All of Janet Evanovich's characters belong to her. I saw the picture on Facebook's Babe and Plum Family Challenges and knew Grandma Mazur would fit right in the picture. Lee Anne
Grandma's Night at the Races
"I'm saying grace," Grandma announces to the table ready for Sunday dinner.
Frank looks up from his waiting plate questioning his mother-in-law, "Why? We never say it any other day, You Loon!"
"It's special when Stephanie and Ranger are here. He's a looker," she replied wiggling her eyebrows at the stoic Cuban man across the table. "Lord, as we slide down the banister of life may the splinters never point the wrong way. Amen. Let's eat."
Mr. Plum was looking around the table. His daughter and her Cuban husband were laughing at Edna Mazur and his wife was blessing herself. "Pass the food. Why can't we have a normal meal with you?"
"We have company so I want it to be memorable."
Helen muttered, "Mother!"
"Oh, Helen, lighten up. Aliens had to swap you out when you were a baby," Edna Mazur surmises in her own way.
Ranger is shaking his head. He and Stephanie could have quietly eaten at Haywood or at a restaurant, but no, they came to 'the Burg' for Sunday dinner. She wanted to visit her Grandma.
"Grandma, anything new with you?" Stephanie asked the beloved little old grandma between a forkful of mashed potatoes.
"I was going to wait until after dinner, but since you asked." Edna was about bouncing off her chair. "I got some intel for your hubby. You know Paulo Rubbernubs you asked me about, Stephanie. He sounds like he should be a vibrator."
Both Stephanie and Ranger nodded. The skip was being elusive and Rangeman had only a few days left to bring him in for missing his court date. He robbed three liquor stores wearing a football helmet as a disguise.
''What can you tell me about Rubbernubs, Edna? Babe, where do these name come from?" Ranger questioned all the crazy names of the FTA's.
"It's the 'Burg', Ranger." Stephanie kissed her perplexed husband.
He threw his hands up. "Of course, it's the 'Burg'." Where else does it happen? "What do you have, Edna?"
"Well," Grandma begins leaning over the table to share the information, "I found out down at the 'Cut n' Curl', Rubbernubs nickname is 'Nine Lives'. He likes cats but can't have any animals in his building so he's a regular at that coffee shop which has shelter cats you can play with while you are drinking a latte at 'The Percolating Meow'."
"Really?"
"Yeah, that's what I heard." The boney hand was on the table with the palm up waiting to be filled.
"Mother, you can't shake down Ranger for money."
"I'm not. We are exchanging. I give information and he gives me spending cash. It's a win-win. My social security only goes so far, Helen, and there is a 'Night at the Races' coming up at St. Alphonso's."
"You are not going there, Mother!" Helen Plum yells. "The last time they had Bingo you snuck in tequila with your friends. You and Sister Mary Francis were on a table bumping hips and clothes were coming off! Good thing Shirley was there and called Eddie."
"Shirley is a whiner and a party pooper. Sister Mary Francis likes a nip every once in a while for her rheumatism."
"YOU ARE NOT GOING!"
"I am too! I'm your mother even if you are an alien baby. I raised you."
Ranger took two twenties out of his wallet laying them in Edna's hand and was about to lay down one more when she stopped him. "That's good. You need to save your extra money for that baby on the way. They can be expensive with diapers, clothes, and formula."
Stephanie was four months along. The ultrasound revealed Frank Plum was getting his first grandson.
"Edna, I have some saved in the bank," Ranger grinned handing the bill to the older woman. Stephanie rolled her eyes at her husband. She was surprised he didn't own the bank.
She patted her sagging breasts where her money disappeared. "Me, too."
"Stephanie," Helen said placing a piece of pineapple-upside cake in front of her, "if Mother is going then you need to go with her so she stays out of trouble."
"Babe."
She stopped her husband. "I'm pregnant. I can still walk and eat at the same time. I'll go socialize with Grandma."
He was backed into a corner. Ranger wouldn't let his pregnant 'Babe' go alone to the church when gambling and Edna Mazur were under the same roof. He didn't like the mission before him, but Stephanie and their unborn son were everything to him. It was only a few hours he had to be babysitting Grandma. And he could always call for backup. Closing his eyes pinching his nose, Ranger mumbled, "I'll go with you."
"Woo hoo! My baby granddaughter and favorite grandson accompanying me. I'm going to get lucky!" Grandma announced picking up her plate. "I better go see what I got to wear."
"Grandma, it's not until Wednesday night," Stephanie said.
"I know, but I may need something new to be out on the town with Ranger. I still got time for overnight delivery if I find something on Amazon. I can go to their pick-up sight."
Stephanie kissed her lively Grandma heading for the computer desk in the living room. "OK, Grandma."
"Babe." Ranger watched Edna Mazur swaggering out of the room thinking what did he get himself into.
Wednesday Evening:
"Ready, Ranger." Stephanie called from the bedroom.
The Bad Ass hoped when he opened his eyes this morning, it was actually Thursday and an evening watching over Edna Mazur was over and behind him. Tank was laughing all week about his night out. Paulo 'Nine Lives' Rubbernubs was back behind bars. Lester and Bobby caught him sipping a mocha latte and playing with a bunch of kittens at 'The Percolating Meow'. Grandma earned her gambling money as did Rangeman. Tank has been visiting the coffee shop hoping to find a new cat for his apartment now. Only in Trenton.
"Ready as I'll ever be," he responded seeing Stephanie step through the doorway in a short denim dress with taupe flats. There was a slight roundness in her stomach that most would not notice, but he did. Ranger knew every inch of Stephanie's body.
"Let's get this evening over with."
"Ranger, Grandma is fun."
His eyebrow raised at that statement and picked up his keys locking fingers with his wife. "I meant let's go have fun with Grandma."
Pulling the Mercedes to the curb, Grandma was hustling down the steps. "A hot car! I'm ready to gamble." Ranger held the backdoor open for Edna Mazur. Stephanie's grandmother was wearing a dress printed with red hearts and black spades; draped around her shoulders was a boa of play money dollar bills.
"Grandma, you look like a gambling lady."
"I saw this dress online and it said 'winner' to me. I don't want to be underdressed next to my favorite grandson."
Shaking his ponytail, Ranger gave a "You will stand out, Edna," thinking she would be easy to spot in a crowded church social hall. Before turning the key, the Cuban turned to face their passenger. "Is there anything in your purse that shouldn't be?"
"I'm with you. You're all the protection I need," Grandma smiled clicking her false teeth.
He didn't feel comforted at that, but turned the key in the ignition anyhow.
In the mere minutes that went by too quickly, Ranger was escorting Stephanie and Grandma into St. Alfonso's social hall.
"Edna, I'd say that dress speaks gambler," the bald priest greeted at the door.
"Father Carmine, I hope I'm lucky tonight. Saying a few kind words to the Guy above could help. I brought him to carry my winnings home," Grandma nodded in Ranger's direction.
"Welcome," the priest greeted the married couple with Grandma.
Immediately, Edna Mazur veered in the direction of the craps table greeting old women and a couple of nuns. He'd keep an eye on that group.
Stephanie walked towards the roulette wheel where a tall nun was spinning it. She pulled $1 out of her purse and placed in on 'Black' as the wheel was going around. Black 20 hit. She claimed her winnings leaving her dollar on 'Black'. Ranger waved a 50 dollar bill for change and a gaming worker came over wearing a canvas money belt counting out a twenty, one ten, three fives, and five ones. He laid $5 down on 12-black.
"All bets!" The Nun called out spinning the wheel watching the ball go around and eventually stopping in the pocket of '12-black'.
"Showoff," Stephanie teased Ranger. He picked up his winnings handing the bills to his wife. She kissed his cheek. "Thanks," she purred slipping the bills from his fingers.
"Babe, your Grandma just put something in the punch. I'll be back."
Ranger casually walked towards the table lined neatly with cookies and snacks but first stepped by the trash bins in a small alcove before he picked up a chocolate chip cookie and napkin. He ladled a small amount of the red punch in a cup taking a sniff and a taste. Stephanie watched his eyebrow arch and shake his head blowing out his lips.
"Don't drink that," he whispered handing his wife the cookie. "I saw four empty vodka bottles and two rum. That punch will grow chest hair where you wouldn't want it."
They both observed the nuns were quite boisterous at the roulette wheel. Grandma was hanging out at the video horse races with her friends. Father Carmine was shouting at the dice being thrown. It was on its way to being a 'Drunken Night at the Races' in a church social hall. And, of all places, there was a skip Rangeman just received the file betting on the horses.
Quickly texting Tank for the picture of Archippo Le Vecchi and indicating he may need back-up, Ranger confirmed that was the FTA. Mr.
Le Vecchi truckjacked a semi-refrigerator truck of premium pork sausages, eggs, and sour cream. He was caught selling the stuff at the flea market in the park on the way to Princeton. Only in Trenton!
Motioning to Grandma, she was walking mostly straight over to him. Stephanie joined her coming towards her husband. "Ranger, what's wrong?"
"Grandma, do you know that man you handed punch to?" Ranger begrudging asked.
"Yeah, that's Archie 'Crazy Eyes' Le Vecchi. He sometimes plays his violin down at the Senior Center to entertain us. If he gets too excited his eyes will cross making himself dizzy when he see doubles and could pass out. He stole a truck of sausages."
"I know. He's one of Rangeman's skips."
"Want me to go get him excited so he passes out?"
"No," Ranger shook his head. "I want to warn Father Carmine and wait for back-up. Babe, I want to out of here in case it goes crazy."
"Ranger," Stephanie said looking around, "have you noticed a majority of the people are on their way of being crocked?"
"Edna, did you put anything in the punch?" The Bad Ass noticed a Sister had her head on the Poker table and Father Carmine was still yelling at the craps table. A few 'BINGO' players were yelling for refills of empty cups and attendants were filling them.
"The girls may have added a little something for flavor," Grandma told Ranger innocently.
"A little? I found a load of empty bottles," he said in his most serious tone and attempting with all his control not to bust out laughing. A large number of the church goers were tipsy.
"Look at the crowd they got here. That's a lot of punch we had to add kick too. There's gallons in the kitchen."
That could explain why the very neat snack table was in disarray because the workers were flipping cookies and brownies on the trays very haphazardly and filling their cups of punch.
"Babe, stay with your Grandma. I'm talking to the priest."
Taking a break from the dice, Father Carmine was going for a refill when the security expert stopped him. "Father Carmine, may I speak with you a moment?"
"Do you need a blessing , Son? I hope there's more of this punch to serve at communion. This would compliment the wafers," the priest told Ranger finishing the last drop in his cup.
"I'm fine, Father. I'm Carlos Manoso," he began shaking the priest's hand speaking low, "and a bounty hunter. Someone who did not appear for his court hearing is here and I need to get him back to the police station to be booked again. I wanted to alert you and if you will allow me and my men to apprehend Mr. Le Vecchi, I will donate 10% of our fee to your 'Night at the Races' fundraiser."
"Really?" The slightly intoxicated Father Carmine was looking around the social hall. "Bless you," he said making a leaning cross sign at Ranger. "Are there anymore you want to take?"
Ranger chuckled. "Just him."
"Go do God's work for the good of us," the Father shook Ranger's hand and stepped right over to the punch bowl.
Tank and Bobby were in the entrance casually dressed to blend in with 'happy' bunch. Ranger caught sight of 'Crazy Eyes' with Edna Mazur throwing the dice.
"Come on Archie! Get a winner!" Grandma had his hand rubbing across her sagging breasts. "This is for luck!"
"Edna, don't do that. I'm getting excited!" The skip yelled throwing the dotted cubes.
The plump man in charge of the games calls, "Winner!"
The people around the game cheer including two nuns who appeared to be steadying each other.
"Let's go, Archie. Make me a winner again!" Grandma grabs him to her face and lays a liplock on him. "Make me a Lucky Lady."
"I'm Excited!" 'Crazy Eyes' bellows with his crossed hazel eyes throwing both dice forward as he was going back.
Tank and Bobby caught the man easing him into a chair.
"What was that?" Tank questions slapping a cuff on a wrist and to the chair.
"When Le Vecchi gets excited he gets dizzy from his crossed eyes, " Ranger said. "Archippo Le Vecchi, Bond Enforcement!"
The hazel eyes were still crossed. "Father, bless me! I'm excited," the skip called pointing a finger to his pants. "I got two! Edna, you work miracles!"
Tank and Bobby are looking at Ranger attempting to keep straight faces as they pick up the wooden chair the crossed-eyed skip was handcuffed to and head for the exit.
Ranger kisses Stephanie. "I'll be back, Babe." He follows after his friends hearing Mr. Le Vecchi say "I haven't had a woody for years. I got two."
Walking back into the gaming hall with an empty chair. Ranger witnesses Edna, the two nuns, and ladies from the beauty salon dancing around in circle with Father Carmine.
Stephanie was giggling at her happy grandmother. "Babe, what did I miss?"
"I think you must be Grandma's lucky charm, Ranger. She won the 50/50 and guessed the closest number of gummy bears in the barrel," my wife explained.
By the entrance was a table with an extremely large glass jar filled with colored candies.
"See I told you," Grandma said gingerly walking up the Plum's walk with Stephanie's help at the end of her winning night, "you would carry my winnings." Ranger's arms were full of the glass jar of gummy bears. "I can't wait for the next night out with you."
"Next? Babe!"
At the next morning's early service at St. Alphonso's the priest was a no-show; Father Carmine for some reason never heard his alarm go off.
THE END.