Hi, this is just a side-piece away from my main project 'Children of Earth' that I felt the sudden urge to write down when I woke up this morning! ^__^ Yea, I am pretty sad and strange, I know, it's just a one chapter thing on Squall's feelings when Rinoa is unconscious, going through all his feelings of doubt and denial…this has very likely been done a zillion times before my try, but I hope people will read it anyway, and more importantly like it! It gets kind of mushy towards the end I should warn ^__- I will be writing more stories if I get the inspiration/time, but at the moment my main concentration is devoted to my main story, which is going to be so huge in length by the time I finish! (If I ever do, a long way off, think 2030 teehee, just kidding) This is not a poem of such, but I broke it down to make it easier to read…well, read and review people, hope you like because this is for you more than anything!
I Drank Your Love Poison
She's lying there…just lying there,
So still…
So pale…almost lifeless…a deathly white…
It looks like she has no blood running through her veins…
So quiet…she looks so peaceful in contrast to how I feel…
She looks…innocent and beautiful…
Like…like an angel…
How long have I been in here with her? Does it
Even matter…? I've lost track of time…I just don't care anymore…
Hah, isn't that a first, Squall Leonhart 'doesn't care anymore'…
People would find that funny…everyone thinks I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Funny they should say that, because as a matter of fact I do…
But I just don't care anymore…all I care about is in this room,
Lying there on the bed, so deathly still…
Rinoa…what's happened to you…? You used to be full of such
Life; I used to hate it you know…you were so…optimistic and I could never understand why…
Now I'm the one, who's telling the rest that you're going to wake up, look who's optimistic now,
Except I am in a totally fatal way…a desperate way…I'm trying to convince myself as well as the others,
That you will wake up…that…you were just tired, isn't that right…?
I…I was so terrible to you…you were just being yourself, and I was always snapping at you…
I didn't even get the chance to really apologise…to say it like I really mean it…that I'm sorry.
I was terrible to you…a real 'meanie' just like you said…I…but you…
You have to understand I'm like that with everyone…I don't let people get close…I don't want
To let anyone in…I…I'm just scared you see…you can laugh…I don't care…I'm scared to let anyone
Touch the real me…to get past my surface…my cold exterior, the wall I built to keep you all out,
It's bad…it could be wrong, but I…I can't let anyone really get to know me…It hurts too much…
Hurts to feel like this…a pain deep inside I can't shut out…I am trying so hard…so hard to shut it out…but
It's crippling me…shit; it is hurting me like hell.
I said I'd never let anyone into my heart again. I swore never to let anyone come a mile close,
Funny, I never imagined I'd forget my little philosophy, and end up feeling this way again,
I never let you in Rinoa…you forced your way in!
Damn it…damn it, I tried so hard to make you go away, I tried so hard to shut you out,
But you were always there, smiling that innocent little smile of yours that haunted me then,
Now I just want to see it touch your lips…pale lips…they used to be so rosy, parting in that effortless
Carefree way, letting out the sweet laughter…Rinoa, will I ever see you smile again? Laugh again?
What wouldn't I give to see you smile once more; this time it won't annoy me…
I…I may even laugh with you…ha, now that would be funny, I haven't done it in a long while,
I think I'm going to laugh now…I must be losing my mind…I…I just feel so mixed up inside…this
Feeling inside of me…what is it, how can I stop it? Damn, I can't work it out…it…I feel worried…like
I really care, but I can't…can I? I'm trying to stop it Rinoa…it's for both our own goods…you'll leave me…
I won't be here soon anyway, we'll have to part ways in the end, and it always is like that…
People never stay permanently, things change, people move on, nothing ever stays; don't you know that?
The moment you fell so lifeless to the ground this rush of emotion just surged up inside of me, overwhelming me,
No matter how hard I tried to restrain it, it wouldn't go away, it just broke past my defences, like…a huge tidal wave,
Out of control, all control, my control, and I found myself feeling all this…insanity…
What did you do to Seifer? He got up and ran…I thought he really died that time,
Then I looked to see you motionless…it was like...you exchanged places-
Rinoa, tell me what I can do…
Is there any way I can help you…? Just tell me…please, speak to me!
I want to know what happened…I feel so confused…frustrated…
I've never felt so…helpless…all that I'm feeling…it's because of you…
Do you know that Rinoa? It's your fault…dammit, I shouldn't feel this way but it won't stop,
Shit, it's driving me crazy, making it so hard to bloody draw a breath…you are driving me crazy…
I can't think straight…I'm looking at you now, and just watching…Part of me keeps asking what the point is…
It says that you won't wake up…but I am shutting that voice out…my voice of reason…that I spent my entire
Life listening to…now I'm just pushing it aside like it's nothing, just like that.
Funny how things can change so suddenly isn't it?
Here I am, just waiting…why, for what…I just don't know anymore…I just…I keep
Hoping you will wake up…hope…you…kind of reminded me what that was…I'd forgotten you see…
Hope had gone a long time ago…it went…with someone who left my life…I…I can't remember…
Won't you just say one word; make a small noise, just so I know you're aware that I'm here and suffering like this?
Rinoa…please…just help me…help me…I want it to stop…the pain of feeling…I don't want to ask for help…
It…it's humiliating, but I'm a fool anyway…please…I know only…only you can stop it…
I'm sitting by your bed, with nothing to do except watch and wait. And hope…and think…this silence it's…
Damn, I hate having nothing to do…it gets me thinking too much…I start thinking about things in too much detail…
I freak my own self out sometimes…I think…like now, about you, and all we've been through in our time together.
I remember when I first met you; the night of the SeeD Graduation Party, strange isn't it,
How our gazes happened to meet thanks to a shooting star that came along purely by chance…
Was it just by chance though…? Who knows? Maybe fate was working in her funny way again or whatever,
I thought you looked to beautiful, you seemed kind of shy at first, when you smiled at me…a bit like me…
Did I just admit that to myself…? I really am losing it…
Funny, I said that to Seifer…guess we're both as mad as each other then…
Anyway, I realised I was wrong…you weren't shy, was I stupid or what for thinking that,
My first impressions were totally wiped away as you approached me and demanded I dance with you.
I remember panicking a little…there was something different in the way you looked at me that sent alarms going
Off upstairs. Somehow I knew you weren't going to take a simple 'no' for an answer…now how did I figure that!
Then I just thought you were crazy…interesting though…no other girl had done that before…
Come up to me like that I mean…most just giggle immaturely when I'm around, or whisper, or stutter should they walk
Into me by accident…like I'm going to grab my gunblade and kill them with it or something! How stupid…
But you weren't like that and for once in my life I had found something that had piqued my interest for a moment.
I guess it was just that I had never seen you in Garden before and you looked so pretty yet acted so weird…like when you
Raised your hand to my face and ordered me to like you…I'd tell you something that'd make you giggle in that childish way…
It did have an affect on me…I really didn't want to dance, but you stunned me so much with that 'you're going to like me'
Chanting of yours…I was so surprised when you were done, and so confused by you that all I could say lamely was
'I can't dance'…it really did have a strange affect on me…almost…hypnotic…
But then that was your intention exactly wasn't it?
You never did take no for an answer-that stubbornness you have, too innocent to be really offensive or anything…you
Just made me dance for the first time in my life, and all the while I didn't know who I was angrier with…
Myself for allowing myself to be pulled into such immatureness, (you would call it 'having a good time') or you, for
Dragging me into your little game…I still don't know now…I never told you did I?
That I'm glad you danced with me that night…even though
I didn't appear to be, I did actually find it…fun…in a crazy way…it was a
Nice change to my day-to-day set schedule at Garden…I never got to say thanks…you left me right after.
It's not my fault…you…you've done something to me…if only…if only
You'd wake up I could ask you what, and what the cure is…
I think I must be sick…
With what…No…I don't want to think about that…Rinoa…
What are you…? Some…kind of Angel…that's given me a taste of heaven and what
It could be like if…now you're leaving me behind, letting me fall back to Earth…but I'm not ready…
I'm not ready to go to hell yet Rinoa…
No…you're some kind of…a witch…some kind of spell caster…
You've put a spell on me…haven't you, that's what you've done, that's why I'm
Feeling like this isn't it! You…you made some kind of drink and enticed me into taking it…some kind of
Drug, with you as the main ingredient…I drank your potion, your poison…and it's killing me…Rinoa,
You are killing me, so slowly, every second you don't say a word I am wasting away, losing this internal battle,
This struggle; I am dying, your poison intoxicates me yet it's eating away at my heart, dissolving all the barriers I put up
So I would never feel the pain of abandonment and rejection again; Rinoa, can't you see how much you're hurting me?
It…it's making me lose all sense of reason…all my sanity, please, please stop hurting me like this,
I just want it to stop…you don't understand…this is not just about you…it's years of pain all catching up with me,
I hurt so much…I'm losing my mind, this is all because of you; you came along and taught me how to feel again,
Whether you meant to or not is not the point, the fact is you did it somehow anyway, and I just can't stand it…
So many years of shutting it all out and it all comes back, flooding through me in a second…
I am dying Rinoa…I drank your Love Poison…I think Rinoa…I think that I may…l…love you…it's scaring me…
What I'm feeling for you at the moment, you probably don't feel the same, you wouldn't want me, you deserve better…
After all I was always so cold and distant to you, so sarcastic and unsympathetic…
Why would you be interested in someone like me? Even if I don't have a chance…I'd be happy to die
A lonely life pining after the love I couldn't have just as long as I know you're alive and well and
Happy. That's all that would matter to me…
I just want you to wake up and smile again, speak to me again. Rinoa,
Even if I can't have you, just wake up.
Please…damn it, have a heart and put me out of this miserable waiting!
How ironic I should tell you to have a heart…I'm the bloody asshole who always hid from mine…I deserve all the shit I get.
But it scares me so much…suddenly my heart is in control of everything…is it too late to tell you how I feel?
I would now…because I can't stand it anymore…It scares me so much, and it hurts me to feel all this for you, it hurts me,
It's killing me, I need an antidote, I need an antidote before it's too late…Rinoa, wake up…
Wake up…because you are the cure…the only cure…you put this poison into me and only you can remove it…
I need you Rinoa…please, only you can restore me back to health, I can't fight alone anymore, it's breaking me down…
Cure me from my sickness, please Rinoa…I'm begging you…help me…
Please wake up…please, whatever spell you've cast on me, undo it…you're the only remedy for me…my only hope…
Please Rinoa…please…don't leave me alone again…please…
… Wake up…
End Note:
*Sniffles* Boohoo! I just made myself cry! :'( Please tell me what you think of this, because I'm thinking about maybe doing something like this for some other characters too…hope you liked it! Thanks for reading, and until next time, well-met and happy reading! ^__^