Disclaimer: everything you recognize is not mine.
Thanks to Mariah for beta-ing!
Read & review, please... :)
SERENDIPITY
Chapter 1
Like every year for the last three years, she found herself curled up in a chair, looking out the window while nursing a glass of wine in her hands. She felt a bit numb from her usual conflicting emotions. Nostalgic, sad, fearful… but never, in over three years, had she not felt happy.
She felt like a cliché… she was a cliché for that matter. She knew that, hated it too. She had never been a cliché before. But that was okay she supposed. She wouldn't trade what she had now for anything in the world.
She should have seen it coming in a way. She hadn't been careful. Reckless was more like it. She had become more and more reckless, both in her job, and in her personal life, going so far as to dangerously mix so two of them. The consequences were bound to happen sooner or later. But as consequences went, these weren't so bad.
She had heard the tale times and times before. But that hadn't mattered. They had always thought they were different. And they were, in a way. Yet, in other ways they were just like everyone else. They weren't special, just humans. Flawed, very flawed humans.
At least, the cliché didn't go as far as one night of unbridled passion having been enough to turn their lives upside down. It took a few nights for them to get to this point. But lives had been rocked alright. She wasn't sure about his, but her world had radically changed. Although, definitely not for the worse.
It, they, had started just a few days after Sealview. He had been worried. He had been refraining from asking questions but she had caught him staring at her. Looking right at her, his eyes had bored holes into her soul.
One late night, his eyes had crossed hers one too many times. She had abandoned the paperwork, stood up, grabbed her coat and left without a word. Not fifteen minutes after she had walked into her apartment, he had been knocking on her door. She had opened to him, stared at his hard face, his hooded eyes, his set jaw, his determined posture. He wasn't backing down. She wasn't sure which one of them that had scared the most.
She had taken a step backward as he stepped forward.
"What happened in that basement, Olivia?" he had asked.
"Screw you." Her voice had been a harsh whisper.
She had turned away from him, had heard him close and lock the door. She had gone to get a drink in the kitchen. She had felt him behind her.
He had asked again.
"I'm not going there with you."
"You won't talk to me, fine. But talk to someone, anyone."
"I'm fine."
"That's bullshit, Liv! You help rape victims every day. Why don't you take some of your own advice?"
She turned to face him, annoyed but not surprised at finding him so close. Her watered eyes had dropped to the floor.
"I wasn't raped, El."
She hadn't looked at him. She hadn't had to. She had heard him expel a long breath.
"Okay. But you know it doesn't take… it doesn't take rape to cause trauma."
She had looked up at him, prepared to argue, to fight, to deny. She hadn't. His whole being had been a strange combination of strength and gentleness, of anger and concern, of determination and hesitation. She had leaned into him and brushed her lips against his. The mere contact had made her jolt and recoil. But he hadn't let her. He had pressed his lips back upon hers. He had kissed her. She was the one who had slipped her hands under his shirt, who had sunk her nails into his back. She had moaned in his mouth and had grabbed him by the belt to get him closer.
They had slept together.
For the first time.
Definitely not the last.
She closed her eyes and swallowed her wine. She got up and walked to the nearest window, looking down at the quiet, dark street. She watched a man walk his dog. A car parked, letting a middle aged couple out. In a lit window across the street, a woman was nursing an infant.
She smiled.
She was fiercely protective and always attentive. But she had stopped worrying about the evil that might be lurking behind any closed door, in any shadow. She no longer spent her days expecting all hell to break lose.
It wasn't fear that twisted her gut nowadays. It was guilt. She always had a tendency to feel guilty for everything that was wrong with the world. But that was abstract. The guilt hadn't been abstract after that first time, and every time after. Instead, the guilt had a face, a name. It was a clear image in her mind. It was a little boy she had helped bring into the world, wrapped securely in his mother's arms. It was Eli and Kathy.
She could have thrown up from the image.
It wasn't a regular affair. They had slept together maybe a couple times a year since that first night. She scoffed at her own delusion. As if she didn't remember every one of their fucks. The angry ones, the desperate ones, the loving ones…
It was when he was gentle and affectionate that she hurt the most.
And then Jenna happened.
He had come to her that night, after having given up his badge and his gun to IAB. After he had killed a young orphaned girl. He had stayed until the sun had risen up. He had sat down on the edge of her bed and had run a hand through his short hair. She had scooted closer to him, her bare breasts against his back. She had scratched lightly at the tendrils of hair on his chest and had pressed her lips to his shoulder.
"I have to leave, Olivia."
"I know."
She knew he had to go back to his family. She knew he would have to deal with Lieutenant Tucker in the near future. She knew they didn't share the intimacy of the morning together.
She hadn't known he had to leave like that. In all the years she had known him, she had been clueless about that.
She hadn't known he would leave her the way he had. Taking an indeterminate leave of absence. Ignoring her calls, her voicemails, her mails, her texts… Driving over to his house was a step she had refused to take. She had no personal claim over him. He had left the job and her with it. That was all there was.
For nearly two months.
And one day, she and Fin had interviewed a young girl. She had been fifteen. She had been raped weeks ago but hadn't reported it. Fin had asked her why she had chosen to come forward now.
The girl had looked at Olivia.
"I… I was late… I…"
She had started crying silently, before reaching for something in her coat. She had set the positive pregnancy test on the table.
"I was really late…" the girl had sobbed.
And Olivia had gone numb, detached from the girl's distress. She had swallowed the lump in her throat and had resisted the urge to run from the room and to the nearest toilet.
She was late.
Instead she had focused on the victim, as usual. And she had done her job, as usual. But her first stop after walking out of the precinct had been a pharmacy, and then straight home to her bathroom.
The next morning she had made an appointment with her doctor. When he had confirmed the news, she had tried calling Elliot again. She had left a voicemail asking him to call her back. There was something she had to talk to him about.
He hadn't called back.
She hadn't tried again. Truth was, she wasn't sure she had wanted him to call back at that point.
For some reason they had never used protection. He did with his wife. She did with her occasional dates. They didn't. She had no idea why. Maybe she thought she was too old. Maybe it would have somehow made the whole thing all the more real. Maybe it was some unconscious wishful thinking thing.
Maybe they were just that stupid.
She had waited a couple of weeks without telling anyone. Then a perp had taken her hostage and had beaten her up. She hadn't resisted going to the hospital. She and the baby were fine.
She had handed in her resignation the next day though. She hadn't waited for it to be processed. She had taken all the leave she had on the book and left.
Ran. She ran.
She had packed up a couple of suitcases and had bought a ticket.
San Francisco.
That's where she would be starting her new life. The thought made her surprisingly peaceful.
She had spent the first couple of weeks at a hotel, until she had found a small, cozy two bedroom apartment to rent. She had enough money saved. It's not like she'd had a lot to spend money on in New York.
She had gone to see a doctor. She was nearly forty-five and she knew the danger of a late in life pregnancy. But everything had seemed okay. She had been determined to make sure it stayed that way.
She had found a job in a new technology firm. She was in charge of running all the background checks on potential new employees. She had her own office, a big one as that. Most of the time, it was a 9 to 5 kind of job, with the occasional nightly stake-out. A little boring really, but that was okay.
Shannon, her boss, the head of security, had taken a shine to her and had quickly become a friend. She had asked questions but never pushed. She hadn't rubbed her back when Olivia had thrown up in her trashcan. But the next day, Olivia had found a 6 pack of ginger ale and a bag of crackers on her desk.
The nausea had started unusually late, but it really hadn't been that bad. The most annoying thing had been the peeing. Every fifteen minutes she had been up and going to the bathroom.
She had breathed a little easier after the results of the amniocentesis had come back clean.
She had had a couple of scares though. In her sixth month, a sharp pain had her double over and collapse on the floor of the office. She had flashed back to the time Elliot had caught her right before the fall.
Early in her eight month, strong contractions had made her take a cab from her place to the hospital. Just Braxton-Hicks contractions she had been told. "Don't worry ma'am, you'll know when you'll be in labor". Elliot would have known about Braxton-Hicks.
Shannon had picked her up from the hospital that day. She was her emergency contact now. When they had gotten to her apartment, Olivia had sat down and had started to cry. She had sobbed for long, long minutes, barely able to breathe. Her meltdown had been so bad that Shannon had even suggested going back to the hospital.
She had calmed down eventually and had gone to sleep exhausted, asking for Elliot. The next morning, she had asked Shannon to forget about Elliot. He wasn't in her life anymore.
She had gone into labor on February 6th, eleven days early.
Her little girl was born February 7th.
"Have you thought of a name, yet?" a nurse had asked her.
She had chosen as soon as she had known she was having a girl. She had gone back on it a few times. But she hadn't managed to change her own mind.
"Ella Benson."
That was three years ago.
The first few months had been tough, with a bad case of post-partum depression. She had done a lot of crying. And she had hated it. That was not her. She was not a crier. But she hadn't been a mother before.
She had spent the first few months working mostly from home. Her schedule had been Ella's schedule: a couple of hours of quiet before she would wake up crying and fussing.
She had befriended Jenny, the neighbors' sixteen years old daughter who babysat for her on occasions.
One Saturday morning, Shannon had dropped by to see her and basically kidnapped her for the day, taking Olivia with her to the spa for a day of pampering. She had already gotten Jenny to babysit.
It had been a pretty good day.
Except that, for some reason, she hadn't been able to stop thinking about Elliot. She hadn't cried but the pain was like a fist around her heart. She had sighed. Shannon had seen right through her.
"You're still thinking about him?" Shannon had asked her.
"I don't want to talk about him" Olivia had answered.
"Maybe you should call him."
"I won't."
She hadn't pushed.
Life had gone on.
On occasions she had had to go away on business for a couple of days. She would leave Ella with Shannon.
Every time she had been to a major city, she had sent a postcard to Don, expecting him to share with Munch and Fin at the very least. Love, Olivia. She hadn't wanted to explain things to anyone. But she had cared about these people, still did. She hadn't meant to hurt any one of them. She hoped she hadn't.
She hadn't gone back to New York.
Ella's first birthday had been a great day. They had just moved from the apartment to a small house and had had a few people over: the next door neighbors, Shannon, a couple of colleagues, one whose wife had a daughter three months older than hers.
Ella had been all smiles. So had she.
She had said her first word that day. Her first two words actually. Ella, Mamma! Ella, Mamma! She had been sitting down on the floor, reaching her arms out to Olivia. She had picked her daughter up, hugged her and kissed the top of her head.
Her name wasn't the only thing Ella had gotten from her father. She had his eyes. The rest was all Olivia: the same light blonde hair she had had as a baby, the dark complexion, the smile… She was a beautiful child, motherly bias aside.
She had thought a lot about him that day.
She had cried herself to sleep that night.
Almost a year after that, she had stumbled back on old, familiar grounds. She wasn't sure how she had felt about that.
She had been in the process of thoroughly checking out a promising young researcher. He had been a rapist. She had gone to the police with what she had found out. Because of her experience, they had agreed to let her assist with the case. They had put him behind bars.
She had half expected that she wouldn't want to stop arresting rapists after that. Like it was an addiction. Like she would fall off the wagon that was her new life. But she hadn't. She had felt good about that.
That case had brought another pleasant surprise.
Gavin Pfeiffer.
He was the brother in law of one of the victims. He was an attorney in the civil. Family law mostly. He was tall, dark, handsome. His wife had died four years before. He had remained close with her sister.
He had been shy and clumsy when he had asked Olivia out for coffee. She had found him cute and sweet. Easy. She had politely declined though. He had called her back a few days after. By then, Shannon had already been all over her about moving on.
So Olivia had had coffee with him.
He had kissed her goodnight on their second date. She had felt utterly ridiculous at the butterflies in her stomach.
She had had to cancel their fourth date because of a babysitting emergency. He had dropped by with a pizza and a puzzle for Ella. She had reluctantly let him in but hadn't regretted it. After dinner, they had solved the puzzle along with Ella. She had put her to bed, and had rushed to the bathroom to brush her teeth, fix her hair and makeup. She had felt completely stupid, but in a good way.
They had made out on the couch like a couple of horny teenagers. It hadn't gone further than that though. Not that she hadn't wanted it to. She had been celibate for over two years then. But there was Ella. He had smiled in understanding, had given her one last kiss before leaving.
She had checked him out the next day.
When she had found out, Shannon had glared at her, both as her boss and her friend. But she had let it slide, asking instead if she had found anything. He had been arrested twenty years ago for public indecency. He had been caught having sex with his fiancée, both badly hidden in a public park's bushes. He had done a few hours of community service.
Shannon had told her to dismiss it as a youthful mistake.
But the sex crimes detective in her hadn't been able to dismiss it. She had blown him off a couple times after that. He had come to see her. She had asked about his record. He had laughed it off: he had been young and in love. He had accused her of being damaged and commitment phobic. She hadn't denied it. He had stormed off. Not ten seconds after, he had walked back into the house and kissed her. He had made love to her that night, on her bed, quietly, both mindful of Ella's presence across the hall.
He had slipped out quietly in the early morning. She hadn't felt sad, or upset. They both had work, and she had Ella to protect from the world.
"Stay" she had whispered the third night.
That Saturday morning, he had already been making coffee when she had come back from checking on Ella. He had asked her if she had any pancake mix. The domesticity of it all had nearly made her cry.
A couple of months later, Shannon had asked her what kind of engagement ring she wanted. Olivia's mouth had hung open for a few long seconds.
"Don't read anything into it, Olivia" Shannon had added.
"I don't want an engagement ring" she had answered.
He had remembered their six month anniversary. She hadn't. He had smiled and told her he loved her. She had kissed him.
Gavin had taken her out one Friday evening. He had been mostly silent, which had her concerned. Back at her apartment, he had sat her down on the couch and had taken her into his arms. She had sighed.
"Are you leaving me or proposing?" she had tried to joke.
"I'm not leaving you, Olivia" he had answered.
She probably should have been happier about that. But the other alternative had scared the hell out of her.
"I got a job offer, from a big firm. I could make partner in just a couple of years."
"I'm guessing it's not in San Francisco…"
"New York."
He knew most of her past. She had been one of New York's finest and gotten involved with a married colleague. She had always refused to talk to him about Elliot. She had made clear she didn't want anything to do with him or New York anymore.
Of all the cities in the world…
She might have followed him to Moscow if he had asked. But not to New York. He hadn't understood. She hadn't explained. He had left.
That Monday she had gone to his office to see him. She had apologized with tears in her eyes. She had kissed him goodbye. They had parted both sad and regretful, but on relatively good terms.
She had cried in her pillow that night. She hadn't been sure over what, over whom.
Ella had asked her about Gavin. She had just told him he had moved away. He had called them a couple of times. It had helped.
One night she had been tucking Ella in, the big question had finally come up.
"Why I have no daddy?" Ella had asked in a soft, sleepy voice.
Olivia's heart had broken into pieces. She had felt the familiar lump in her throat, the sting of tears in her eyes.
"Everyone has a daddy, baby."
"You don't."
"Well I never knew him. But I know his name was Joe."
"Billy's daddy comes to daycare. I don't know my daddy."
"It's complicated, Ella. But that doesn't mean you're not loved, you know that right?"
"I love you mommy."
"I love you too, baby. More than anything in the world."
She had kissed her goodnight and stroked her hair. She had adjusted the covers before walking out of the room, leaving the door slightly ajar. She had managed to make it to the bathroom before she had started sobbing. She had bitten her lip to keep quiet.
For the umpteenth time, she had thought about Elliot, and she had wondered if her decision really had been the right one. But then she had remembered Ella's smile, her laugh. She was a happy little girl and really, that was all that mattered.
Yet like every year on Ella's birthday, Olivia found herself once again pondering the choices she had made. But these thoughts always ended up in a stalemate, because she knew she wouldn't do anything to endanger the happiness and stability of her little girl's life.
"Mommy?"
Ella's little voice broke the silence of the room and made Olivia jump a bit. She turned to her daughter.
"Ella, it's past midnight, baby. What are you doing up?"
"Barney licked my face."
Olivia chuckled softly. She went to sit on the edge of the living room coffee table, in front of the three year old who had managed to convince her to get her a puppy for her birthday. She set her glass of wine on the far end of the table before tucking a strand of hair behind her daughter's ear.
"Didn't I say something about no dog on the bed?" she asked with a soft smile.
"He jumped when I was sleeping" she answered with a shrug.
"He did, did he?"
Ella's answer was a nod of the head, before she yawned widely, rushing both her little hands on her mouth. Olivia stood up, picking her daughter up in her arms and taking her upstairs to her room.
"Come on baby, let's get us to bed."
"I'm three now, mommy. Not a baby."
"You'll always be my baby, sweetheart."
By the time she put Ella down on her bed, the little girl had already gone back to sleep. She shooed the puppy away before lying down next to her daughter.
The next month passed by quietly, before her life was turned upside down once again.
Her late Saturday afternoon with Ella was interrupted by a knock on the door. She stood up from the living room floor and went to answer.
"Hi Olivia."
There was a long moment of silence, before Olivia found her voice.
"Kathleen. What… How…"
"May I come in?"