Disclaimer: I don't own Severus, Harry Potter, James, Sirius and Dumbledore and every thing else you find familiar (in case I've missed something).
Warning: Spoiler to Order of the Phoenix
Chapter 1: MemoriesA thin boy with messy black hair sat in his darkening room occupied by the same thoughts that have been haunting him ever since he had returned to Privet Drive. Miles away a man sat by the window in his bedroom staring at the setting sun thinking about things he had avoided so far. There was nothing common between both these wizards ...nothing except their thoughts. Right now Harry Potter and Severus Snape were thinking about the same person-Sirius Black.
As Severus sat thinking about the man he never thought he would think about, unbidden pictures started coming to his mind, vivid pictures of memories he had been avoiding for the past 25 years, memories from which he had always ran away. But today was different. Today for the first time in all those years he didn't avoid those memories. His eyes filled with unshed tears as he thought about those years before the hatred, before the anger, years that lead to the hatred, the anger, that lead him to be the man he was today He could still remember those years, still hear the voices of his childhood friends Jonathan, Maya, Sirius and James...
"Severus" Sirius shouted, "If you don't come out in a minute I am going to pull you out."
"I'll be out in a second", Severus replied putting on his shirt in hurry.
The village primary school had closed for summer and they had three months of holidays before they went to Hogwarts and these nearly-eleven-year-old kids were determined to enjoy each second of their holidays. An hour later walking under the bright morning sun, that was exactly what the five friends were doing.
They raced each other, free like young colts in the wild, with the spirit of birds, flying in the bright morning sun in their hearts, the glow brightening their faces.
"All right, stop. Stop every one. I can't run anymore." James panted.
"Right you are" Sirius joined in out of breath.
They all sat under the shade of a tree leaning against its trunk. No one said anything for a while. Severus quietly took out a pencil and a paper and got to work.
"Hey, what are you doing?" Jonathan asked him after a while.
"Sketching Sirius." He replied engrossed in the picture.
"Great" Sirius said sounding sarcastic. "so which animal are you trying to make me now?" He remembered how he had been drawn as a dog last time. It was a very good picture actually but on the other hand it gave James a chance to start barking when ever he started to say some thing-for two weeks.
"Shut up you ass and come and look at this." James said looking at the picture with something of an awe in his eyes.
"All right," said Sirius coming nearer "but if it turns out to be ......WOW! That's great Sevvie."
"Your best yet I would say." Maya complimented.
"Severus, you know what I like the most in your sketches?" James said still lost in the picture
"What?"
"The eyes"
"Right you are." Sirius added. "there seems to be something in them that pulls you in, so...so"
"So ALIVE" James finished.
"Right you are, again"
"You know what Sirius" James said with a pretence of seriousness and mock concern "I reckon you'll soon forget the rest of English if you just keep repeating that."
"Right you are Jamie" Jonathan carried out a perfect imitation which earned him a 15 minute chase leaving the other two laughing under the tree.
Returning home that evening with his friends Severus thought how just right his life was. True he had a stepmother who hated him, but then he had a father who loved him beyond all limits. His only elder brother Flavius lived in the neighbouring village unable to stand their stepmother but Severus knew that he would always be there when he needed him. As a matter of fact if it hadn't been for his father he would have gone to live with Flavius. And then there were his friends too. True his life was not perfect. He didn't have every thing that could be wanted but then he didn't want anything else. For him his life was perfect. A perfect picture where all the colours were in balance, both dark and bright. "Perfect", he murmured to himself ignorant of the disaster knocking at his doors.
Severus sat on his bed thinking. His (step) mother was gone to visit a sick aunt. She would not be returning till a month. Severus would be 11 in a month and he and his friends would be going to Hogwarts this year.
"Guess I'll miss the village and all" he thought "but I'll miss Flavius the most".
His father came in and seeming to read his thoughts asked Severus "why don't you go and stay with Flavius for a week or something".
"Guess I will" Severus replied. The next morning as Severus prepared to leave he suddenly felt a fear he could not explain, a sudden misgiving about something he couldn't name. Finding no reason for the fear he ignored it.
"Be careful" Marcus Snape shouted as he waved Severus goodbye and as he returned the wave with a huge smile Severus again felt the apprehension. He felt a sudden possessiveness towards his father. He didn't want to leave him and go. "Don't be dumb. Dad's perfectly all right. Nothing's gonna happen to him" he said to himself and walked on
The first indication that something was wrong came an evening four days later when Flavius received an owl from his father. The letter looked as if it was scrawled in great hurry and was written behind a crumpled parchment.
Son,
Reach home as soon as possible and bring Severus along with you. I am in London right now but I'll be back by tonight. Nothing to worry about. It's just that I need to tell you something before. Just come back soon. See you soon.
Dad
"Something sounds wrong Flavius" Severus said, "We probably need to leave, right now".
"I know Severus, I know" Flavius replied staring at the letter "I also know dad started out to write something, then decided not to. Before... before what? I wonder... Right. Pack your bag. We leave in 10 minutes."
Flavius's broomstick had been sent for servicing and they had to walk all the way (portkey service is not provided for neighbouring village). It was nearly 10:30 by the time they reached the village. Though they had a foreboding of something bad they didn't realise its full implications till they neared their home. An eerie silence covered the whole house. The lights were off, a highly unusual thing in itself as Marcus regularly worked till late night and never slept till at least 12 o clock. Severus's heart grew heavy as he neared the front door. Fear unlike anything he knew before griped his heart. Flavius griped his wand.
" Let's move fast." he whispered, "Something's wrong but better face it now than later. Come on let's go in"
Severus reached for the door reluctantly. He was in no way less brave than his brother but something held him back. Something told him that he wouldn't want to face whatever it was. He opened the door. It was dark inside. Flavius put on the lights. The scene that met their eyes was one that they would never forget through out their life . Marcus Snape was lying on the floor covered in blood.
"DAD!" both cried in unison as they came over the shock .At twenty-one years Flavius was still not old enough for the truth that was in front of his eyes right now. At eleven Severus was just...just too small. His legs were shaking badly and without warning he fell down upon his knees trembling violently. Flavius knelt beside him putting his arms around his younger brother not knowing what to say to console him, to console himself.
"Why? W-Why us? W-Why him? Dad ... Why?" Severus moaned tears streaming down his cheeks. There was no answer - there never was an answer. Flavius tightened his embrace. The two lonely figures sat crying scared and helpless in the silent night, ignored by the world around them, ignoring the world around them oblivious of the sounds outside.
They lay there till the first rays of the morning sun touched their faces. Only then after the initial pain was over that they noticed that the house was an absolute mess. It looked like someone had turned the house inside out in search of something.
"Who do you think it was, Flavius? Who could have done this? Thieves?" Severus asked.
"No. Not thieves Severus. Remember his letter. Before...before I die? Before they get me? Was that what dad going to say? Dad knew he was going to die. It was a planed attack." Flavius replied.
"Then who could it be?"
"No idea Severus but whoever it was he was searching for something"
"What?"
"No idea again. We'll think about it later. We've got work now. We need to clean up the blood. And then set the house. And the burial... "Flavius's voice trailed off. There was a weird calmness in his voice that made Severus look up. Severus realises that his brother was not calm, he was numb. The same numbness that allowed him to talk, move, think... But at least he made sense.
"But mother...?"
"Owl her" Flavius replied, "never mind if she can't get here for the funeral. She doesn't deserve being here. She never loved him."
As they set about to work Severus's mind was constantly occupied by the thought that what could the attacker have wanted. Maybe the villagers could provide an idea though he doubted it. He and Flavius lifted up the body and placed it on the couch. Flavius left to take a look at the rest of the house. Severus found a fresh blanket and covered the body. Marcus's face looked so peaceful almost as though he was asleep. Tears started streaming down his cheeks but he wiped them off. Flavius was right. They had work now. They had to find the reason, the killer... slowly a new emotion rose in him –revenge.
"I was right. None of the valuables are missing. Actually nothing I know is." Flavius said walking into the room breaking Severus's thoughts. He tried to open the door. It was locked.
Suddenly Severus remembered something. "Flavius, I just remembered. I once saw dad put something behind the picture of Asgard.
Flavius walked to the picture and lifted it. There was nothing there.
"Dad muttered something like hemda or something. I couldn't quite catch it."
Flavius replaced the picture and stared at it then pulled out his wand and muttered "Hemda" tapping the picture. Nothing happened. "Hamda". Nothing. He stood there for a while staring at the picture. Then it struck him. "Of course." He whispered. He tapped the picture "Heimdall". The picture moved revealing a small compartment containing some papers and a book.
"How did you do that?" Severus asked.
"The word was 'Heimdall'. The guarding god of Asgard guards its picture too." Flavius smiled without humour. He took out the papers. One of them was a certificate for qualifying as an auror. Few were papers of their property and the rest seemed to be some kind of ministerial papers.
" Auror! What does this mean Flavius?" Severus asked confused. "I always thought dad was working for Floo Regulation Panel."
Flavius didn't reply. He put back the papers and took out the book. It looked like a dairy. Flavius started reading it as Severus sat quietly beside him waiting to be told something.
Flavius spoke after a while."The first entry was on Jan 6th. Dad wrote about some assignment he got on Voldemort. The next entry is about his history."
And so they went on reading. It took them nearly an hour to read the whole dairy in which they learnt all that was then known about Voldemort. The dairy also had the names of four wizards suspected of working for Voldemort and the reasons of suspicion. The last entry was made the previous day. It read-
"I think DE found out I am betraying them. They killed Odin . They will come after me. I know. Soon......"
" What do you make out of all this Flavius? And what is DE?" Severus asked after a while.
Before Flavius could answer an owl flew in and dropped a copy of the local news paper Village Wizard's Daily in to Flavius's hand. Staring out of the front page was the headline-
Aurors uncover dark wizard among us!
aurors attack dark wizard marcus snape. snape killed in dual.
Last night four aurors created sensations by disclosing that Marcus Snape a prominent and a highly respected wizard of our village is a dark wizard. The aurors attacked Snape's residence last night at about 10 o clock. Though no one is being allowed near the house after the CCU (crime control unit) surrounded the house some time after the aurors left, official sources informed that Mr.Snape chose to fight instead of surrendering and was killed. They also stated that the house was searched by the aurors. The names of the aurors weren't disclosed and they couldn't be traced later. The CCU also refused to comment on the reasons for surrounding the house but a junior Hit Wizard who wished to be unnamed told today early in the morning that even they did not go in to the house yet. No other officials were available for comment.
Further report on page 6.
"What is all this Flavius? Dad wasn't a dark wizard. He was an auror, isn't it? Why would aurors kill him?" said Severus.
"Four aurors...four" said Flavius more to himself. "Four aurors, four names. I think I understand Severus. It wasn't aurors who killed dad. It was those dark wizards, those death eaters whose names are in the dairy."
"Death Eaters? I still don't understand."
"Last month on my birthday dad told me something he made me promise not to repeat. He told me that he was an undercover auror, that he had joined the Death Eaters and was passing information about him to the ministry."
"But who are Death Eaters and why didn't he tell me?"
"I asked him. He said you were too young." said Flavius replying to the second question, "and Death Eaters are followers of Voldemort. Dad was working against him."
Severus was silent for a while trying to grasp every thing. "People need to know the truth. We need to tell them."
"No one would believe us. We can't prove it. Even at the ministry only Odin knew about all this and dad's last entry says he is dead."
Suddenly they heard a sound from outside. Someone was opening the door. Flavius slipped the papers into his pocket and closed the picture. The next second Chief Hit Wizard Alan Harris (popularly known as Chief) was staring bewildered at the very two people he was not prepared to meet just then.
"W-What... What are you doing here? How did you get in?"
"We came in last night", Flavius replied and added after a pause "maybe just before you locked the door."
"Well..." Chief said his face changing as though he suddenly realised he was supposed to be sympathetic but his face betrayed the fear. He had been in such a situation once before and barely escaped with his life. Even the weakest wizards could be dangerous when distressed and he knew Flavius was one of the best around. "Look I am sorry about all this ...er...I know it's a shock for you two and all and I'm sure what ever he was he loved you a lot but the law has to do it's duty son." he stammered lamely looking awkward. It wasn't a job he cared for and it showed. Things weren't improved by the fact that the two brothers looked murderous. Chief didn't miss the fire in their eyes and didn't like it at all.
"My dad was not a Dark Wizard. This is rubbish." Severus burst out suddenly stepping towards Chief. This was enough to make Chief whip out his wand. This kid may not have learnt magic yet but right now he still looked capable of killing with bare hands.
Before things could move further Flavius stepped between the other two. Facing Chief he looked into his eyes and said calmly "You knew him Chief. Do you think he could be one"
Chief looked down. He didn't have an answer for that one. It was a question he had avoided asking himself all last night. That was one reason he didn't come earlier. He spent the whole night convincing himself. How could he not believe, they showed him the proofs.
" Where did you find his...him" Chief said after a pause looking at the body on the coach sidestepping the question.
"On the floor, covered in blood" Severus spat.
Chief looked nervous again. Just then another man entered. For a moment he just stared at the two brothers then gave Chief a letter and left quietly. Chief read the letter and looked relieved. It was the clearance for the burial and orders to lift the watch. He had been dreading the moment he would have to tell the two that they didn't have permission to bury their dad yet.
The burial was held later that afternoon. Jonathan and Maya were the only people present other than the two of them and Chief. James and Sirius had not come; neither had anyone else from the village.
It was that evening that completely changed the dimensions of Severus's life, the evening on which he would reflect many times later. He had gone to meet Sirius and James, to ask them why they hadn't come when he needed them. He found both of them sitting on the porch of Sirius's uncle house where Sirius lived. Sirius looked uncomfortable when he saw Severus. James looked prepared for what was coming. It was as though he had expected it.
"Hi Seve! We..." Sirius started but faltered under Severus's gaze.
James was both nervous and confused. He wasn't sure whether he really wanted to do what he was to. He decided to get it out before Severus said anything so he finally spoke with a calm tone which hid the pain and confusion in him. "Severus, look we've been very good friends ever since we were real small kids. I've always loved you as a friend. But ..." James lowered his eyes before continuing "but, well you know, after all that happened yesterday and all ...er ...my parents feel that it would be well if I didn't have anything to do with you any more and Siri's uncle feels the same way too."
"Why". Severus's calm voice veiled the storm brewing inside him.
James continued growing more and more ill-at-ease by each passing word. He knew it was going to be hard it was worse than he expected. "Well they say that because your dad was a dark wizard it's not safe for us to go around with you. They are scared that we might get spoiled and..."
Severus could contain himself no longer. He could say the whole thing was rehearsed before and he was sick at their behaviour. He knew he couldn't prove his dad's innocence but what was his fault. "WHAT THE HELL DO THEY THINK" he bellowed "THAT I'LL TEACH YOU DARK ARTS OR SOMETHING? OR AM I suppose to be using Dark arts on you ?" There was no answer. "Do you believe it ?" he asked after a pause. He was not shouting any more. His voice was that of a person trying to reason, of one who was dismayed.
Both James and Sirius didn't know the answer to that. They were at an age when they followed their elders' decision in such matters and believed they were right but now, they could not really decide whether they believed it or not. They remained silent.
Severus knew their silence reflected their 'yes'. Their silence was the last straw for him. He could not believe what was happening. This was too much for him above all that happened. He broke down completely and before anything else could be uttered he ran away from there. Sirius swallowed what he was about to say and no one ever found out what it was.
Severus sat in his room, traumatized, that night. Everything he believed in was shattered, the people he thought were always there for him had left him alone. He felt betrayed. He didn't believe even Jonathan and Maya now. Was Flavius the only person who cared for him now? Would no one ever believe them? Why? Why did he have to go through all this? Such questions haunted him the whole night and that night the soft spoken, all-trusting, innocent little Severus died.
The sunrise the next morning found Severus and Flavius beside Marcus's grave taking the oath that would change their lives. From that day onwards the only aim in their lives was to finish the work that their father had begun, destruction of Voldemort and revenge from those who wronged their father. They would live and die for it. They stood by it- always.
For them this sunrise was not just the sunrise for a new day. It was the sunrise of the new life they were about to begin which signified both an end and a beginning. That sunrise witnessed the birth of the Severus that he was today. The Severus who rarely trusted anyone, whose eyes had no light of love or hope, who drew a shell around himself, who lived on, his soulless, loveless life only for the fulfilment of his oath.
Severus left the village that night (Flavius had everything packed by evening) never to be seen there again. He went to live with Flavius and neither knew or cared what happened to his step-mother. Flavius who the best at DADA in his year and was now studying advance DADA started teaching Severus the same, who was soon to learn each new curse he was taught and in just two months he had learnt more curses then even few of the seventh years at Hogwarts knew.
Severus was the kind of a lad who couldn't be normally offended but once they are hurt they carry the grudge beyond the limits of sensibility. Among everyone else he was hurt by, Sirius and James hurt him the most because they were people he trusted. He felt betrayed. The hatred born of betrayal can be strong beyond belief, beyond limits because behind it lies a storm of emotions, tears and pain. The hatred born in Severus was such a one, which made him blind, blind to right and wrong, to limits, to the guilt. He was a person capable of loving and hating beyond limits. He had loved them beyond limits once and now he hated them beyond limits. When he joined Hogwarts he didn't lose time in showing them this. If there was any kind of remorse in James and Sirius it was killed by this hatred. This along with the fact that he was sorted to Slytherin and the acute interest he showed in Dark Arts finally convinced Sirius and James that they had done the right thing. Severus never missed a chance to hex James and the same was true the other way too. On both sides things were done that were best buried in past. The years passed and the hatred increased with new grudges developing instead of old ones being dissolved.
Neither Flavius nor Severus had any belief left in the ministry after what had happened to their dad. Two years later Flavius joined the Death Eaters convincing them that he wanted revenge from the Aurors and the ministry. This later helped Severus to join the death eaters and quickly get into their inner ranks. After making sure they were positioned well enough they joined Dumbledore telling him the whole truth of what happened, but Severus's former relation with Sirius and James was unknown to him. (as Flavius was never caught after the downfall of Voldemort he continues to work unknown to the Order).
Severus's life continued to sink deeper into the hatred in and around him and as the hatred in his life increased so did the shell of loneliness Severus made around himself. He grew more and more withdrawn, scared of loving and trusting for the fear of betrayal, scared of hoping for the fear of disappointment, hating so as to be hated in the fear that someone would find out how hurt his heart is... and so it went on until the present and nothing changed. Once he was hated by his schoolmates and today he is hated by his students; none of them saw beyond the hatred into the pain. 26 years he spent in loneliness sharing his fears, pains and dreams only with Flavius. Yet there was one dream he didn't tell even Flavius, which he didn't dare admit even to himself..................
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Author's Note: This story is my first trial of fan-fic and is my attempt to explain Snape, the man behind what meets the eye. This story has been written considering the following things: -
That Harry was born when Snape was 20 years.
When this happened Voldemort didn't come out in open yet and is taken to be just another Dark wizard.
I attempt to explain the difference Sirius's attitude from the rest of his family by saying that he grew up with his uncle.
Thanks to all my friends for supporting me and million special thanks to those who helped me out with this. I dedicate it to all of them.