Physician, Heal Thyself
mbsilvana@yahoo.com
Bashir looked down
at the pale symbiont in his hands, hating this more than anything he'd
ever done before. It was admitting defeat, and there was no way around
that fact. By removing Dax, he gave into death. Jadzia
was dying, and he couldn't do anything for her. Jadzia looked
up at him through groggy eyes, and blinked. Just Jadzia. Dax
was already safely on its way to Trill..
He walked out into
the main room of his infirmary to where Worf was waiting. The Klingon
paced back and forth, and Bashir knew that, for Jadzia's sake, he would
have to let Worf in to say good-bye. It was the last gift his
love could give her.
***
Jadzia was gone.
Bashir couldn't believe it. For the past six years, she had been
everything to him. Not that he ever let her know that. He remembered
the flood of agony that had coursed the way through his body the first
time he saw her with Worf, remembered gritting his teeth when Worf invited
him to the "bachelor" party.
Julian walked down
to the corridor to his room, hardly slowing as he arrived at his room.
He removed the red scrubs, throwing them to the floor. He stepped
over them, resolving to pick them up later.... they still had some of Jadzia's
blood them. Unlike his usual meticulous self, Bashir felt no
desire to keep his environment ordered.
Jadzia had joked about
that, saying that he was almost as stressed about order as Odo was.
He remembered her serene face, always tinted slightly by amusement of life.
Dax would continue to live, but Jadzia was gone.
He remembered placing
the symbiont in the carrier to be sent back to Trill. He hoped he'd
be able to meet the new host. For some reason, he'd always been so
sure that Jadzia would outlive him. She'd been reasonable where
he had been brash, so confident where he'd been nervous.
He remembered chasing
her around like a lovesick puppy. He had been so attracted
to her, yet he knew that his approach would meet nothing but rejection.
He had done it for a good purpose, after all. He secret made him
ashamed, positive that he could never be worthy of anyone like her.
And yet Jadzia had become his friend.
Images of her passed
through his mind, Jadzia laughing, Jadzia teasing Odo, Jadzia lying on
the hospital bed. He went into his bedroom and picked
Kokalaga up, hugging the bear tightly to his chest. The tears that
had been threatening finally came to the surface. And Bashir
shed them alone in the darkness.
***
Bashir stood formally,
wearing his dress uniform. The Funeral. He hated funerals.
As a Physician, he hated anything to do with death. It was what he
constantly fought against.
Worf was standing
by the casket, carrying on in traditional Klingon fashion. O'brien
and Kira stood on either side of Bashir, both pale. Kira's
eyes were dark, bearing the loss of both her best friend and her Gods.
Sisko wasn't there.
Sisko had fled for home, and Bashir blamed him for it. Probably wouldn't
even notice the difference when Dax had a new host. First Curzon,
then Jadzia, then someone else. Bashir pushed it his anger
aside. It had no place, here, at the funeral.
The casket was closed,
which saddened Bashir. Everyone should have a final chance
to see Jadzia's beautiful face. He remembered sneaking in earlier
that day, to put something in her coffin.
The eulogy didn't
do her justice. Person after person got up and spoke about Jadzia
Dax until Julian wanted to scream. Jadzia was dead, but this
people were talking about Dax! It was infuriating.
Finally it came time
to bury her, a spaceman's burial. Bashir watched as the coffin was
put in the torpedo tube. He tensed as it was launched.
Jadzia was really gone now.
Julian Bashir turned
to the viewscreen to watch the casket head for where the wormhole had been.
Fitting that she should go that way. And with the casket, a
stowaway sat guard. Kokalaga lay across Jadzia's breast, a
gift from a man who had finally outgrown his youth.
END