A.N: I don't know what's the distance between National City and Gotham so I am presuming it's close enough one can go by car.
Whenever a plot takes a turn I don't like I do this childish thing where I refuse to watch it so I haven't watched Alex and Maggie's breakup scene, just saw the pictures and the GIFs so anything that mentions those particular moments can be completely mess up.
This will get angsty before it gets fluffy so bear with me. Good news is that I can't hold the angst for too long so... Don't forget to drop me a line telling me what you thought, heh?
"I'm happy for you
Know that I am
Even if I can't understand
I'll take the pain
Give me the truth
Me and my heart will make it through"
You are suffocating with your own breaths. Every movement of inhaling and exhaling is pure agony to your already abused heart. It's been almost a year and still, everything around you feels raw and edgy, out of focus, like your life is tilted upside down and you have no idea how to put it back into place.
Smoke comes out of your mouth as you breathe in and out, trying to talk yourself out of a panic attack while looking at the numbers to find the right building. Snow is falling softly around you, creating a perfect scenery you'd appreciate more if your whole body wasn't thrumming with barely contained anxiety. Maggie lives in an ancient 3 story building with a green door and naked bricks structure.
The door is ajar, some mindless tenant must have left in a hurry and you frown when you get inside. Gotham isn't the best place to leave the door open like this, after all. Your legs feel like lead, all the blood seem to be rushing to your head now, making you dizzy. A thousand possibilities run through your mind. You have no idea how Maggie is going to react to your sudden heart-to-heart and still, you hope it's a good reaction.
The three-floor climbing gets your heart pumping even more and your newly healed kidneys throbbing painfully. Maggie's door is the last one on the dimly lit corridor and every step you take towards it is followed by the tic toc of your boots' heels. 5 minutes breathing in an attempt to gather all your courage are broken when the door opens suddenly.
"Sweet and sour pork and Chow Mein right, baby?" She's shouting with her head turned, looking at what you glimpse is a beautiful blonde woman sitting on a couch. She nods just as Maggie closes the door and rams straight into you.
_
Her hair is still the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, all chocolate curls and sweet smelling strands. It whiplashes your face as the two of you fumble to keep your balance, arms going around each other, Maggie's head knocks on your chin painfully, jarring your aching jaw and causing your busted knee to almost give out.
In the end, she manages to catch her balance and help with yours. When her eyes finally raise to you, her expression is guarded and dark. Not good.
"Alex?"
She takes a step back and you immediately feel the loss. You slap a palm against the corridor wall and regain the rest of your balance, trying not to let Maggie's closed-off expression affect your courage.
"Hey, Mags."
She flinches at the use of the nickname as if you've just slapped her.
"What are you doing here, Alex?"
She grabs your arms and pulls you towards the stairs, letting go after two seconds like the contact burned her hand. You limp after her, down the stairs and out of the building where she finally stops and turns to face you, all fury and indignation.
"So?"
"I'm sorry."
The words that have been swirling in your head, the perfect speech is gone and suddenly all that's left is a raw need for you to apologize. Maggie's eyes narrow and she frowns.
"Well, sorry for what exactly, Alex? You need to be more specific. For breaking my heart? For breaking our engagement, for making me feel like I wasn't enough like every single person in my life? For throwing our love away because of a concept of a child that you maybe felt the need to have? What exactly are you sorry for, Alex?"
Your tongue is twisted, your mouth dry as all the humidity in your body apparently leaves you. You swallow to try to produce some saliva and ram your shaking hand in your pockets, fiddling with your engagement ring to try and calm your thoughts.
"For everything. I'm sorry for everything you just said and more, Maggie. I… I came here because I love you. I made a terrible mistake and I… Maggie, I know I can't ask but I… please give me another chance."
Again, your perfect rehearsed speech failed you and you jumped from 0 to 100, skipping everything you wanted to say in the middle. Maggie laughs but it lacks beauty. It's dry and tainted with disbelief which makes your eyes water and tears fall. Your face is cold so you barely feel them, distracted by the sudden realization that this door is really closed.
Maggie seems to realize she's being unnecessarily harsh because her expression softens and she takes a step towards you, hand touching the sleeve of your leather jacket. You brush the tears from your cheeks, struggling to rebuild all your collapsed walls.
"Alex. Let's go somewhere to talk, just... let me send a quick message."
The blonde woman on Maggie's couch. Another blow comes with so much force you have to bite the inside of your mouth so a pathetic moan doesn't come out. Maggie types something quickly then pockets her phone, turning her attention to you. She seems to notice your bruised eye and the arm you have around your belly to keep your ribs from being jostled.
"There's a cafè I really like nearby. It's like, a ten-minute walk, is that ok?"
You nod and walk next to her, slowly putting one brick on top of the other while you wait for Maggie to say something, anything to break that awful silence. She turns to look at you a couple of times but you keep your eyes, unseeing and blurry, on the Christmas Lights shining from on the wet patches on the sidewalk.
A cigarette would be incredible right now. You wonder what Maggie would think of your newly acquired habit and at the same time, you think maybe she wouldn't care less so you palm your jeans' pockets for your packet and lighter. As soon as you take the cigarette out and place it on your mouth Maggie stops in the middle of the street to stare at you.
"What's this? Smoking? Alex, are you smoking?"
So she does care. You don't have the strength to read anything more into that so you just shrug and light the damn thing and the first draw is so perfect you close your eyes, tuning out the sounds of the street, your broken heart, and crazy anxieties.
Maggie is still looking at you in disbelief, waiting for an answer.
"They calm me." It's as far as you go in terms of an explanation. Your voice is so tight that Maggie drops it and resumes walking. Your limp is more pronounced now, your knee a big block of hurting flesh.
"You're limping."
"Wish I could tell you it was a crazy alien and I was saving the world but it was actually a bar fight."
"You're kidding."
Your smile is ugly and you cover it by pulling another drag from your cigarette. Your eyeballs hurt when you rub your knuckles over the left one with too much force, trying to push all the tears and those damn feelings back in and lock them there.
"Nope." No further comments are made and soon enough you're at the door of the restaurant Maggie mentioned. She opens it like she's done many times before when you were together bringing forth another set of unwelcome memories that knock a few of your perfectly placed bricks again. Your throw the cigarette to the floor and step on it before rushing inside, the warmth making you shiver.
Everything is uncomfortable and bright. You don't know how to act around her anymore and that's what finally breaks you. The walls are closing in on you and it's almost impossible for you to take another breath. It's too warm, too stuffy, too hurtful. You turn around and rush back outside blindly, taking a moment to gather your bearings before pointing yourself in the right direction and limping back towards Maggie's building and your car.
"Alex!"
She stops you by grabbing your arm and pulling you to face her. "What happened?"
"I made a mistake. I'm sorry I came here, I'm sorry I bothered you. I'm sorry. I'm gonna go, get out of your hair."
The words melt together making it hard for Maggie to understand.
"Alex, I thought you wanted to talk?"
"What's the point, Maggie? Really, what's the damn point? We're going to spend time drinking coffee together and I'll tell you how the past 8 months have been hell for me. I'll tell you how I'm barely speaking to my sister, how I can't sleep unless I drink a ridiculous amount of alcohol, how I now am someone who apparently fights in bars just to quench this horrible need in me to punch things. I'll tell you that I regretted sending you away the minute I did but I convinced myself it was something I had to do because I need to sabotage everything good and healthy in my life. So there's no point, really, Maggie because you've moved 've moved on and I haven't and I don't know why I thought you wouldn't, I mean."
Fight drains out of you, cutting your speech in the middle. Maggie stares at you with an expression you never wished to see in her eyes. Pity.
"Alex, I'm sorry. I won't lie and say I stopped loving you but I can't get myself caught in this with you again. It took me so long just to be ok, to accept that you were gone, I can't undo everything I worked so hard for and have you change your mind again for something else you decide you want or we don't agree with. I'm sorry, Alex but… we can be friends if you want."
You can feel all the blood leaving your face as she slaps you with the utmost humiliation breakup speech. It's a shovel of lime on your face. Your spine stiffens as your body gathers its last supply of energy.
"I understand Maggie. I really need to go. Like I said, I'm really sorry for coming here like this, disrupting your date. I'll see you."
Like last time Maggie had offered to be friends and you had left with the "I'll see you" speech, she doesn't stop you and the minute you turn around the tears are scalding your cheeks. The drive back to National City is a blur and for the next five days, you barely leave your bed, torn between not moving at all and drinking yourself silly.
Maggie worries about you from the moment you left. She tries to go back to her life and pretend she's happy but deep down she knows it's not true. When everything is quiet and dark, when she's in the shower or when routine and work and Delia aren't occupying her time, she thinks about you. When those thoughts become too much she calls and sends messages but since you never answer she doesn't push.
She still lacks the courage to take a step in your direction. It happens almost 5 months later when her phone rings. She's grabbing a coffee from the place close to work that bakes the best chocolate muffin in Gotham when her phone rings. Your name flashes on her screen and her heart goes immediately to her throat. She balances her coffee and a still warm muffin to answer the call.
"Alex?"
Kara's voice is stuffy and tired and Maggie immediately rushes out of the store, not knowing why but also not able to stand still because she knows, deep inside something bad was coming.
"Maggie, you have to come… Alex… it's bad."