Shattered Hopes and Silent Misery
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy is not my property.
I feel so alone. So, so alone. Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Irvine, and Selphie…why haven't they noticed? Why hasn't Selphie noticed that when she walks into my room late at night, tears stain my pillow? Or Zell…does he notice the way I sit with my head in my hands when he stays after class to help me clean up? And Squall…yes, Squall…does he see the pain in my eyes? The pain of loneliness that day by day is slowly but surely eating away at my heart? They were supposed to be my friends…
All I have ever wished for was love. Not brotherly or sisterly love, as I was offered so often, but a true, pure love. I have looked for so long to find it, but when I do, it slips away…along with another piece of my broken heart. At night, I almost always find myself in a ritual of sobbing into my pillow. That is the only comfort I ever could find from this world…the world that scarred my existence. The cold, unfair world that always leads the other to good fortune but me to shattered hopes and silent misery.
When I was a young girl, I always believed what Matron told me…that everything always happened for a reason. Even when the reason was obscure and hard to find, it was there. Then what was the reason behind all of my pain? My suffering and my loneliness? Or is this just a cruel joke? …am I a joke? Every night, I ask that same question. But every night, I get no answer.
This night, it's going to be different. I'm not going to cry anymore. No more will I watch everyone live their own little happy lives in their own worlds…no more will I sit back and watch everyone leave me behind and walk over me. I will not have to ever suffer from this loneliness or misery anymore. I can set my heart free…for once, my heart that is so tattered by pain will breathe a pure breath. I can let myself out of this living hell. And this morning…I acquired the key. A gleaming, silver pistol I stole from Irvine. He had so many…I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I took one.
At midnight, I silently open the door and walk into the hallway. There are no doors open, no lights on. All of the students are asleep, dreaming all of their happy thoughts. I can't even remember my last happy thought. That is what I am trying to do as I walk down the hallway. I cannot believe that only an hour from now, I will be free. Free. That word relieves my heart…my tired, aching heart. But I can't help but wonder…what would life be like without me? Not much different, I guess. Who would notice that Quistis Trepe was gone? My students would probably be happy. No more homework. But what about Squall and the others? …relax, Quistis. Don't think about them. Just think about you. Soon, you will be free. Free to live, love, and be happy. But…Squall.
I suddenly stopped walking. The pistol was cold against my soft ivory skin. Squall…would he care? Rinoa or Selphie? Zell or Irvine? No…they wouldn't understand. They wouldn't understand what I'm going through, because they are all loved. But not me. Not poor Quistis. I hold the pistol tighter and walk quietly down the hall.
The wind whipped around me as I walk out on to the balcony. Its coldness seems to welcome me into the next life I was going to have. I walk up to the side of the balcony and peer down…beautiful. But I will go to a more beautiful place in a few minutes. Slowly, carefully, I take the pistol out from under my arm. Its shiny finish glints in the moonlight. It's now or never. I lift the pistol high, so it's level with my head. No, no…that's not right. I lower the pistol until it's in front of my heart. My eyes close almost automatically, and I put my finger on the trigger. Slowly, slowly I press the trigger,
until--
"Instructor Trepe?!"
I open my eyes and see a young man standing only a few feet from me. His light blue eyes are opened wide, with a sense of concern that I had never seen in them. His blonde hair is ruffled and messy. It's none other than Seifer Almasy.
"Seifer!" I look at him. "You-you should be in bed…" The pistol's quivering in my hand. "Get inside…please…"
"No." He replies firmly. "Not until you tell me what you were doing with a pistol at midnight."
I stare down at the pistol. "Leave, Seifer." The wind whips my hair around my cheeks. "Just go…"
"No," He says again. But he's not as firm…he's pleading. Pleading for my life. "Quistis…" I look up at him. Seifer's standing in front of me, showing the least bit of compassion. "I know what you were going to do."
He knew. I couldn't hide from it no more. But…since when did he ever show feeling towards me? Why is he trying to help me now? "Seifer. Leave!" I shout. "I don't need you here…go! You're making this hard when it doesn't have to be."
Seifer closed his eyes. "And what, Instructor, makes you think it's easy?" He took a step closer to me. I take a step backwards. "Yeah, it might be easy to pull the trigger. It might be easy to fall to the ground and bleed. It might be easy for you to die. But what is it going to be like for the people who love you?"
I glare at Seifer in disbelief and shake my head. "Who loves me?" I have the pistol right against my chest now, and I'm breathing heavy because of these emotions swirling inside of me. "Since when does someone care?"
"Squall…Rinoa. Irvine, Selphie, Zell…"
"No." I shake my head. "No they don't."
"Fine." Seifer looked up at me. "How would you react if I said I did?"
"I wouldn't believe you." I reply. My finger almost has the trigger pulled all the way. "Why should I?"
Seifer looked more in pain than I felt when I said those words. He took a step backwards. Then, he did something I wouldn't have expected him to do -- Seifer Almasy fell to the ground. Out of heartbreak. Not from a wound from training. "You should believe me…cause it's true."
The pistol quivers in my hand. Love? Someone…loves me? Quistis Trepe? The pistol falls from my hand and makes a loud noise as it hits the marble floor. I see Seifer close his eyes and grin, knowing I made the right choice. "Seifer…" My legs give way and I collapse to the ground. My eyes are watery and I can barely see Seifer, but I know he's sitting next to me. He brushed the hair out of my eyes. "Thank-thank you."
"Did you really think I would let you leave?" Seifer's voice was faltering.
"I never thought you cared. I always thought no one did." I draw a quivering breath.
"That's definitely not true, Quistis. You should know better than that."
"Yeah." I kick the pistol off the balcony. "Guess I owe Irvine a new gun." I sigh and fall into Seifer's arms. It was a wonderful feeling to know that I was loved.