Disclaimer: Don't own Trigun and most likely never will....
Summary: Knives decides Legato is gonna gain wait sooner or later so he puts him on a diet. No sweets, no hot dogs, no nothing. Will he go crazy? Or just die of embarrassment.
~~~~~
"No."
"Do it."
"Mastah...."
Knives ignored Legato's imploring gaze and pointed firmly to the bathroom scale, a stern look on his face. "You cannot tell me it is possible for a human like you to eat and eat like that and not gain any weight at all. Just get up there. And give me your coat."
Resignedly, Legato succumbed to his fate and shed his coat, reluctantly handing it to the waiting, if not irate, plant. It took a few moments to prepare himself, but after going through the motions of a few jumping jacks, three push-ups, and drawing in four deep breaths, he sucked in his gut and stepped up to weigh himself.
Knives jerked forward and studied the number before him.
"Take off three pounds for my clothes," Legato reminded him anxiously.
Knives nodded, straightening to look condescendingly at Legato. "Even with that deduction, you have gained three pounds."
Legato stumbled back in absolute horror, his back hitting the wall as he gasped. "No!" he cried, absolutely aghast. "My freakish metabolism is gone! All GONE!" And he fell to the floor, weeping into his hands.
"No need to panic. We'll just put you on a diet."
"A DIET?!"
"Yes, a diet." Knives waved a hand flippantly. "You need to keep in shape, Legato. It'll be only temporary, as well. No sweets, no hot dogs, and no, I repeat, NO more Styrofoam packing peanuts!"
"But Mastah." whined Legato, latching onto Knives' legs and weeping all over his boots. "They taste so good!"
"They're just empty calories." Knives shook him off and began to exit the room, calling over his shoulder, "After you get rid of the extra weight, you can go back to your old, gluttonous habits."
Legato remained where he sat, sobbing into his hands about the injustice of the world.
~~~~~
Later that day, Legato decided just cheating a little on his diet wouldn't hurt and sauntered on down to the restaurant where all the gun-ho guns hung out that time of day. Meekly, he stepped up to the counter and whispered, "Get me six hot dogs and a chocolate fudge Sunday, quick!"
But as the waiter was turning to complete the order, Midvalley, who just so happened to be sitting at the bar, leaned over and tapped the man on the shoulder, pointing to a poster on the wall. The server nodded his understanding and turned back to Legato. "Sorry. I can't give you anything."
"But I NEED this!" Legato exclaimed hysterically, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and shaking him hysterically, tears running down his cheeks. "WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! OH CRUEL WORLD OF PAIN AND MISERY AND HUNGRINESS WHY?!?!?!"
The man pointed to the poster across the room.
Legato hopped off his stool and ran over to inspect the piece of paper, finding to his absolute horror that it resembled a wanted poster - and his picture was on it. But it wasn't a wanted poster, it was far worse. Legato's eyes skimmed it over hopelessly.
Waiters and Waitresses: I, Millions Knives, future destroyer of the human race, hereby declare that one, Legato Bluesummers, is not to be fed under any circumstances. For he is on a diet. Which he would not be on if he had not pigged out and gained three pounds. If anyone is to feed this hungry man, they shall suffer eternal pain and suffering at my hands. That and I shall turn you into a cat and give you to an old lady.
Sincerely, Millions Knives P.S. DIE HUMAN SCUM! DIE! I SHALL SMITE YOU! SMITE YOU!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!
Legato gawked at his picture next to the wording, seeing that SOMEONE had SOMEHOW caught him in his sleep, dressed in those horrid pink pajamas his mother had given him for his birthday some years ago and snuggled close with the blue teddy bear he affectionately referred to as 'Mr. Peppers'. That SOMEONE was going to die. Unless it was Knives.
To make matters worse, Wolfwood chose that moment to amble over and read the poster, though Legato went to great lengths to stop him, including putting him in a headlock.
Once done, Wolfwood gasped, and although his throat was currently being crushed by Legato's arm and was in danger of caving in, he rolled his eyes up towards the blue-haired man's face and wheezed, "You gained three whole pounds?! If I ever lost my girlish figure I'd just die!"
"You're gonna die now!" Legato growled, but Midvalley was there to aid the unfortunate priest and Legato, suddenly realizing just how many people were staring, turned a brilliant shade of red and fled from the restaurant.
~~~~~
Knives remembered sending away for a new, hot pink night light to ward off the terrible darkness at evening's appearance and keep away those monsters he often heard talking under his bed. He also remembered hiding it in the closet where no one would find it. It was pink after all.
Now, it was night, and he needed that light to keep him from getting scared, so the blonde, blue-eyed man hurriedly walked down the deserted hallway and to the hiding spot, making sure no one was watching before swinging open the door. The sight that greeted him was horrific. "Legato! How could you?!
Legato looked up from the shipping box, packing peanuts filling and dangling from his mouth. Terrified at being caught, he stared wide-eyed at Knives.
Instead of reacting with anger, his master only snatched the pink night light from his hand, muttered a hasty, "This never happened - and you're off the diet!" and disappeared quicker than Legato thought possible.
HE WAS OFF THE DIET!!!!
Legato could've cried for joy, since it HAD been a whole seven hours since he had had a hot dog, and the packing peanuts tasted better than ever. Happily, he continued to munch on his snack in peace.
~~~~~
Review please!! I'm dying to know if you liked it....
Summary: Knives decides Legato is gonna gain wait sooner or later so he puts him on a diet. No sweets, no hot dogs, no nothing. Will he go crazy? Or just die of embarrassment.
~~~~~
"No."
"Do it."
"Mastah...."
Knives ignored Legato's imploring gaze and pointed firmly to the bathroom scale, a stern look on his face. "You cannot tell me it is possible for a human like you to eat and eat like that and not gain any weight at all. Just get up there. And give me your coat."
Resignedly, Legato succumbed to his fate and shed his coat, reluctantly handing it to the waiting, if not irate, plant. It took a few moments to prepare himself, but after going through the motions of a few jumping jacks, three push-ups, and drawing in four deep breaths, he sucked in his gut and stepped up to weigh himself.
Knives jerked forward and studied the number before him.
"Take off three pounds for my clothes," Legato reminded him anxiously.
Knives nodded, straightening to look condescendingly at Legato. "Even with that deduction, you have gained three pounds."
Legato stumbled back in absolute horror, his back hitting the wall as he gasped. "No!" he cried, absolutely aghast. "My freakish metabolism is gone! All GONE!" And he fell to the floor, weeping into his hands.
"No need to panic. We'll just put you on a diet."
"A DIET?!"
"Yes, a diet." Knives waved a hand flippantly. "You need to keep in shape, Legato. It'll be only temporary, as well. No sweets, no hot dogs, and no, I repeat, NO more Styrofoam packing peanuts!"
"But Mastah." whined Legato, latching onto Knives' legs and weeping all over his boots. "They taste so good!"
"They're just empty calories." Knives shook him off and began to exit the room, calling over his shoulder, "After you get rid of the extra weight, you can go back to your old, gluttonous habits."
Legato remained where he sat, sobbing into his hands about the injustice of the world.
~~~~~
Later that day, Legato decided just cheating a little on his diet wouldn't hurt and sauntered on down to the restaurant where all the gun-ho guns hung out that time of day. Meekly, he stepped up to the counter and whispered, "Get me six hot dogs and a chocolate fudge Sunday, quick!"
But as the waiter was turning to complete the order, Midvalley, who just so happened to be sitting at the bar, leaned over and tapped the man on the shoulder, pointing to a poster on the wall. The server nodded his understanding and turned back to Legato. "Sorry. I can't give you anything."
"But I NEED this!" Legato exclaimed hysterically, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and shaking him hysterically, tears running down his cheeks. "WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! OH CRUEL WORLD OF PAIN AND MISERY AND HUNGRINESS WHY?!?!?!"
The man pointed to the poster across the room.
Legato hopped off his stool and ran over to inspect the piece of paper, finding to his absolute horror that it resembled a wanted poster - and his picture was on it. But it wasn't a wanted poster, it was far worse. Legato's eyes skimmed it over hopelessly.
Waiters and Waitresses: I, Millions Knives, future destroyer of the human race, hereby declare that one, Legato Bluesummers, is not to be fed under any circumstances. For he is on a diet. Which he would not be on if he had not pigged out and gained three pounds. If anyone is to feed this hungry man, they shall suffer eternal pain and suffering at my hands. That and I shall turn you into a cat and give you to an old lady.
Sincerely, Millions Knives P.S. DIE HUMAN SCUM! DIE! I SHALL SMITE YOU! SMITE YOU!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!
Legato gawked at his picture next to the wording, seeing that SOMEONE had SOMEHOW caught him in his sleep, dressed in those horrid pink pajamas his mother had given him for his birthday some years ago and snuggled close with the blue teddy bear he affectionately referred to as 'Mr. Peppers'. That SOMEONE was going to die. Unless it was Knives.
To make matters worse, Wolfwood chose that moment to amble over and read the poster, though Legato went to great lengths to stop him, including putting him in a headlock.
Once done, Wolfwood gasped, and although his throat was currently being crushed by Legato's arm and was in danger of caving in, he rolled his eyes up towards the blue-haired man's face and wheezed, "You gained three whole pounds?! If I ever lost my girlish figure I'd just die!"
"You're gonna die now!" Legato growled, but Midvalley was there to aid the unfortunate priest and Legato, suddenly realizing just how many people were staring, turned a brilliant shade of red and fled from the restaurant.
~~~~~
Knives remembered sending away for a new, hot pink night light to ward off the terrible darkness at evening's appearance and keep away those monsters he often heard talking under his bed. He also remembered hiding it in the closet where no one would find it. It was pink after all.
Now, it was night, and he needed that light to keep him from getting scared, so the blonde, blue-eyed man hurriedly walked down the deserted hallway and to the hiding spot, making sure no one was watching before swinging open the door. The sight that greeted him was horrific. "Legato! How could you?!
Legato looked up from the shipping box, packing peanuts filling and dangling from his mouth. Terrified at being caught, he stared wide-eyed at Knives.
Instead of reacting with anger, his master only snatched the pink night light from his hand, muttered a hasty, "This never happened - and you're off the diet!" and disappeared quicker than Legato thought possible.
HE WAS OFF THE DIET!!!!
Legato could've cried for joy, since it HAD been a whole seven hours since he had had a hot dog, and the packing peanuts tasted better than ever. Happily, he continued to munch on his snack in peace.
~~~~~
Review please!! I'm dying to know if you liked it....