What I wanted
A/N: Just a little one shot post ep to episode 100. A bit angsty in the beginning, but stick with it I wrote this pretty quickly this afternoon, so any and all mistakes are my fault As usual I don't own the characters, but oh how I wish I did…..
Enjoy!
Slowly she eased the door open to her apartment and stepped inside. The dark loneliness within enveloped her. Many nights the silent emptiness of her home was a welcome change from the pumped up emotion of the lab during an investigation. She could usually enjoy her solitude, using it to research the latest anthropologic hypothesis or to work on her latest book. This was how her life had been, and tonight she thought with a sigh, she had assured that this is how it would always be.
However tonight, the stillness assaulted her senses, mocking her with the silence. This is what she had chosen. This was her doing. He had done his part, taken the gamble on them. Then she had done hers, and predictably put a stop to it. She couldn't have let him continue, it was too difficult. She had been too afraid of the implications.
A mirthless chuckle escaped her lips as she forged deeper into the darkness of the living room. She was so afraid. Not for herself or her feelings, but for his. She was afraid that she would never be able to be what he needed. Long term relationships had never been her forte. She would move on when the emotions started becoming too strong. However, she had never been able to run from her emotions concerning Booth.
That is what made this all so painful. She did love him or at least she thought she did. And she wanted more than anything to acquiesce to his proposal. However, being so inexperienced in this particular arena, she was afraid that what she felt wasn't real love. How would she even begin to know if this was the emotion that would last 30, 40 or 50 years? All she did know it was unlike anything she had ever felt in her adult life.
However, being the ever rational scientist, she dismissed the opportunity to rely on her heart. She couldn't take the chance that she would one day lose him totally because her heart or feelings were inadequate. She would rather have his friendship and partnership than nothing at all. She needed him to be in her life. It was that simple.
She wished that he had understood this earlier. He looked so hurt, like his heart had been crushed. She knew what that felt like now for as she let the words slide past her lips, her heart began to experience the same stabbing emotion. It had almost been too much for her to bear at the time. The tears that sprang to her eyes were unwelcome and did nothing to make the moment any easier.
Although, the most excruciating moment of the night was when she had seen his tears. It was something she had not remotely expected nor been prepared for. It was then that she realized how deep his emotions ran. Looking into his face she saw a man who loved her, apparently unconditionally given all her awkward and stubborn ways. That moment amazed her. Someone loved her, loved her enough to risk everything to want to be with her. How could she face that, live up to that without some way, at some point disappointing him?
So, in the end she had done what she thought was right, for him, for her. They had been able to walk away still friends and partners. It would have to be enough. She looked around her apartment which was bathed in darkness and shadows. Her eye caught site of the one beacon of light, the small night light that illuminated the hallway to the bedrooms. Her mind lingered for a moment on the thoughts of her bedroom and how different tonight could have been.
It could have been filled with kisses, embraces and an exploratory expedition of his body that she yearned for. Waking up the following morning in his arms. Sharing a pot of coffee at the kitchen table amidst conversations about the future. Instead, she would enter that bedroom alone and continue her one cup pot existence for the foreseeable future. She had a hard time remembering that this was what she had wanted.
Things would certainly change between them now. He would be moving on with some other woman. She would no longer enjoy his undivided attention. There would be no more spontaneous late night visits for a glass of scotch, nor would he be likely to present himself unannounced on her door step with their favorite Thai food. Their moments would turn into someone else's moments with him. Her one very small consolation was that she would get to speak with if not see him almost every day.
She lowered herself into a nearby chair as the tears began to fall. Cradling her head in her hands she slowly rocked back and forth as she allowed herself this rare emotional release. As hard as she tried, she could not compartmentalize this loss. Like a mantra she repeated to herself that it was necessary so that she could hold on to at least a piece of him forever. The hollow words did nothing to dampen the pain.
Abruptly she sat up straight and swiped at the tears streaming down her cheeks. She needed to get a hold of herself. As she went to stand, an insistent knock sounded at her door. She would know that distinctive knock anywhere. It was him, but why? They had parted amicably earlier with a friendly hug. Could there be a new case?
She made her way to the door, knowing that she likely was a frightening mess of mascara and smeared, tear streaked makeup. Grasping the door knob she paused for a moment to steel herself against the rioting emotions that would surely arise when she saw him.
She opened the door to find his back to her.
"Bones," he said as he turned when he sensed her presence.
He paused, a startled expression appearing on his face after taking in her appearance.
"Hey, are you ok?" he asked, concern evident in his voice.
"I'm fine." She returned through sniffles. Tears still threatened to fall unchecked from her eyes.
"Bones, come on, it's me. You are not fine." He said brushing by her and entering her apartment.
Briefly he surveyed the area. "Have you been sitting here in the dark?"
She nodded in the affirmative knowing she would be unable to control the quiver in her voice that a vocal answer would bring. She looked at him, illuminated in the hallway light from the open door.
"Why?" He asked quietly.
Taking a deep breath she answered "I was just thinking." Even to her the answer sounded less than truthful.
He turned slightly from her and ran his hand through his hair, "Yeah, me too."
She couldn't do this, not again. He was going to pour out more feelings, and at this point she didn't think that she was strong enough to resist them. She tried to brush past him, but his hand grasped hers before she could escape. Though he held her hand, her back still faced him.
"Please don't run away. I need to say this, and I think above all else you need to hear this."
She closed her eyes as he began to speak.
"I know a lot was said earlier, but I need to say something else to you. I kept going over the conversation in my head and kept coming back to one thing. You kept saying you couldn't change." He paused for a moment to turn her towards him.
Her head was bowed and he could see the tears dripping from her cheeks. He raised her face with a gentle pressure beneath her chin. Her eyes remained downcast.
"Bones, look at me." He said. Lifting her eyes she looked into his, and was struck by the warmth she saw in his chocolate browns. Where she had expected to see the residual pain, she instead saw a slight glimmer of hope.
"You said that you can't change, that you aren't capable of it. I don't want you to change, ever." He paused while looking onto her watery blues, "I love you just as you are. I know who you are and what you're capable of. I know you're scared of disappointing me, of not being able to love me enough, but I know that you love me. And it's not because of anything you have ever said. You told me everything in your actions. Even tonight, you were trying to protect me, to shield me from you."
Her eyes closed again, bringing a stream of tears down her cheeks as he continued. He cupped her face in his palms.
"I know every day that you love me. I see it in your eyes when you look at me. I know you may not understand it, but I do, and I'm going to fight for it with everything I have in me. Let me help you understand the love we share, because I assure you, that your heart is just as loving as mine. I see a little bit of it every day."
His thumbs gently wiped away the wetness on her face.
"As soon as I said it, I knew I was lying. There was no way for me to move on. Not when I knew what was inside your heart."
"How can you know, be so sure about me?" she queried looking at him with pleading eyes.
He shrugged his shoulders and replied, "I just know. In my gut I know, and I always trust my gut. I have complete faith in us"
This was too much. She stood at a precipice, teetering on the edge of the safe bet and the all or nothing one. She looked into his eyes and knew that it was time to decide for good. Did she want the safe route, being in his life, but only on the periphery or did she want that all or nothing one that could hold endless possibilities for happiness, a boundless, carefree happiness she had never had the privilege of enjoying?
Even as she reasoned it out, she knew what her answer would be. She could no longer deny this man, deny herself what she finally would admit she wanted. She would take that leap and have to believe that he would be there to catch her.
Placing her hands on his chest she continued to look into his eyes as she spoke.
"Booth, I know this isn't going to be a smooth or easy road for us. I am going to trip and stumble along the way. But I know that you will always be there for me to show me the way and help me up when I falter. I want to give us a try. I was wrong to think that my life would be better to just have a part of you as my friend and partner. Now I realize that I want to be selfish and have all of you. It's totally irrational and I don't understand it fully, but I just know that I love you."
He could see in her eyes the truth of her statement, and he broke out into a wide grin. It seemed to be infectious because soon she felt the corners of her own mouth tugging in an upward direction. He leaned in and captured her lips for a kiss. This was a kiss born of love and longing. It began gently at first and quickly escalated to a passion filled embrace. She smiled against his lips as she felt him reaching for the door first with his hand, and when it was out of reach, with his foot. She heard it slam shut and she was once again surrounded by darkness. However, this time she welcomed it. She was no longer alone, blindly navigating these deep and powerful emotions. He was there beside her, and they would do it together.