So I think there was a better storyline out there for how Chuck's mom died but I decided to do a little one-shot cannon of Chuck and Blair's interactions might be surrounding the topic. Hope you enjoy.
If you find yourself here on my side of town
I'd pray that you'd come to my door
Talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about
Cause I don't remember anymore
I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are
And she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar
She knocked gently on the door before entering. The curtains were closed and there was little light in the room but she still made out his shape on the bed.
It didn't matter what had happened between them. The awkward space between friends and more was no matter on a day like this.
A day people usually celebrated was always different for Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf was always with him on that day. The next they would go back to being who they were but on that one day she was always there for him.
She curled up next to him, her forehead mere inches away from his, her body posture mirroring the shape his body took.
She didn't need to say a word because he already knew who it was. She was the only one.
"It gets harder every year."
His voice was barely audible but she heard it.
Her fingers caressed his cheek. There were no words she needed to say. Each year the woman he never was able to love was remembered less. Each year a new woman took the role of mother in life and it was less and less acceptable to remember the one mother he never knew.
They lay in silence each contemplating what that day meant.
She eventually spoke. She knew this was different than the times before. Dan had sent her a copy of his story as well.
"Did you talk to Bart?"
Chuck's eyes opened and he tried to decipher what her eyes held. What secrets she knew.
"Who told you?"
She merely pulled herself closer to him, "I read the story Chuck."
His face grew warm but she held onto his hands preventing him from turning away from her.
"It doesn't make a difference Chuck. I knew it all before."
His eyes closed again.
"Tell me…"
He wishes he could but there was a lump in his throat.
She leans in closer; her lips meet his for a mere second.
"You can tell me."
Her voice is encouraging and he finds the words.
"He apologized. He said he never meant to be distant and that he didn't blame me for her death."
She believed for years it was the truth but Chuck wouldn't hear of it.
She remembered when they were 11 and he had thrown a vase because she had suggested it. She had held him for hours afterwards staring at the shattered glass realizing that maybe it was pieces of Chuck lying there.
Blair had heard fleeting stories of the woman who meant so much and so little to Chuck. She could be elegant one moment and animated the next. She refused to follow the rules and perhaps that was what Bart had loved the most. She and Bart were probably the only ones who would have made it through life in the UES together.
But things in the UES never really worked out how they were supposed to.
"Can you stop blaming yourself now?"
She's been waiting for this day for a long time. When he might acknowledge the silent guilt he's been carrying around for 18 years.
He remained quiet and she knows his answer. Some of us were meant to live tragedies.
She wants to hold him but she knows he won't let her. It was different when they were children. It was easier to break down barriers and tears weren't a sign of weakness.
"It doesn't matter…I hurt everyone anyways."
His voice is cold and she knows what he means. The way he operates. How he keeps everyone, even her, even Nate, at an arm's length. How he hurts them all from time to time to keep his distance. To prevent anyone from seeing who Chuck Bass really might be.
Sometimes she wonders how lonely he must be. She wishes she could take that away but there was so much more than just the two of them.
She imagined running away. Somewhere far from everyone's eyes. Somewhere far from the expectations of who they were.
But then she thinks of Misty and Bart. She's heard the rumors that still refused to die. The scandals and the conventions both of them bad broken. The happiness they had dared to believe in.
Sometimes not taking a chance meant your whole life would be something you never wanted. The risks were what made us who we were.
Her mother had said the one thing Misty wanted the world to know was that she had lived a life without regret, everyday she woke up and marched to her own beat. And she was happy. That no one should every try and take that away from her.
She looked at Chuck now and she wanted to give him some happiness. She wanted him to know that each one of them was so much more than what people said. That what people said should be the last thing that ever mattered.
"You never hurt her. She was happy."
"And I took it away…"
His voice quivers and she wonders how many people have seen him like this. She knows it means more than anyone will ever know. Maybe more than both of them will ever know.
"No Chuck. She gave it to you."
They remained where they were. His pillow is wet from tears he refuses to acknowledge.
They were simple words but they made all the difference. Misty Bass would have wanted her son to live just as she had.
Her hands dance at his cheeks again. This is all she wants. These moments were everything. These moments she feels the happiness Misty Bass might have given her life for.
"You never hurt me," she adds quietly.
It wasn't a complete lie. She had played the game and she had hurt him first. Chuck's heart was already too fragile. Broken and bruised before he ever had a chance.
"I did…over and over…"
She sighed, "But in those moments I lived. More than with Nate more than with anyone in this world. When I was with you, even when I was fighting with you, I felt alive…"
She knows that is all that should matter. Life was too short to feel like you weren't living it. To go through it with an empty smile and a failing marriage.
"We don't have to be who they say. The people who were the happiest never paid attention to how it was supposed to be."
She's the only one who had ever talked to him about Misty. And though she's never met her and she never will Chuck knows his mother would have loved her.
Maybe he could let himself love her. Every inch of her with every fiber of his being. If he just let himself.
"But what if it isn't enough?" he adds silently.
She shakes her head, "If it makes you happy that's all you need. It'll always be enough."
She kisses him again. Soft and meaningful. Everything she needs to ever say to him was in that kiss.
He pulls her closer, acknowledging that this was all he ever wanted.
His voice is just a whisper but it's more than enough because it feels like he's shouting it from the rooftops.
"I love you…"
And I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are
And she says that I am the brightest little firefly in her jar
Copeland lyrics.
I hope you don't hate me for one-shots but I love them. This just popped into my head after watching "Bonfire of the Vanity."
I will be updating "Blairs Keeper" soon as well. I just have to let all the other randomness out of my mind first ;). Thank you for reading and please let me know what you think by hitting that review button in the center of the page!