Why would I care, I don't care. It's nothing to me, just because everybody else gets to go and I don't. I don't care.
Anyway, I can have fun here, all by myself. I can play my music, and as loud as I want to play it. Nobody to yell at me to turn it down.
And I can build a couch-fort, and get those action figures that are at the back of Robin's closet. Yeah, those are cool. I can play Roman soldiers battling the, um, Soviet Army... What is wrong with him? Who collects Roman soldiers and the Soviet Army? They do not go together at all. He is so weird about things.
Roman soldiers and aliens, on the other hand. At least you could do something with that. Hail Julius Rex. Hail Lepus Maximus. The aliens are upon us. We must build a siege tower. Stuff like that. But he doesn't have any aliens, not one single alien action figure to play with. Well, not unless you count...
Oh god! I did not just think that! Tee-hee! I'm awful! Tee-hee! Oh jeez, I hope I didn't say that out loud.
Oh wait. It doesn't matter if I did. Because I'm alone.
All alone.
But it's okay.
Okay, so what am I going to do first? Eat! I will eat and eat! Yes, the kitchen is mine! It's the Breakfast Show, with Master Chef, Beast Boy! Watch him blend! Watch him microwave! Watch him food process! Watch him, watch him do whatever he wants! Is there anything he cannot do! No, of course not! Because, because there is... no one to tell him not to.
Because he is... all alone.
All alone...
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I am... not alone.
I sense another pulse.
I must defend the tower.
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Okay. Siberian Tiger. That should do, for a start. Enough to give any army guy a hissy-fit, anyway. Tiger. Walk silent. Stop. Taste the air. Smells like... old books, and black licorice. Raven? I thought she went with everybody else.
No. Not Raven. Taste the air. Something... flowers... musk... something.
Wait a minute. A sound. Very faint. Human throat. Humming, music?
Taste the air. This can't be right.
Taste the air. That's Raven, and another woman, I think. Wearing perfume? A strange woman with Raven, wearing... Chanel Number Five. No, that's, I think it's Chanel Number Nineteen.
Taste the air, what the heck is going on? Raven, and a strange woman with expensive perfume. And only one pulse...
Silent run! Faster! Faster you little fool! Only one pulse! Faster, faster, attack run! Danger run! Mouth wide, fangs bared! Stop what you're doing lady, here comes death!
Turn! Wait! It is only Raven! Can't stop, transform, parrot! Fly! But not into the wall! Ow!
Ow, pain. Ow. Ow.
Transform, Boy.
Boy in pain, ow.
Idiot, idiot boy. Boy on floor. Upside down, stupid boy.
Yes folks, it's the amazing upside-down Stupid Boy. Famed around the world for his amazing feats of stupidity.
Stupid Boy, who never considered that one pulse, humming, and perfume might just add up to, Raven. Wearing perfume and humming.
Oh, why did she have to see this? Raven, of all people.
Stupid Boy will now stand up. Raven must think I'm a total goof. She must know I'm a total goof, I just re-confirmed it for her.
Why do these things always happen to me?
Raven is looking at me. Raven is going to say something. Oh no, here it comes. Raven is going to say
"Hi, BB. That was good. For an instant, it truly looked like a tiger chasing a parrot. It was so fast, we should get that on film sometime."
What? She thinks I meant to do that? Um, smile. Play along. I did good, somehow. She liked it. Smile, say something.
"Um. Gee, thanks Raven. It's a new trick I've been working on. Yes. I've been practicing for a while, actually."
"Well, it really is a good illusion. You see the tiger and the parrot, almost at the same instant. Clever."
Did Raven just say I was clever? Maybe I hit my head too hard...
"Um, Raven, why aren't you in Washington with everybody else?"
"Pfft. I was in no mood for another day of pandering to the military-industrial complex."
"Oh, I know what you mean. The military-industrial complex, those guys just bug me. They just think they're so military, and so industrial, and so complex. I just can't stand them, myself. Icky. Hate those guys, and their complex industrial military, um, things."
Raven is smiling. I'm blithering, and Raven is smiling. Um.
Okay, so what should I say now?
I have to think...
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Pause.
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Play.
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I have to think... Raven is still looking at me, and smiling. I have to say something, I can't just stand here like a dimbo...
I know, I can say something about the perfume. I can compliment her on the Chanel she's wearing, that would be very polite of me, yes.
"Um, Raven?"
"Yes, Bebe?"
"You, um, smell really nice, today."
Uh oh, Raven just stopped smiling.
"Gee, thanks a lot, Beast Boy. And you're a real feast for the senses, yourself."
Aiee, I must've said a wrong thing. Oh no. And now, she is looking in the exact opposite direction away from me. She's precision-ignoring me. This conversation is over.
Retreat, retreat!
Walk to the kitchen. Walk quickly to the kitchen, run, run like heck to the kitchen.
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I'll be safe in here. Maybe I will just stay in the kitchen, for a while. The rest of today, or the rest of my life or something.
What did I say wrong? All I said was that she smelled really nice today. Nothing wrong with that. Oh, wait... When I said that she smelled nice today, I guess that maybe I sort've implied that she doesn't smell nice on other days. But, I didn't mean it like that! The way I said it, it just came out all wrong. I totally didn't mean to hurt her feelings. How could I be so stupid? Stupid, stupid. Maybe I should go back and try to explain, I should really apologize... No, with my luck, I would just make an even worse mess of things. Why am I like this? If I wasn't so nervous. If I could only just say to her, Raven I'm sorry. Raven, I didn't mean it like that. Please forgive me. If I could only say that.
She was probably having a nice quiet day, she was probably happy, and I just ruined it for her. Look, she left her big notebook out on the kitchen table. And she only ever writes in it when everything is peaceful and calm. So that's another thing I ruined for her. Way to go, Beast Boy.
I'll just set the book up on the counter, so that nothing happens to it.
I suppose I should probably eat something. Meh, I'm not hungry any more. My stomach feels like it's full of broken glass. I would never hurt Raven's feelings. Not on purpose. It's just, it's like I forget how to talk or something, when she's around. And then she thinks I'm being an idiot, and that makes everything worse. But she must know I don't really mean to upset her, she's a million billion times smarter than me, she must know I don't mean to be annoying. Or maybe she just really thinks that I'm a total moron.
I just don't know...
(Look in the book.)
Shut up and go away. I'm not listening to you.
(I said, look in the book.)
No, I can't hear you. Go away.
(You know who I am.)
Yes. You are the Boy. You are not me, you are only part of me.
(Yes, the smart part.)
No, you always get me in trouble. Go away.
(Dude, I'm not going anywhere.)
Fine, I'll just ignore you, then.
(Fine, I'll just talk about Raven, then.)
N-no.
(Oh so pretty, pretty Raven.)
Stop it.
(Perfect Raven, angelic Raven.)
Shut up! Shut up!
(Angel Raven, in her cloak, Little Miss Velvet Boots.)
Go away!
(Why do you think she left her book in here, anyway?)
What? What do you mean?
(Isn't it obvious? She wants you to find it, and look in it.)
No, Raven isn't like that. She would never... at least, I don't think she would...
(There's obviously something about you in there. Something that she wants you to see.)
Then why wouldn't she just show it to me?
(You idiot. She's a girl. Girls are subtle.)
No, you're wrong. I'm pretty sure you're wrong. I think.
(Be a man. Look in the book. Do it.)
No, I wont... I can't... Okay, look, there's nothing but a bunch of weird-looking mathematical equations. It's just a research book. and, some sketches, waterfalls and forests and things. And, a poem... And some more poems... And, hmm, that doesn't sound like something Raven would say... And this doesn't sound like Raven, either... And, what's this? Transdimensional quantum siblings? What the heck does that mean? Oh. Oh, my...
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Beast Boy has surrendered to his more curious instincts, and he begins to riffle randomly through the mysterious book.
What secrets will he discover?
Is he going to get into trouble?
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(riffle)
Robin winces every time I crack my knuckles.
Especially when I do it one finger at a time. Heh.
(riffle)
All right then, don't phone me back. See if I care. Because I'm not waiting by the phone. You coffee house bohemian boho-rojo dopefiend-faced artfilm pig, you sighing inconsiderate avante-garde scarecrow. You scum-sucking pseudo-intellectual polyester beatnik weasel. I don't care if you ever phone me back. How copacetic is that.
Phone back, phone back, phone back!
(riffle)
Don't hug me
I said.
Release me,
bubble head.
(riffle)
Note to self: I got BB a pair of those Ray-Ban sunglasses he wanted. Anything to stop his incessant moping. I'll just leave them on the desk in his room when he's not around. He won't know where they came from, heh.
Update: Oh hell, he saw me walking out of his room. Now he knows I got him the sunglasses, and I'll have to put up with his goofy gamin grin for at least a week. Just wonderful.
(riffle)
Asleep on the roof. Under the stars.
When suddenly, a blinding green light blazes, and
Star's angel voice rings 'round my head!
Hail, Raven-friend!
Are we not joyful!
Are we not lucky!
Are we not glorious!
Um, yes. Yes of course, Starfire.
Onward. Forward. Hooray.
Dynamism, victory.
...can I go back to sleep, now?
(riffle)
Note to self: Avoid reflective surfaces, this early in the morning. I must have slept on my hair funny. It's all plastered tight to my face on one side. Have to fix this. I look like a reptile. Oh, yonder glides Starfire, looking like she just stepped out of a Revlon commercial.
She always does. Gah...
(riffle)
Field Notes, Observing Beast Boy:
I am watching him, down on the beach. He doesn't see me. He does many strange things, he keeps jumping off the concrete retaining wall, and trying to climb back up again. Is he trying to imitate Robin's wall-climbing skills? Perhaps.
Or perhaps he is just being a loon, I don't know.
But, he keeps trying. No one could ever say he isn't determined, you have to give him credit for that.
And, it's not like he really needs these skills, he could be a chipmunk, and climb that wall like lightning. Or be a falcon, and fly right over it. But he keeps trying. And every time, he does get a little bit better.
And it's funny, his face is totally different, when he's concentrating. The angle of his jawline, the way he looks around, from side to side. Looking for finger-holds and ridges in the concrete, he looks so serious, like a little soldier, actually sort of handsome... Ah, wait a minute, no, no I don't mean that, no, not exactly. No, no, I mean, what I really mean is, I mean he looks professional, rational, focused. Yes, that's what I meant.
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Beast Boy looks up from Raven's notebook.
Finally, he has found what he was looking for.
Things are finally looking up, for our little friend.
Or, are they?
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Oh my... This is great! Raven's field notes, on me! Ha! And, she actually said I was handsome, well, she kind of almost said that. She implied it. I had no idea she was so into me. I mean, well, as scientific research. But still, wow. This is better than gold.
I have to remember to listen to my super-sneaky Boyish instincts more often.
I wonder what else she says about me... I wonder if maybe she secretly thinks I am funny and charming... I wonder if she has any poems about me... Or sketches, I wonder if she sketches me when I'm not looking... I wonder if she looks forward to seeing me every day... I wonder if she thinks I'm the bravest Titan... I wonder if she maybe has dreams about me...
I wonder why I suddenly detect the aroma of Chanel Number Nineteen...
Um. Wouldn't it be awful, if Raven was standing right behind me, right now?
Um. Yes, if Raven was standing behind me right now, and watching me read her private book, surely I would be doomed. As doomed as doomed can be...
Oh. Oh no.
"Turn around, Bright Eyes."
It's Raven. Ack!
Beast Boy reaches for the tiny cyanide ampoule hidden beneath his collar. He places the ampoule between his back teeth, bites down hard. Feels the tiny glass ampoule shatter, releasing the lethal, infinitely merciful fluid to trickle down his esophagus. Soon, there will be a sharp pain; but then, release, yes, merciful release. He will never fall into the clutches of Raven, the Super-Meanie From Beyond Time And Space.
Regrettably, the cyanide ampoule was really only a mint candy, left over from yesterday, when he was playing Super Secret Agent. Time to think of something, and fast, Dimbo.
Contrition. Yes. Blink your eyes. Faster, you are holding back the tears. Yes. You are sorry, so very sorry. Look sorry or you're gonna be sorry. Pull in your lower lip, good. Big eyes, do the Bambi eyes. You are sorry. So sorry. Sniffle. Look sorrier. You will never do it again. Don't sniffle so loud, you are too ashamed to sniffle loud.
I wonder if she's buying it.
"I'm not buying it."
I don't think she's buying it. Too late to back out now, ramp up the sorrowfulness. Close eyes tight. Make the most pathetic sound you can think of. Small keening wail, baby rabbit in distress.
"Eeeee! Eeeee! Eeeeee!"
Risk a look at her. She's rolling her eyes.
Oh thank god, saved by irony. She thinks the situation is ironic. Irony is the only thing that can stop her from getting mad. She loves irony. She would marry irony, if there was a way. I love irony, too. Not too clear on the particulars of exactly what irony is, but I know that irony is the friend of Beast Boy. Oh yes. Irony is the salvation of Beast Boy. Just to be safe, I better do the baby-rabbit wail one more time.
"Eeeee! Eeeee! Eeeeee!"
"Oh all right, Pagliacci. Knock it off, before you strain something."
Pagliacci, that doesn't sound like another word for idiot. Can't be bad.
Raven is shaking her head, and rolling her eyes. Better say sorry, in real words this time.
"Raven, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I was just so curious..."
"Look, just let's not turn this into a courtroom drama, okay? You were snooping through one of my notebooks. And no, I'm not thrilled about it. But, you don't have to get all hysterical, and go through your little suicide-pill routine, and whine and snivel and grovel like I'm some kind of bloodthirsty maniac who just might take your head off with a chainsaw. I'm not a monster. How do think it makes me feel, every time you act like I'm some sort of crazed murdering fiend? How do you think that makes me feel?"
"Um, merciful?"
"Stop it."
"Okay, Raven. Um, I'm just going to run away now, if that's okay."
"No, that is not okay. I'm forgiving you, you halfwit. I'm forgiving you, because I'm decent, and civilized. So, you are just going to sit there, safe and sound. And forgiven. Because we are friends. And I'm not a monster."
"Okay. Okay, Raven. I can stay here, if you like."
"And, I'm going to make you some toast."
"Um? Thanks, Raven, but I really don't want any toast, right now."
"I said, I am going to make you some toast. Because you're my friend. And I'm a nice decent person. And you're going to eat the toast. And we're just going to sit here, and be normal, and nice. Got it?"
"Sure, Raven. Um, toast sounds good. I could really go for some toast, right about now."
If Raven wants to make toast, I better not argue. This is all very weird. Hmm, she is mad at the toaster. Better it than me.
"All right. Here is your toast. Do you want anything on it?"
"Um, I don't know. Do I?"
"Yes of course you do. Don't be such an idiot. You always put marmalade on toast, I've seen you do it. Here is marmalade. Use the spoon, not your fingers."
I better eat this toast, and like it a lot.
"Wow, Raven, this toast is amazing. This is the best toast I've ever had. Magnificent toast. If Martha Stewart knew that you could make toast this good, she would jump out a window. You reign over toast, Raven."
Uh oh, what did I say now? Raven's getting that far-away, glassy-eyed stoic look on her face.
"Bebe, just... stop it, okay? You're terrified of me. I get it. You know, the entire world is terrified of me. So, I guess there's no reason you should be any different."
Now she's gone all quiet. I have to say something.
"Raven, the entire world isn't terrified of you. Anyone who is frightened of you is just... wrong. Anyone who really knows you isn't frightened of you."
Her eyes are closed now, she must be really upset about something.
"Thanks, Bebe. That was a really good try. But we both know, as far as the world is concerned, my name is another word for evil."
She is taking a piece of folded paper out of her cloak pocket, and handing it to me. What is this? ... It's the front page of today's edition of the Jump City Daily Star. There's a picture of Raven, hovering over the smoke of a burning building. The caption is two words, in giant block-letters: TERROR GIRL ... How, how dare they? Damn them.
"This is just... meaningless garbage, Raven. Only braindeads read that slimy tabloid, anyway. It's just the usual supermarket crap. You shouldn't pay it one second's worth of attention."
"It's what the world believes, Bebe."
"No, it isn't! Only the stupid jerkfaces who read crappy newspapers like this. Anyone who really matters knows it just isn't true. Like Robin. He's your best friend, and everybody with a brain knows he's a total parasol of virtue."
"I think you mean paragon, but thanks. Anyway, I don't care. There's nothing I can do about it. It doesn't matter. People hate me, that's all there is to it. It won't ever change. I can be out walking, people cross the street to avoid me, recite Psalm 23 under their breath when I walk past. You know, there are pamphlets about me, I've seen them. Satan's Ultimate Weapon. That's what they say... But I don't care... You know, they actually have big rallies, prayer meetings, where they tell little kids to pray against me. Sometimes at night when I'm meditating, I can feel the psychic tension of it, millions of innocent little children, all fervently wishing me dead. But, it doesn't matter, I don't care."
"Raven, no. No. The world isn't like that, you can't let the ravings of a few nutbar fanatics get to you. It's just, it's all propaganda. And don't tell me that you don't care, because I know you do. And you should. You don't have to put up with people telling lies about you."
She opens her eyes, and looks at me.
"Do you seriously believe there's anything I can do about it, anyway?"
"There's something we can do about it, Raven. You're part of a team, remember? A team that doesn't lose. There's no I in Titans, Raven. Um, okay actually there is, but you know what I mean. Just wait til Robin gets back from Washington, he'll know what to do. Positive spin, that's what you need. A publicity offensive. I don't mean offensive publicity, um, well, you know what I mean."
Raven is still looking at me. She doesn't look particularly convinced, but she doesn't look as utterly miserable as she did a minute ago, either.
"Bebe, do you think something like that could really work?"
"I know so. Just wait til Robin gets here, you'll see."
Yeah, good old Robin, he'll know what to do.
At least I hope so. I'm really worked up and indignant and everything, but I'm still not entirely sure what exactly needs to be done. "Publicity offensive", it sounded good in my head, I wonder how you actually... do something like that. Hmm...
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Pause.
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Play.
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"The Creature That Ate Michael Caine."
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Raven watched Bebe, as he paced up and down across the kitchen floor. He was trying to help, he looked so serious.
He wasn't trying to be funny, and it was hilarious.
But it would be wrong to laugh, Raven knew that. For one thing, he was really just trying to be supportive, in his own weird little way. And for another, laughing would only serve to confirm his long-held suspicion that she really did think he was funny. And that would never do.
He was using the front of the refrigerator as a note board, and he was trying to think of ways to improve her public image. Every time he had an idea, he would write it on the refrigerator with a magic marker.
"Um, Bebe, are you sure you should be writing all over the fridge?"
"Oh, it's okay, Raven. It's a scrubbable surface."
Some of his ideas actually were quite good.
"Raven, you know all those equations and things that you have in your notebook?"
"You mean, the notebook that you were accidentally looking through?"
"Um, yes. Anyway, would it be fair to say that some of those things might be of interest to scientists, and other smart people?"
"Well, it's mostly just transdimensional computations, Bebe. Fairly rudimentary stuff, really."
"Hmm. Rudimentary for Raven, or rudimentary for everybody else?"
"I guess some of it could be considered somewhat groundbreaking, by human standards. What are you getting at?"
"What am I getting at? Raven, don't you see? Science things are considered examples of smartness, and people love smartness. You should publish some of those things, in science magazines or something. Then people would say that you are smart, and people who said mean things about you would just look dumb. And nobody likes to look dumb."
"Okay, but Bebe, it's not as easy as that. You don't just publish things in scientific journals, there's a very involved protocol... Although, I do know some guys at Cambridge, maybe they could jump-start the peer-review process, or something."
"Great! Fantastic!" enthused Bebe, "you get those guys to jump-start the whatever, and before you know it, everybody will love you as much as... um, as much as they really should, yes."
Bebe walked over to the fridge and wrote publish science things on his list of ideas. Underneath that, he wrote Nobel Prize, and underlined it.
Raven felt her face beginning to blush, and fought it. Something about Beast Boy was just so, well, joyful. It wasn't anything he said, it was more the way he said things. The way he did things. Yes, he was mostly irrational, or even downright silly. But there was something about him, he just seemed to radiate light and life and hope. And, when you really stopped to look at him, Bebe was so totally... yes, um, well. He was a good little guy, better just leave it at that, yes.
And now, he was trying to think of more ideas. Back to his pacing, up and down, his little face all solemn and serious. So unintentionally elfin. He was rhythmically tapping the magic marker against his knuckles as he walked back and forth, he didn't realize that tiny droplets of ink were flying off the marker as he tapped it. He was giving himself a little ink goatee, and he didn't even know it.
Don't laugh, Raven told herself. She waited until his back was turned, and allowed herself a small quick smile. But this was simply too funny, something would have to be done.
Raven stood up and walked over to the kitchen sink. She pulled some paper towel from the countertop dispenser, and soaked it with warm water from the sink faucet. She squeezed the towel to wring it out.
"Bebe, come here for a minute." Raven said.
Bebe stopped pacing and walked over to Raven. Before he could say anything, she started swabbing his chin with the damp paper towel.
Bebe's eyes widened. "Um, Raven, what the heck are you doing?"
"Oh, it's okay Bebe, it's a scrubbable surface."
Raven finished wiping the ink from his face, and then showed him the paper towel.
"A few more minutes and you would've had a five o'clock shadow," said Raven, "you were starting to look like a small green Al Pacino."
That was all the encouragement he needed.
"Hoo-haw! Say hello to my leetle friend!" Bebe mimicked, "You're out of order! Never go against the family!"
Raven came within a nanosecond of laughing at Bebe's Pacino impersonation, but she caught herself in time. Raven does not laugh at Beast Boy, it was an immutable law of the cosmos. Instead, she sighed and rolled her eyes.
Bebe looked at her keenly. "I nearly got you that time, didn't I?"
"Pfft, not even close," Raven said, "you may as well give up, it's never going to happen."
"One of these days, you'll let your guard down for a minute," said Bebe, "and then I will pounce, yes, you will be swept away by the hurricane of hilarity that is Beast Boy."
"Highly unlikely." said Raven.
Bebe smirked knowingly. "Hmm, denial ain't just a river in Asia."
"It's in Africa." said Raven.
"My point exactly." said Bebe.
Raven shook her head in feigned exasperation. Now he was trying to trap her with one of his little non-sequitur routines, it was cute but it wasn't going to work.
"Look, just go sit down at the table," Raven said, "I suppose I'm responsible for feeding you, while everybody else is away."
"Hey, I'm perfectly capable of preparing meals." Bebe protested.
"And that's why you blew the door off the microwave last week?" Raven said.
"Well, that wasn't entirely my fault," said Bebe, "no one ever thinks of potatoes as being explosive. They really should come with warning labels."
Raven nodded. "Warning, do not stuff five pounds of potatoes into a microwave at maximum heat for ten minutes. Keep out of reach of small lunatic transmorphs."
Bebe sat down at the kitchen table and shrugged. "Anyway, it was closer to three pounds of potatoes." he muttered.
Raven walked over to the freezer and looked inside. "How about spinach cannelloni, is that something you feel like eating?"
"Is it vegetarian?" asked Bebe.
"Is spinach a vegetable?" said Raven.
"I suppose I will eat it, since apparently I'm not to be trusted with household appliances." Bebe said.
Raven took a package of cannelloni from the freezer, and walked over to the new microwave.
As she walked past Bebe, she absent-mindedly patted him on the head. And then she realized what she had just done, and decided that it must have been an accidental involuntary reflex.
"Um, sorry Bebe, I didn't mean to bump into you." she said.
Raven hurriedly put the package in the microwave, and set the time and temperature. Then she sat down at the kitchen table across from Bebe, and poured a cup of tea and started drinking it, like nothing had happened.
Because nothing had happened.
Nothing had happened.
"Um, Raven." said Bebe.
"Yes, Bebe?" said Raven.
"You just patted me on the head." said Bebe.
"Oh, that? Um, sorry about that, I didn't mean to do that, it was just sort of an involuntary muscle spasm, you know, from sitting in the same position for too long, that sort of thing. Yes, an involuntary muscle spasm."
"Oh. I see." said Bebe.
"Yes. Well." said Raven.
"You know, there's nothing wrong with patting someone on the head," said Bebe, "I mean, um, there's nothing improper or anything about it. Like, me and Robin pat each other on the head when we're playing basketball. It's really just a friendly, sporty kind of a thing."
"Yes well, basketball," said Raven, as she changed the subject, "have you ever noticed, the basket in basketball isn't really like a basket, at all? It's more of a truncated conical net. So they should really call basketball, um, truncated conical netball, yes."
"Hmm." said Bebe.
Raven was saved from saying anything else immediately by the ding of the microwave bell. She stood up and walked over to the microwave, and carefully removed the steaming tray.
"Here you go, Bebe," she said as she set the tray in front of him on the table, "that looks nice, doesn't it? And it smells nice, you would never know that it had been frozen. Yes, well. How about a bottle of nectarine juice? You like that stuff, don't you?"
Raven grabbed a small plastic bottle of nectarine juice from the refrigerator and handed it to Bebe. Bebe looked at the nectarine juice, and looked at Raven.
"What?" said Raven.
"Oh, nothing." said Bebe.
"Just eat your stuff, before it gets cold." said Raven.
Raven poured more tea into her cup, and tried to avoid eye contact with Bebe. He started eating his cannelloni, and drinking the nectarine juice. Occasionally he would glance in her direction, she pretended not to notice.
Raven drank her tea. Bebe was right, patting someone on the head really wasn't that big of a deal. The guys were always patting each other on the head, or slapping each other on the back, or high-fiving each other. And Starfire would hug just about anyone at any time, for any reason. So really, why shouldn't she pat Bebe on the head? He was a good little guy. A few hours ago, she had been depressed out of her mind, but he had spent most of the day cheering her up. He was a good friend, in his own weird little way.
And patting him on the head was just a friendly gesture. Of course it was. There was not a thing wrong with patting Bebe on the head. Of course there wasn't.
For that matter, there wouldn't be anything wrong with hugging him, hypothetically.
Or maybe even kissing him on the forehead.
Or kissing him on the nose.
Or kissing him on the mouth, and hugging him and picking him up and laying him out on the kitchen table and
Raven poured more tea, and tried to think about something else. Alchemy, yes. Alchemical geometry, alchemical semiotics. Raven was drinking tea and thinking about alchemy. Raven was not thinking about Beast Boy. Not at all.
Bebe finished eating his cannelloni, and he just sort of looked around. Then he looked at Raven. He was going to say something, she could tell. What was he going to say? Perhaps something momentous. Bebe looked right at Raven, and said
"Sesame Street."
Sesame Street?
"What, what about Sesame Street?" said Raven.
Bebe took a sip of nectarine juice. "I've done lots of guest appearances on Sesame Street, and I don't see any reason why you couldn't, also. It always generates amazing fan response. And I think you would really enjoy working with Elmo. First thing tomorrow, I'll make some calls, see what we can set up."
"Oh, yes, an appearance on Sesame Street," Raven said, "that would really help me shore up support with the crucial Elmo demographic."
"Well, it wouldn't necessarily have to be Elmo," said Bebe, "if you would feel more comfortable with The Count, for example, I'm sure we could work something out."
"Oh, that's just what I need," said Raven, "national exposure with a muppet vampire. Nine, ten, eleven more reasons to associate Raven with the undead, ah-ha-ha-ha. Good thinking, Bebe."
"Well okay, not The Count, then," Bebe said, "how about Grover, or Prairie Dawn? You could do a nice little singalong with Prairie Dawn, or something."
"Hmm, I don't know, that really sounds like more of a Starfire thing." said Raven.
"Anyway, you don't have to decide right now," said Bebe, "and as soon as Robin gets back tomorrow, we can really get rolling on things. Robin's got lots of connections, he'll know who to talk to."
Raven looked at Bebe. Unsinkable optimism, he was like vitamins for the soul. Funny little guy.
Sweet funny little guy.
Sweet little guy.
Um.
"Your faith in Robin is awe-inspiring," Raven said, "and, you know what? I think you're right. Once Robin gets moving on this, I'm sure that he will utterly obliterate my enemies."
Bebe grinned. "Utterly obliterate our enemies. When you pick a fight with a Titan, you have to fight 'em all."
Bebe reached across the table and put his hand over Raven's. Then he realized what he had just done, and looked at his hand. He was holding hands with Raven. He experienced a moment of existential paralysis. He was holding Raven's hand. Eep.
Raven looked at Bebe's hand, on top of her own. She felt strange, and knew that there was about to be an uncomfortable silence. Yes, here it was. Yes, this silence certainly was uncomfortable. Yes, yes indeed.
Bebe gingerly withdrew his hand.
Raven had to say something. She knew millions of words in hundreds of languages, so surely she could think of something to say.
She couldn't think of anything to say.
Finally, Raven cleared her throat.
"Ahem. Yes, well. You know what I think, Bebe? I think, enough thinking for one day. I mean, look, we've been cooped up in the kitchen long enough. It's nearly 7 o'clock, let's just relax and enjoy having the tower to ourselves. I mean, let's see what's on television, we can watch a movie or something."
Television, good idea, thought Raven. Nothing like a bit of television to take your mind off things. The great American pastime. Yes, television would help keep her mind from wandering into weird areas.
Bebe nodded happily. "A movie sounds great, Raven. In fact, I'll put some popcorn in the microwave, so we can have the full cinematic experience."
Bebe hopped up from his chair and grabbed a bag of microwave popcorn from the cupboard. He walked over to the new microwave, and made a sardonic face.
"Oh, I'm assuming that you trust me not to blow something up, okay?"
Raven smirked. "I trust you. Just be careful, okay?"
Bebe threw the popcorn in the microwave and hit the appropriate buttons. After a few minutes, the popcorn finished popping, and the microwave dinged.
"Ha, no casualties." Bebe said.
"You're amazing." Raven said.
Bebe tore open the popcorn bag, and emptied it into a large stainless steel salad bowl. Together, Raven and Bebe walked into the hallway, and toward the living room.
"Eee, why does Robin have to keep it so cold in here?" Raven complained, "doesn't he know it's winter?"
"He claims that the cold helps to keep everybody alert," said Bebe, "but just between you and me, I think he does it to save money."
"Sir Robin the Cheap." muttered Raven.
Bebe picked up the tv remote and switched to the program guide channel. Raven sat down on the couch.
"And let's not forget the freezing cold vinyl upholstery," Raven said, "I feel alert, all right."
"Don't worry, I can fix that," said Bebe, as he handed the tv remote to Raven and opened the storage cabinet beside the couch, "we can just put this thinsulate quilt over the vinyl, that way it won't be like sitting on ice."
Raven stood up as Bebe unfolded the thinsulate blanket and tucked it over the couch cushions.
"This is more like it," said Raven as she sat down on the quilt, "but sometime we should ask Cy to bypass the environmental controls."
"I've already asked him," said Bebe, "but he says that he doesn't mind the cold, and that I'm just being a wuss. Easy to say, when you've got an internal thermostat, I suppose."
Raven nodded, as Bebe sat down on the couch beside her, with the popcorn bowl between them.
"Oh look," said Raven, "there's a Jacques Tati film on PBS. It's Mon Oncle, it's a great film."
"What's it about?" said Bebe.
"Well, it's about a young boy and his uncle," Raven said, "and it's also about the impact of modernity, it's considered one of the most profound comedies ever made. You like comedies, don't you?"
"I'm laughing already." said Bebe.
Raven switched the channel to PBS.
"Hmm. Subtitles." Bebe said dubiously.
"Just give it a chance." said Raven.
Bebe settled in on the couch, and started to watch the film. After a few minutes, he started to laugh.
"Raven, you were right," said Bebe, "this really isn't so bad, once you get used to it."
Raven and Bebe watched the rest of the film. Bebe laughed frequently, and at other times he nodded silently.
When the movie was over, Bebe said, "That was a funny movie, Raven. I don't mean just ha-ha funny, although it was that, too. It was sort of, funny and sad, at the same time."
"I had a feeling you would like it." said Raven.
"Let's see what else is on," said Bebe as he picked up the remote, "oh hey, it's The Creature That Ate Sheboygan. Cool."
"Erm, Bebe." said Raven.
Bebe smiled at her. "It's considered one of the most profound monster movies ever made, Raven."
Raven sighed, and watched a movie about a giant rubbery lizard eating Sheboygan. Why the lizard was eating Sheboygan was never adequately explained. Still, it wasn't entirely awful, the funny special effects had a certain nostalgic charm.
"Just watch as the Army sends in the tanks." said Bebe.
"That creature is going to get it this time." said Raven.
"Now the Air Force sends in the B-52's." said Bebe.
"Look out, creature." said Raven. It was ironic, she told herself.
Finally, the creature was vanquished.
"The moral of the story, is that they had to destroy Sheboygan to save it from the creature." Bebe explained.
Raven nodded. "An uplifting message, indeed."
"Oh come on, I saw you smile a couple of times." said Bebe.
"I was rooting for the creature." Raven said, as she picked up the tv remote and changed the channel.
"Oh look, this is something," said Bebe, "British soldiers, I think."
"It's Zulu, a movie with Michael Caine and some Welsh guys in Africa." Raven said.
"That's Michael Caine?" said Bebe, "look how young he is."
"The Welsh guys will start singing in a minute." said Raven.
"Why are they singing Men of Garlic?" Bebe asked.
"It's Men of Harlech, not garlic." Raven explained.
"Oh." said Bebe.
Raven and Bebe sat and watched the young Michael Caine and the singing Welshmen. Bebe finished the last of the popcorn, and set the empty bowl on the cabinet beside the couch. The movie was getting complicated, several thousand Zulus showed up and started throwing spears at Michael Caine.
After a while, Bebe couldn't keep his eyes open, and he nodded off to sleep. Raven pulled the corner of the thinsulate blanket over him, so he wouldn't get a chill. The movie was getting interesting, the Welsh guys had built a fort out of wooden boxes, and they were sending cows to attack the Zulus. It was an interesting tactic, Raven thought. Very few people realized the possible military applications of farm animals... Yes, this was a very interesting historical film... And Michael Caine, he looked about twelve years old... All very interesting...
.
(4am)
.
Raven woke up, very abruptly. She was asleep on the living room couch, and someone had just turned on the overhead light panels. She was wrapped in a thinsulate blanket, and her mouth tasted like salty popcorn, bleah. She must've fallen asleep watching television.
What time was it, anyway? She rolled over to look at the clock on the television.
But she could not see the television, because Robin, Cyborg, and Starfire were standing in front of the couch. Staring at her.
Why are they staring at me, Raven wondered. So I fell asleep on the couch, big deal.
She was about to say something, when the couch underneath her inhaled, noisily.
Couches are not supposed to inhale noisily, or at all, really.
Oh.
Raven realized that she had fallen asleep on the couch, and that she had also fallen asleep on Beast Boy.
"Beast Boy, Bebe! Wake up!" Raven said urgently.
"They grow up so fast." said Cyborg.
"It's always the quiet ones." said Robin.
"Most astonishing, is it not?" said Starfire.
"Beast Boy! Wake up, wake up!" Raven said, rather more urgently.
Raven tried to stand up, but her cloak was tangled around Bebe, and the blanket was tangled around her cloak.
Bebe opened his eyes. He knew that there must be a very good reason why he was on the couch, and underneath Raven. But he couldn't think of one. He decided it would be best not to say anything, for the moment.
"I blame myself," said Robin, "I suppose it was a mistake to leave them alone, unsupervised."
Raven glared at Robin with as much sarcasm as she could muster.
"I'm sure you all think you're terribly amusing," Raven said, "we were watching television, and we fell asleep. I'm just glad we could provide some entertainment for your tiny, pea-sized brains."
"Well, my tiny pea-sized brain thinks this is hilarious." said Cyborg.
Starfire grinned and nodded. "Indeed. Good Raven and Beast Boy are intensely peculiar."
Raven tugged on her cloak and finally managed to get untangled from Bebe. Bebe rolled onto the floor, and stood up.
"We were only watching a movie," he said, "it was the one where a giant creature devours Sheboygan."
"It sounds tragic." said Cyborg.
Starfire giggled. "No wonder you sought to console each other."
"I'm getting choked up, just thinking about it." said Robin.
"You can all get choked up, as far as I'm concerned," Raven said indignantly, "come along, Bebe, we don't have to stand here and endure abuse from these puerile idiots."
Raven took Beast Boy by the hand and quickly led him from the living room.
Raven stalked into the kitchen, still dragging Bebe.
"Of all the juvenile, sophomoric, simple-minded dolts." Raven fumed.
"Yeah, they were being complete jerks." said Bebe.
"Sometimes I wonder why I put up with them." said Raven.
"Um, Raven." said Bebe.
"Hmm, what?" said Raven.
"You're still holding my hand, you know." said Bebe.
Raven looked startled for a micro-instant, and abruptly let go of Bebe's hand.
"Anyway, I'm sure all this foolishness will be forgotten by tomorrow," Bebe said, "well, um, good night, Raven."
Bebe turned and scampered from the kitchen.
Raven sat down at the kitchen table and poured a cup of cold icky tea. Bebe was right, of course. All this foolishness would soon be forgotten. To be replaced by some brand new foolishness, no doubt. That's just the way things were around here. Raven sighed, and swallowed her tea. Even cold murky tea could make her feel a bit better. She decided to head upstairs.
Raven climbed the stairs and turned down into the corridor toward her room. Starfire was standing in front of the door.
"All right, you comedic Tamarii, get out of my way." Raven muttered.
But Starfire's expression was strange, and solemn.
"Oh, good Raven, dear small one, I was wrong to laugh at you." Starfire said. She seemed close to tears.
Suddenly, Starfire hugged Raven, and lifted her off the floor.
"Ack!" shrieked Raven.
"Dear Raven, good little transdimensional sprite, be joyful!" Starfire said gleefully, "this is a most glorious day, a day of days. You have finally entered your mating phase, oh how I feared this day would never arrive. Oh, magnificent little Raven!"
"Put... me... down!" Raven gasped.
"And you have chosen so very wisely," said Starfire, "the good little Beast Boy, yes, a small mate is both easily managed, and inexpensive to feed."
"I can't breathe!" Raven gurgled.
"Oh, and I shall be a good and loyal k'norfka to your little scions," Starfire said, "yes, let the House of Raven be blessed with many, many bright green scions!"
Starfire set Raven down and released her, Raven staggered and tried to force air into her lungs.
Starfire continued to blither merrily.
"And tomorrow, we shall do the online shopping," she said, "we shall look through the catalogue that reveals the Secret of Victoria. They have a new product line for the bookish and the introverted, it is called The Naughty Librarian. Not that you require any help to be seductive, my dear little goth-geek. But it is best to leave nothing to chance. Perhaps they have some tweed lingerie that would suit you."
Raven accumulated sufficient oxygen to reply.
"Firstly, I am not your dear little goth-geek," she snarled, "secondly, there will be no scions, bright green or otherwise. And thirdly, stay the hell away from me, you demented Tamaranian nutbar."
Raven walked into her room and slammed the door.
"Sweet green dreams, my angry little angel." Starfire said.
Then she walked off to find Robin. Yes, they would have to discuss converting a floor of the tower into a nursery for transmorphic transdimensional scions. Truly, this was a most splendiferous day.
.
Pause