Title:Looking Back

Chapter: 1 of 1

Rating:PG

Summary:Luke looks back at his downhill spiral into drinking and pushing not only his family away, but Noah as well

Characters:Luke, Noah, Lucinda, Holden, Lilly, Dr Hughes (Bob), Casey, Reg, Maddie, Margot Hughes, Allison

Genre:AU

Warnings:some mild language

Disclaimer: This site is no way associated with "As the World Turns", CBS, P&G, or Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann. This is not for profit. No copyright infringement is intended. Authors submit and write their own work.

I sit here looking back, thinking back, understand back, back at what has happened and how I got to this place I somehow now call my home.

It has been over five very long years. Five years of torture, pain, suffering, heartache and for what do I have to show for it but broken promises, dreams, realities of what life holds for us unrepentantly.

I sit here looking back seeing how much pain I caused my family, how much I torn them apart after what Brian did to miss, kissing me after somehow marrying my late grandmother, Lucinda in hospital. Showing how much he apparently cared for her.

I know I hurt my dear grandmother so very much, but I was mad, angry, infuriated at Brian. I wanted to only expose the liar, the cheat, the underbelly person he was, but never expected my grandmother to nearly disown me.

How hard it was just trying to repair the damage, the broken bridge I now have found myself looking down at. Cast aside to where I belonged somehow. How much the hurt not only myself, but my grandmother too. And my parents.

How much I hurt my own mum and dad by getting expelled out of school, out of uni. My only real chance to actually becoming myself, but only to then disappoint them again with my drinking not only putting their own lives at risk, but my own too.

Having to start to take new medication to fix what is now unrepairable damage of yet again late night or midday drinking sessions. How many times Uncle jack had found me yet again in Oakdale police station jail, yet again having to save my sorry arse, with the last me ending up from the jail into Oakdale Memorial Hospital emergency.

How much I pissed Dr Bob Hughes off again with my drinking I could tell as to how much he just wanted to throttle me, shake me into my senses even if somehow it might not have been worth it, how much his sister Margo Hughes wanted to do the same just not only over my underage drinking and drunkenness but for my physical abuses toward her son and my now ex best friend again Casey.

Not only did but have lost my family, but my friends as well. Casey, Allison, Maddie, Roth, Reg, Peter, the list continues really as to how many people I have pissed off not only cause of the way I lost their respect with rigging the election, but also getting them thrown out of college or physically or verbally abusing them.

While I have never really done such things I know that it was mainly the drink that was doing this damage. Damage that really could now never be undone no matter how hard I try to work back at gaining their respect to become my closest friends again

The worst thing I have done though and well mainly the most stupidest to this date, was to loose my one true love, Noah. God how much I was a simple arse to him, abusing him, yelling at him, referring to him like he was like his own dear dad. God how stupid was I?

Noah is not like his father, far from it actually. Yeah he did put up walls to protect himself and yeah he has done some really stupid things to not hurt me, but his own friends to, but at least he has been always able to regain his momentum and regain his trust with his friends his me, his now ex boyfriend from five years ago.

I don't know why I really pushed him away. Think it was more the fact I could never understand why he would never stand up for me when I have on many occasions really. But then again he has done the same for me. He tried to help me but I never seemed to want to take his help no matter how hard he tried.

I understand now why he gave up but now wish there was a way to go back, back in time to undo the damage I have done. To give myself a good kick up my own arse and try to rebuild myself without pushing everybody away and running away like the coward I have become really.

Now I live by myself, in a lonely apartment in New York City, looking down out my window trying to work out how the world continues when you have but yourself into such a rut, you aren't really able to get out of this mess you have caused, yet somehow manage to restart a small part of your life, never forgetting the damage you have caused in your past and becoming much more wiser in the process.

There are just some days that I wish I still had Noah, still had my chance to hold him, kiss him, make love to him, do everything a normal loving couple should and can do. I then start to think what is normal as well, as really we didn't have a normal relationship but to me that never really mattered.

I still wonder what Noah is up to, what he has done with his life but I know there is no point in trying to wonder or wish that I will ever find him. I have made my own grave and now I have to lie in it as the saying goes. I just wish there was a way to try to patch things so I can then really move on, but then again I don't want to move on. I want things to remain the same as they where before I started to go down hill.

I just hope, pray, wish that I could see Noah again and just, just be together without any interruptions or remembering the past. I know it is a wild shot but it is what I pray and hope. But alas its only a wish.

Well time to continue with this so called new life of mine and start the rebuild process again. Try to move on without causing to much pain and sadness for myself.

Continue in a world that doesn't bother or matter to me or to anyone else.

A life without love, without my love, without my friends, without my family.