DISCLAIMER: CSI belongs to CBS and Alliance-Atlantis Productions. No
infringement intended.
FEEDBACK: Love it, but no flames please I'm fragile!!
SPOILERS: After In the box
SUMMARY: Sara tries to find a way to heal the wounds that Grissom has created
AUTHORS' NOTES: This was originally written in 2003. I've cleaned it up a little and edited here and there. WARNING…Heavy Angst.
This story came from Michaela's wonderful music video My Immortal. There aren't many music videos that touch something in me that makes me want to write a story to accompany it, but this beautiful piece of art cried out angst, so this is the result.
"My Immortal" song by Evanesence
my immortal
I'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now I'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
Alone All Along
The cool Las Vegas breeze blew across the ground casting swirling dust to encompass the kneeling figure of Sara Sidle.
Her scrutinizing eyes scanned every inch of the ground before her, searching for the tiniest clue that could be the key to solving the double homicide, which she and Nick had been given tonight.
"Hey Sara," Nick called out as he took photo's of the scene. "I'm almost done here. What about you?"
His voice washed over her and she found some of the personal distance that she had placed between herself and the whole team, ease away slightly.
Every part of her body ached, dragging her heart down along with it as the last year started to wear down on her, casting immeasurable misery into her soul.
"Almost," she sighed.
Since she had asked Grissom out to dinner and suffered his rejection, her whole world had seemed to crumble around her. Every ounce of what made her who she was had been replaced with emptiness that had started to encompass her.
Grissom had filled her with the tiniest piece of hope almost a month ago when he requested she work with him in the bank vault. Part of her was crying out with joy that he needed her again, but that was short lived soon after when he pushed her further away from him than before. So she had succumbed to the darkness and allowed its aching release to fill her.
Grissom had gone on a month's vacation since that day. Catherine had tried to reassure her that it was purely him needing to take some personal time but she couldn't help wondering if she had driven him away. Well, she was so good at that wasn't she? Hank was gone, not that she really felt anything for him, but he treated her like a woman, something she hadn't had for a long time. Now Grissom had run away from her, further than before. Maybe being loved wasn't something that was meant to happen to her.
Nick came over to her as she picked up the butt of a cigarette and placed it inside her small bindle. He and the others had started to worry about her lately. She seemed to move away from all of them, withdrawing more and more into herself as every day went by.
"Let's get these back to the lab," he told her with a smile. But even he had noticed that his usual Texan charm that usually brought at least a smile to her face wasn't going to work this time.
"Okay," she nodded numbly as she turned from him and walked over towards their Tahoe. She needed to be free of this crime scene and free from the prying questions that would undoubtedly follow as soon as they walked into the quiet confines of the break room.
Nick watched her silently, walking behind her with more than a little nagging fear inside him. There was something seriously wrong with her and he vowed silently to himself that he would help her work out whatever was bothering her.
Sara knew that he cared about her, but maybe that wasn't enough anymore. She had come to the conclusion that loving someone only meant they hurt you in the end. So she leaned on the only one she could ever trust to keep her heart safe, and that was herself.
"You okay?" Nick asked softly as he came to sit beside her in the Tahoe.
"Fine," she told him, nodding curtly as she carefully controlled the emotion inside her heart.
"I heard Grissom's coming in tonight." He was relieved when he saw a tiny flicker of emotion cross her eyes until it died away again just as suddenly. So he tried again, "I know you two are close."
"Close?" she asked quietly as she tried to keep the bitterness from her voice. "I don't know where you got that impression from Nick. Grissom thinks more of his bugs than he'll ever feel about a human being. I wouldn't listen to idle gossip, it'll just get you into trouble," turning away from him she turned to face the window. "we'd better get back."
"Sara," he said softly as he reached a hand out to touch her arm gently. "I'd like to think that you see me as your friend. I hope you know that you can trust me with anything you tell me."
Turning slowly she met his eyes, showing him the flicker of the Sara he knew. Reaching over she squeezed his fingers on her arm.
"You are my friend Nick. You're my only friend."
"That's not true," he protested, sealing her hand beneath both of his. "You have people who love you."
"No I don't," she said sadly as she slowly pulled her hand from both of his. "I don't have anyone."
"You've got me," he grinned. "You'll always have me Sara."
Sara felt the tears prick her eyes but refused to succumb to their overwhelming power. She knew if she spoke then the shaking in her voice would betray her inner wounds and that was something she wasn't ready for right now. So she nodded silently before turning her face away again. She would deal with her sorrow when the time was right but not now, not here, this was no place for tears.
When they reached the lab everything seemed to be quiet with people doing their separate assignments.
"I'm gonna get these to Greg," Nick told her as she moved past his lab.
"Ok," she nodded, offering a small hint of a smile before disappearing around the corner to Trace. She knew he was worried about her, but she couldn't seem to shake this deep-seated ache that had found its way inside her.
She had tried over the last few weeks to banish Gil Grissom from her heart by deleting everything in her life that reminded her of him, but no matter how hard she tried he still managed to control her life. His lingering presence refused to leave her alone.
Her mind drifted back to the plant he had sent her when she'd tried to leave. It had meant the world to her. The small written card that came with it had been an added reminder that he did care, and at that time in her life she'd managed to convince herself that he felt something for her. But knowing what she knew now, she had quickly realised that her feelings were misplaced on someone who didn't care at all.
She'd tried to throw the card away. She had tried to rid herself of his constant presence but no sooner had she thrown it into the trash, her hands had snaked out to catch it.
His recent rejection should have been the ultimate detachment for her. It should have been the final tie that cut her lose from his power over her, but she couldn't seem to let him go. She needed time to heal the wounds he had created inside her heart, but how could she repair the damage when saw him every day? Her logical brain told her she needed the separation but she knew that she was in too deep to pull away from him completely.
Her thoughts swirled around her mind as she neared Trace only to slow down to a steady crawl when she heard Grissom's voice coming from inside the small room.
For a moment she froze. How could she face him? Her heart was still recovering from the last wave of pain he'd inflicted upon her. How could she take another rejection when she still held the scars from the first?
Taking a deep breath she urged herself forward to step up towards the door. Neither man noticed her as she walked slowly into the room with the evidence she held in her hand. Her first instinct was to place the items on the table and flee from the room, but stubborn defiance took over her body as she stood her ground until Grissom turned around.
Grissom's heart caught in his throat the second he laid eyes on her. He'd almost forgotten how beautiful she was. Swallowing heavily, he took a step closer towards her.
The recent surgery on his ears had caused him to rethink the priorities in his life. Sara had been one of them and now that he saw her again after what seemed like a lifetime, he realized how much he had missed her.
"Sara," he smiled warmly as he moved closer to her, his hand reaching out to her arm.
For a moment she didn't know what to do. She was caught in his eyes and unable to pull away. With desperation she turned her attention to the evidence in her hand before thrusting it towards the desk. Her mind fought to find something to say that wouldn't betray the torrid mixture of emotions that rampaged inside her heart.
"It's good to have you back Grissom," she told him, forcing a smile to her face as she backed away from him. "I'll…I'll catch you later."
Turning she tried to flee from the room, needing to put some distance between her and the man who had cut her so deeply.
"Sara wait," he called. He knew he needed to at least try and rebuild something of the friendship he had managed to destroy with a single word.
Sara turned to face him; her movements deliberately slow. She avoided looking up into his eyes, choosing instead to focus on a spot behind him.
"It's good to see you," he told her quietly as he fought to find the right words to say to her.
Sara's heart was aching, the heaviness inside her creating a dark void that threatened to engulf her in a sea of tears. Swallowing hard she nodded silently. She still didn't know what she was supposed to say to him. Settling for something simple, she managed a choked, " You too," before she backed away from him.
A wave of dizziness washed over her and she found herself reaching out to steady herself on the wall.
"Sara?" he asked urgently as he reached out to touch her, but she quickly moved to stand flush against the wall.
"Honey, what's wrong?" Stepping closer he wrapped his fingers around her wrist and waited until she acknowledged him.
"I don't know," she told him tiredly as she tried to pull her arms from his grasp.
"I'll take you home," he said softly as he closed the space between them.
"NO!" Her own voice startled her and she suddenly lifted her head to look into his eyes for the first time. "I'm fine…"
"No you're not," he told her worriedly. "You're sick."
She successfully managed to pull out of his grasp and stood up straighter. He had caused her more pain than anyone else ever had and she wasn't going to fall for his beautiful lies anymore.
"I'm good," she insisted as she fixed him with an empty gaze. "I just need some air."
With a final smile she turned from him and left the lab, only taking a breath as she propelled herself into the cool night air.
For a long moment Sara held her face upturned to the welcoming coolness of the night air. Her heart ached with its heavy burden, unwilling to carry so much pain into yet another day full of regrets and disappointments.
"I will not cry," she muttered to herself as she tried to swallow the burning lump inside her throat. "I will not cry."
Shaking her head sadly, she berated herself for caring so much about someone who had never really cared about her at all, maybe not ever.
The last month without him had been a struggle as she fought to control her raging fears and emotions. The idea of living a life without him had forced her towards a startling revelation, one that she could no longer escape from. She was in way too deep to ever pull back now.
There was no doubt in her mind now that what had maybe once started out as a harmless crush on a man she was attracted to had turned into something far deeper and far more powerful.
"Damn you Gil Grissom," she cursed angrily, reaching a hand to brush the beginning of a tear away with one swift swipe. If she could just stay focused she could go right back into the lab and do her job.
She had to show him that she couldn't be hurt anymore and that she could turn off her emotions just as easily as he could. He may have taken her light away, but she was now more determined than ever not to allow him to take her work from her too.
"Sara," Nick called as he bounded past Grissom and lunged towards her to pull her into a quick hug. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," she told him quietly, carefully avoiding Grissom's eyes as she spoke. "I just needed some air."
"Okay" Nick smiled squeezing her shoulder in reassurance before he let his hand drop to his side. "But if you don't feel good then you tell me…"
"I'm here to work," she told him, carefully choosing her words. "That's basically all I do."
"That's not all you do Sara," Nick told her worriedly. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine," she nodded firmly. Moving towards the door she waved a hand behind her indicating that this conversation was over.
Nick's eyes focused on the space she had left behind her, worry creasing his brow as he turned back to cast a pleading look into Grissom's eyes. Stepping closer towards the older man he lowered his voice into a hushed whisper.
"There's something wrong…I'm sure of it…she's not been herself since you've been gone."
"How so?" Grissom asked as he cast a worried glance into the empty space she had left behind.
"She's been, I don't know…withdrawn, quiet. She hasn't been out to breakfast with us for weeks and just today she was saying—" Breaking off mid sentence he shook his head. "It doesn't matter…I'll keep an eye on her, it's kind of what me and the guys have been doing lately."
"What was she saying, Nick?" he asked quietly. "You were about to tell me."
Nick heard the concern in Grissom's voice and shook his head. "I won't betray her trust, Grissom. Not even for you…" Turning away from his boss he nodded his head in a parting gesture. "I have work to do."
Grissom just stared after his retreating form in confusion before heading off towards his office. If there really was something wrong with Sara then he could only assume it had something to do with him, since she'd been trying her best to avoid him. As the realization sank into his heart it brought the last words that she had spoken to him that night along with it.
'By the time you figure it out, you could be too late.'
His time away had only seemed to strengthen what he felt for her. He was still unwilling to accept what he felt…but whatever it was it was rendering him into an emotional wreck.
00000
Sara leaned on Greg's desk quietly as she waited for the DNA results from the cigarette butt she had found. She could feel Greg's eyes watching her from behind but she had neither the strength nor the will to respond to him in the way he had become so accustomed. It had been so long since she had taken part in the harmful banter he always seemed to save up for her. She knew he thought her withdrawal was his fault but she couldn't seem to shake out of the depression that had slowly overtaken her body.
"Sara," he said quietly from behind her. "Are you mad at me or something?"
Closing her eyes against the sadness she opened them again as she slowly turned around to face him.
"Greg," she sighed. "How could I ever be mad at you? I just don't feel much like talking lately that's all."
"Are you sure?" he pushed, his eyes dropping slowly to the floor as he spoke. "You know I wouldn't do anything that we joke about. I really wouldn't."
Sara's heart ached as his words hit her with another wave of loneliness. Their careful banter had always taken on the form of what he would do if she ever agreed to go out with him. It was something they constantly joked about. But the banter had all but stopped sine Grissom's rejection, and it was destroying everything that made her a whole person. Now she was just a fragment of her former self, someone with no life, no love, no anything.
Swallowing against the lump inside her throat she met his eyes squarely with her own "It's all me Greg…no one else, just all me."
"Is that why you're avoiding us?" he pressed, desperate to be the one to ease whatever it was she was going through.
"I'm not avoiding anyone," she protested albeit unconvincingly. "I don't go out anymore because I choose not to."
Nodding his head slowly, he reached down to pick up the sheet of DNA results before handing it to her.
"Just so you know," he said softly before she retreated towards the door, his eyes holding hers for what seemed like an eternity. "Our nights out aren't the same without you."
His soft admission almost caused her to choke on the unshed tears that had been threatening to overflow for so many weeks. Nodding her head, she backed out silently, not daring to speak because she knew if she did he would hear the sorrow in her voice.
She needed an escape, somewhere to regain her composure and force the sorrow that threatened to engulf her completely into submission.
The break room was deserted, so she stepped inside the quietness. She allowed the peace to overwhelm her as she sank down heavily into a chair and closed her eyes.
If she intended to stay and work here she had to get past these feelings of abandonment and sorrow. She had to get over the fact that the man she loved didn't want her.
Grissom's essence filled her again as his face clouded her mind. His words of rejection were still ringing in her ears, leaving her clinging to memories of the words he had used to pull her in deeper towards him only to throw her away like some discarded toy, broken and forgotten.
Tears threatened to overflow once again as his carelessness took over her. Wrapping her arms around her waist she sank forward, holding herself in her own protective embrace.
With near desperation she stood to her feet and headed towards the women's washroom, needing somewhere private where she could release her torment and let the pain wash over her until the next wave came to claim her again.
The room was empty when she walked in, casting an immense relief to mingle in with her heartache. Walking over towards the mirror she caught sight of her reflection, shock as well as sorrow causing her to draw a ragged breath. She barely recognized herself anymore. Her features were pale and her eyes held a haunted presence. Every day she was losing more and more of who she was, and it was now becoming obvious, even to her.
Her aching heart could no longer withstand the heaviness it carried. Looking down at her shaking hands she moved towards one of the stalls and went inside, locking the door behind her. The tears came before she had a chance to prepare, their powerful onslaught consuming her body as she sank down to sit on the toilet seat. Wrapping her arms around her waist she shook as wave after wave of sorrow left her defeated body.
0000
Grissom walked down the hallway. He'd already searched every place where he thought Sara might be, but all he found was emptiness.
Passing by Greg's office he stepped into the doorway, listening to the unusual quietness of the young man inside.
"Hey Greg have you seen Sara?"
Looking up, Greg offered him an empty smile that failed to reach his eyes. "Yeah a while ago."
"Did she say where she was going?" Grissom pressed, stepping closer into the room. He came to stop beside Greg's desk, noticing how his posture seemed to slump with every second he lingered beside him.
"She didn't say much of anything," he sighed sadly, averting his eyes away from Grissom's penetrating stare. "She doesn't say much of anything, anymore."
"What do you mean by that?" he asked worriedly, even though he already knew the answer to his own question.
"She's not the same," Greg told him. "She's avoiding everyone…or maybe she's just avoiding me."
"Greg," Grissom sighed, his voice heavy with concern as he spoke. "Why would she want to avoid you?"
"I don't know. Maybe it's something I did…I really don't know. I just wish she could just tell me so I could apologize and maybe get back to normal. I miss her."
Grissom's eyes caught Greg's and held for a few seconds before he looked away, the knowledge that whatever she was going through was caused by his carelessness and not by the witty young lab tech before him.
"It's not you, Greg," he told him. "Cruelty isn't something that Sara possesses."
"I know," Greg sighed sadly.
"I'll talk to her," Grissom told him as he turned to walk out of the door.
0000
Inside the women's washroom Sara's sobs had started to die away as the aching sorrow slowly left her body. She knew she needed to find a place where she could focus on to deal with the pain that seemed to tear through her heart every time she saw Grissom or heard his voice.
He could make her knee's grow weak just by speaking her name, and that power scared her. How could she banish him from her heart and erase him when her mind constantly reminded her of the times when they had been happy? The days when she felt so close to him seemed to have been so long ago now. Were they ever really close she wondered, or was it just her mind playing tricks on her.
Standing shakily to her feet she wiped her eyes with the palms of her hands, ridding the wetness from her cheeks before she stepped out to walk towards the sink.
Her eyes met her own reflection. She looked awful. The deep redness in her eyes showed the obvious signs of her turmoil. Turning on the tap, she splashed some water onto her face, cooling her burning skin that held the remnants of tears. She needed to find some sort of peace if she was going to continue to work here.
Reaching for a tissue she blew her nose and took one last look at her reflection. What would he think, she wondered, if he knew she had been crying over him?
Shaking her head she scolded herself as his face appeared inside her mind again, haunting her senses to once again take control of the woman inside her.
"He doesn't want you," she told her reflection, gritting her teeth as she spoke. "No one wants you so just get over it."
Her words brought another wave of sadness to wash over her but she pushed it away, unwilling to succumb to its overwhelming power over her any longer.
With a heavy sigh she took one last look in the mirror before walking towards the door, leaving her sanctuary behind to immerse herself in work once again. She kept her head down as she walked, avoiding people's eyes as she past them. She didn't want anyone to see her like this.
"Sara," Nick called behind her as he jogged up beside her. Reaching out a hand to her arm he stopped her in her tracks. "Hey I've been looking for you."
Sara's heart was pounding inside her chest. Why couldn't everyone just leave her alone? Looking up she met his worried eyes, hoping she had managed to erase the sadness from her own.
"God Sara," he gasped, "are you ok?"
His concern touched something deep inside her and she wished that Grissom would show just a fraction of the worry that she saw in Nick's eyes. But that was very unlikely now that she knew the truth.
"I'm fine Nick," she lied as she reached her hand to his on her arm. She squeezed his fingers gently before moving away from him. "I'm always fine."
"Look we're all going out for breakfast after shift. We would like you to come too," he told her softly.
"I don't think so Nick," she said as she backed away from him to turn towards the confines of the break room.
"Why not?" he continued as he walked beside her, keeping in time with her movements. "Come on Sara, we want you there."
Slowly she turned her face so she could see his eyes, begging him to accept that she needed the distance. "No you don't," she whispered. "I'd only ruin it for you."
"No you wouldn't. Come on Sar, please come with us. You haven't been out with all of us for a long time."
"I can't," she told him, her voice struggling to find an excuse to give him. "I…I have to be somewhere," she lied.
"Well, before shift then," he insisted. "Come on Sara, anywhere you want to go."
"Nick, I…"
"I'll even pick you up," he grinned, hoping that his persistence would somehow grind her into submission.
"Okay," she sighed. It was just one meal. She could handle one meal.
"Great," he grinned, reaching out to pull her into a quick hug before letting her go.
"I'll come to breakfast with you guys," she told him.
"Even better," he grinned. "Greg will be happy."
"Great," she told him, pushing a smile to her face. "I'll see you later."
Nick watched her as she moved away from him. He knew she had tried to put a wall up between herself and her friends over the past month, but he hoped that this was the start of tearing it down so they could pull her away from the darkness that had been surrounding her for so long.
Sighing heavily, he turned away from her retreating form to go in search of Greg.
0000
Sara came slowly into the break room and eased herself down into one of the chairs beside the table. Her head ached with the pressure that she had been inflicting on her tired body for so many months. She knew the others were worried about her and sometimes she even worried herself too. Some days she felt herself slip a little further away from them until Nick would come back and take a firm hold of her emotions to reel her back, closing the divide for a few weeks until she withdrew again.
Leaning her elbows on the table she rested her head in her hands. She laced her fingers through her hair and she closed her eyes. Every part of her mind screamed at her to make a decision to leave but she couldn't bear to endure the final separation.
She heard someone come into the room but didn't look up. She kept her eyes closed against the pain raging through her senses, numbing her heart into an aching shell that had become empty and broken.
"Hey," she heard Grissom's voice speak softly. "Are you okay?"
Opening her eyes. Sara looked up into his worried face. At first she looked behind her, thinking he was speaking to someone else. Surely he wouldn't be speaking to her with such concern in his eyes when he had barely spoken to her at all over the last year.
"Oh," she said in surprise. "Are you speaking to me?"
"There's no one else here Sara," he smiled. "Who else would I be talking to?"
Turning away from his eyes she cleared her throat. "It's usually everyone else you talk to Grissom, not me." Taking a breath she turned to him again. "What did you need me to do?"
"Excuse me?" he asked, confused by her question while his heart still reeled from her first answer.
"I was just sitting down for a while," she told him. "I'll get back to work in a second."
"Sara, that's not why I'm here." Stepping closer into the room he came to pull up and chair and sat down opposite her.
"Oh…then…why?" she asked worriedly, avoiding his eyes as she spoke.
"Why are you avoiding everyone?" he asked quietly, his voice washing over her with deliberate care.
Sara's shuddered breath caused him to reach a hand across the table to hers. Squeezing her hand he watched when she slowly turned her pain filled eyes to his.
For a second she stared at him numbly before whispering a defeated, "I'm tired."
"You work too hard, Sara," he told her as he reached out his other hand and stroked her fingers. "I'm sorry."
Sara drew in a ragged breath as his words cast a tiny piece of hope into her heart, but it died away in a heartbeat when her eyes met his. She knew him so well, maybe better than he knew himself. His eyes told her he didn't know how deeply his actions had affected her, or how hurt she actually was.
"Well," she whispered as she slowly pulled her hand from his grasp, "Then everything is okay now I guess." Pushing back her chair she stood up slowly, avoiding his eyes as she moved towards the door.
"Sara," he gasped out her name, his voice begging her to turn around and face him.
Sara kept still, carefully avoiding his eyes as she waited for him to speak to her. He seemed to be able to move with stealth like speed as he came to stand beside her, his fingers aching to touch her.
"I don't know what to do to make this right."
Closing her eyes against the wash of pain that ached throughout her heart she spoke in a whisper before she stepped over into the corridor.
"I do."
Walking away from him she opened her eyes. The aching sorrow that she had successfully pushed so far away with the last bout of tears had resurfaced to possess her. She couldn't stay in here. She needed some air. Turning she raced out towards the exit, pushing open the doors to walk out into the cool night air. Only then did she take in a deep gasping breath, her heart drowning in unshed tears that she refused to release.
Greg stood up and stretched his back. His hands shook at his side as he tried to steady his tattered nerves. Since the explosion he couldn't seem to steady his hands. His whole existence had been torn apart and shattered into a thousand pieces, taking his confidence along with it.
Needing to take a breather, he stepped out of his lab and stretched his legs. Looking towards the exit, he decided to take a break outside hoping that the fresh air would clear his senses.
Sara left the steps of the lab and made the slow walk over towards her Tahoe. Maybe she should have just gone home. She had chosen to be strong just as she always did, but her strength was quickly fading.
Something clicked behind her and she turned around sharply to see what had caused the sound and was with a fist slamming into her face.
Falling backwards she tried to recover her balance and hang onto the jacket that someone was ripping from her shoulders. She failed miserably and fell to the ground, cracking her head on the cold concrete as she did. Trying to focus, she caught sight of someone running away. Her jacket had been thrown to the ground and her cell phone was in pieces.
Pulling herself forward she tried to sit up, but the dizziness caused her to draw in a ragged breath as a wave of nausea crashed from her stomach, stopping her movements until she could regain control again.
She became vaguely aware of someone coming towards her and a wave of fear gripped at her heart until she heard Greg's voice, high pitched and frantic.
"Sara," he yelped. "Oh god Sara, it's me, Greg. Can you hear me?"
"I'm okay," she groaned as her hands reached out to clench fistfuls of his lab coat. "I need you to help me up."
"No, no, you stay there, you're bleeding," his voice shook as he spoke. Looking around he saw David walking over towards the lab. "HELP…WE NEEDCSOME HELP HERE."
David turned and ran towards them, grinding to a halt when his eyes caught sight of the blood seeping from Sara's forehead.
"Oh god," he gasped. "What happened?"
"I don't know, just go and find someone to help her," Greg hissed urgently before turning his eyes back towards Sara who had started to reach down towards her belt, frantically searching for something.
David took one last look at Sara before turning around to run into the lab.
"Sara try and stay still," Greg told her softly as he tried to bring her fumbling fingers to a standstill.
"It's gone," she told him urgently as she suddenly began searching the ground with her hands.
"What's gone?" he asked worriedly. "Sara?"
"My pager. He took my pager," she told him frantically as she returned her eyes to the ground, trying to find the missing object. "I have to find it."
"Sara it's a pager. It doesn't matter," Greg steadied her hands, stopping her from scraping her fingers along the rough ground. "Sara, stop."
"You don't understand," she wailed hysterically, her breathing coming in shaking gasps as she fought to breathe through the trembling that had overtaken her body.
"What don't I understand?" he pleaded, "help me understand."
"I have to find it," she repeated, "if I miss another one of his pages…" her voice trailed away as tears started to roll down her face. "Please… help me Greg…I need to find it."
Sitting back onto his knees Greg's own eyes filled with emotion as he watched her tears roll down her face to plop onto her searching hands.
"Sara stop," he said quietly, his eyes darting in time with her frantic movements. "Sara please…"
Inside the lab David practically ran into Grissom.
"Sara," he gasped out, panting heavily as he stopped to control his breathing.
"Sara what?" Grissom asked, his heart still aching from their recent conversation.
"She's been attacked," David breathed, "outside."
"What?" Grissom gasped, moving away from David to make his way quickly towards the doors. "Call for an ambulance."
"Yes sir," David nodded as Grissom raced away from him.
"Hey where's Grissom going?" Nick asked worriedly as he came to stop beside David's retreating form.
"Sara's been attacked."
"Oh god," Nick gasped, breaking into a run towards the exit.
Outside in the car park Sara had stopped searching the ground to come to a slow stop, her unseeing eyes staring off into the darkness.
"Sara, are you okay?" Greg asked softly, shifting a little closer towards her as he spoke.
Keeping her eyes focused into the distance she shook her head slowly. She tried to focus on something that would ease her pain, but all she kept returning to was the look of disgust in Grissom's eyes the first time she had missed his page on her day off, so long ago now.
Sounds of footsteps came from behind Greg causing him to turn with grateful relief when he saw Grissom and Nick approaching.
"Sara?" Grissom asked carefully as he sank to his knee's in front of her, searching her confused eyes that were focused somewhere behind him. The blood from her forehead had started to trickle down the side of her face but she kept completely still, unmoving, unblinking.
"Sara," Grissom spoke again as he tried to bring her out of her trance. "Honey, can you hear me?"
Nick came to stand beside Greg, pulling him to his feet. "Are you okay, man?"
"Yeah I'm fine, but Sara," his voice shook as he spoke. "She's so..."
"I know," Nick nodded, patting his shoulder. "Did she tell you what happened?"
"She was crying," he whispered. "I've never seen her cry."
"Why don't you go back inside. We'll stay with her until the ambulance gets here."
"No I want to stay," his eyes looked over to Sara again. "She was more worried about her stupid pager than she was anything else."
"Her pager?" Nick asked uneasily, causing Grissom's eyes to leave Sara's face for a second before returning his worried eyes back towards her.
"Yeah. She kept saying she had to find it because she was scared that she'd miss one of his pages."
"His? Who?"
"I don't know," he sighed. "She just went real quiet and when I asked her if she was okay, she didn't answer me."
Stepping closer Nick knelt down by her side, trying to succeed where Grissom had failed.
"Sara," he asked gently. "Honey we need to get you cleaned up."
When she didn't move, he tried again. "Come on Sara, you promised you'd come out with us. You don't want to disappoint Greggo here, do you?"
His voice found it's way through her darkness and she took a slow, ragged breath.
"My pager," she whispered brokenly.
Grissom moved back as Nick pushed him out of the way. Sitting in front of her he took hold of her trembling hands. "Honey, it doesn't matter about the pager."
"You don't understand," her voice trembled with tears. "He already hates me, and now he'll hate me even more."
"Sweetie, no one hates you," he soothed, trying desperately to coax her back towards him with his voice.
"He does," her voice cracked as she spoke, every word strained with pain. "I missed his page and now he hates me."
"Who's he?" he asked softly, running a thumb over her fingers. "Sara?"
Her bottom lip began to tremble as she struggled to remain in control.
"I have to change," she told him, avoiding his question. "I'm wearing evidence…and my face…it'll have his DNA."
"Okay," he nodded as he allowed her to retreat from his questions for now. "Do you think you can walk?"
"Yeah," she shuddered as she tried to stand to her feet, almost succeeding until a wave of nausea overcame her, causing her to sink back down to her knees.
Unable to stop himself Grissom stepped forward, holding onto her hands. He helped her gently back down to the ground.
"Help will be here soon," he kept his voice low, suddenly unnerved by her closeness.
"I lost it," she whispered brokenly when he leaned closer to hear her.
"Honey this isn't your fault," he told her as he tried to keep his voice from breaking.
"I don't want you to hate me anymore," her words left her lips; cracking through the pain.
Grissom's heart almost broke in two as her sorrowful wounds finally caused his breath to leave him. With perfect clarity, she had laid her emotions bare to him and he had been too blind to notice. Opening his mouth to speak, his words were cut off by the sirens from the ambulance that screeched to a halt in the parking lot and he found he was soon pushed out of the way by the paramedics who had arrived to attend to her injury.
Swallowing his own self-loathing he stood back quietly only to watch on in horror as her eyes drifted closed. There was a sudden flurry of movements that caused an unexpected fear to rush inside his veins.
"Sara," Grissom called out, choking on his fear as he tried to get closer to her unconscious form.
"Sir you need to step back," one of the paramedics ordered, forcing him to move away while they tried to rouse her.
"She was talking," Grissom told them urgently.
Nick came closer towards him and took a hold of his arm to pull him back, his own eyes staring down in horror towards the scene before him.
Sara had seemed to slip further away from them over the last few weeks as if she was trying to disappear altogether, erasing her whole existence.
Tearing his eyes away from her still form he caught sight of Greg who was watching with horrified, staring eyes, his whole body shaking.
"Greg," Nick said softly, causing Grissom to tear his eyes from the woman on the ground to the young lab tech who was slowly slipping into the darkness that Sara had submerged in to.
"Hey Greggo," Nick spoke again, stepping closer to shake his arm, pulling him away from the void that had threatened to overtake him.
Greg turned slowly; his eyes filled with unshed tears as the colour drained from his face.
"It's so soon," he whispered as he turned his eyes back towards Sara whose eyes had started to flutter open.
"What is?" Nick asked worriedly, his voice wavering as he spoke. "Greg?"
"The explosion," he whispered brokenly. "She can't handle it anymore."
Nick moved in closer towards Sara who had started to slap the paramedic's hands away, her eyes darting from face to face with frightened eyes.
"Sara, it's okay," he said softly, "they're trying to help you."
"I'm fine," she insisted, moving her hand up to her face to stop them touching her.
Grissom moved slowly around the paramedics to come and kneel down on the opposite side to her, his voice deliberately low.
"Sara, they just want to make sure you're alright, as soon as you let them do that this will all be over."
His voice surrounded her, reaching through her pain filled haze as her eyes slowly moved to focus on his eyes and was momentarily stunned by the concern in them. Dropping her hands to her side she looked away from him to focus on the space in the distance, a welcoming distraction from his misplaced tenderness.
"Okay," she muttered quietly, allowing the paramedics back towards her, offering her self up to their examinations. She tried to focus on anything but Grissom. She tried to hate him, to push him away but his hold over her was too strong. He controlled her, that much she was aware of and that's why she could never be free to love anyone else. She was still in love with him and no amount of self-loathing or distancing could ever erase him.
Her eyes threatened to overflow with tears again as she thought of all the times he had led her towards him with tender words, drawing her closer until there was no possible escape.
Closing her eyes against the tears she drew in a ragged breath as the paramedics took a step back, talking to her in muffled voices, which she assumed were directed towards her. Opening her eyes slowly, she barely heard the words 'hospital' and 'observation' before she was being lifted to her feet.
From his place at her side, Greg stood to his feet worriedly, observing in quiet silence her reactions as the truth of just how close they had come to lose her inflamed upon his heart, causing a deep shuddering breath to escape his lips.
"I'm fine," she insisted, her eyes darting towards Greg and Nick for some moral support.
"Not this time Sara," Nick told her as he stepped closer to take hold of her hand. "I'll need to take your clothes for the DNA. How about I go and grab your spare set from your locker and I'll follow you to the hospital?"
But I'm fine," she told him in near desperation, as she diverted her eyes towards Greg, trying another tactic. "Please tell them, Greg."
He stared at her, lost and broken as he slowly shook his head to step away, indicating that he couldn't help her with this battle she was slowly losing, when he was finding it almost impossible to battle his own demons that threatened his very existence every day since the explosion had ripped his life apart.
"I'm sorry Sara," he whispered sadly as he watched her eyes darting from his to Nick's, desperate for them to help her.
Her voice struck fear into Nick's heart as he clasped her hand, giving her his reassurance.
"Grissom will go with you, won't you Griss?" he asked, directing his eyes towards the older man who couldn't seem to tear his eyes away.
"Of course," Grissom nodded. "I'll stay with you until they discharge you."
"There, see?" Nick grinned. "You know we're right."
The thought of having Grissom's undivided attention used to at one time fill her with a warm contented feeling, but now, the thought of being alone with him caused her to bury her feelings so deeply inside, afraid to let him see how deeply he had hurt her.
"We'll follow behind," Grissom informed the paramedics who started to help her into the ambulance, turning away before she could vocalize her protests.
She had no other choice but to cope with the impending doom that surrounded her whole body. She could do this, after all he wouldn't sit with her or anything, and he certainly wouldn't talk to her. With every second that passed, she slowly started to calm her breathing. Yes, she could do this.
0000
The arrival at the hospital went smoother than she had prepared herself for. She was ushered into a small room on her own and given a hospital gown to put on.
She looked down at the offending material as she slowly removed her shirt. Slipping an arm into the sleeve, she winced in pain as her sore muscles protested in aching agony for the intrusion on them since her fall on the hard concrete floor. She hated hospitals. Their sterile smell and silence overwhelmed her with so many unwanted emotions that she had to struggle to keep her breathing even. When she finally removed the rest of her cloths, she placed them in the brown evidence bag on the side of her bed, her heart struggling to keep in control as the intensity of the situation suddenly hit her with full force, plunging her into darkening revelations that she would have preferred to avoid.
Taking a deep breath she sat back onto the bed and hung her long legs over the side. Watching the door for signs of movement, as she waited for the doctor to come and check her over.
After half an hour she was still alone. Her eyes drifted around the room, scanning the light green walls. She counted every crack until she lost count halfway only to start again a second later.
The silence in the room was almost deafening and the desolation that overtook her heart should have been a welcoming relief from all the recent pain. It suddenly struck her that the loneliness she had inflicted upon herself over the passed few months hadn't provided the release that she'd expected. Instead all it had left her with was a desolate sea of isolation, and that thought scared her more than anything had ever scared her in her life.
Gil Grissom had not only managed to destroy her heart and tear her apart, he had also managed to leave her doubting herself. Maybe he didn't want her because of the way she was, maybe that's why Hank just used her. Was she so awful that every man eventually turned tail and ran as far away from her as they possibly could?
Holding out her hands she turned them over, palm side up so she could look at the angry scar that intruded onto her flesh from the explosion that happened only a few weeks ago.
This was all she was, she realized, a body covered in battle scars, most of them cutting so deep they couldn't be seen by the naked eye. She had craved silence and isolation ever since Grissom's rejection, almost as if their release was in way some sort of a self made punishment for not being good enough for him.
Tears pricked her eyes as she let the loneliness wash over her in aching waves, its powerful sentiment unleashed throughout her soul as she closed her eyes to the darkness.
Creaking the door open, Nick came to stop in the doorway, his heart aching as he saw her sitting so still. She seemed so small there on the bed, and he found himself moving towards her. Behind him, Grissom came to a stop in the doorway, his eyes taking in the lonely figure of the woman who held his heart. He knew now that he had managed to hurt her with his carelessness and he ached to release her from the heavy burden he'd had created. He watched silently, unable to move as he let the door close behind him as he stood watching the scene unfolding before him.
"Hey," Nick spoke softly as he came to sit beside her on the bed, her silence unnerving him. "How you doing?"
Sara kept her head down as she fought to stop the tears from pooling inside her eyes. She was losing the painful battle; it's overwhelming torture battering down her defences, tearing her apart under the immense strain.
One tear leaked from the corner of her eyes to be followed by another as she slowly succumbed to the sorrow that had been controlling her for so long.
"Oh honey," he whispered painfully as he moved closer to her to slide an arm around her as she broke apart before him. She sank into his chest and unleashed her sorrow in huge wracking sobs that left her body in wave after wave as she clung to him, grabbing handfuls of his shirt as she sobbed.
Grissom almost sank to his knees beside the door; his need to comfort her overwhelming him as he slowly took the few steps closer towards them.
"It's okay," Nick soothed, his voice straining against his own emotions building up inside his chest. He pulled her closer towards him fitting her head beneath his chin as she sobbed out her pain.
Grissom came slowly closer, his body trembling with worry as she cried. In all the years he had known her he had never seen her like this. He'd been with her when she became emotional, yes, but this was different. This was a broken and emotionally drained woman before him.
He ached to touch her, needing to heal her, as if one touch of his hand could erase the torment that he had managed to create.
Nick closed his eyes as he held her against him, keeping his arms wrapped tightly around her. She shook as she unleashed her tears; her deep shudders echoing into his body only to coax his own emotions to ride high alongside hers.
"Shh," he whispered brokenly as he fought to control the wetness in his eyes. "It'll be okay."
--
Grissom watched the scene unfold before him and suddenly felt like an intruder. He hadn't realized just how close Sara and Nick had become while he was in his constant denial against his burnished feelings. He had hidden behind his wall of unspoken truths for so long, he hadn't once stopped to think how his actions would affect those around him, especially the broken woman who he had managed to tear apart with his carelessness.
He'd refused to see her pain for so long, telling himself that she would eventually get tired of his ignorance and move on. How could he have known that he would almost destroy her in the process?
Stepping closer he came to stand tentatively beside the bed. He was torn between keeping his distance and eyeing the door, searching for his escape route. His gaze slowly drifted back towards the two people beside him. The intense scene before him caused an aching jolt to fill his heart as he came to a sudden realization that took his breath away. Had he caused this?
Opening his eyes, Nick looked over Sara's head towards his boss who was watching them with unreadable eyes. He'd always had a feeling that whatever Sara was going through had been caused by a direct action from the man who had brought her into their lives so long ago. He had thrust her into their small group, giving no other reason than his trust in her and expected them to do the same.
After their rocky beginning he had come to love her and value her friendship. She had slowly started to become closer to him, maybe closer than his own sister. Seeing her now so consumed in unhappiness, he had to restrain his accusing eyes towards the one who had hurt her so deeply.
Beside him Sara tried to stop the slow unleashing of sadness from her heart, but the tears seemed to flow in an endless stream. She managed to stem the flow for a few seconds until another onslaught caught her in another wave, bringing more anguish and more sorrow along with it.
Pulling her closer, Nick looked over towards Grissom and spoke in a whisper.
"Maybe you should go and keep the doctor away until she's calmed down."
For a moment Grissom resented Nick for his intrusion, his own need to comfort her overpowering his logical brain, but he knew one of them had to go. Sara wouldn't want anyone to see her like this.
As he moved away he stopped to look silently at Sara's shaking body. Her hair shielded her face from the obvious pain she was suffering, and he found himself breathing in relief as he backed away. Her tears were his undoing. She was his one and only weakness.
Opening the door he walked outside and took a deep shuddering breath. He couldn't help her while he was having a hard time dealing with his own confusing emotions. Part of him wanted to shove Nick as far away as he could so he could wrap her in his arms and hold her forever, but another part of him was terrified of what he was feeling.
He chanced a look into the small pane of glass that allowed him to see into the hospital room. His heart ached sadly as he saw Sara lift her face from Nick's chest to sit herself up. As Nick's fingers gently brushed the tears away from her cheeks, Grissom felt something tighten in his heart, almost choking his breath from his body. He should be the one in there with her, he told himself angrily; he was the one who was in love with her. With a sudden intake of breath, Grissom gulped back down the terror that had leapt from his heart. Did he say love? Where had that thought come from?
Swallowing hard against the thudding inside his chest, he backed away from the door, needing to escape the truth that had shattered the defensive walls that had kept her away. Finding a chair, he sat down heavily as he closed his eyes. He tried to control his breathing as his mind revisited every word, every touch. Had he been so blind that he couldn't see what his own heart was screaming out for him to understand?
Leaning forward, he put his head in his hands as her smile haunted his mind, bringing a shuddering wave of knowledge to his heart. He loved her.
0000
Sara sat back and wiped her hands over her face. Her sobs had reduced to hiccups as stray tears escaped to roll down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry," she whispered sadly as she swiped at the wet streaks on her cheeks.
"Hey," Nick scolded softly. "It's okay."
Closing her eyes she took a deep breath. "He left didn't he?"
"Who? Grissom?" he asked as he reached out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear. When she didn't answer, he shuffled closer towards her. "Honey, please talk to me."
"He really hates me," she whispered as a lone tear made tracks down her cheeks. "I can't really blame him though, I'm a mess."
"Sara," Nick started, only to be cut off by her words.
"No it's okay, you don't have to deny it," she told him as she looked away. "Hank didn't want me either, and god knows he wasn't the catch of the century or anything, but at least I thought he liked me."
"Hank was an ass," Nick told her, his anger for the man who hurt her fuelling his words. "Grissom doesn't hate you."
"He does," she said softly as another tear followed in the tracks of the first. "He does everything he can to keep me away from him. Sometimes I have to think back and try to remember what I did that was so bad to make him hate me so much, but I can't." She turned her haunted eyes to Nick, "What's wrong with me?"
"Sara there's nothing…"
"There has to be," she gasped back tears as she spoke. "Hank used me and Grissom doesn't want me anywhere near him. You can tell me Nick. If I know then at least I can understand what's wrong with me." Her eyes searched his as new tears formed in hers, "I know I'm not beautiful. I know that when I walk down a street no one is going to give me a second look…but…maybe I'm just not worth it..."
"God Sara," he gasped her name as he reached out to clasp her hand. "You are a smart, amazing and desirable woman. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Don't ever think you're not worth it honey, because you are. You're more than worth it."
"Sometimes I look at Catherine and I envy her," she admitted quietly, closing her eyes tiredly. "She doesn't have to work to look the way she does, it's natural for her. Whereas I…never mind …" Sighing heavily, she opened her eyes slowly. "Can you see if you can get that doctor in here? I just want to go home and sleep."
"Sure sweetie," he said softly as he combed his fingers lightly through her hair. "Why don't you lie down for a while and I'll go track him down."
"If I lie down I'll sleep, and if I sleep here they'll make me stay and I don't want to stay."
"Okay," he nodded as he stood up, reaching out to squeeze her fingers before he went towards the door. "Are you going to be okay on your own for a few minutes?"
"I've spent my whole life alone Nick," she whispered. "Just get me out of here."
Her words caused his heart to sink inside his chest as he slowly opened the door to exit the room.
Grissom looked up as Nick stepped outside, his whole body on high alert due to his recent discovery.
"How is she?" he asked quietly as he stood to his feet.
Sighing heavily, Nick turned to him. "She's going through a lot right now, and I don't think it's me she needs."
Grissom caught the look in Nick's eyes and immediately began the slow withdrawal back into the safety of his denial. " I…"
"Look she needs someone in there with her Grissom," he said tiredly as he ran a hand over his eyes. "I'm going to find the doctor…just talk to her, she needs you."
"Me?" Grissom squeaked. "I…look…I'll find the doctor, you sit with her."
"How long are you going to keep doing this to her?" Nick asked him angrily, his words dripping from his tongue in a hushed whisper. "She thinks you hate her."
Grissom caught his breath.
"I don't hate her," he told him in a broken whisper. "I don't."
"Then tell her," Nick ordered, inclining his head towards the door. "I'm going to find the doc."
Grissom watched him silently as he walked away, the fear inside his heart almost choking his breathing as he turned to look inside the room through the glass.
Sara had her arms wrapped around her stomach as she half laid, half sat up with her head propped up on the pillows. Taking a deep breath, he slowly opened the door to tentatively enter.
She didn't move as he approached and half of him hoped she was asleep, but as he approached he saw that her eyes were open, focused on something in the distance.
"Hey," he whispered as he came closer towards her, every step overcoming another emotional obstacle, until he was standing next to her bed.
"Sara?" he asked softly, keeping his voice even as he spoke.
Sara felt his presence. He still managed to take her breath away and she cursed herself for her weakness. Why couldn't she stop loving him? If she could then the pain would surely go away.
Pushing herself up, she held her hands in her lap and averted her eyes. The ever-present emotions lay behind her lashes as she fought to control the lump riding in her throat.
"How do you feel?" he asked quietly, his mind reaching out for things to say to her without giving away the feelings he had only recently admitted to himself.
His words caused a jolt of sorrow to reach out from somewhere inside her, bringing the wave of hurt to her eyes as she met his briefly. "I don't know."
Her voice seemed to spark his heart into overdrive, fuelling his actions as he slowly came closer to sit next to her on the bed, close to her but still a safe distance away.
Words didn't come easily to him where she was concerned, so instead he focused on her hands, and her palms turned limply in her lap. Without thinking he reached out a hand to trace a finger over the scar that stood out against her pale skin.
He felt her gasp as he closed the distance, his eyes watching her face for her reaction, but she refused to meet his eyes.
When he reached in closer and wrapped his hand around hers to thread his fingers through hers, he felt her tremble beside him and suddenly felt the need to protect her.
"I don't hate you," he whispered as he clasped her hand tighter, his own cascading emotions threatening to escape from his eyes as he felt her hands start to shake.
Sara closed her eyes tightly against his nearness. His words reached out to her, easing some of the pain only to be replaced by the ever-present worry that he had spoken in sugar-coated lies.
A tear slipped from beneath her lashes once more to roll down her face but before she could wipe it away, his hand was on her cheek, tenderly turning her face towards him.
"I don't hate you," he told her again in a shaky whisper.
Sara closed her eyes as she lost herself in his touch. The brief escape from her pain was a welcome release as she let him wash over her, until the door opened suddenly to break the tender moment between them.
Sara turned her head away from the intrusion as her doctor came into the room closely followed by Nick. Her first instinct was to prepare for the withdrawal of the man beside her, knowing that he would never let himself be seen by anyone to show any kind of affection. For a few painful seconds she closed her eyes unable to watch his slow separation from her. But the separation never came.
Grissom stayed by her side, refusing to take his hand from hers while the doctor came to stand before her.
"Sorry I took so long Miss Sidle," he smiled. "I'm Doctor Lees."
Looking down at the file in his hand he stepped closer to take hold of her chin. Lifting her head upwards while he shone a light into her eyes.
"That's a nasty bruise you have there," he commented as his eyes scanned over the angry welt appearing on her cheekbone. "Any headaches?" he asked, while he took a closer look into her eyes.
"No," she muttered. "When can I get out of here?"
"She lost consciousness," Grissom told the doctor as he turned his eyes to see the anger flare in hers. Her fingers clenched around his before she released his hand, pulling away from his touch.
"I felt sick that's all," she protested. "But I'm fine now."
"Well let me be the judge of that," the doctor smiled as he moved a hand to her shoulder, touching it gently for any signs of breaks.
"Goddammit," she hissed
"Does that hurt?"
"Yeah of course it hurts," she muttered. "I fell back on my shoulder before I hit my head."
"Okay let me take a look," he turned towards the two men in the room. "Would you both mind stepping outside while I examine the patient."
Grissom watched for her reaction before he moved away from the bed, his overwhelming need to protect her overtaking all of his logic. He wanted to stay with her but he knew he had a lot of soul searching to do first before she would open up to him.
As he moved away from the bed her quiet voice choked out from somewhere deep inside her throat. "Stay."
All three men turned eyes towards her and she suddenly felt incredibly raw before their eyes.
"Can they stay?" she asked quietly, averting her eyes before they could read hers. "Hospitals make me nervous."
"If you want them here," he nodded.
Grissom's breath caught inside his throat. He ached to stay but at the same time was terrified that she needed him. These feelings raging inside his heart were all incredibly new and intense all at the same time and he feared that he would be swallowed whole into chaos.
Nick caught sight of the fear dancing in Grissom's eyes and stepped over towards the older man.
"Grissom why don't you go and see if Brass has arrived?" Then turning towards Sara he smiled. "I'll stay with you okay, Sar?"
She nodded mutely, her mouth clenched tightly in pain as the doctor touched her shoulder again.
"You could be a little more gentle," Grissom spoke up angrily as he took a step closer. "She's in pain."
The fear that had cascaded inside his heart only a few moments ago began to seep away to bring his protectiveness into the fore.
"Nicky stay with her. I'll find Brass and then we'll get her home."
Taking one last look at Sara's closed eyes he stepped closer towards the door and closed it behind him.
"Sorry about him," Sara sighed painfully as soon as the door closed.
"Don't worry Miss Sidle," the doctor smiled. "I see this all the time from over protective boyfriends, just relax."
"He's not my..." she started but winced in pain as he lifted her arm. Coming closer, Nick took hold of her free hand, rubbing her fingers gently as he offered her a warm smile.
When the doctor pulled the gown away from her shoulder, Nick gasped loudly. The angry bruise on her shoulder had started to darken into deep purple welts that spread half way across her back.
"Oh Sara," he whispered. "That guy really did a number on you."
"Had worse," she muttered as the doctor pulled the gown back in place.
"From what I can see it's mostly bruising. I'll prescribe you some pain killers."
"Can I go home?" she asked hopefully, willing him to say yes.
"You lost consciousness, so I want to keep you here for a few hours."
"What?' she gasped, "but I'm fine."
"Just for observation," he smiled. "I'll come by and check you over later and f there's been no change then you can go home."
Sara closed her eyes mournfully as the doctor left the room. She hated hospitals, and hated staying in them even more.
"Hey it's only for a few hours," Nick soothed as he reached out a hand to her hair. "You might as well lay down and rest up a little."
"I just want to go home," she moaned miserably as he pulled back the covers for her to climb into the bed.
"I'll stay with you if you want," he grinned. "Who needs sleep anyway?"
Easing herself back into the pillows, she winced slightly as her shoulder sank into the softness. "Thanks."
0000
Grissom made his way towards the hospital exit to scan the line of cars parked in the car park. He saw his own, then a little further along the line, he saw Brass sitting in his.
The other man lifted his hand in greeting while he climbed out of the car. "How is she?" he asked worriedly as he locked the door behind him. "I only got the message half an hour ago."
Grissom sighed heavily as he waited for Brass to come and join him. "She's sore and shaken, but this is Sara, you know how much she hates hospitals."
Brass regarded his friend for a long moment. Grissom's jaw was clenching in worry and his posture revealed more about his inadequacy to deal with this situation than his words ever could.
"She does?" he asked. Pressing further, he watched the mixture of fear and worry cross Grissom's eyes before he spoke again. "Come to think of it I haven't worked with you and Sara for months now. What's the deal with you two?"
Turning sharply, Grissom stared at him blankly, unwilling to reveal these new feelings that waged war inside his heart and soul to anyone else.
"Look, why don't you just get the details from her, then Nick can get her clothes back to the lab and I can get her out of here."
"Hey I'm on your side," Brass grinned as they began to walk back inside the hospital.
"She's hurt bad Jim," Grissom spoke softly, his voice revealing his inner turmoil. "I can't help thinking that this could have been a lot worse."
"Well lucky for us it wasn't," Brass told him solemnly. "We don't need another Holly Gribbs incident on our hands."
Brass' words sent a sudden shockwave of fear coursing through Grissom's veins. All this time, Holly hadn't even crossed his mind, but now, now that he thought of what could have happened. His breath suddenly caught inside his throat as he struggled to breathe, he'd come too close to losing her this time.
"You okay?" Brass asked worriedly as he caught sight of Grissom's pale features.
"Yeah," he breathed, expelling the constricting airways to somewhere near normal.
"She'll be okay Gil," he told him reassuringly. "Sara always bounces back remember?"
"We're here," Grissom spoke, stopping outside the closed door before he turned to look towards his friend. "Can you get this over with quickly so I can take her home?"
"You know I will," Jim nodded, a smile reaching his eyes as he spoke.
Satisfied with his answer, Grissom looked through the glass window before opening the door slowly to step inside.
Nick looked up as they entered. His hand was entwined in Sara's as she lay on her side, her eyes closed. His thumb gently rubbed her fingers while he turned his eyes back to her face.
"Sara," he whispered, coaxing her to open her tired eyes. "They're here."
Grissom watched with alarm as she turned onto her back to look over towards them, her eyes avoiding his, as she spoke.
"The doctor won't let me go home."
Grissom felt something give way inside his heart as he stepped closer towards the bed. He wanted to reach out and hold her close to reassure her that this wouldn't be forever, but he knew it was all too soon.
"Nick?" he asked, turning his eyes towards the younger man at her side. He tried to control the new feelings of inadequacy that found their way inside him. He didn't like Sara's closeness to Nick, something that he had always had problems with himself, and the fact that he was touching her.
"It's just for observation," Nick told him quietly, his gaze drawn to Sara's pale face as he spoke. "He's going to check her over in a few hours."
Stepping further inside the room, Brass came closer towards the bed. "Hey Sara," he smiled. "How you feeling?"
"I'm fine," she muttered.
"Okay," he nodded, recognizing the stubbornness that was distinctly Sara. "Can you tell me what happened?"
"I'm sorry," she sighed as she closed her eyes. "I didn't see his face."
"Well anything else that could help us?" he pressed, knowing that the investigator inside her would take over if she opened up to herself.
Sara closed her eyes tightly as she thought back to the incident, surrounding herself with sounds and smells, until it hit her suddenly.
"He smelt sweet, sickly sweet."
"Good," Brass nodded as he wrote it down. "Anything else?"
"Yeah, his fist," she groaned, reprimanding herself before she spoke again. "His hand was huge and his knuckles looked like they were worn away."
"Worn away?" he asked confused.
"Yeah, you know, hard, like he'd been in a fight and they'd healed." Opening her eyes she looked over to Brass, her eyes suddenly aware. "He wasn't after me, he wanted my jacket. He tried to pull it off me before he ran off, but all he got was my pager…." Her voice drifted away as she spoke, her haunted eyes closing against the images inside her mind.
"Okay Sara," Brass soothed, "is there anything else?"
She fought inside the dark recesses, going over the events frame by frame until she found the one clue that could turn this around. Opening her eyes, she focused on Brass "He was a street person."
"You're sure?"
"Yeah I'm sure he was," she whispered. "His fist was dirty."
"Okay, I'll get back and start running with this," he told her as he moved towards the door. "Gil, you want a ride back with me?"
Hearing his name mentioned, Grissom tore his eyes away from Sara's still form.
"No," he said softly. "Nick you take Sara's clothes back to the lab, I'm staying here."
"Okay," he nodded as he felt Sara's hand clench his tighter. Standing up, he leant over to kiss her forehead before she loosened her grip on his fingers. "Talk to him," he whispered into her ear before he took a step back.
Grissom watched Nick and Brass leave, nodding silently before he walked over towards the chair that Nick had only just vacated. Easing himself down, he watched her silently before snaking out his hand to link his fingers through hers.
Sara kept her eyes towards the ceiling, unwilling to allow the man beside her to read the wavering emotions in her eyes. The last few months had been slowly grinding her down until she could no longer feel anymore.
She had come to terms with the fact that Grissom had no feelings where she was concerned, something that had been finalized so long ago.
But now, here he was confusing the reasoning that she had lived with for so long, breaking down her defences and crumbling the heart that only half lived inside her.
Taking a deep breath, she tried to focus on all the times when she had chosen to be strong; to cast him from her life, but it was hopeless. He had broken through the painful boundary that she had refused to let him tear away, taking everything that made her who she had become along with it. He still held her heart in his hands and no amount of pulling away was effective anymore.
She felt him stroking his thumb across her fingers, filling her with a sense of peace she hadn't felt in such a long time, but she couldn't let him fool her again with the games he loved to play with her heart, she couldn't cope with his refusal to be near her any longer.
"What are you thinking?" he asked, his voice cutting through her thoughts.
He watched her carefully; her face seemed to grow paler over the last few minutes. Bringing up his other hand, he enveloped her fingers between his.
"Talk to me, please," he whispered, her silence scaring him more than anything he had ever felt before.
Sara closed her eyes against his words as she fought for control. Her emotions winning the everlasting struggle to dominate her soul as a tear leaked out from the corner of her eyes, until she couldn't keep the heartbreaking sorrow from emerging any longer.
"What do you want me to say?" she whispered through a trembling voice, her bottom lip quivering as she spoke.
"Sara," he sighed sadly, his eyes dropping to their clasped hands. "I want you to be happy."
Sara's breath caught on a sob, her sorrow drowning her heart into pain as she heard his words wash over her. He wanted her to be happy?
Keeping her eyes closed, she sniffed back the tears in her eyes as she spoke, her voice heartbreakingly low. "You took it all away."
"I took what away?" he asked worriedly, as he pulled his chair closer towards her bed, letting go of her hand for a moment as he did.
Sara gasped at the loss of contact, cursing herself for needing his touch so much when he didn't care about her. Pulling her hand away, she moved onto her side to face away from him so she could unleash her tears without having to face his pitying gaze.
"Sara?" he asked again, his hands missing her touch as he fought to clear the thumping of his heart rampaging through his body. "Please, tell me what I took away?"
"Me," she whispered painfully, her voice shaking with every breath she took. "You've taken my happiness away." Her words drowned her senses in sorrow until she couldn't control the anguish any longer. One shuddering breath followed another until she was overwhelmed in uncontrollable tears that coursed through her body leaving painful tremors in their wake.
Grissom looked on horrified as she crumbled before his eyes. He wanted to reach out and comfort her but he didn't know what to say. How could he tell her that he had been blind for so long? That he craved her presence when he was alone, that he longed to just bask in her shadow if only she would let him.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice shaking with emotion as he moved a hand out to her side to lay it on her heated body. "I'm so sorry."
"You don't even know do you?" she whispered brokenly through tears as she held herself tightly. "You don't know why you're sorry."
"I…" he started, but stopped as he tried to focus on her words. She was right of course, he didn't know the full extent to her anguish, but he knew he had to push forward if they were going to get through this. "Help me to understand," he pleaded, moving his hand further over her side as he urged her to move onto her back. "I need you to help me."
Closing her eyes, Sara followed his hand to roll slowly onto her back, wincing as her bruised shoulder touched the pillows. The pain shot through her back, bringing a curse to her lips, numbing her tears.
"You don't care about me," she whispered as a stray tear slid from the corner of her eyes.
Sitting forward, he clasped her hand in his, desperate for her to face him as her words sought out his soul, impaling him deeply.
"I do care Sara," he told her, squeezing her hand. "I just don't know how to…" he closed his eyes, fighting to find the right words. "I don't know what to do with what I feel."
"Why are you even here?" she said softly as she turned her head away from him. "I can't play your games anymore Grissom. I don't have anything left for you to take."
"Sara?" he tried again, swallowing his uncertainty as he spoke, "I don't know what to do."
"Do the same as always Grissom," she told him through ragged breaths. "Do nothing."
"Sara?"
"I'm so tired of your lies," she told him brokenly as she closed her eyes against the tears. "I can't take it anymore okay? Just let me breathe."
Her words haunted him as the truth soared painfully through his chest. Moving closer he reached for her hand, holding it tightly as he took a deep breath.
"Sara, I'm not very good at relationships. You know that."
"I asked you to have dinner," she told him through bitter tears. "I didn't ask you to commit to me! If I'd known you hated me so much I wouldn't have ever asked you. Look," she sniffed, halting the wetness in her eyes as she spoke. "Why don't you go back to your bugs. I'll transfer away somewhere and you can forget all about me."
Grissom clasped her hand tighter in his as her words brought tears to his eyes. "I don't hate you and I don't want to forget you."
"Haven't you forgotten me already?" she whispered brokenly as she turned her head away. "You treat me like some kind of disease, you leave without saying a word, and you say you don't hate me?" Closing her eyes she pulled her hand from his grasp. "Please leave Grissom. I can't forget about you if you don't leave me alone."
"Forget?' he asked shakily, drawing in a breath as he spoke. "I don't hate you, and I'm so sorry I made you think I did."
"You didn't have to make me think it Grissom, you made it perfectly clear that you didn't want me anywhere near you, and I've tried to make myself understand you for so long," tears slipped from her lashes as she spoke sadly, her heart aching. "I keep going back in my mind, over and over but I can't think what I did to make you so mad at me. I still don't know what I did."
"You didn't do anything wrong," he whispered.
"So what is it then Grissom?" she asked, her voice sparking in anger as she turned her head to face him. "You enjoy ripping my heart out and stamping all over it? Well you've broken me, congratulations. Are you happy now?"
"Sara?" he gasped, his eyes searching her tired eyes as he spoke. He was overwhelmed with her sadness and he found himself reaching for her with his hand, desperate to touch her. " Please listen to me?"
"You don't have to say anything," she sighed sadly, all the anger dying away from her eyes to leave emptiness behind. "Just tell me one thing okay?"
"Anything," he nodded, sitting up closer.
"Did you ever care about me?"
For a long moment he sat in stunned silence, his heart constricting his breath as it beat loudly inside his ears. Sitting closer to her he opened his mouth to speak, only to close it again as the words died on his lips.
Sara closed her eyes and turned her head away from him, his silence providing her with the painful answer that she had known deep down inside all along. "Please leave."
Lifting his eyes he struggled to keep the wetness away, his liquid emotion so overwhelming inside his heart. Reaching over towards her, he took hold of one of her hands, stroking her fingers gently as he fought to find the right words to say.
Sara gasped with his touch, a sob catching in her throat. "Please don't do this to me anymore," she whispered, her voice cracking under the intense strain. "I can't do this."
"Sara," he gasped brokenly, grasping her hand tighter as a single tear broke free from his eyes to roll painfully down his cheek. "I did. I do."
Tears escaped her eyes, rolling down her cheeks to fall into her hair. "I wish I could believe you," she whispered, her voice drowning in sorrow. "I don't know what to do."
"Trust me," he told her, the urgency in his voice causing her to turn her head towards him.
She wanted to trust him, and her heart ached to believe his beautiful words, but how could she be sure this time? As she looked over his sad face, she was struck by the sorrow emanating from deep within his eyes. Reaching over towards him with her free hand, she touched his wet face delicately with her finger, tracing the tears down his cheek. She found her eyes drawn to his, seeking the truth inside his deep blue depths.
"I'm so tired of this," she whispered, her words struggling through the emotion in her voice. Her head hurt with aching numbness, closing her heart into darkness as she sought to sift the truth from his mountain of lies. How could she trust a man who had hurt her so many times again and again?
"I'm sorry I did this to you. I'm so sorry Sara," he spoke softly, drawing her back to him with his words. "Tell me what I can do to make things right between us…tell me and I'll do it."
Closing her eyes, she took in a shaking breath, her heart waging a war against the logical part of her brain.
"I don't know if you can fix this Grissom. I don't know anything anymore."
"Just," he sighed, his voice caught in heavy emotion as he spoke, "please just give me the chance to try?"
"You need to leave now," she told him in a whisper, her mind screaming at her through the agonizing confusion that battled with her heart. She needed time to think things through, to reason with her mind.
"No," he told her quietly, his stubborn defiance shining through his words as he held on tighter to her hands. "I'm not leaving you."
"You left me a long time ago Grissom," she whispered, unable to keep the words slipping from her lips as she pulled her hand from his. "Please leave me alone."
"No," he repeated, "I told you I wasn't leaving."
"What do you want from me?" she moaned miserably as she rolled over onto her side, careful to not jar her shoulder as she turned away from him.
"I want a second chance."
"I gave you a hundred chances," she whispered tearfully as his words washed over her unleashing more sorrow inside her.
"Then give me one more," he answered, hope filling his voice as he shuffled closer to touch her back. He felt her tense beneath his fingers, her whole body unwilling to grant him the closeness he craved. "That's all I'm asking Sara."
"Until the next time," she told him softly; careful to hide the emotions in her voice, but as every second ticked slowly by she became more and more overwhelmed with the heartache coursing throughout her heart. "I don't know if I can trust you anymore."
"Then let me try to give it back to you," he pleaded, his words reaching out to her. "Please let me try."
"Are you leaving?" she asked, ignoring his words as she spoke.
"No."
"Then let me sleep," she told him, hoping she could silence his words into submission, but she only succeeded in bringing him closer.
"You sleep," he whispered as he gently brushed his fingers over her arm. "I'm not going anywhere."
She listened quietly for the next few minutes, pretending to sleep as she fought for the control of her heart. His warm hands stroked her back, emanating a wonderful heat throughout her tired, broken body and she found herself even more confused that she had ever been.
How many times had she trusted him after he gave her a tiny morsel of a smile, or brushed her skin? How man times had she handed over her heart to him only for him to tear it apart before her eyes?
She loved him so much, even after everything he had put her through and despite the fact that she tried desperately to relinquish his control over her, she couldn't escape him.
Part of her wanted to reach out and hold him, to forgive him everything and give him the chance he wanted, but that side of her battled within her, rearing up with conjured images of all the times he had burned her with his endless denial.
Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes, seeking release from the endless maze of loss that taunted her heart over and over again.
His voice startled her, his inner pain reaching out from behind his mask to coax her heart into acceptance. He spoke in no more than a whisper as he stroked her back, his heartfelt words reaching into her soul as he poured out his heart to her.
"I know you think I did what I did to hurt you," he whispered softly. "I don't know how to make things right between us, but you deserve the truth from me before you hear it from someone else."
Sara held her breath, should she speak and reveal that she wasn't asleep or keep silent? While she fought with her turmoil, he spoke again.
"First of all, I thought you was in a relationship with that EMT and I just assumed you had moved on. He could give you everything that I couldn't," he sighed heavily as he flexed his fingers on her back " I admit I was more than a little hurt, I'd always felt that we had something between us, but you had chosen someone else, and I decided to give you distance."
He fell silent for a moment and Sara thought that he had finished speaking until she heard his indecision as he spoke again.
"Catherine told me what he did to you. You were always too good for him Sara. Yeah I know it's easy for me to say that when you went through all the pain, but I really am sorry he hurt you."
Sara took a deep breath, sniffing back the beginnings of tears as she turn over to face him.
"I never loved him," she whispered.
He stared at her for a long moment, her words coaxing him closer as he reached his hand over to stroke her hair.
"What about you?" she asked softly, fear striking inside her heart as she spoke. "Do you love her?"
Grissom looked up sharply, his eyes finding hers as confusion crossed his eyes. "Her?"
She closed her eyes before she spoke again, the name bubbling inside her head bringing nausea along with it. "Lady Heather."
She heard him gasp with the mention of her name and was almost too afraid to open her eyes to see the truth in his eyes, but his voice broke through her fear.
"I was lost in the moment," he admitted sadly. "I needed an escape and she provided me with one. There was no love there Sara, I promise you."
"What do you want from me?" she asked softly, repeating the question she had asked him earlier. "I don't know where I fit into your life anymore, or if I ever did."
"I want us to try and work through this," he told her as he threaded his fingers through her hair. "I want you to know me."
"I thought I knew you once," she told him as she averted her eyes, "but you never let anyone in, well no, you never let me in anymore."
"I'm letting you in now," he told her, his voice barely a whisper as he stroked her arm with his free hand. "I have something I want to share with you."
"What happens when you decided I'm no good for you again? I won't get close to you so you can push me away again," she looked him directly in his eyes, telling him with one look that she wouldn't be fooled again.
"I won't," he promised, "but I need to explain to you why I left, and where I was," his hand stilled on her arm as he spoke, waiting for her reply before he told her the truth.
She regarded him for a long moment; his touch soothing her into what she hoped wasn't a false security. Reaching over a hand, she stilled his on her arm causing him to look into her eyes.
" Talk," she told him, simple and to the point, conveying with just one word that she was ready to listen.
He regarded her for a long moment before taking a deep breath. "Have you ever heard of Otosclerosis?" he asked softly as he found her eyes again.
"I," she started. "Yes, I have."
"My mother has it, and so do I."
"What?" she gasped, pulling on his hand urgently, urging him to look at her. "Are you okay?"
Her concern touched him deeply; causing his heart to stir as he threaded his fingers through hers. "I am now, yes."
"But?" she shook her head confused. Her heart began to beat so loudly in her ears that she had to struggle to control her rising fear. He was sick and she didn't know? His voice broke through her heartbreak, easing her fear as she looked into his eyes.
"I was losing my hearing," he told her softly, watching her eyes for their reaction. "I spent the last four weeks recovering from surgery."
Sara watched him silently, sudden tears building in her eyes, how could she have not known? "Why didn't you tell us?" she asked desperately, her fingers clasping his hand in hers. "I would have stayed with you, any one of us would have."
A single tear slipped from beneath her lashes to cause a wet track down her cheek as she squeezed his hand in hers, her soft movements causing him to search her face.
"Hey," he smiled as he moved his hand from her hair to wipe the tears away, "what's the tears for?"
"You went through this on your own?" she sniffed, her heart aching to draw him into her love and heal him from his pain. All this time she thought that he only had a problem with her and it wasn't her at all.
"It was my problem," he shrugged, "I didn't want to burden anyone else with it."
"But you're not a burden Grissom," she told him brokenly as her heart shattered inside her chest " don't you know by now that whatever hurts you hurts me too?"
"Sara," he sighed, closing his eyes before he tried to speak again, but found he couldn't.
"I'm sorry," she whispered sadly as he fell silent. "I always seem to say the wrong things don't I?" Pulling her hand away from his she closed her eyes against the outpouring of grief that desperately tried to escape her heart. "I know you don't feel that way about me."
Her words caught his heart inside their vice like grip, causing his breath to leave his body in a deep shuddering gasp before he reached out for her again, needing her touch.
"I do know," he whispered, bringing her eyes back towards his. "I know because seeing you like this, hurt and in pain, and knowing I'm the cause…."
"Don't," she sniffed through tears, "can we not do this now?"
"I need you to know Sara," he told her, clasping her hand closer to his face, relishing the softness against his skin as he pressed his lips to her fingers. He felt her shudder beneath his hand, a soft tremble that cascaded throughout her entire body as she sought to control her breathing.
"I know," she told him as she brushed one of her fingers against his lips in wonder, loosing herself inside the depths of his eyes, "but not here, not now."
"Why not? You're always the one who wants to get things out in the open," he smiled, feeling some of the aching pain ease away from his heart when he saw a hint of a smile cross her sad face.
"And you're always the one in denial," she countered, her heart melting under his gaze as he once again pushed the pain aside to take hold of her heart to reel her in towards him.
"This time it's different," he told her, his finger tracing her lips as he spoke. "I'm different."
"What if I'm not ready?" she asked, the fear inside her heart creeping back into her words as the past came back to haunt her with powerful images.
"I'll wait," he told her simply as he slowly released her hand to move away from her. His intentions had been to leave her to rest, but her closeness enticed him, his heart needing her presence like he needed to breath, but as he pulled away from her, she reached for him again.
Sudden awareness struck her from somewhere deep inside her as she struggled to sit up, "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to see if I can track down your doctor," he told her softly before he moved back towards her to help her sit up. "I'll see if we can get you out of here."
He leant in close to her, wrapping his arms around her to pull her upwards. The second his arms closed around her she started to tremble with anticipation. Being so close to him caused her heart to burst, casting all the pain aside as she relished the feel of him surrounding her body.
Grissom too was having trouble breathing, his whole body screamed out for her touch. His need for her became apparent as he slowly pulled away from her warmth to gaze down into her eyes.
He was so close to her now; close enough to feel his breath on her face. She searched his blue depths to find the answers she desperately needed to heal the deep wounds he had caused her. He had never let her in this close to him before and she felt herself drowning in the answers that washed over her body with perfect clarity.
"Grissom?" she whispered softly as he smiled down into her eyes, his own need to find her truth reaching out to him, drawing her deeper into his heart.
He leaned in closer to her, delighted with the tiny gasp that escaped her lips as he pressed his lips to her cheek. He was losing his battle for control as he lost himself in the feel of her. Her sweetness called out to him, enticing him to linger closer to her than he had intended. Pulling back slowly, he struggled to find his voice and to stop his need to kiss her again "I…um…"
"Find the doctor," she whispered as she focused on his lips before drifting back up to his eyes again. "Please get me out of here."
He nodded numbly, her closeness causing his whole body to react in ways that he had long been unaccustomed to and he had to force himself to move away.
These new feelings floating around inside him were both exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. He knew they needed to talk, to clear the distance between them before they could come together and heal the wounds that still raged deeply within them.
"Okay," he nodded, backing away towards the door, his eyes unwilling to break with hers until he was forced to.
Sara's heart sank when the door closed behind him. She was so confused she didn't know what was right or wrong anymore. All she did know was that when he had come in so close to her, it had felt so right, so intoxicating. She loved him, that much was apparent and that's why he still caused her so much pain. She could feel her resolve slipping away from her and the barriers she had erected to protect herself from him crumbling away to leave her fully open to him once more. She fought with her inner demons, battling with her love and her sorrow. What if he rejected her again? Could she still go on working with him?
With a heavy sigh she closed her eyes against the feelings that refused to leave her heart.
Grissom wandered over towards the reception desk, determination marked with every stride as he neared. Waiting patiently, he watched while the charge nurse finished her telephone conversation before he spoke.
"Hi my name is Gil Grissom, I'm with Sara Sidle in room 5," he leant closer over the desk, smiling his most charming smile before continuing. "I was wondering when Doctor Lees was scheduled to examine her again."
"Let me check," she smiled up at him, her eyes flitting between the computer screen and his eyes. "I can't see anything on the screen, but I could page him for you."
"Oh that would be great," he smiled as he caught sight of her name badge, "Cindy."
"It's my pleasure," she blushed, her cheeks reddening as she turned her eyes away.
"I'll go back and wait with Sara," he smiled. "Will you ask him to meet us there?"
"Of course," she nodded, her eyes following as he turned to walk away.
Sara looked up as the door opened, a smile returning to her face as he came into the room and closed the door behind him.
"The nurse at the front desk is going to page him for us," he told her as he came to sit in his still warm chair.
"Really?" she asked, a smile forming on her lips, as she spoke, "I didn't know they did that sort of thing."
"Ah," he grinned, "you have to know how to ask."
"Gil Grissom, I don't believe you," she exclaimed, a huge smile gracing her pale face "you leave me for two minutes and you're hitting on the nursing staff?"
"Hey if it gets you out of here sooner then I'll do anything," he told her as he reached for her hands to thread his fingers through hers.
They fell into a comfortable silence once more as she stroked his fingers gently with her own. A wave of contentment washed over her body as she settled into his touch, his closeness mending some of the aching wounds that gaped painfully open, searching for his love to close them again.
Her need for him scared her as she looked up into his eyes. She couldn't change the fact that she loved him, her adoration always came back to grasp her heart, its overwhelming emotions causing her whole body to shake within her. Clasping his hand tighter, she smiled up at him.
"Is everything ok now?" she asked quietly as her eyes drifted down to their intertwined hands, "with your hearing I mean."
Her words reached deep inside his heart, her concern warming him with a slow delicious burn. He let his gaze washed over her, igniting something deep down inside his heart. She had always been by his side through everything, standing firm, protecting him from situations she couldn't possibly control and all he had done was push her away, time and time again, hurting her deeply in the process.
Lifting their joined hands to his lips, he pressed a small kiss on her fingers before meeting her eyes. "I have to go back for regular hearing tests, but yeah, for now everything is ok."
Sara nodded mutely; her eyes focused on the skin his lips hand just burned. How could this be happening to her now? She had spent the last few months erecting walls around her heart with careful avoidance, only to have him break them down with his words.
"I'm glad," she smiled softly, dropping her gaze back towards their joined hands.
"Are you okay?" he asked quietly, leaning in closer towards her as he spoke " How's your shoulder?"
"Stiff," she smiled as she lifted her head to face him, instantly caught in his gaze. A silent understanding passed between them to convey every feeling, every touch in something so pure and powerful it almost took her breath away.
"I have so much I need to tell you," he whispered, his fingers stroking her hands as he spoke. "I need to explain why I acted the way I did."
"Shh," she told him softly, reaching up a finger to press against his lips, "not here."
His eyes met hers again and he found himself drowning in her deep brown eyes, willingly falling down into her depths. She had an amazing effect over his heart, causing him to feel like a teenager again on a first date. Pressing his lips against her finger that was still laying delicately against his mouth, he placed a kiss on it, delighted with the smile that crossed her face as she pulled away slowly to return her gaze towards his lips.
He wanted to kiss her so badly, needing to take her breath from her, to meet her soul and mend her wounds with his love, so leaning closer, he pressed a soft kiss on the side of her cheek, almost touching her mouth. Her skin called out to him, her softness enticing him closer as he lost himself in her touch. His heart raced wildly inside his chest as they lingered together, their breath becoming laboured and slow as he lost all rational thoughts and found himself kissing the same spot with another delicate kiss.
Sara's heart was pounding inside her chest; he was so close to her now, so close that she could feel his warm breath breathing near her ear. Closing her eyes, she reveled in his closeness, seeking his warmth, only to whimper as he slowly drew away from her, taking his intoxicating closeness with him to leave her missing his touch.
Opening her eyes, she gazed into his, silently urging him back to her with a gentle pull on his hands, her need to touch him overpowering all logical thoughts inside her.
He watched her eyes closely as he tried to read the emotions that were rising inside them. He felt her gentle pull on his hands, closing the distance between them as she leant towards him, her eyes closing as she placed a soft kiss enticingly slow and so very very close to his lips. Her soft gasp caused Grissom's whole body to shake with anticipation as he leant in closer, unwilling to leave her warmth for even a moment. She was so close to his lips now, he could feel her warm breath mingling with his. All he had to do was turn ever so slightly and he could drown in her sweetness and show her with his love how much she meant to him, but he stayed still, letting her take this as far as she wanted it to go. The last thing he wanted to do after all he had caused her was to scare her with his need, so he waited.
Sara closed her eyes as she relished his closeness. The soft stubble on his face scratched delicately against her cheek, enticing so may elicit feelings to stir inside her body. His closeness scared her and enlightened her all at the same time and she didn't want to move for fear of breaking the spell between them.
A knock sounded on the door and they slowly pulled away from each other, their faces flushed. Grissom kept a hold of her hands, entwining his fingers into hers still unable to break the bond that held them so tightly together.
The door opened slowly, revealing the familiar face of Sara's doctor. A huge smile was gracing his face as he stepped into the room. "I hear you're feeling better."
"I am," she smiled, afraid to move encase she jarred her shoulder and he would see the pain in her eyes, so she kept still, willing him to discharge her.
"I've been with her the whole time," Grissom offered. "She's had no nausea or dizziness." He felt her squeeze his hand and turned to look into her eyes. What he saw there almost caused him to catch his breath and fall down beside her on his knee's. She offered him so much with one of her smiles, something that he could have lost forever through his carelessness.
In that one moment he would have willingly given her everything he possessed, anything to hold her close to him again. His thoughts swirled around his heart, keeping her love buried inside him as the doctor's voice broke through his dreams.
"Well it's been four hours," he smiled as he stepped closer towards them, his eyes turning towards Sara. "I need to examine you again before I can release you."
"Fine," she nodded, releasing Grissom's hands reluctantly as he moved his chair away to give the doctor room to step in closer.
Tilting her head backwards, the doctor shone the torch into her eyes, silently nodding to himself before he returned the torch to his pocket. "How's the shoulder?"
"A little stiff," she told him honestly, "but it's okay."
"Well," he smiled, "as long as your boyfriend here accompanies you home, then I will release you."
"He's not my…." She started only to be interrupted by a soft cough as Grissom stood up to move closer towards her bed.
"I intend to doctor," he smiled as he reached for her hand again, his fingers once again closing protectively around hers. "I'll make sure she's safely home and not overdoing things."
"Good," he nodded as he moved towards the door. "The nurse at the front desk will have your release papers ready for you to sign on your way out. If you feel any discomfort at all..."
"I'll come right back," she smiled, squeezing Grissom's hand in excitement as she spoke.
"You take care now," the doctor told her as he left the room, offering them a smile before he closed the door behind him.
As soon as they were alone, Sara turned a beaming smile in his direction. "You are amazing," she told him as she leant forward to place a kiss on his lips, taking both of them by surprise as the electricity coursed throughout their bodies.
The kiss took them both by complete surprise, drawing them both to peaks of passion that neither had been ready to accept. Sara pulled back slowly, her face reddening as she moved away from him.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
Reaching out to her, he caught hold of her hand, pulling her back to him gently before she could make her escape.
"I'm not," he told her softly, his voice deepening as he focused on her lips. "I've already made way too many mistakes in my life."
"But..."
"Shh," he told her softly as his hands came up to cup her face, holding her gently so he could gaze into her eyes. "Let's get you out of here okay?"
She fought to find her voice, but her words became tangled inside her. She wanted to tell him everything, to share all that she had felt for him in the past, but she knew deep down inside that whatever she had been going through this past year was way too deep to explain with just one kiss.
She felt his fingers begin their sensual touch on her cheeks, causing her knees to grow weak beneath her. She needed to pull back, to break his spell over her, but she couldn't look away from his gaze.
"I," she started, her voice croaking as she spoke, "I need to get dressed."
He smiled in response to her denial, his fingers continuing their gentle strokes over her skin. He watched her eyes flutter closed as he slowly grazed her lips with his thumbs, his own heart racing as he fought to control his breathing.
Her lips called out to him, their softness beckoning him closer as he dipped his head slowly, to press a soft kiss to her lips before pulling away just as quickly.
Sara opened her eyes slowly as his lips left hers, his gentle push away from him causing her whole body to cry out with his loss and she fought to keep herself from reaching for him again.
"I'll leave you to change," he smiled softly as he moved away from her to walk towards the door. "I'll be outside if you need me."
Sara nodded mutely, her mouth suddenly dry. What was this power he held over her anyway?
A few minutes later she had located her clothes and successfully managed to pull on her jeans without many problems. As she slowly pulled the gown from her body, she saw for the first time the angry bruise that enveloped her shoulders to cast purple and black patterns over her skin.
Her mind cast back to the fist that came in her direction, causing her to flinch as the memory hit her full force. She had been so preoccupied with her own inner thoughts that she hadn't been paying attention, maybe if she had she'd have heard her attacker's approach.
Closing her eyes, she blinked back the sheen of tears that glazed over her. It could have been so much worse, she mused, but she had been lucky, very lucky.
Sighing heavily, she returned her attention to her remaining clothes laid out on the bed. Reaching down she pulled her bra from the small pile and slowly pulled a strap over her shoulders. She tried to reach behind to fasten it but her shoulder screamed out in pain, stilling her movements until she gave up the battle. For a brief moment she considered calling Grissom, but decided against it, for one she needed to keep her modesty intact and two, he would probably run away from her, bolting like lightening if he knew he had to touch her.
Thinking logically, she let the bra hang loosely from her body, unclasped, while she reached down for her shirt. As she pulled it on, she noticed it was practically see through, so going without anything underneath was not an option. She found herself berating her actions. When had she packed this shirt in her spare set of clothes? What had she been thinking? She knew she didn't have to think back too far because she knew exactly why she's packed it and the reason was stood outside in the hallway.
With a resigned sigh, she fastened the buttons, deciding she'd ask one of the nurses to do the clasp for her before she left.
Grissom stood outside, waiting patiently before he gave a tentative knock on her door. Hearing her soft voice, he smiled as he pushed the door. Opening it slowly, he poked his head inside. "Are you done?"
Sara looked up as she closed the last button, a smile gracing her face as she saw him, "Yeah, you can come in now."
Opening the door wider, he stepped fully inside and found his gaze drifting appreciatively over her. Her low cut shirt almost caused his blood pressure to skyrocket and he had to forcefully pull his eyes away.
"Can you do something for me?" she asked softly, breaking through his erotic visions to bring his eyes back to her.
"Of course," he smiled, hoping that the passion in his heart hadn't escaped into his eyes as he stepped closer.
"I...I kinda need one of the nurses to help me finish dressing," her face flushed red as she spoke, she hoped he would get it and not ask questions, but when she felt him move closer, she almost lost her balance.
"Can I do it for you?" he asked softly, his eyes drifting closely into hers.
"Um, I," she stuttered, "I um can't fasten, my," her words drifted away as he moved around her, coming to a stop behind her back.
"I think I can manage that," he told her, his voice strangely low as his finger reached beneath her shirt, touching her soft skin with trembling hands. He knew the second he grazed her bare skin that he was in trouble. She caused all kinds of erotic images to flow into his mind with just a mere touch, and every second her remained close to her, he felt himself falling deeper and deeper into her heart.
Sara too was trying to overcome his powerful effect on her. His touch could ignite her with a passionate fire that no one else had ever been capable of evoking inside of her before, and now as he gently touched her skin, she felt herself shiver as he pulled the clasp together, his hands lingering on her bare back for a moment before pulling them away.
"There," he told her, his voice a husky low as he struggled to pull himself away from her body "Anything else you need me to do?"
"I," she sighed, his heavenly scent still causing havoc with her senses as she struggled to control her thoughts. With careful distraction, she reached into her bag to pull out her brush, "I just have to brush my hair."
" I can do that for you," he smiled, taking the brush from her hands as he positioned himself around her to pull the brush through her soft strands.
Sara's eyes closed as his closeness washed over her, causing her heart to thump wildly inside her chest. This man had so much power over her; she could hardly keep in control of her actions. So instead, she leaned back into his body, relishing his closeness while he smoothed first her brush then his fingers over her hair.
Her warmth soaked into his body, drawing him in closer to her. He let his fingers drift from her hair, down her slender shoulders, being careful of her bruises.
"You ready to get out of here?' he whispered, his breath close to her ear as he spoke. He felt her tremble beneath his touch, her body aching for his closeness. Stepping away, he broke their contact, immediately missing her warmth.
Sara's eyes opened when she felt him distance himself from her body, his sudden loss aching her heart as she slowly turned to face him.
She met his gaze, her eyes conveying everything she felt, and in this one precious moment she realized she had never loved him more than she did right now.
"I'm ready," she whispered, her lips turning into a slight smile as she stepped towards the bed, her hand reaching out for her small sports bag, only to have him sweep it away from her.
"No lifting," he told her, his smile melting her heart as he moved towards the door to pull it open. "Come on, let's get you home."
"I'm fine Grissom," she told him as she tried to feign annoyance, but he saw right through her façade and held out his hand for hers. She eyed him cautiously at first until he stepped closer, leaning in towards her, dangerously close to her lips.
"Come on," he smiled, "I need you to protect me from the nurse I had to sweet talk to get you out of here."
"Sweet talk?" she laughed incredulously. "You? Gil Grissom?"
"Hey I'll have you know that when needs must, then I can deliver," he grinned down at her reaching out for her again, until she took his hand in hers.
"Okay," she told him, "I'll protect you from the bad lady, but remember you owe me one."
"I owe you many," he whispered softly, his voice betraying his emotions as he led her out of the room and towards the front desk.
Cindy looked up from her desk when they approached, the welcoming smile dying on her lips as she saw their clasped hands.
"Hi Cindy," he smiled, doing his best to ooze his charm over towards her. "Doctor Lees said we had to come to you to sign Sara's release forms."
"Yes that's right," she told him, her eyes drifting towards Sara who offered her a small smile before she noticed Grissom squirming beside her.
She clutched his hand tightly against hers, causing him to look in her direction. "Honey why don't you go and bring the car around. This shouldn't take too long."
Grissom stared open mouthed at her for a few seconds before he realized what she had said. Shaking himself mentally he smiled down towards her, enjoying this new charade they were posing. Leaning down he kissed her lips soundly, delighted by the soft intake of breath she drew in before he pulled away.
They gazed into each other's eyes for a few seconds before he offered her a sly smile "Okay."
Both women watched as he turned to walk away from them before turning to eye each other warily. Cindy pulled out the forms and thrust them in her direction.
"Here you go, there's some information booklets too for you to take home and read. If you feel any nausea or dizziness you need to come straight back."
"Yes, Doctor Lees made me agree to that before he released me," Sara smiled widely, her relief to be at last going home shining through as she reached over for the forms.
She couldn't wait to get home and sink into a nice hot bath. She knew returning to reality was going to be the hardest obstacle before her, but these last hours had been a huge bridge to mend the rift between her and Grissom.
As she thought of him her heart started to flutter inside her, his image causing more heat to rise inside her body that she had ever known before. Shaking herself, she knew she had to get a grip on her emotions. If she knew Grissom, he'd turn tail and run from her again when they stepped back into the reality of the real world. So she had memorized every minute detail of every touch, every kiss. He had shared a small part of himself with her while she was here and that would sustain her for an eternity.
"Hey," his voice broke through her thoughts and she turned to him, her eyes meeting his to search his blue depths for anything that conveyed his feelings.
"Hey," she smiled, her eyes dropping from his as she realized that no amount of memorizing eternity could ever make up for the real thing. She was lost in him, and it was time to face the fact that these last few heavenly hours would soon be over.
"You ready to go?" he asked softly, grasping her hand reassuringly as she returned the forms to the nurse to nod her head. She smiled a goodbye to Cindy, and followed him outside into daylight.
The drive back to Sara's apartment had been made in a comfortable silence, neither wanting to speak for fear of breaking the spell between them.
Sara sneaked a few peeks at him as he drove, her eyes memorizing his face to save for later reference when she was once again alone. The last few hours had been enlightening to say the least, opening her heart and her mind to unspoken possibilities that craved attention inside her. She knew that he would soon walk away from her again and push her far behind him, but for now, she relished the memory of what might have been if he had chosen to let it happen.
"You're quiet," he spoke softly as he chanced a look at her before returning his eyes towards the road.
"I was just thinking," she smiled as she banished the images of her imaginary happy life from her mind, "I'll call Nicky when I get home, maybe he'll want to come keep me company or something."
Grissom gulped visibly with her words, her voice breaking through his fire to bury the embers into the dark recesses of his heart.
"Don't you want me to stay with you?" he asked quietly as he gripped the steering wheel tighter with both hands.
" Uh," she stuttered, turning towards him with questioning eyes. "I didn't think you would want to…I…do you want to stay with me?"
"Do you want me to stay?"
"This isn't about what I want," she told him, slight anger returning to her voice. "If it was that simple I'd be living happily ever after by now." Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes to compose herself before she spoke again. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."
"No you're right," he nodded his eyes firmly kept on the road. "I deserved that. I would like to stay with you for a while," he told her as he pulled the car to a stop outside her apartment before turning to her, "that's if you want me."
Sara gasped with his sudden words, how many long sleepless hours had she wished for those words from his lips, how many dreams had he filled with those words. Taking a deep breath she turned towards him, bringing her raging heart under control.
"I want you," she whispered as she focused on his lips before returning to his eyes. The fear she saw flashing inside his depths caused her to pull herself back to her senses before she added, "To stay I mean…I want you to stay."
Grissom nodded numbly. He knew what she had meant because he felt the same deep burning raging inside him. It was time to stop hurting her and causing her so much heartache. Reaching out wordlessly, he closed his fingers over her hands, warming her with his touch as he smiled into her eyes. "Then you have me."
Before she had time to reply, he released her hand and reached for the handle to pop open the Tahoe door to climb out.
Sara was stunned into numbness for a few seconds before she regained control of her senses. Pushing open the door, she climbed out just before he reached for her, pulling her forward until she stood firmly on the ground before him.
Their eyes drew together and held for a moment before Sara offered him a small smile "You sure you want to stay?" she started, her smile growing wider as she spoke. "I mean do you really know what you're letting yourself in for?"
"Well whatever it is I'm sure I will be enlightened," he grinned as he held onto her arm to walk towards her door.
Sara pushed the front door open and stepped over the threshold, holding back a few seconds to turn towards him. "I didn't have time to clear the mess, uh, so ignore it okay?"
"Sara," he sighed, "I'm not here to look over your apartment, I'm here to be here for you." He stepped closer to her and wrapped his hand around hers to bring her fingers to his lips. "How about we just get you inside, hmm?"
Sara felt her knees start to grow weak beneath her as his lips touched her skin, and no amount of berating herself helped any more.
"Okay," she nodded, finding her voice while she kept hold of his hand, pulling him inside her apartment with her.
Grissom willingly followed, her touch enticing him further into the room as he found himself unable to break the contact with her. She moved him over towards her couch, indicating him to sit while she made them both coffees.
"No," he told her firmly, stopping her in her tracks to look questioningly into his eyes. He looked around beside him and placed her bag onto the floor before taking hold of her other hand.
"What's wrong?" she asked worriedly, her voice catching in her throat as she spoke. "I thought you would want some coffee?"
His eyes left hers briefly to give her a gentle push backwards, until she was sitting on her couch.
"I'm here to take care of you," he told her as he knelt down in front of her knees. "Let me do this for you Sara?"
His words opened the floodgates of love widening to crumble her protective barriers to all but wash them away. She let her eyes roam his face, his beautiful eyes flooding her senses to pull her in closer towards him. She wanted to tell him everything, to let him heal her heart, but she couldn't find the right words to say, so she did the one thing that she had wanted to do for such a long time. Leaning in closer, she moved one of her hands to his face, cupping his cheek lovingly as she had done so long ago when she had rubbed chalk from his face.
Her touch enticed him, urging him to lean into her hand as his eyes fluttered closed. This woman had caused havoc in his life as well as in his heart, her chaos disrupting his well organized world. But now, here with her, he welcomed the intrusion, embracing it with everything he possessed. As he opened his eyes, he melted his gaze into hers, finding all the answers he thought would be lost forever.
"Stay with me?" she whispered, her soft voice speaking volumes to his heart as he clasped her hand tighter. He knew she held him to ransom, her control over his life a welcoming prison that kept him chained to her willingly. Moving slightly, he came to sit next to her on the couch, his fingers entwining hers.
"You know I will," he smiled, his tender voice warming her cold heart, chasing the darkness to replace it with his light. He shifted back slightly, allowing her to lean her good shoulder into him as he encased her in his arms, his soft whispers causing her heart to flutter inside her as she relished his warmth.
"We should let Nick know I'm home," she told him softly, her muffled words buried into his chest. "He'll be worried."
The mention of Nick's name caused something deep to stir inside his chest as he held her tighter. He knew Nick had helped her through some of her worst times, but a part of him couldn't escape the jealousy rising inside his heart.
"When did you two become so close?" he asked softly, hoping that he had managed to keep the dripping ice from his voice.
Sara could hear his heart inside his chest, his steady rhythm lulling her into protectiveness.
"He's been my rock," she told him as her arm inadvertently pulled him closer. "I would have gone mad without him."
Grissom's eyes closed as she spoke, his heart aching with something he couldn't quite describe. He moved a hand to her hair, threading his fingers through to hold her closer, as he tried to push the damage he had caused to the back of his mind.
"I'm sorry Sara," he whispered, his voice cracking as he spoke. "I don't have a good reason for why I treated you so badly, I don't know how to make things right, but I…" his voice drifted off as he fought to find the right words, but she moved against his chest to place a finger to his lips.
"If we are going to get past this," she whispered, her own voice fighting for control as she spoke, "we are going to have to learn to trust each other again."
Grissom's hand came up to hers, wrapping his hands around her fingers to clasp both against his chest. "How long will it be until you trust me again?"
"I don't know," she whispered sadly. "We are just going to have to take one step at a time, and try to resolve this thing between us."
"I need to know something," he whispered, his eyes closing as he remembered her words from not so long ago when she had asked him to dinner. "Am I too late?"
His question caused her to gasp for breath and bring a sheen of tears to her eyes. She loved him so much, his pain becoming hers. Leaning closer, she smiled up into his eyes "How can you be too late when I can't seem to let you go?"
"I want to try," he told her, her words causing his heart to ache. "I want to see what happens."
"Then for once," she whispered, her fingers reaching up to his face as she spoke, "be honest with me?"
"Anything you want," he nodded "ask me anything."
"What if you can't answer?"
"Just ask me," he smiled, determined to push another barrier away from her heart. He watched the uncertainty cross her eyes, her fear reaching out to his. Moving his hand, he clasped hers reassuringly, urging her foreword.
"Okay," she nodded, her heart thudding inside her chest, "do you…" she took a breath and started again. "Will you ever be able to love me?"
She let out the breath she didn't realize she was holding, her boldness scaring her as she waited for his answer, her whole body shaking with worry.
His eyes closed for a moment, and for a second she prepared herself for his rejection, but it never came. When he remained silent, she opened her eyes to see tears rolling down his cheeks.
"Oh god, I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice choking her throat as she tried to pull away from his arms. "Please let me go."
Grissom opened his eyes, her near panic causing his heart to ache as he reached for her again to pull her into his chest.
"Yes," he whispered into her hair, chasing their pain away with his words. "Yes I will, I do."
Sara's heart almost exploded inside her chest as she heard his soft admission, his honesty impaling her soul, bringing together the shattered pieces.
"You do?' she asked shakily, wishing that she had heard right the first time and this wasn't all a dream.
He smiled into her hair, kissing her soft strands as he spoke. "I do, I have for a very long time. I'm not afraid to let myself believe anymore."
"Oh god," she gasped, her eyes flooding with tears as she melted in his arms. "Please tell me I'm not dreaming?"
The soft chuckle emerged from his chest to rumble into her ear that was pressed against him.
"Honey if we're caught in this same dream then I think we're both in trouble."
Sara smiled into his chest, at last feeling the darkness of the past few months slowly easing away to replace her insecurities with the man beside her.
"If I close my eyes will you be here when I wake up?" she asked softly, kissing his chest as she felt a wave of tiredness wash over her.
"For as long as you want me," he told her, his voice muffled into her hair. He couldn't seem to stop kissing her, as if his newfound knowledge gave him the power to overcome everything that he had once feared so long ago. She had managed to take away his pain and ease the deep-set burn from his heart, to give him the strength and the hope to continue.
"Then you'll have to stay forever," she whispered softly, her arms roaming his chest as sleep overcame her to ease her into its gentle embrace.
Looking down into her sleeping face, Grissom smiled as he settled himself deeper into her couch, taking her with him until he held her firmly to his body. Closing his eyes, he let himself drift into endless possibilities. Every scenario including the woman in his arms, resting in sleep, her deep breathing lulling him into dreams. He had found his heaven, his piece of eternity that he had denied himself and her for so long, his heaven now having a name…Sara Sidle.
THE END