I stopped for a second, just for a second and I remember thinking how beautiful she was, it was a crazy thought, a fleeting thought really. The type of thought that doesn't do you any good to think it because it hibernates in the back of your brain and threatens to wake up every time you're alone.
That was the type of thought this was, I don't like those types of thoughts, I usually try not to think them, in fact I go out of my way to stop myself from thinking them. Because those are the types of thoughts that eat away at you when you're sitting alone in front of your computer trying to concentrate on some trivial piece of information, that to everyone else is the basis for a life and death argument. But to me sitting in front of my computer sipping on white wine, I can't get her out of my head. I can't get that thought out of my head, that one infraction where I stopped being always in control me and I shut out the outside world and for a moment, for one moment, I was me. I allowed myself to feel all the things I've always felt, I embraced the warmth of a feeling that was real and raw and powerful. That thought, the one that only lasted an instant, but I know it made me smile, that was the thought that haunted me now. Now it wasn't warm, now it didn't make me smile; now it distracted me and robbed me of my ability to focus. It chased its self round and round through my head until I was no longer working, instead I was just quietly sipping wine, alone in my house, alone with that thought, alone with feelings and desires that only existed in my mind.
So here I am now, two days later, sitting in the parking lot of the little coffee shop where that tiny thought first nestled inside my mind. All I really want is a latte, that's what I keep telling myself, all I want is a shot of caffeine to start my day. I don't want to see her again; I'm thirsty for the strong bold taste of coffee. I am not hungry for hazelnut eyes and skin the color of mocha. I have never been with a woman, nor will I ever be, it's just not something that is accepted by the people I see. So I tell myself to leave, because I know that she's in there, it's her coffee shop, it just opened last week. It was just a whim of hers, a vision of a place where she could play her own music. I would love to hear her sing, when she spoke her voice washed over me like honey, sweet and warm. I was entranced, captivated, titillated, I knew not time nor the passage there of, I knew only her and the desire to know the taste of her kiss.
There it was, that thought again, the thought that kept me awake that first night and filled my second night with visions of sweet ecstasy. Never had any one woman, one man, one person had this affect on me. I had to know, I had to know if it was her or if it was me in a moment of weakness. If it was my own sadness and heartache that had lead me to this abyss that threatened to swallow me with flashes of passion never before seen. Maybe if I fell in a moment of weakness those who are so quick to judge might forgive this one small infraction.
Maybe it was my life and it was time I lived it.
One long slow deep breath and I embraced that little thought and held onto it like a badge of courage. It was quiet inside and my eyes sought hers, but behind the counter were a pair of emerald eyes that held no warmth for mine. I stopped, I could not approach the counter, my life, the one I so desperately wanted to live, existed only in a pair of hazel eyes that I could not find. I slowly turned, surveying the shop, seeking the object of my sleepless nights and visions of bliss. I didn't know what I would do if I found her, I just needed to see her again. Lost in thought and worries of rejection I felt a hand on my shoulder and I knew it was her. I turned and heard her ask if I was looking for someone, I said yes, but she had found me.
She laughed softly and I said nothing, I drank in the sound of her laughter and soaked in every fleck of gold in her eyes. I asked if I could speak with her alone and I saw the playful expression on her face change immediately to intrigue. I followed her into her office and closed the door. I apologized for being so forward, told her I had no idea what I was doing, stated that I was probably out of my mind, but I couldn't get her out of my head. She said that she was flattered, I asked her to have dinner with me, she smiled, I told her I loved her smile and that it was her lips that haunted me. She took a step in my direction, I told her I had never been with a woman, I took a step back. She smiled again and took a step closer. I stepped back and realized that my retreat was blocked by her closed office door, the door that I had closed, the door that blocked out the rest of the world. A closed door that created a reality that existed with only her and me.
I reached out and pulled on her shirt until her lips met mine. She braced either hand against the door and leaned her body into me, I remember the sound that escaped my lips and then her tongue intertwined with mine and my hands found the curve of her hips and I pulled her tighter to me. She cupped my face with her hands and the kiss deepened, my pulse raced, I thought my knees would buckle when she placed her leg between mine and pushed up against me. I ripped at the waistband of her jeans until I tugged her shirt free and could place my hands on her bare skin. I knew I was out of my mind when I pushed my hands up under her bra and cupped her breasts. She responded with a moan and bit my lip, then undid my buckle with one hand and lowered the zipper with the other.
I was going mad I knew I was, I pulled her shirt over her head and took one nipple into my mouth. She paused just for a moment and moaned before sliding her hand into my jeans. I thought that her reaction to my touch would send me over the top, but I had to stop what I was doing and gasp for air as her fingers stroked and fueled my desire. I wrapped my arms around her neck and pulled her to me as we slid to the floor.
I couldn't have stopped what was happening at that point even if I had wanted too, my life was finally my own and I was overwhelmed by a rush of emotion and pleasure that racked my body like never before, completely satiated by one small infraction.